Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Some guys are just very needy! I know a couple of guys who go all out on girls they haven’t even met! A very strong desire to be in a relationship etc etc

@TwistedWonder - I am with you and have also decided to delete my profile after no hot 35-year olds have matched with me. The 50+ year olds that are the only ones keen on women in their 40s aren’t remotely fit and/or attractive or able to hold any conversation so I completely understand how you feel. And I am very jealous of your social calendar!

@occhiazzurri I have let my Tinder subscription run out which is effectively the same as deleting it because I can't see who has liked me. I was swiping left on 99% of the likes anyway, so paying for Tinder was just money down the drain. I'm going to try to meet men IRL for a bit, and see if I have any luck.

I am also going to start relationship therapy soon, because I'm full of contradictions. I want to find a serious boyfriend who I can build a life together with, yet the thought of compromising on any aspect of my (rather fantastic) life fills me with dread.

Even when Mr Rave - who is not a contender for serious bf - gets a bit trigger happy with planning/booking things, it's anxiety inducing.

Anyone else hate the feeling of losing control when dating / getting into a relationship?

@Crushed23 in what way do you feel you lose control when in a relationship? You can still have a say on the things you do don't do, the pace of it, the space you need etc etc.

@Crushed23 I am the opposite of you and feel anxious when not in a relationship 😂 I never used to be like this but my age is a big factor

Can I join you please? Met Mr Defender just after New Year on Bumble, first date a fortnight ago was amazing. Meal chat, flowers, peck on the cheek goodnight. Last week he moaned a lot on a date. My heart sank. He continues to message regularly.

@MellowRedHam welcome! What was he moaning about? Could have just been a bad day?

the restaurant, life in general. No plans to meet again at the moment

@oldernotwiserffs I feel like I have built the perfect life for myself and really love doing whatever I want whenever I want. Every relationship involves compromise and there isn’t anything I would compromise on right now. I also hate conflict/disagreement and having my peace disturbed - again, this is inevitable, even to a small degree, in most relationships.

Maybe a therapist can help me find ways to soften on the above, and let someone in, so to speak. 🙏

@MellowRedHam Welcome!

I hate a moaner, and if he's like this on a second date, can you imagine him further down the line....

Thank you for the welcome , that is my worry

@MellowRedHam

eurrgh 😩 what's his texting like since date 2? Seems a bit early for turning into a fun sponge......

Still texting, very polite but I wonder if I am in reserve now

Get yourself back on bumble and find a new match and put him in reserve 😜

Totally agree with @finallyaskedfordivorce Multi dating in the early stages helps you not get too invested.

But yeah, it's rubbish when you feel as though someone has lost interest after they seemed keen. Mr Guinness, my Tinder date from last Saturday, has vanished. Hasn't bothered to unmatch me on the app though - what's that all about?

@Crushed23 - I highly recommend a therapist. I had one during COVID and generally found therapy very helpful for my personal development and relationships in general.

I would actually give Mr Rave a chance - you never know what could happen! You now know why Mr Guinness is still single 😂

I would also try to get to know your Mr Work Crish. I have been so busy at work this week there has been no opportunity for me to bump into my Mr Work Crush 2 and 3 at the coffee machine. My original Work Crush is coming to a conference I am attending next week so we shall see whether he remains as aloft as ever.

Most of the people on OLD are single through the breakdown of their relationships, usually (exclusively?) they will have a contributory part in that failure. None of us is perfect.
I met a widow recently and it was quite intimidating actually, because she wasn't there because her previous relationship had failed.
We had a lovely meal and chatted and laughed together quite a lot, I thought it went really well.
........So well that she messaged me the next morning to tell me that she wasn't in the right headspace to date and was deleting her profile.

😳

We are full of contradictions.
Reading the thread, a guy admitted to putting himself down as being a bit taller and was slated for it, yet several women said that they automatically knock off a couple of inches off a guys stated hight and hight is a key factor for them, lots said lying about hight or other things was a deal breaker. So a guy of average height is discarded by some women who believe him to be shorter and want a taller guy (perhaps someone of average height?), or he adds an inch and is then held to be terminally dishonest.
The fact that so many guys feel insecure about this is probably a reflection on society.

The same goes for age, weight, drinking, income, education

I have my actual age and height on my profile, but as I am tall I have never really considered height an issue in life.

Would we consider colouring hair similarly dishonest?
Discovering black roots emerging under the blond or grey roots?

Yes I can relate to that.

I’ve had really nice LTRs prior to now but each has required me to live a lifestyle that’s not really for me. Basically I’ve dated quite introverted guys, and I’ve also found that guys in relationships are quite home focused, where as I’m a mix of social butterfly and a bit of an introvert at the same time. At work I’m definitely the ‘loud, bubbly one’ and I’d like someone that matches that energy. I want someone that wants to get dressed up and go out sometimes, but also read books on the sofa at others. I almost have this perfect relationship dynamic in my head and unsure if it’s realistic at all.

But considering that whoever I pick now will most likely be my partner to grow old together with, I’m really unwilling to compromise. So I hyper focus on things like drink and food habits, or really any differences I can find, and go ‘nah’. I do think I’m uber picky and critical of the men, and not realistic about what I can get. I’m critical of other people’s partners too, and why I wouldn’t date them. I can find something wrong with absolutely every man!

I also have a trait where if someone is really keen and direct, that puts me off as it feels too fast-moving for me and I’m scared of accidentally ending up in a relationship. The best way for a man to get my attention is probably breadcrumbing!! (That was tongue in cheek) But situations where a man is non-commital draw me in.

I had a theoretically really good relationship about 12 months ago and that’s now my ideal of how things should be. Hope I find it again this year.

I don’t think I need therapy with my talking points necessarily. I just feel like I need to calm down a bit, focus on me and see who life brings my way next few months. I have had some therapy in the past but I feel like I’m at a point where I am able to listen to my own body and mind, know what’s ‘wrong’ and act in positive ways. Whereas 1-2 years ago that certainty wasn’t the case and big changes were needed!

@Dauntedbydating I guess if a bloke wants a natural blonde, he can ask 😉

I'm tall so I need someone at least my height to feel attracted to him. We all have our dating preferences.

As I'm older, I am eventually looking for my (hopefully) last man once I've had a bit of fun. So as with @ElleintheWoods I can take my time, and he has to be right this time.

I'm blonde but not naturally so, and it's pretty obvious. So I don't view it as the same as lying about your height, no.

Women are allowed to have preferences - in fact, dating and relationships is one area of life where you can be as discriminatory as you like for any reason. Sexual attraction can't be policed.

@Crushed23

Totally agree. I’m an un natural blonde but you’d have to be Stevie Wonder not to see that I’m darker - I’ve got dark brown eyes and olive skin.

It’s absolutely not the same as deliberately adding inches to your height or knocking years of your age.

And yes dating is absolutely one area where any discrimination is allowed because we are allowed to be attracted to certain types.

Im generally attracted to tall, well built white men. That’s not hieghtest, racist or skinny shaming - it’s just what gets my pulse racing.

Mr Rave practically giving me an anxiety attack. I've been on one date with this man. ONE DATE. And he wants to make summer plans.

Ohhh… are you seeing him tomorrow to have the chat?!

Sorry I am so behind on the chat, maybe someone already mentioned it but surely Feeld is from playing the field so must be pronounced the same?

I kind of thought I wouldn’t need to take part in this thread anymore but it looks like my long distance relationship isn’t working out and I really want to get on WhatsApp!