Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

This is really lovely, sounds like a nice date and an opportunity to get to know one another on a deeper level 😊

Just enjoy and see what happens, don’t think to deeply about it, time will tell - as long as you’re having a good time it’s all good!

@PeachyKeane - they can see the likes even on the free version on Hinge. I have concluded I am going for the 0.01% of men all women are and I am at the bottom of their list. Or for those who aren’t very active. I guess people lose interest so quickly since my two dates have now both fallen through. So I am very much enjoying reading about your lovely dates!

Second @oldernotwiserffs to give him a second chance if he asks. First dates can be nervy.

I do find men that are in that ‘fancy degree, high income’ bracket to be a little bit like that though, a little bit annoying and competitive and full-on, like it’s a corporate sales pitch. I don’t mind that outright as to be frank, I can be a little bit intense in the same way, but I also do find they bring out the worst of me at times, I can be well judgy in their company. And I don’t like who I am with them sometimes.

Do you guys sometimes ‘couple watch’? I frequent a few places where couples often go. Some people are externally so matched/ similar, down to the same piercing and tattoos. And then some are so different, eg man hugely more attractive than the lady, or vice versa.

However something I noticed yesterday in the city people watching with my coffee on the window, in 30something couples, there were so many where the woman was gorgeous and seemed like she had a lot going on for her, smiling/ engaging/ bubbly, and the man looked like someone I’d have no interest in on a date! Mostly they looked like they’d crawled out of bed and chucked a puffer jacket on.

I’m unsure what my point is as I’ve been in hugely mismatched couples with men (looks/ style wise) that have actually been good relationships, but yesterday I was quite a bit like ‘I do wonder why she chose HIM out of everyone’.

Perhaps too much time in my hands that I should invest in checking out single men and not wondering about others’ choices!

With both of my best friends though, they go together very well with their partners, so… I would love to bump into someone that’s at least partly a male version of me.

Do you look for that similarity when dating, or do you have a type that’s quite different to who you are yourself?

Thanks for your thoughts @oldernotwiserffs @ElleintheWoods

Yes, it did feel a bit like a sales pitch, and he certainly didn’t bring out the best in me - for one thing it was pretty stressful being interrupted all the time. 😒

He’s a very high earner and is muscly and strong with a lot of chest hair - he has ‘PROVIDER’ written all over him - hence my ovaries taking over and wanting to give him a second chance. But then I wonder why he's still single? He’s the kind of guy one of the impossibly gorgeous 20somethings at my pilates studio should be married to. 🤔

I have been thinking about whether he’s good in bed today, and what it would be like to be thrown around by him, so that’s reason enough to give him a second chance, I think. 😂

@occhiazzurri what happened to your date with Mr Lawyer?! I thought that was in the diary.

Yes, I certainly feel like I'm drawn to the men that 99% of women on OLD are drawn to. Of my matches on Tinder, only about 10% result in any kind of conversation and fewer still make it to WhatsApp/arranging a date stage. Men who are inundated with matches lose interest quickly.

@Crushed23 - I think I was too optimistic that it was a date, and he probably got a better offer in the meantime. We had agreed the day/time - next week- when he was going to be in London, but he was going to look into places to suggest. That was Friday morning, and I haven’t hear back from him so I suspect it is off the cards.

I guess I am like you - I am attracted by people of similar level of attractiveness, and I know they have more matches than they can cope with. I need someone to brainwash me to find average men attractive 😆

Or just get very lucky to meet someone in real life. My new plan is to go to the gym religiously Tuesday-Thursday evening and perhaps even Friday in the hope I might run into someone there.

Your Mr Tinder sounds like someone you should definitely give a few dates to, even if it is to have some fun!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m like this guy on dates… Tbh I tend to get really caught up in the conversation and waffle on about myself when asked!

Surely you are impossibly gorgeous though, and with the added value of having a bit more confidence than a 20something? Don’t sell yourself short 😉

Maybe give him a 2nd chance to find out what it feels like!

Why is he still single? Well… He could be a bit of a dick for starters by the sounds of it? Could be too busy to properly give time to a partner? Too self-centred? Wasn’t focused on settling down? Or could be ‘currently single’ after a breakup?

Anyway, do not position yourself as though he’s out of your league, you sound like you’re thinking a little that way. Unleash your inner goddess and see whether he gets lucky enough to get to know you better.

I guess I am like you - I am attracted by people of similar level of attractiveness, and I know they have more matches than they can cope with. I need someone to brainwash me to find average men attractive 😆

@occhiazzurri

I suspect you're very attractive yourself so you feel like you should be with someone who is also attractive. I think that's normal. I know you said earlier in the thread that you didn't find the 30somethings you'd come across particularly attractive, but I really think that's where you'll have luck. I don't know if it's a recent phenomenon or what, but men are wanting an older woman more and more. The worries that women might have about these relationships are all projections - these men are not at all fazed by your age. I had a fling with a much younger man last year and my age was not an issue at all. I kept saying to him "I'm too old for you" but he kept chasing and then I gave in and it was fucking fantastic.😁

I've never been able to meet a man at the gym, but that's because I frequent gyms/studios that are 90% female, but good luck and keep us posted!

@Crushed23 - thank you for the encouragement! I just need to find that 30-year old and surrender 😆

I have tried to give less attractive people a chance, hoping a spark would appear because of their character/personality, but that’s never happened.

I am looking into more mixed gym classes so we shall see! There are plenty of men at my gym, but I just need to find a class/workout to meet them since Pilates barely attracts any.

Hahaha thanks @ElleintheWoods !

It's not that I think he's out of my league - I don't really believe in leagues. It's more an observation that he seems to buck a trend I see all around me.

He reminds me of a meme I saw, I'll see if I can find it.

This:

Haha... What does this say about us lot though? 😂

I mean, I have clearly decided that I am too confident and professionally successful for any man to be able to handle me... Or am I just the female version of somene very self-important that interrupts conversations and thinks they're the bees knees? 😉

And no I don't believe in leagues either... But think positive, maybe you just got lucky and he's actually fantastic!

Try the sauna... Or do you have tennis?

Alternatively come for your workout just looking really nice during a quiet time, and do weights. I'm not really trying to meet a guy in the gym, but the other day I was in there after a hair appointment with some lippy on and in a good mood with a smile on my face to boot, and interestingly this seemed to really get men to start a conversation 😂

I'd say the gym/sports club is more of a long game scenario, you start seeing the same faces and soon enough they'll start saying hi and it goes from there.

The chatty men in my gym are a bit weird though. I feel like 2 could be converted as they always make conversation in the sauna and remember things about me. BUT they also seem very keen to chat to/ help the girls that work there. These girls being very fit PTs that, because they work there, are obviously obliged to engage.

@ElleintheWoods - great suggestions! I am just rubbish at tennis so I am looking forward to taking up padel. Will also need to find a gym with a sauna.

I reckon a fair few people must come in the evenings around the same time so my goal is to survey the regulars over the next few weeks.

Padel is supposed to be really social and good for meeting people...

Saunas are good as you're not in an open public space. Pretty much anytime a man has chatted to me in a sports club, it's been when we are alone in the sauna... Or even in a sauna with a few other chatty people in.

As a bonus you already know what each other looks like with clothes off and sweaty 😂

The downside is that if someone is creepy, you're in the same sports club, so hard to shake them off/ avoid them! I did have a man ask me out (in the sauna obvs 😅) and after saying no, it became a little awkward to go.

Living in London, do you not meet people in your building/ street/ area? Not so much in London, I'll be honest, but in other big cities I've found that I get chatting to people that I see around the neighbourhood.

Apparently... https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/saunas-new-pub-hottest-social-hangout-london-b1163293.html

@ElleintheWoods - will definitely need to investigate a sauna to join!

My building is single professional women/couples only, and my neighbourhood is otherwise mainly families. I haven’t once seen a guy on his own in a coffee shop in the area. The only single men in the local pubs are in their mid 20s. I live in an area which is very white, English/European, with lots of bankers/lawyers so not a chance to meet anyone single over the age of 30.

It is the same around my work in the City - when I am out to get coffee/catch up with friends over a drink/have lunch etc, everyone around me is married. I used to do solo lunch from time to time at restaurants which have a bar area, and it was the same. Now I am sure if I move to some of the more hip areas of East London there might be more singles overall, but I have been out to quite a few bars/restaurants there with friends and colleagues and still not had a chance to strike up a conversation with anyone appropriate.

@ElleintheWoods

As a born and bred Londoner we don’t even say hello to our next door neighbours let alone random strangers.

London is nothing like other UK cities. Our ability to not make eye contact with anyone else is legendary. We are the most unfriendly city in the UK if not the world.

Anyone trying to even smile at strangers is looked at like they’ve just escaped from an asylum

@TwistedWonder - after 20 years in London, I have come to the same conclusion.

Welcome @Sallycinnamonspice ! This is a great thread. I think it's inevitable that many men will do and say stupid things if they aren't given any guidance. If you don't want sexual talk immediately, say that.

It's all about quickly ruling them in or out - photos/ swipe right? - chat/ click? - meet/ chemistry? With three steps having to be taken now instead of what used to be one, you need to keep a bit of pace and set out what you want pretty clearly.

@occhiazzurri "I need someone to brainwash me to find average men attractive 😆"

This is my problem too. I am unbelievably picky and only want to be with men I fancy to death. And yet I can find myself in a meeting or situation with someone who I've met before but never 'noticed' before and suddenly find them attractive because I notice their wrist and a double cuff looking sexy or they say or do something which just ignites my interest. This weird, pickiness/ spontaneous fancying of men means OLD is a hard slog for me!

@TwistedWonder @occhiazzurri Yes granted, most of my 'integrating quickly into the community' experiences have not been in London/the UK! Most areas just have too much of a daily turnover of people for shopkeepers etc to really get to know anyone.

Having said that though, I do find that men in London have the most 'game' compared to the rest of the UK. I always get someone approaching me and trying to get my number or giving me their card, which doesn't happen so much elsewhere. Same with compliments. London men just seem to be supremely confident and having that 'saw, liked, going for it' attitude - but also I do think these guys chat up multiple women a day so I'm not really flattered tbh.

Mind you, these men tend to be foreign. And not to be horrible but a little bit strange. In the summer I did give my number to a hot age-appropriate British man on a whim and he turned out to be a little bit strange!

On another note... I am chatting to a hot slightly younger interesting Italian man, it's been going a few weeks now... Initially I gave him my number as frankly he looked like a hotter version of Mr WorkCrush and I just needed some attention and validation. He does seem quite lovely though, smart, maybe a little lonely as a recent immigrant... He lives miles away though! Should I bother meeting him or just write it off? He wants different things from me so not sure what the long-term point would be...

@ElleintheWoods thank you! Patience is not my strong point but I will try to enjoy the moment. He messaged me earlier thanking me for listening and saying that he has never spoken to anyone like that before so I think I will take that as a compliment?

I often couple watch, I find it fascinating! In general though, from looking at my friends' relationships, if she is gorgeous and he is not conventionally attractive he often has some redeeming features that make up for it - super generous, adores her etc etc.

@Crushed23 sounds like you definitely fancy him so give him another go! I often wonder why men I date are still single but then I am still single and I don't think there is anything wrong with me! That photo you posted does resonate though 😂

@occhiazzurri I see men all over the apps talking about padel, it seems to be very fashionable atm.

@ElleintheWoods ooh Italian men are renouned for being romantic and good in bed! If you're happy to be casual then maybe give him a try but if you are intentionally dating for something long term it might not be worth it.

@ElleintheWoods - I can see what you mean being approached by someone who is not British. This has happened a few times when I was out with a younger crowd in Soho and a few foreigners - European/American etc tried to chat up the youngest in the groups (in their 20s). Oddly enough, it didn’t lead to any kind of date/relationships for the younger crowd. It seems a lot of men do it for validation with no intention to follow through these days.

I have been asked for my details/card by some strange pick up artists around central London - most recently when I was on my way to a play- but it felt like they were practising picking up women on the street!

Mr Italian sounds like a welcome distraction in the short term.

@oldernotwiserffs - I was unfortunately away the last two times singles events were held by the closest padel club so I am waiting for a new date to be announced and will report back!