Should I pull out of house purchase?

[NoisyTealFinch]

my partner and I are buying a new build house together and we are due to exchange and complete in a couple of weeks time.

we have had a lot of life changes over the last few years and his behaviour towards me and attitude has been horrible at times.

big issues in our relationship that I have been discussing in therapy:

1. Our baby was a happy surprise - when we found out he wanted me to get a termination because his life was ruined / not going in the direction he wanted it as he wanted to compete at a national level in a sport (he was 30 at the time, we owned our own house, we had been together 8 years, and he had said the whole of that time he wanted a family)
2. We went on a babymoon together for a few nights and he barely spoke a single word to me the whole time. When pressed why he reconfirms reasons above.
3. Have baby in hospital and he spends whole time looking devastated
4. few days after baby comes home he tells me he now knows he never wanted children
5. He had always hated his job and an opportunity came up to start a new business with my family (who I think are worried about me). We move counties and are living in a home owned by family (on our own) for free. He hates it because it isn’t our own space. Lots of issues with him wanting full control of business and my family not thinking he’s ready or doing the right thing. He starts to resent my parents, especially my mum.
6. Lots of arguments over the next few years about how bad his life is because of ‘decisions I made’
7. he loves our child with all his heart and really is a good dad and a great person when he’s not got a bee in his bonnet
8. Last May he got really angry (swearing shouting storming around in front of child) because my parents wouldn’t babysit for 3 nights (they could only do two nights) when we went to his friends wedding.
9. long story short I have agreed to buy a house near by with him so we are in a new space away from my family (but only 15 mins drive, whereas we are currently neighbours). I thought he had stopped all this behaviour but he got a bit weird before Christmas about a deed of trust (as I am putting more money in than him).
10. after Christmas he kicked off about how he wanted to buy a £25k sports car and ‘my choices’ were limiting his (because he had agreed together not to pull equity out of our old house sale) and that I ‘should have known that he wanted to pull money out of the house’ and he only agreed not to in a ‘moment of weakness’ I have been to therapy recently so I can see that he has been gaslighting me for the last few years.

basically I there’s loads more than that but that’s a summary. I don’t want to split our family up and he is very nice and caring most of the time and a very good dad. His mum is exactly the same as he is which makes me worry he won’t ever change.

since the last argument about the sports car I told him he was gaslighting me and he said he felt awful and we’ve had lots of serious conversations about ending the relationship but I feel such a pull to him still. He said he told his dad all his horrible behaviour and he’s going to therapy.

I confided in my parents and they said they worry he’s controlling. When very recently told my friends what’s been happening they say it’s unacceptable.

we have a house purchase date looming and we are going to centre Parcs for a week next week.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience where someone has genuinely changed? Just clinging on to a hope but I also think the writing is on the wall with it. He’s being SO nice since the last argument.

You don't need to mention your friends to him.

You know it's all wrong, You have the information you need.

Just tell him you're done

He's scum that would only treat you worse the futher away from your family you were.

Remember to judge by "Actions NOT words".

Anyone can promise anything.
Judge people by how they behave.

Be glad you can escape this piece of shit easily.
You are so lucky.

It’s so sad but it’s for the best
I think he summed it up when he said he’s always been trying to do the right thing sounds like deep down it’s never been what he wanted but credit to him rather than walk away he’s tried to give it a go but his heart’s not in it. Difficult to hear but it does sound like your in a position to build a new happier life for yourself

This

He clearly feels threatened by your family and their wealth.

Some times it is best to call it a day.

Tell your family first and make a plan. Go and see a solicitor. Get everything sorted first, get records etc. I am sure there are lots of people on here who can help. Tell him when you are all sorted and ready to go. Less chance of him reacting badly and trying to talk you around.

X post.

So it's done? Or just having a break?

It needs to be a permanent split but you know that don't you? He will never take responsibility for anything, and you and your family will always get the blame. It's no way to live. It grinds you down.

Be prepared for major sulks and guilt tripping about how you are ruining not only his life, but your child's life too, he's changed and made sacrifices for you, blah blah blah. There's a whole script he'll run through when you tell him to go. Your family sound great and supportive, so lean on them. Just grey rock him, stay strong.

Thank you this is really helpful. He has just left to go back to his family’s for a few weeks.

you are right he did try to talk me round by crying and saying he’s always had good intentions. it’s like he sees what has happened through a completely different lens

i am very lucky to have a lovely supportive family and friends. It’s really shit when family and friends voice their concerns.

I'd pull out of the relationship, never mind the house!

He won't change. They all say it and never do. They're always going to change, they're always going to have therapy, they're always a great dad the rest of the time (really?!) and they're always fucking sorry and somehow, someway, in some distant dimension, it is always your fault, you always drove them to it.

Its the script, OP. Don't be taken in. He is controlling and abusive and will never change and if this is the relationship you model for your baby she will end up with someone just like him.

I'm so sorry @NoisyTealFinch - the thing is you can like someone, care about them, but sometimes it just doesn't work out because essentially you aren't on the same page- he may have best intentions but best intentions don't cut the mustard when you need security and consistency with a young child-I have a friend currently splitting up with partner of around 8 years and owning the house with varying deposits and an older child to think of ( and it's not his child either) has complicated things enormously - both logistically and financially- unless you can buy on your own best to pull the plug now I feel

Good for you OP. When he comes back with his therapy talk and reasons for you to try again, please don't feel you need to justify yourself.

I know it’s not something to celebrate as such but I was relieved to see ‘he’s gone away for a few weeks’.

I think you need to now be really careful he isn’t going to drag you back in, making you feel guilty, playing the victim etc….
Im wondering too if he isn’t hoping that you’ll find being on your own will make you doubt your decision - it’s never an easy one and it’s also very easy to fall back into all the really good memories whilst ignoring the bad ones!

Id use the time he is away to put things in place re a separation.
From how you’ll get organised re looking after your dc, CM (!!), split of assets etc….
And I’d get as much support in RL as possible. It sounds like you have a supportive family so rely on them!

It sounds like you are done. Don't be persuaded on the house. My friends dd did that. Then had to sell when the inevitable happened. In practice she lost most money, as she had more money to lose, selling so quickly on a new build ( developers were still selling new homes and offering incentives.)
Thank your lucky stars, your common sense and your good family that you are not stuck I'm this relationship.

Don't think about "if he truly loved me he would have ..." - it's nothing to do
With how much he loves you, and vice versa, it's entirely to do with how aligned, compatible, you are. And you and he are not!

It will get worse.

I’m sure he does see it differently, because he’s had you there making his life easier while he lets out all his frustration and anger at his life onto you with no care or thought about you. His life has been really easy! Now you’re telling him that you’re taking his emotional punchbag away and he’ll have to do his own laundry and cleaning, of course he’s miserable. Good intentions are fine, but you look at someone’s actions and that tells you everything you need to know. Words and promises are easy.

Thanks for replying OP.

30 is way too old for his immature behaviour and selfish need to put his desires first.

He has had all of his 20s to pursue his dreams. As soon as his child was born he should have adjusted his attitude to put his family’s needs first and foremost.

Chuck him back permanently, he’s not it.

Get rid of this manchild. Pull out of the house sake asap. As solicitor you hold onto money for the moment. Then split between you. Stay in the house rent free to get sorted. Stay close to your parents for support.

Reading your posts on this thread, it sounds like you’ve come to a good decision.

One of them about writing things down and seeing things clearly in black and white - is sometimes shocking. I agree!!

One thing - thinking about the sellers of the house you’ll pull out of. Do let them know tomorrow, they’ll be devastated you’re pulling out, best done sooner rather than later. For their sake.

Thank you - luckily the house is a new build being sold by a big company so I’m not too worried about pulling out.

Thanks everyone. Just been speaking to my parents about it for the last couple of hours.

they are so lovely and supportive and they voiced their concerns but let me know that if I decide to take him back they’ll also support me with that. I couldn’t ask for more kind understanding parents really.

they’ve kindly taken my two year old for a bit so I can sort the house out.

partner left in the middle of little boy’s nap time. Which was horrible he didn’t get to say bye but also probably better in a way.

I feel AWFUL and keep thinking maybe I have done the wrong thing and that he just needs another chance and that everything will be better.

but I have to remind myself of what has happened and that it has been happening repeatedly.

my parents even confessed that some of my friends had reached out to them to say they had been worried about me recently.

it’s so hard because I don’t think he is a bad person and I feel like a horrible person for all of this.

one thing I noticed last night when talking about it all is I can’t stop uncontrollably shaking when I think or speak about all of it. I think it must be my body telling me to just stop

He may not be a bad person but he has behaved very badly towards you and around your ds. Your family and friends have seen it so it’s obviously been toxic enough that it’s evident to them.

I imagine you’re shaking because you have been holding in a lot of tension. Be gentle with yourself and make no decisions beyond getting your money for you, and contacting CMS as of today. Then wait and let your nervous system recover. If possible get him to communicate through your family rather than with you, or only by email so you have time to reflect on anything he says and you can’t be put on the spot or manipulated.

Keep notes on your phone of everything hes done/said/made you feel. This is really handy when you have moments of “oh he wasnt that bad”. Read back through. Stops you going back