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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve fucked everything up

328 replies

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 02:23

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

OP posts:
Janie143 · 10/01/2025 05:42

Op may I gently suggest contacting your local domestic violence service. They will help you understand what is happening to you and safely get away from him if that's what you decide you want to do. I used the one near my work so he would find out.

LostittoBostik · 10/01/2025 05:42

Reading this I think there are bigger issues in your relationship than you lying - which admittedly isn't great, but what choice did you have if you wanted to exert bodily autonomy?

You need to see a counsellor together to unpick why you felt lying (which you regret) was the only option. Why does he feel entitled to say that he'll leave you if you make personal choices such as Botox or weight loss? They are not equivalent to illegal drugs such as cocaine or heroin. Why does he feel your choices here have an impact on him or are within his control? He can say "I really don't think you need to" or "I'm worried about the side effects for you" - but "flat no" is not a sentence that a loving partner should ever utter. He sounds controlling. You sound like you're desperately trying to find small ways to take control back . This is all worth exploring.

Userxyd · 10/01/2025 05:42

@Sceptical123 💯 - it's him isn't it 😩

Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:43

Userxyd · 10/01/2025 05:42

@Sceptical123 💯 - it's him isn't it 😩

I really think it is, and if it is, I fear for OP 😢

CheekyHobson · 10/01/2025 05:44

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Edited

He might not consciously be thinking “If I make a massive fuss about this and sulk she’ll feel terrible and do what I want” but believe me, at some level he knows full well that this behaviour gets him the results he wants.

And no, it’s not any help. Most abusers are not fully conscious of what they are doing but know it’s not really right, but in some ways it’s actually worse and more hopeless when they are thoroughly convinced there is nothing at all wrong with their behaviour.

MaggieBsBoat · 10/01/2025 05:45

If something like this is making your DH question everything you’ve ever said to him then I can understand why you felt you needed to sneak around OP. Clearly he is controlling you emotionally on some level (your level of upset is testament to that). I am just open mouthed at the level of self-harm that you are doing emotionally in your post.
This is awful.
If you cannot be honest with your husband and he cannot be kind with you, about the small things and the big things then either there’s some abuse going on or you just plainly need counselling together.
Is there a history of eating disorders/mental health issues?

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:48

It's not him, he's asleep.

He didn't say he would leave me if I did them. To be fair to him, I never even discussed Ozempic with him, because I felt I knew what his reaction would be. It would be the same one he has on Botox. He's also been making his disapproval known to me about other people we both know to be taking it.

The reason he's considering leaving me because I lied when he asked my if I was taking it. I said I'd had but only once. I then continued to stick to that, until I got caught out in that lie today when he saw they payments on my banking app.

OP posts:
Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:51

Do you think it would make things worse if I sent him this thread?

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 10/01/2025 05:51

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/01/2025 03:25

I can totally understand why someone who is obese would consider buying these drugs.

You have to prove that you are obese to get Wegovy et al. So OP must have been obese to start on them.

A Wegovy prescription from Boots is “buying drugs off the internet". Explain how that's any more risk than seeing your GP?

Edited
Show quote history

You’re spot on.
A lot if people mistakenly think you can order it on Amazon type sites. It is a regulated drug and you have to be prescribed it by a dr first.

OP men are simple humans, and I believe it is 100% the lying. He will now be feeling deceived, and wondering what else you have lied about. You’ve shown him what you’re capable of, and it isn’t something he ever expected from you. He’s going to need time to heal from the lying.

Regarding the drug itself, it is your body your choice. But it would’ve been nice if you could’ve had a conversation with your husband who, through perhaps his opinion of disapproval, may have raised some valid concerns which you could’ve addressed with the dr.

It’s what you do next that counts.

LostittoBostik · 10/01/2025 05:52

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Edited

Why does he think YOU need therapy? Why doesn't he think that as a couple you need to explore why you felt that this was necessary to lie over? Why you are so frightened to tell him this personal detail? That's right - because he knows exactly what he's doing.

Take the solo therapy anyway OP. It will help you come to understand that you're in an abusive relationship.

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/01/2025 05:54

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 03:00

It’s the lying he’s so upset with. Which to be fair I think is valid. Not only did I hide it all and sneak around to begin with but I then outright lied to his face. I don’t think he’ll ever be able trust me again.

It’s also thrown up things from the past, like he came out tonight and asked I cheated on him when we’re teenagers when I went back packing on my own…wtf?! (I have never), but now say he doesn’t believe me and I guess I don’t really have a leg to stand on.

Oh he does believe you . This is just control OP ffs . You lied because you were scared to tell your own dh the truth.
You lied because he would have chose NO for you when you were making a choice on weight loss medication.
You are conditioned OP he is distraught because he doesn’t have the control over you he thought he did now he is starting questioning everything because he was so cocky in himself and the hold he has over you. .

Eviebeans · 10/01/2025 05:54

I’m sorry if I have missed the answer to this but did it work in terms of losing weight and you feeling better

HelenTudorFisk · 10/01/2025 05:54

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:51

Do you think it would make things worse if I sent him this thread?

Absolutely DO NOT send your coercively controllling partner evidence you are seeking advice and opinions outside the relationship.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:54

@MaggieBsBoat
I don't have an eating disorder but I do think I have some disordered eating habits. I quite often restrict myself then end up binging on something but it's never been a real issue, more toxic diet culture and an obsession with wanting to be thin.

Ironically whilst on Ozempic I was eating the most normally I have done and consistently for a while.

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 10/01/2025 05:55

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:51

Do you think it would make things worse if I sent him this thread?

Yes. Much worse.

Please don’t show him this thread OP. Obviously you know him better than any of us strangers but… I get the feeling if you sent him this thread he would try and gaslight and manipulate you into thinking all the advice is wrong/stupid etc.

Please talk to a therapist about his behaviour or even contact Women’s Aid.

Janie143 · 10/01/2025 05:55

LostittoBostik · 10/01/2025 05:42

Reading this I think there are bigger issues in your relationship than you lying - which admittedly isn't great, but what choice did you have if you wanted to exert bodily autonomy?

You need to see a counsellor together to unpick why you felt lying (which you regret) was the only option. Why does he feel entitled to say that he'll leave you if you make personal choices such as Botox or weight loss? They are not equivalent to illegal drugs such as cocaine or heroin. Why does he feel your choices here have an impact on him or are within his control? He can say "I really don't think you need to" or "I'm worried about the side effects for you" - but "flat no" is not a sentence that a loving partner should ever utter. He sounds controlling. You sound like you're desperately trying to find small ways to take control back . This is all worth exploring.

Seeing a counselor together is not good advice in this situation.

Chonk · 10/01/2025 05:55

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:51

Do you think it would make things worse if I sent him this thread?

Yes. He's a controlling, manipulative arsehole and showing him that so many people can see that isn't likely to go down well.

LushLemonTart · 10/01/2025 05:56

Chonk · 10/01/2025 05:55

Yes. He's a controlling, manipulative arsehole and showing him that so many people can see that isn't likely to go down well.

Show quote history

Exactly. Definitely don't show him.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:57

HelenTudorFisk
Clearly I'm not a good judge of this, but if you sent your partner a thread about an issue you had what would a normal reaction be?

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:58

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:51

Do you think it would make things worse if I sent him this thread?

Unfortunately I don’t think he’d suddenly change his viewpoint after a load of (presumably mainly) women have told you he’s a coercive dick. It’s likely to make him more hostile, but you know him better than us. Is he normally open to other people’s differing opinions?

category12 · 10/01/2025 05:58

You're in a controlling relationship.

Don't send him this thread.

Don't have joint counselling. Individual counselling is fine and a free space to work through things. Joint counselling is a really bad idea with someone with controlling/emotionally abusive behaviours.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:58

I don't know, I just don't want to be caught out for lying again.

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 10/01/2025 05:59

You were clearly too scared to tell him.

It’s your body and fuck all to do with him what you take!

I think you are being brainwashed by this very controlling man.

category12 · 10/01/2025 06:01

I think his reaction is likely to be that:

A.you're in the wrong for discussing your relationship online
B. we're bitter awful people who know nothing

Wannabeamummybad · 10/01/2025 06:02

What a controlling husband you have. It seems he shames you for small mistakes. But those mistakes are not mistakes at all. It is an attempt to feel safe from judgement, gaslighting and being made to feel shit*y about a topic you should have agency on. Your own body! Wth

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