Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Also if he wasn't interested you'd never hear from him again ime. So if he's texting, then he is interested. That's him fishing for reassurance imo.

@Crushed23 I would just reassure him that you had a good time if you do want to see him again.

Thanks @PeachyKeane @oldernotwiserffs

I wasn’t at all nervous but I wasn’t completely relaxed either. He’s quite a full-on person and he kept interrupting me, so I’m not surprised he thinks I didn’t have a good time. My body language must have read “STFU my turn to talk”.

Fair point about him only messaging if he’s still interested. I’ll send him a reassurance message later today.

Agree with everyone else @Crushed23 if he wasn’t bothered he wouldn’t be messaging

@oldernotwiserffs thank you for commenting. Yes, he has mentioned me coming round to his house and playing board games with his teens, going out on his boat with his teens, having dinner with his teens. I've met the man twice! Weird.

@oldernotwiserffs I'm 50:50 on whether I want to see him again, given how I felt on the date. I'd say yes to a second date but try to dictate it so we're in a setting where he might be more mellow. We were in a loud, busy bar on our first date which he mentioned he had taken clients to, so perhaps he just defaulted to aggressive sales pitch mode.

@Crushed23 yes maybe, and maybe he was nervous and trying to impress. I generally try to give guys the benefit of the doubt after a first date if I don't find them physically repulsive and they interest me to some degree (this is rare).

@MyCatisCalledDream red flags abound! Time to bin him

@@MyCatisCalledDream yes, that's definitely too much.

@Crushed23 and @oldernotwiserffs My policy is that men get two dates provided I'm not instantly tuned off and there are no glaring red flags. I figure most people are nervous on the first date.

I agree. Also, he called me "scrumptious" in a text.

@MyCatisCalledDream yes I think that's reasonable.

'Scrumptious' has totally given me the ick and I'm not even dating him!

How do you ladies manage your time when multi-dating? A new guy, I will call him Mr Enigma, has asked me out next weekend but I am already busy on Sunday. I am holding out for a date with Mr Tradie on Fri/Sat but won't know about that til later in the week. How do you manage this?

Also, if dates are always in the evening (I was going to suggest lunch and walk next weekend with Mr Tradie to mix it up but it looks like it's going to rain) what do you do other than dinner and drinks after a few dates? I'm not really interested in going bowling or anything like that but dinner and drinks can get a bit samey.

It's a dilemma tbh. I personally need more days in the week! I now have a couple of regular FWB, and I'm finding it hard to fit new ones in. I have a lovely local guy who I'm really keen to meet up with but have had to make excuses as don't want to bin him off.

I'm just doing drinks, then food if goes well. Maybe when the weather is nicer there will be more options but atm I just want to be warm and cosy.

When I was trying to organise my 2nd and 3rd dates with Mr Construction, he said he didn't like to make plans too far in advance because he likes to be spontaneous 🙄

I realise now that this was dating code for "I don't want to commit my Friday or Saturday night to you in case I get a better offer".

I'm not suggesting you be as transparent as him but maybe something along those lines.....just say you're not 100% sure whats happening next weekend, you "might" have something on that you're waiting on other people to confirm or something like that. Keep it vague....

@oldernotwiserffs

Nog an issue I’ve ever had sadly. I’m currently on Bumble, Hinge and Match. Number of matches - absolutely zero!!

Starting to think I’m undateable. I’ve been doing OLD on abc off for about 2 years and only ever had 8 dates.

@oldernotwiserffs alternatives to dinner/drinks in the evening could be board game cafe, boom battle bar, comedy show, axe throwing etc.

As for multi-dating, my friend is a pro. She fits in quick coffees or lunches here and there. I would say don't change any existing plans for a date and, if you want to see Mr Enigma, just book him in and don't wait for Tradie. He will learn he needs to get a date in the diary fast as you are in demand!

@oldernotwiserffs I've had to let conversations fizzle out on Tinder because I don't like the person enough to bend over backwards trying to fit them in over the next week or two. It's more awkward when you've transitioned to WhatsApp and are trying to arrange a date but they're your second or third dating priority and you don't have any immediate availability. I offer 'sometime next week' and see if they follow up.

@oldernotwiser that's where coffee dates come in handy - you can fit them in during daytime, if you want to keep evenings free! I do like a drinks date, but find coffee meets good for a quick attraction/ vibe check. But also, I wouldn't keep 2 days free for a man in case he wants to see me - I prefer to appear busy even if I'm not (call it playing games or not).

Oh dear. A bit much, no? Children shouldn’t meet a woman he has just met… What’s he doing, trying to send a message to their mom that he’s dating and she should be jealous?

I’d say whoever makes plans first gets the slot! I’ve previously held time slots for a particular guy and rearranged things to see him and this has always been very much a big mistake. Every. Single. Time.

If you’re busy and can’t do their suggested time then they need to plan better going forward/ more in advance. I also don’t stretch myself too thin to get a date in, although I do like a busy social life.

I do like a walking date (sorry, outdoorsy girl and love having someone to walk with!), but also theatre/ shows to get to know the other person’s taste, going to buy/ browse for something together in town - especially book shop, exhibitions, oh and the classic cinema date is still a good one. I also love a day trip beyond date 3, or a sports date if we share a sport we play.

🎵
Oh, it's like that, I'm your dream come true
When it's on a platter for you
Then you pull back when I try to make plans
More than two hours in advance, mm

Well unfortunately you’re a busy lady and like to make plans. You won’t be sitting home alone on a Friday night hoping a bloke will call, will you? So he can be spontaneous and you can be otherwise engaged when that last minute call comes in.

@ElleintheWoods oh absolutely not. That's why I went back on the apps and decided to keep my options open. That one has faded away anyway but I'd already decided that I wasn't going to be sitting around "just in case" he decided he could make time for me 🙄 no sirree 😂

I think that’s ick worthy!

This. All of the time!

@finallyaskedfordivorce yes that's what I'm going to do, keep it vague. He said there's no rush and we can always do something next week so maybe I'll do that. Weeknights are tricky though; so little time to get ready!

@TwistedWonder this is only my second online date (if it goes ahead) this time round. I can assure you that you are not undateable, I do believe that the pool of men is poor quality and it is better to be selective than go on loads of dates with totally unsuitable men.

@Crushed23 I am going to stop at two for now, I can't handle any more - too much admin with the messaging and finding time for dates as well as seeing friends etc!

@Day99 actually maybe I'll suggest a coffee date with Mr Enigma, that's a good idea - nice and quick and easy to fit in. Thanks!

@ElleintheWoods I know I shouldn't keep my weekend free for Mr Tradie and I'm not - I am already busy on Sunday - but I would like to see him. He doesn't leave things til the last minute but we tend not to arrange dates for the weekend until midweekish. I think if he hasn't suggested anything by tomorrow I will go ahead and book other things in and it will be his loss although I will be disappointed.