Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Do less. If he can’t be bothered to treat you well then you will see very quickly.
Reciprocate but don’t lead. My boyfriend (!) is autistic so I had to spell out a couple of things but after 3 dates he had flowers delivered to my house as I’d had a busy work week and he wanted to make me smile.
Thinking really hard about what I wanted has really helped focus on what is important to me and if they don’t measure up then they are gone!

I had a few coffee dates and don't mind them, they're in my low risk box, as in my head I'm only going to be there for an hour, two hours if it's good. There's always an excuse I can make to cut short, that doesn't work so well in the evening if we've gone for drinks.

I hate walking dates though, for me they are in my bottom of the barrel box. The one and only walking date I went on was at a National Trust Woodlands, and my date started getting handsy after about 5 minutes of walking! Luckily there were throngs of people around due to the popularity of the place. I wouldn't do it again.

Meeting for drinks is my favourite date. Not too committed, but leaves the door open if you want to stay longer e.g. for dinner, or exit early e.g. got to catch train!

I don’t mind coffee or walking, have done both. Depends what your interests are too.

So, I ended up going on a spontaneous date yesterday. Had a date booked with him for this Tuesday and he had been messaging yesterday. Anyway, we ended up meeting for a walk 😜 followed by a drink in a pub. The time flew, I laughed lots - I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much with a man and I really enjoyed it. We also have loads in common. However, his profile pictures didn’t show a full body and I only clocked before I left for the date. He is stockier than I thought he would be and I wasn’t sure, especially as his activity levels are low (mine are much higher) but he is good looking, seems really open and I felt comfortable with him. Other things which make me unsure is he is relocating area slightly further away which is a little inconvenient. We will be meeting tomorrow for our second date, and he seems lovely, but if I’m still unsure I won’t go on any further dates with him. It feels mean to keep seeing someone when I’m on the fence.

I love walking dates. Walking along the waterfront is nice, & you can grab a coffee to have along the walk. I had a great one with a man who was really into architecture & was really exited to see all these buildings that I'd never paid attention too, even though I live here! I loved that he had that passion & it gave us some interesting conversations.

I don't really like going for a drink as a first date as I don't like the sitting opposite looking at each other part as I'm self conscious when I don't know somebody! I've had walking dates that then turned into sitting & having a drink or dinner etc though, & that was good as I was then feeling comfortable & it felt like a nice way to 'end' the date.

LittleFloatingGhost Sounds like a lovely date, I hope today goes just as well
The location is a shame. How much distance will that put between you? The activity level, for me, would probably just depend on 'why' he isn't so active, would he be interested in doing activity type things with me etc.

I love a coffee date/ generally prefer daytime for first meet if it’s a stranger. Drinks or coffee isn’t too different in my head though.

I do enjoy a walking date too, particularly as where we live is surrounded by scenic nature, so most people are really into it. I probably just wouldn’t go into a forest with a bloke I’ve never met!

Done a dinner date and think that’s way too much for a first date. Way too much pressure to be romantic

I agree re dinner dates. I never do dinner as a first date. For one thing food gets in the way of the flow of conversation and secondly, if it’s not a great date, you’re trapped there for too long and it’s difficult to make an excuse and escape.

I remember going for a first date dinner with a guy who just talked non stop about himself. Even if I tried to change the conversation, he bought it back to himself. I was bored after about 20 minutes but he ended up having 3 courses plus a coffee and it went on for what felt like days!

Id rather have a drink and a chat and if things do go well, save dinner for next time.

And maybe it’s just me but I still have a wine on daytime dates

Re the 'unmatching on app after moving to whatsapp' debate, Hinge has just told me I am reaching the limit on chats and will have to end some if to want to keep liking (Im on the free version). Perhaps another reason why people unmatch.

@LittleFloatingGhost it is definitely not mean for keep seeing someone if you're on the fence. Women think this too often. It takes time to get to know someone so why do we expect ourselves to go all in (or out) immediately. Probably because we women are socialised to have the minimum impact on others and always be agreeable. Time we thought about ourselves a bit more!!

I think you can bump them into your bottom chat on Hinge and still keep them. It's just if they are in your top bit you can only have about 8.

I like drinks rather than dinner. If we gel at drinks then happy to go for some food. But yes would be really awkward to be stuck with someone for hours when you're itching to leg it.

@Mountainormolehills how did you know after 5 dates that you were ready to commit to him?

I don't mind a walking or coffee date, prefer drinks, absolutely no to dinner on a first date - I did it once years ago and didn't like the guy but was stuck there for ages! I don't mind dinner on a second date though, I like to assess table banners. Bad table manners are a deal breaker for me!

Only green flags, consistent good communication, clear intentions on his part.
We have similar values and expectations, but we are not jumping into anything. It’s been over a month so on the shorter end of things but we definitely clicked.
A couple of my friends were out when we were on our last date and we had some impromptu drinks them - they were very complimentary about how he was talking about me when I was away from the table, and it was nice to have that confirmation.

@Mountainormolehills that's so nice to hear. There are decent men out there. Great when you find one you connect well with 😊

Thanks @PeachyKeane he is the epitome of a good man.
We have a nice mix of wholesome and sexy going on. The height difference is hilarious though (5’1 and 6’4)!
He says he was often friend zoned because women feel safe with him but that’s what made the attraction grow for me.

Love it although shame on you for removing a tall man from the stack when you don't need one 😂

I have dated all heights but I do have a weakness for crazy tall 😂

@Mountainormolehills that's so lovely, and reassuring to get friends' seal of approval too. I always like to see how someone behaves when meeting others/in a group situation as my ex was socially anxious and it was such hard work, I'm only interested in dating people who can handle themselves in group settings these days.

It’s been a long time since I’ve introduced anyone! My friends were very complimentary, one of them said -
’When you were away, the way he was talking about you was phenomenal. I approve’
Apparently he was talking about my energy and how he likes that I help people.

@Mountainormolehills aww that's so lovely! 🥰 when are you seeing him again?

I have a question. I see a lot of dating advice that says 'don't date someone's potential' but surely when you're dating you don't really know the person yet so all you have to go off is potential? Am I missing something?

@oldernotwiserffs Thursday, and Sunday too 😊

I take it to mean that you should see who they are now, so they might talk a good game about moving out of their mums house, starting a successful business or getting a degree, but unless they are actually doing it, it’s just who they could be, potentially, rather than who they are.

Hi, can I join please? I'm back on the apps after a break. I have three possibilities so far.

Man 1: been on 2 dates and have agreed to a third but am considering calling it off. Pros: affable, solvent, devoted dad, likes dogs, good job, practical, similar interests.

Cons: a) only divulged on 2nd date that he is a regular church goer. I have no issue with anyone believing what they want to believe but am not religious myself. He also seems to lack any understanding of why someone might be wary of religion and why he is into it.

b) he announced he was going to "take me out" and book my favourite restaurant for 2nd date. This then turned in to me being asked to make the reservation and he practically bit my hand off when I offered to pay half. My offer was genuine but I reflected afterwards that he has made a big deal of "taking me out" and making a fuss as it was my birthday the next day. Seems a bit mean to not buy me so much as a drink.

c) this is the big one for me.... he was parked right near the restaurant and I was a 10 minute walk away. It was late and we live in quite a rough city. He didn't offer to walk me to my car. I never felt cared for or protected by my ex so this was a big deal to me.

d) he was mentioning me coming round and spending time with his teenagers before we had even met!

I'd appreciate your thought on this man.

Man 2- been on one date. Seems considerate and easy to talk to. He is older and doesn't have kids. Not sure I fancy him yet.

Man 3- excellent chat. Not met yet. He seems v intelligent. He is same height as me and not in a v good job.

I'm just not feeling very excited by any of these prospects so far. But maybe I'm a little jaded. I don't enjoy dating and find it very anxiety-inducing so am hoping this will improve with practice.

@MyCatisCalledDream none of them sound good. Man 1 is particularly bad, a bait and switch this early on isn’t great. He should be booking, picking you up (if you want) and paying on your birthday! Tbh I like them to pay for the first 3 dates, but happy to take it in turns after that. The other 2 you just don’t sound excited and you deserve to feel excited for a date!

Welcome @MyCatisCalledDream

Man 1 not walking you to your car and being useless at organising a dinner he had asked you out on would rule him out for me if you were already not sure. I think the making you pay half and not walking you to your car go hand in hand: he's not a very generous man.

It's fine to rule out all 3 men and go back to the drawing board. I sometimes find myself giving unsuitable men a chance because there's nothing else on the horizon, but I'm trying hard to have an 'abundance mindset' when it comes to dating.