Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I assume I'd be able to update here about the CL disclosure considering I've not shared any personal details?

Yes, you haven't shared any identifying information so it's fine.

Thank you.

When you end it with him (because they don't ask you to come in for an interview without there being something there) please do it via text. Don't call him and definitely don't let him anywhere near you.

Good luck.

@olivietolivie good luck

Does DV show up on a Claire's Law search even if the charges were dropped?

Yes

Hopefully you get the answers you need later op. Please act on the advice given.

The police can see everything ever reported about anyone whether it was a false allegation, mistaken identity, right up to full convictions. Whether it's about DV, shop theft or even a speeding ticket - absolutely everything. HOWEVER.... They then have a meeting to discuss whether what they've seen on this person's record, warrants disclosure to the CL applicant.

For example, one of my exes was removed from my house by police on a number of occasions many years ago (before I opened my eyes to his abuse), for domestic abuse but never arrested due to a complex set of circumstances at the time.
When he moved onto someone new, I was later told she had performed a CL application and none of the above incidents were disclosed to her. Presumably as they weren't arrests. Although I personally think she should've been told but it's not up to me! Interesting though

For example, one of my exes was removed from my house by police on a number of occasions many years ago (before I opened my eyes to his abuse), for domestic abuse but never arrested due to a complex set of circumstances at the time.
When he moved onto someone new, I was later told she had performed a CL application and none of the above incidents were disclosed to her.

oh wow, because this is what happened in my case and similar to what I overheard on the police radio that had happened with his ex before me. They should definitely mention that sort of thing!

OK.

I've been.

No convictions or cautions so no actual criminal record. They couldn't tell me why charges weren't pursued - they just said it could be because the victim didn't want to go to court or there wasn't enough evidence. It could be false allegations but the lady I spoke to didn't prepare the disclosure so couldn't give me that information.

There was a list of incidents - pretty much all aligned with what he had told me. Nothing physical. A couple of extra concerning allegations - filming her friends and accessing her account on a computer and deleting documents.

She said she'd given much worse disclosure. She said I seemed rightly cautious and she really couldn't say whether she thought there was a real genuine risk to me or not. She said it was up to me whether to continue seeing him and she also said there was a possibility this was just the way those two individuals had escalated things in their relationship (or words to that effect, I can't remember what she exactly said but she basically made it sound like it could just be specific to their relationship).

She told me I now know what warning signs to look out for if I continue the relationship with him. She acknowledged that to an extent it wasn't actually helpful disclosure as it didn't give me really anything new!

I don't feel under threat of imminent danger or harm or anything so I don't think I need to make any rash decisions. If I decide to continue seeing him it has strengthened my resolve to leave it a very long before introducing him to my child. But I would have done that anyway of course.

That's disappointing Op, he has no convictions but she's seeming to suggest there was a problem and you should be cautious going forward. Maybe he's an innocent man or maybe they didn't have enough to charge him. For me, this would always be a problem, watching his behaviour to see if something was off.
If you do go on seeing him then you're absolutely right to keep him away from your DC until you're as sure as you can be

Filming her friends and accessing/deleting her documents on a computer would be enough for me to exit. Run.

Regardless of that I would still be ending the relationship. Why take any risk at all when you’ve only known him since October.

My initial reaction was he’s giving stalking behaviour regarding the friends and documents.

You are a fool.

They were wrong to say it may have been down to their relationship. Whatever allegations were made should not be discounted in this manner because now you will think ‘he will never be like that with me’.

Filming covertly and accessing a computer really show a level of nuts that you don’t want to be dealing with. Who does that type of thing? It’s not normal. As for the other not quite strong enough incidents, I’d say if nothing else each individual thing is part of a broader pattern relating to a specific type of unstable man that you have no good reason to pursue a relationship with. Keep yourself and your child away. He’s bad news.

I would find it extraordinary if accessing his ex's computer and deleting documents was a malicious allegation, simply because the police could have called her bluff and looked at the computer. Why would she lie about something so specific, and easily disprovable? Do you know that even with no cautions or convictions, he will be what is called a "known offender"? You have a child. Even if he has never met your child, he is now on the outer edges of her life, whether or not you delay them meeting one day.

The most dangerous man I know has no convictions. The police are warning you, this man is not good. There are red flags, what you were told about will just be the tip of the iceberg. I imagine the poor woman linked with the complaints was so broken she couldn’t go through with anything formal.

Nice men with healthy boundaries don’t come with the police telling you to be careful.
please think about you and your dc, you both deserve more

Alas, it sounds like this person you spoke to has very little experience of abuse, OP.

Think on this - if someone was going to fabricate allegations, why fabricate the ones about the computer?

The most usual reason charges are not taken further is because the victim will not co-operate with the Police and so they don't have enough evidence.

It will never be easier to leave than it is now. Every week that passes, you will become more attached, and will find more excuses for him and his behaviour.

You have to think.. Why would filming her friends and accessing her computer have been mentioned to the police in the first place. I would say it’s only the tip of the ice burg.

Yea- cause normal, stable people covertly film friends and access someone's computer when they end a relationship

They can't actually tell you to end a relationship btw! So don't take that as a positive out of the disclosure.

The police aren't actually allow to tell people to do with their personal relationships. She can't only tell you the information she is allowed to disclose, and let you make a decision.

"Nothing physical"- oh that's okay then!

It will never be easier to leave than it is now. Every week that passes, you will become more attached, and will find more excuses for him and his behaviour.

OP please read this above, and then again and again. Just cut ties. There are other men out there, I can't think why you would run this risk, particularly with a child in the picture too.

I think you are being slightly naive. You say your previous relationship had issues and you’ve not dated for quite a while. Maybe it’s attention, maybe your standards and confidence are pretty low.

I was single for a few years up till recently and I get it can be lonely and vulnerable at times.

But…. You’ve known this guy 3 months! He’s just some guy you are getting to know not a long term partner. And there are huge red flags.

You owe yourself…and more importantly your child much more than this.
Make an excuse or just be less available and let it fade out. You owe him no explanation after only a few weeks.

Filming her friends and deleting her documents, isn’t normal behaviour.