Should I pull out of house purchase?

[NoisyTealFinch]

my partner and I are buying a new build house together and we are due to exchange and complete in a couple of weeks time.

we have had a lot of life changes over the last few years and his behaviour towards me and attitude has been horrible at times.

big issues in our relationship that I have been discussing in therapy:

1. Our baby was a happy surprise - when we found out he wanted me to get a termination because his life was ruined / not going in the direction he wanted it as he wanted to compete at a national level in a sport (he was 30 at the time, we owned our own house, we had been together 8 years, and he had said the whole of that time he wanted a family)
2. We went on a babymoon together for a few nights and he barely spoke a single word to me the whole time. When pressed why he reconfirms reasons above.
3. Have baby in hospital and he spends whole time looking devastated
4. few days after baby comes home he tells me he now knows he never wanted children
5. He had always hated his job and an opportunity came up to start a new business with my family (who I think are worried about me). We move counties and are living in a home owned by family (on our own) for free. He hates it because it isn’t our own space. Lots of issues with him wanting full control of business and my family not thinking he’s ready or doing the right thing. He starts to resent my parents, especially my mum.
6. Lots of arguments over the next few years about how bad his life is because of ‘decisions I made’
7. he loves our child with all his heart and really is a good dad and a great person when he’s not got a bee in his bonnet
8. Last May he got really angry (swearing shouting storming around in front of child) because my parents wouldn’t babysit for 3 nights (they could only do two nights) when we went to his friends wedding.
9. long story short I have agreed to buy a house near by with him so we are in a new space away from my family (but only 15 mins drive, whereas we are currently neighbours). I thought he had stopped all this behaviour but he got a bit weird before Christmas about a deed of trust (as I am putting more money in than him).
10. after Christmas he kicked off about how he wanted to buy a £25k sports car and ‘my choices’ were limiting his (because he had agreed together not to pull equity out of our old house sale) and that I ‘should have known that he wanted to pull money out of the house’ and he only agreed not to in a ‘moment of weakness’ I have been to therapy recently so I can see that he has been gaslighting me for the last few years.

basically I there’s loads more than that but that’s a summary. I don’t want to split our family up and he is very nice and caring most of the time and a very good dad. His mum is exactly the same as he is which makes me worry he won’t ever change.

since the last argument about the sports car I told him he was gaslighting me and he said he felt awful and we’ve had lots of serious conversations about ending the relationship but I feel such a pull to him still. He said he told his dad all his horrible behaviour and he’s going to therapy.

I confided in my parents and they said they worry he’s controlling. When very recently told my friends what’s been happening they say it’s unacceptable.

we have a house purchase date looming and we are going to centre Parcs for a week next week.

i just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience where someone has genuinely changed? Just clinging on to a hope but I also think the writing is on the wall with it. He’s being SO nice since the last argument.

He says he’s always had the best intentions, when was that honestly?

• When he told you he wanted to terminate your pregnancy, despite always saying previously he wanted a family?
• When he told you that the pregnancy was ruining his life?
• When he wasn’t enthusiastic in his support of you during pregnancy and even more shockingly during the labour and birth?
• When he told you he never wanted children post birth, when you should have just been simply recovering and enjoying your newborn?
• When he was slating your parents, despite the fact that gave him a job/business opportunity and literally provide the roof over his head?
• When he wants to spend £25K on a sports car instead of invest in his life with you?
• When he was out of your family business and still wanted payment for 6 months?
• Every single time he has shouted, sulked and blamed you for the terrible hand life has dealt him, instead of taking responsibility and holding himself to account?

This man has ruined and pissed all over any period of time in your life that was meant to be nice joyous moments for you. I can only imagine how stressful your pregnancy must have been, how sad the period after birth must have been too, you should have had your lovely newborn bubble and concentrating on building your bond with baby. That’s not to say that these weren’t happy lovely moments for you, I am sure they perhaps were, but they were completely marred by him and his feeling and that will have been such a strain on you.

It’s clear to me that at least since your pregnancy he has never truly put you or his child first ever, and any time where you perceive where that may have happened he has sulked, cold shouldered you or done whatever he could to make sure that the attention reverted back to him.

Good riddance OP! While this will be a difficult time you have done the right thing in letting him go. It will get easier and it sounds like you have some fantastic support from your family. Just stay strong and don’t let him guilt trip you because he will promise you the earth, beg and plead to come back, especially once he realises just how good and just how easy he had it! All his promises will be empty, so please don’t fall for it.

Good luck 💐

You've totally done the right thing
His attitude when you were giving birth ,would of been enough for me to end it
Despicable man

I really really appreciate this thank you so much X it’s exactly how it has been ☹️

I trust others have given you good advice already, but I just wanted to share my sympathy for your situation. Your child's birth should have been a joyous occasion. He sounds extremely unhappy, but it must have been hard for you to deal with your first birth with all of this weighing on your mind.

@Lillygolightly It doesn't look good does it.

Is he very wealthy or something? Why on earth does he need a 25k sports car? 😂

Honestly if he carries on like this, I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up cheating. Or he's the type that will get to 50 years old, buy his fuck-off expensive penis-extender ahem 'sportscar' , and get his new 22 year old girlfriend pregnant.

@NoisyTealFinch it's not nice to read a post like @Lillygolightly posted , but it does sound like an accurate reflection and it's really easy to sleep walk into a situation like this when dealing with a new baby or toddler too - I posted earlier about a similar situation I had but luckily with no baby on the scene - I was so busy trying to keep things going day to day ( he was fickle with work too and nothing quite suited) that the reality was I failed to deal with the fact in my case he was a grade B cocklodger who ballsed up every opportunity he had through actually being a bit of a lazy bugger , although a charmer too . You are at the ideal point with cash and somewhere to live to do as you have done- it won't work OP long term , better to be amicable parents

You need to get further away from him not tie yourself further to him OP. Do not buy a house with him. You will be trapped.

Seems like he has a lot to benefit by being in a relationship with you, are you getting as much out of the relationship

You’ve done so brilliantly to take the first steps, like telling people, making a decision about the house and getting him to leave the home. The trick now is to maintain your strength. Domestic abuse typically follows a cycle of abuse and one of the stages is the honeymoon period. Typically this occurs after a big fight and the perpetrator will be on their best behaviour, trying to win you around. You must be alert to the fact any promises he makes in this period are not reflective of his ability to change in the longer term, which he has evidenced throughout your relationship he cannot do. It might also help your resolve to end this to spend some time looking at this diagram so you can consider whether there have been other abusive behaviours you might not have recognised at the time.

Agree with all of this. In fact I wonder if he’d still be there if he wasn’t being propped up by your family’s money and probably expecting to benefit from an inheritance further down the road.

He’s said some truly unforgivable things and absolutely ruined a special time for you as a new mum. Life would be so much happier without him dragging you down. Let him go and chase his dreams and drive his stupid sports car and see how hollow all of that is in place of a loving wife and a child. Knob head.

I'm glad you have taken the first steps.

I think that the next few days or weeks will tell you everything you need to know about the future.

I suspect that, even if you miss him, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. You probably don't realise the extent to which you have been walking on egg shells or just how much energy you have expended on his happiness.

If life feels more peaceful and you feel more like yourself then you will know this is the right thing, whatever lines he is spinning you.

I do think he'll try to drag you in and that in terms of your communication you need to set boundaries.

Learn some grey rock techniques in terms of not getting sucked into lengthy text conversations etc (I bet he's exactly the type to send you text monologues of just how hard done to he is and if only things had been different).

You reply once and then not again. You give a generic, it is something well need to discuss later type answers.

OP, friends do NOT contact the parents of their friends unless they are seriously worried about them.

This is very serious and indicates they have seen through this truly awful man.
He sounds deeply unstable.

They want only best for you.
That is staying away from him.

He will be undoubtedly back when he realises what a good easy time he gave up.

Don't be taken in by this horror of a man.
Keep your child as safe as possible from having a childhood marred by him in their home.

Sounds like he has had a free ride through life on the back on you and your lovely family. Instead of being incredibly thankful and grateful, he has been resentful and behaved like a spoiled toddler, who blames everyone else for his own shortcomings and thinks the world owes him a favour.

You have done the right thing asking him to leave - I would make it permanent. Start packing all his things into bin bags and put them in one room out of sight. Get the locks changed on the front door. You don’t need to tell him this immediately, but quietly start preparing for a permanent split.

Guaranteed he will come crawling back telling you he’s made a mistake, he’ll change, he’ll treat you better blah blah. But he would have been doing that all these previous years if that what was in his heart, if that was his true nature. The only thing that will have changed is that he’s realised his gravy train is coming to and end.

You know deep down that you and your child deserve so so much better. And life will undoubtedly be better just the two of you.

Thanks everyone. I started reading all my old diaries this evening. I started writing in 2020 and even back then I was writing ‘X was being distant today’ an awful lot. A lot of sobering things to realise it’s all been happening for years and there has always been an issue that makes him unhappy.

It’s horrifying when you see it for what it is. I wrote my diaries in French when I was with my ex so that he wouldn’t get anything from them if he found them and decided to read them. But it wasn’t a red flag for me at the time!?!

Mad stuff.

staying with my parents tonight and talking it all through. Told them one of his criticisms of me/my family is that we are ‘relentlessly positive’.

they both burst out laughing like ‘wtf how is being a positive person an insult’. For the last few years I’ve thought it must be really annoying to live with someone who is as positive as me.

funny how you just can’t see things until others point it out.

Op I really feel for you and I agree with pp that he has ruined all of what would have been special times where you should have been the focus.

Absolutely best not to go ahead with this house purchase (there will always be more new builds) and try to stay near your family.

My ex became more and more like this when I was pregnant - he stormed off just before baby was born and has been making my life extremely hard ever since while still blaming me and being a victim himself.

I strongly recommend the book 'it's not you' by dr ramani. Your list of stuff sounds so similar to my ex especially the way they twist it and make you feel like you're being unkind to them. It really helped me make sense of what I went through.

Your counsellor will be cracking open the champagne when she hears you've left him trust me x

Ps i will so be your single mum friend if you're a local you sound lovely!

Thank you so much. I’m sorry you have had to experience a similar person yourself and I hope you have found more happiness now.

annoyingly my councillor has been unwell for the last 3 weeks so I’ve not seen him since before Christmas so he’s missed out on a lot.

a big thing in my mind was in counselling he asked me to go through my timeline with him of problems. Everything was in the last three years and to do with my partner.

he said most people bring their entire lives and childhoods yet it’s one person for you and that said a lot. Also seeing it written down on a board makes you face it I think xx

I was also in a horrible relationship with a young baby (years ago now thankfully) - the thing is it can be difficult to deal with. Lets face it you have your hands full with a young child - and you are probably pretty tired and busy most of the time.

In these circumstances it can be difficult to be really honest with yourself over these life changing difficult matters - but regardless you really do need to deal with things and the sooner you do the better.

Because as you can tell from reading those old diaries, it doesn't get better - it only gets worse.

I am very forgiving and I just forgot about alot of the bad stuff for my own sanity and got on with the day to day stuff I needed to do.

But like you I had my own flat and this puts you in an excellent postion. Its great he's gone. Just know if he comes back things WILL get worse.

So change those locks (seriously change the locks today) and start to put your energies into you new life with your wonderful child. You've got this!

Thanks everyone.

few days in an he’s on the phone apologising profusely saying it’s all because he was bullied as a child and it will stop because he’s in therapy.

apparently it’s different to any other time over our 9 year relationship as it’s because he now knows it’s been because he was bullied as a child (previous excuses include his mother mistreating him, fear of commitment, low self esteem etc.).

seems he always has these epiphanies but has had 9 years to sort it out and hasn’t so far.

Text book cycle of abuse! Stay strong, you are doing so so well to be able to see through hollow promises when he has never demonstrated a capacity for change in the past.

Thing is it might be completely true about childhood bullying - but that's something he'll need to work on especially as it has cost his relationship with you.

You owe this man nothing. Stay strong.

You and your family sound caring, positive, supportive and happy people OP.

Don’t let him change that.

Hopefully it will be good he gets therapy and sorts himself out so the cycle of his mum and him doesn’t carry on from him to his child.

But that’s not what I hear reading between the lines. What I hear is still all “me me me” if he says the right things he can come back and get his sports car, live without too much hassle or hard work and return to being centre of attention.

It’s you that has changed this time OP. Not him.

The thing is.
You're not his counsellor.
And you’re not his emotional punching bag when he suddenly struggles with being bullied as a child.
Women aren’t there to deal with unfinished project.

It’s great for him he has that insight (assuming this is the case….. and not a technique to make you feel guilty). But that’s his issue to deal with.
Not yours. Nor do you have to accept the impact it has on your life.