Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Everytime I read posts like this I think I wonder if it’s my ex.

very Charming and charismatic. Told me his ex accused him of violence denied it. Always spoke highly of her almost a double bluff I now think.

his ex told me how he was an abusive gaslighting narcissist. Dismissed it all as that wasn’t the person I was seeing. Well time did its thing. It was exactly who he was.

2.5 years wasted on a wanker who did a real good job on me mentally.

try to think, what would she gain by saying this? I put it down to toxic ex, na she was just trying to save me from getting involved.

Some do - he looks like a 'bit of a catch' https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2n2dn0rkxo

He blew a kiss to his current partner. How anyone can be attracted to a man with even an alleged history is beyond me.

This will be an unpopular opinion but I think they often pursue gullible women who are flattered to have their attention.

Oh, I thought of this thread when I read that horrific article. His new girlfriend was sat in court.

No wonder the police are jaded sometimes when disclosing information. They must despair.

I bet he is saying it was his exes fault.

When I did one, the things I was told 'weren't that bad'

But the police officer said at the end, this man is considered a danger to you and your children

So maybe, sometimes, some people can't really judge what's 'really bad' and what isn't

Or maybe the police and other other agencies have seen these things play out and what can happen

I made a Claire's Law request before introducing my current partner to my child and having him visit our home.
Just be be clear, I didn't have any concerns about my partner and didn't expect anything to come back in the check. I was simply doing it as a precaution (my ex was violent and abusive to me), it's just that I wasn't willing to take any potential risk.
I made the request online on the Friday evening and on the following Tuesday afternoon a police officer phoned me to confirm he had no record. Nobody else knew I was making the request, so I could be certain it really was the police who called me.
Tbh, I'm shocked that More women don't make Claire's Law requests when getting with a partner (especially when children are involved). It should be standard practice. Afterall, you wouldn't employ a new recruit without checking references. Just saying.

I have known people falsely accused and those who weren't. Would wait to hear exactly what they say before making a decision. Sorry if this is long.

One man (a manager) apparently touched 2 colleagues inappropriately. They both reported separately from each other but on consecutive days. False reports to get him in trouble. It apparently happened in the managers office which had no cameras. Except that he had been on camera in the warehouse all day apart from a lunch break at which time both girls were on the tills on cameras themselves. Both days. They did not come within 6 feet of him and there was no point at which one or both were not on a camera. He could not have done it, it was physically impossible. So people do make false allegations, I've seen it happen.

But also you can't really know people. My best friend from school contacted me having a hard time. He had lost his kids to SS. He admitted to me why. He had physically abused them. They were very young. He had really hurt them, burned one of them, bitten the other, horrible things. I would not have believed a word of it if it hadn't come out of his mouth. I haven't kept contact as I just cannot reconcile the funny and good natured joker who used to get in trouble with me for pranking the teachers and chucking magnesium in the bunsen burners with this person who could hurt a toddler. It just wasn't the person I knew. I can't get my head around it. Yeah he was a trouble maker but the funny kind. Never would've hurt anyone. Think sneaking into the boys changing rooms during PE and swapping everyone's socks for Disney Princess ones.

So you can't take people at face value even those you know. Idk what advice I'm even giving you here except to take of the rose tinted glasses before you hear it. You have a child to think of so just give what you hear serious thought.

Far more likely he is doing impression management because OP will hear about the abuse at some point, so this way she will discount what she hears. So yes, it's to gain OP's trust, but not in a good way.

This is a really common move from abusers.

The police would not be asking the op to come into the station (presumably because they know how serious it is what they need to disclose).

I've got no mental illness, addictions, traumatic background. I would never ever date a guy who had allegations about assault/rape/stalking about him.
I've got choices, and I would rather stay single the rest of my life than be that desperate to risk my life or my child's life for the sake of a bit of cock.

I appreciate other woman aren't in the position to make good choices, and the op is definitely appearing that way, and there's nothing I can do to help her, but to let her know (if she's still reading this) that you can say no, you can walk away. Most women would, but there will always be vulnerable ones who don't value their lives and think a man like this will change/is worth the risk, I'm just saying I wouldn't be one of those and that she does, at this point, the chance to get away from him even if she thinks she's in too deep already.

Honestly, I would say ANY man referring to an ex as crazy is a red flag - something I wish I could tell my younger self!
Even if the man wasn't abusive, it says he can't see the situation rationally, holds on to grudges and can't reconcile past mistakes.

Hi op, you are not an idiot. Men who are abusive are not easily identifiable, they are often skilled at luring you in, showing you the nice guy. It can be years before abuse surfaces, it can start off slow/minor and builds up over time.
I have worked in justice for many years and in the majority if cases, for every ‘one recorded incident (of domestic abuse)’ it is highly likely there have been many prior. So whatever is disclosed to you will only be what is known/evidenced to the police.
do not mention Cl and good luck with everything x

Mirroring what @inkheart Says. Someone reported my partner who was my new partner at the time to ss. I had a call. I had a brief history of things but because he had never had any history of issues to.women it was fine. I did a claires law request recently and had a email to ring and book appointment. I've ignored it what happened then happened then. I know what ss told.me and what my bf has told me we have been together 2 years. I dont want to know anything

Why do a Clare's Law request and then not engage with them? Doesn't make any sense! 🤷‍♀️

This is silly. You are only hearing his side of things how he wants to tell it. Don’t you want to know the truth or you’re scared to hear the truth?

@Treeinthesky Wait … He was reported to social services but not for offenses against women… so children?

and you've made a claires law request specifically about offences against women, and they want to see you but you are ignoring it?

i hope to god you dont have children.

how soon did this man move in with you?

This is utter madness. I hope you don’t have children? Ignoring the police and social services is incredibly stupid.

With a child in the mix you can’t take that chance. Whatever the police or him tell you about the possibility of false accusations, you can’t be sure and you know this has to be over because there is no planet on which risking your child’s safety is ever worth it.

I work in domestic violence, if the police contact you it's because they have been informed a dangerous person has entered a relationship with you and they need to inform you of what you are getting involved in.

It's a HUGE red flag, get rid now

P.S. Accusations for which you aren’t cautioned/charges don’t show up on Claire’s law. I was in a similar position to you regarding claims about the ex and only once he had attacked me (whilst pregnant) and I had escaped, did I do a Claire’s law request to find out what he really had done. Nothing showed up because nothing had ever been proved beyond an allegation. Even his assault on me didn’t result in a caution because it was my word against his. So if the police are disclosing run! Even if they weren’t my advice would be to run once a man tells you such things.

It's worth mentioning that clares law requests are reviewed by like a panel who decide if and what to disclose. Social services are also made aware of any requests made (not to put anyone off) if there are children involved. So I wouldn't advise not engaging with them and thay weird blasé attitude as any social worker would see that as a risk factor.

Jesus Christ, is this a wind up?

I spent ten minutes on advanced search and it got so very much worse.

Every word of this. Kudos to you, OP, for listening to your gut.

The 'crazy ex' narrative is a major warning signal. Act on whatever intelligence the police give you. You can do this.

No my mum and her neighbour don't get on. They reported him living with me but they also reported my brother for not having food in the house.

Ss rang me did a background check and he has no crimes against women. Aside from a gbh charge when he was 19 against another male when they were both drunk. Ss went to school the same day for both my kids. Both my kids wrote about how happy they were and how lovely he is. So it was dropped

Ss also went to my brothers house and saw they had lots of food in. So the report was malicious.

I do have kids. Moved in quite quickly actually. Been together nearly 3 years and lived together 2.5. I did a claires law out of curiosity but the police officer said I knew everything anyways so I just didn't see the point. Scared maybe. I'm happy so what's the point why fix what isn't broken.

It was actually quite obvious you moved in quickly. It is part of the script. Your kids are happy living with an angry coke addict? As that isnt the positive you think it is.