Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@LaBrasseria2024 - sadly yes!

@occhiazzurri I think a lot of dates centre around drinking, especially in the early stages - a drink helps people feel more relaxed. I wouldn't worry about it too much just yet, see how it goes

@occhiazzurri - just wondering as I have been asked on a London date ( in London sometimes but haven't yet agreed) ....your post made me lol because the guy is teetotal and keeps asking me to go to art galleries lol....he is American/Hungarian though.

All of my first dates have been in a bar/pub - I’m not even a big drinker but I just think it’s a nice relaxing atmosphere to have a glass of wine and a chat. I wouldn’t see anything negative about it.

Neither. I prefer a glass of wine on a date just to help the nerves.

Most of my photos have me with a glass in hand, and I'm only a social drinker. It's just that's the only time I have my photo taken really.

@TwistedWonder @finallyaskedfordivorce - thank you for your thoughts, I will just go with an open mind then and limit my own drinking.

@LaBrasseria2024 - it doesn’t sound like it is the same person! I would say art galleries provide you with topics to discuss so it can be less awkward and often have nice cafes. I am a member at Tate Modern so a date there would be a dream but alas!

@PeachyKeane - that’s also true for me since I only take photos while on holiday or out with friends so have had to make an effort to find a few without - typically on a beach or concert.

@occhiazzurri - I don't have a clue about art! I'm not as cultured as him haha

@OchreHedgehog - yea, I pm'ed you back 😊😊

@occhiazzurri - you can just use the art you are seeing as a conversation starter - you don’t need to know anything about art really! It could be an opportunity for him to show off his knowledge!

I’ve just hive through my photos and realised only one I don’t have a wine or a cocktail. I’m not even much of a drinker, it’s just my best photos are on nights out or on holiday.

@occhiazzurri don't give up and delete Hinge! Give it time.

I also don't think suggesting a wine bar as a first date is at all a red flag. It's the perfect first date setting.

I've seen you post before but I'm not sure of your situation. Are you looking for fun or a longterm partner? What's your key criteria?

Mr Tradie has said he feels down quite a lot atm - we spoke about things on our last date and he appreciated me listening so I (stupidly) said I'd be happy to listen if it helps when he messaged today saying he was feeling down and he said we could chat this weekend when we meet. It's in my nature to help people but I don't want to become an unpaid therapist and for him to only want to see me because I am a good listener! Ugh why am I so stupid? On one hand it's nice he feels he can talk to me and emotionally connect in that way and tbf on our last date we spoke about some stuff I've been going through but on the other this feels very heavy for 5 dates in (although granted our dates have lasted 4-8 hours). Any advice?

Mr Rave wants to meet tomorrow night and go to a rave (lol), then presumably stay over at mine again and have sex.

I don't want to, because:

1. I don't fancy a late night tomorrow as my weekend is really busy
2. Can't have sex with him as I'm on my period and I don't like to do this with someone I don't know too well 😅

I want to let him down without making him feel like I am blowing him off completely. He's really sweet and I'd like to turn this into a FWB situation (as long as he doesn't smoke anywhere near me!)

Would suggesting a date next weekend give the wrong impression?

How much do you actually like him? If it were me, I would pull the plug on this as he's clearly not ready for a relationship and is using you as free counselling. I'm a firm believer in working on yourself before looking for a partner. It's not fair to saddle someone with your problems, especially this early in the game.

@Crushed23 why don't you just be honest with him. I always am. Tell him you're busy but would love to see him next weekend. I always tell them I'm on my period as well if I am.

@oldernotwiserffs that would put me off tbh. I would still go but maybe try to steer through conversation to more positive stuff? But then I'm very much of the "get on with things" generation and not so much into wallowing in depression. I'd be a terrible therapist 🙃

@occhiazzurri same. The only time I'm dressed up with makeup on is when I'm out socialising. So my best photos are of me cheersing the camera happily glass in hand. Maybe I need to get a friend to take a nice one before we actually go out one night.

@oldernotwiserffs I'm afraid I'm with @Crushed23 here, it sounds too full on for so early on, you should really be enjoying getting to know one another for now. He may end up using you to come over whatever it is that's he's dealing with, and then move on to the next one once he feels better as things got too heavy with you. But of course it also depends on how much you like him. If you're on the fence about him in general I would just cut my losses.

Mr Tallirish, whom I was supposed to meet for some amazing sex on Tuesday (he's my long-term FWB) but had to cancel because he was feeling rough, is still not 100% and I don't think I want to risk catching anything as travelling for work tomorrow. So unless he's improved significantly overnight looks like it's not gonna happen.
I decided against the 28 year old I was chatting with on Hinge, just feels too young, so have no good leads at the moment, and no one to chat to, other than Mr Tallirish of course. Mr Rebound is still keeping quiet. I may text him when I'm back in the UK but will just leave it for now, no point chasing.

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot do you find it addictive this search? I've got loads on the go atm, but as soon as it's quiet and I'm not texting anyone, I'm on the app looking for another one. Not good really.

In some ways yes, especially at times like these when the leads have dried up!
I have Hinge ticking in the background and get a few likes each day. I have tightened my criteria so not getting that many likes now, was just getting too many 20-somethings, they must have accounted for ~40% of the likes. Also set my upper age range to 49 as all the over 50s were looking so weather beaten, which is also limiting the likes as the 30-40 year olds seem to be quite elusive in general!

I might pause the app when I am away and hopefully that would give my profile a boost when I unpause it. Really don't want to start paying for it.

I’d probably go against the grain here…

Obviously you have ‘trauma dumping’ and then you have genuine human bonding. I’d say in any relationship of any sort, after a short while, it’s normal to allow each other to really open up and talk about it if they’re feeling down, or whatever they’re feeling. It’s more like ‘another human being is looking to connect with you at a deeper level, why would you turn them away’?

I think it’s a big problem in our society that people can’t open up to others IRL.

We wouldn’t need therapists to the extent that they’re being used now if we had more genuine connections in our lives. I do think it’s a partner/ friend/ family member’s job to be a good listener when the occasion arises, and it doesn’t need to be a years-established relationship to rise to the occasion.

I should know because I have had men I barely know staying on the phone to me for an hour asking for advice, or men coming to my office regularly telling me about things they’re struggling with and saying they can’t open up to partner/ family/ male friends.

I would 100% want a partner/ future partner choose me as the outlet to talk to in these circumstances. Allows you to get to know him on a deeper level/ his true self and make a more informed decision.

I feel like I can’t even develop any feelings for a guy until they do, and until I feel I can open up to them.

HOWEVER I’d be conscious about the ‘feeling down’. It’s not easy being with someone with a genuine mental health issue. Everyone feels down sometimes but perhaps just gauge the extent and reasons.

I’d also consider how much you actually like him. If you don’t see him in your life longer-term then perhaps closing that door early rather than leading on is the right way.

@Crushed23 - thank you for the encouragement! Apparently only 15% of OLD users are in my age category -40-50- so I have nearly run out of people in a radius of 30 km. I’ve been doing this once or twice a year for the past five years so I am now hoping for much luck this time again.

All my friends are in happy relationships, some of them have even remarried, and since I haven’t been married, I am looking for similar. But men my age clearly are not! The only criteria I have are someone I actually fancy, healthy/fit and tall (as I am 5’10’) this seems to eliminate 99.99% of men on OLD.

I work in a male dominated company so I guess I can either have an affair with someone from work or perhaps a fling with one of the 20 year olds whose eyes I have caught. Will likely get messy so I am abstaining for the moment.

@occhiazzurri that does sound tricky. It's the height thing that's the sticking point, I find. Tall men seem to be at a premium unfortunately 😕

Can you consider men in their 30s perhaps 🤔 they seem to be in plentiful supply. I think 20s is a little young but once they hit 30s they're a fully fledged adult really.

@PeachyKeane - I know! I wish I were petite. My case is also complicated by being a very high earner, which seems to put off a lot of men too. I guess I have too many unattractive traits for men in general and my dating pool is the 0.01% it seems.

Yes, I am open to dating someone in their 30s but they are not interested - whether in IRL or on OLD. I might try going to 20s for a short romance at some point!

@occhiazzurri you may find a bit of easy short term fun for a little while might scratch an itch...? Then the right man might wander across your path whilst you are relaxedly having fun?

@PeachyKeane - love the suggestion! Now need to find that person for fun 😆

@Crushed23 - I agree with @PeachyKeane here, being honest is the best course of action if you want to see him again.

Does anyone have any dates planned this weekend?

I'm going round tonight to see my guy who's keen, but I don't want anything serious, and he seems OK with that. Let's call him Mr Indie. He cooks for me, and we will have a fun evening in at his house.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting a younger man in a bar to see how we get on. Mr Lawyer. He's 38, likes dating older women. Looks cute.

I've got an older guy (my age) calling me for a chat as well Saturday morning, but I'm not sure about him. He keeps sending me selfies and asking me to send photos (not rude, just head shots). I don't do that before I meet someone.