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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve fucked everything up

328 replies

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 02:23

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2025 05:12

None of his reactions are within the bounds of normal. He sounds very manipulative and good at coercive control. I imagine you’ve been a boiled frog to think any of this is ok. I know a break up will be painful. In time I think you’ll feel very different. Not being controlled is a fantastic thing.

isthismylifenow · 10/01/2025 05:14

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:03

I guess I just don’t feel like its control (which I’m aware sounds pathetic). It’s more like he will say no and just hugely disapprove of stuff or say something like “no I don’t want you to do it, I think it’s a stupid lazy thing to do” or in the case of Botox as an example “it would fuck up your face” and then he would sulk and be cross with me for even suggesting it/be all arsey with me for ages and ages after bringing up something. Last week the topic came up in conversation naturally with someone, he was there and got really pissy because I said to the person that I didn't see a problem what someone chooses to do to their body/face as long as they were happy, which made him cross with me!

I think someone mentioned up thread about saying “this is what I’m doing, end of” and Ive remembered I actually tested this out a couple
months back. I sort of jokingly said “I know you don’t like it, but I do see myself getting a bit of Botox as some point” and he stormed off, and has since then bought it back up again, and again, and then I just start to think it’s not worth the hassle and if I were to do it he’d just be really mean about so I don’t.

Edited

Your first and last paragraphs are contradictory.

You don't feel he controls what you do, but give examples of just that.

You don't see it because you have most likely just accepted it for how it is. But now this has heightened your awareness, so maybe now you will be able to see things more clearly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2025 05:15

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:11

Ignignokte
thank you, this is reasonable and I think he thinks that this is what the conversation would
have gone like, but I believe (based off conversations similar) it would have been a no by proxy if that makes any sense at all. What I shouldn’t have done is to have done it anyway.

Why shouldn’t you have done it anyway? Please can you explain why because to those of us, who aren’t being coercively controlled. I can tell you that I’d just tell my dh to eff off and get the Botox / weight loss drugs anyway it if he didn’t agree. My body my choice. NB this wouldn’t apply to illegal drugs btw.

Janie143 · 10/01/2025 05:15

he stormed off, and has since then bought it back up again, and again, and then I just start to think it’s not worth the hassle and if I were to do it he’d just be really mean about so I don’t

he was there and got really pissy because I said to the person that I didn't see a problem what someone chooses to do to their body/face as long as they were happy, which made him cross with me!

My darling OP right here are 2 examples of how he uses his reactions to things to control what you do or don't do

EverybodyLovesString · 10/01/2025 05:16

If the situation was reversed and he said "I want to do x for my health" and you didn't think it was a great idea, would you sulk about it? Would you be arsey for ages and keep on bringing it up? If you found out he'd done it without your knowledge, would you threaten to end the relationship and tell him you can't trust that he never cheated on you?

You know you wouldn't. Because it would be a terrible way to treat your spouse.

His reaction is so disproportionate to what you've done and his treatment of you if you do something he disapproves of - sulky, being arsey - is just not right.

Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:17

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 03:07

The “no” would be because he dislikes
all drugs, against buying drugs off the internet from online pharmacies and doesn't think I need it.

That still doesn’t give him the right to dictate to you. It can be a flat no for himself, or a discussion regarding your kids - but it’s your body. Do you have a say over his?

You need to take control of this situation and turn the discussion back on him. Ask why he thought you felt you had to lie. This product is about your health and also your mental and emotional well being - why would he be against that? Bully for fucking him that he likes you as you are, but you don’t. He’s probably insecure and is worried you will become more attractive losing weight - and how this will affect your relationship, and more importantly your self esteem.

You shouldn’t have had to sneak around OP, he should have respected and cared for you enough to take your views seriously and support you in improving your lifestyle. He should want you to be happy and healthy. Why doesn’t he? Ask him. Sounds like an insecure twat who wants to keep you in your place.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 10/01/2025 05:18

HelenTudorFisk · 10/01/2025 02:26

I think it’s absolutely ridiculous he thought he was allowed to have a ‘flat no’ for YOU starting medication for YOUR body.
No, you shouldn’t have lied but I’d bet my house there are many more serious controlling behaviours he displays.

This. 👏🏼

timetodecide2345 · 10/01/2025 05:18

What a strange relationship you have. You don't need ozempc you need to sack him off. Also you seem to be catastrophising. You haven't killed anyone so calm down! You probably lied because he is so bloody controlling!

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:20

I guess I just don’t feel like its control (which I’m aware sounds pathetic). It’s more like he will say no and just hugely disapprove of stuff or say something like “no I don’t want you to do it, I think it’s a stupid lazy thing to do”

This is ABSOLUTELY control.

I’m afraid to ask, but how do you see control, OP?

Janie143 · 10/01/2025 05:27

PP suggested read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft . A very close friend suggested the same to me and it is what made me realaise I was being controlled. If you decide to read it please don't get the online version if your H looks at your devices. I asked my friend to order a physical copy and I read it at work. Why ..... because I knew he would freak out if he found it. Which I now know was in itself proof I was being controlled but didn't realise

Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:27

This is an abusive relationship OP and the fact you’re saying he suggested therapy for keeping something from him that is 100% your choice and you don’t seem to have a problem with that, in fact you seem happy it has met with his approval, illustrates that this is by no means an equal relationship, and you defer to him, even when it affects your own well being. If you have children this is teaching your son/s to treat women like this and your daughter/s to accept being treated by their partner like this. It’s wrong in so many ways. Please wake up.

HelenTudorFisk · 10/01/2025 05:29

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Edited

Jesus wept.
I promise he’s not on board for the type of therapy he needs. He wants YOU to have therapy to punish you. Because you are the bad one who needs it. I’m sure if you asked him if he thinks needs therapy in relation to his actions he would say ‘Why do I need it? I haven’t done anything g wrong. It’s you who lied and caused all this’.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 10/01/2025 05:30

Everything you just posted, OP - the sulking, the tantrums, the threat of his ‘disapproval’ and all the emotional punishment he hangs over your head to stop you doing things he doesn’t want you to do, the wearing you down so that it’s just not worth the hassle to go against his dictats - all of this is classic coercive control.

I imagine you tread on eggshells around quite a lot beyond the use of Botox or ozempic, don’t you? The trouble is it’s difficult to identify and you get sucked in slowly over time, like a boiled frog, until you’ve totally normalised tying yourself in knots to centre his needs and ‘keep the peace’ (ask me how I know …).

You somehow convince yourself that this is normal married life, and every relationship involves the same kind of compromises and boundaries. Until you realise that’s not true at all, and this is not what a happy, healthy partnership looks like. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You’ve not fucked everything up, OP, by spending your own money on a treatment that you, as an adult woman, would like and feel you need for the sake of your health. How could that be the case?

Ask yourself what kind of loving and reasonable man would make you feel that you have to hide it from him in the first place, let alone go crazy and use it to start questioning your fidelity as a teenager (WTAF?!) and leave you crying and berating yourself all night. Hope you’re ok x

Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:31

HelenTudorFisk · 10/01/2025 05:29

Jesus wept.
I promise he’s not on board for the type of therapy he needs. He wants YOU to have therapy to punish you. Because you are the bad one who needs it. I’m sure if you asked him if he thinks needs therapy in relation to his actions he would say ‘Why do I need it? I haven’t done anything g wrong. It’s you who lied and caused all this’.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. He will be right in all things, those that disagree are clearly wrong. He’s successfully brainwashed you, OP. Either that or your self esteem was through the floor when you met and he preyed upon you. Were you told what to do like this by your parents or previous partners?

LushLemonTart · 10/01/2025 05:32

Just adding that I agree with all those saying he's controlling. You've just been conditioned to think this is normal.

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 10/01/2025 05:33

Op, it doesn't matter if it would've been a "flat no". He doesn't get a say in what you do with your body so you are clearly scared of him which doesn't bode well.

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 05:33

He sounds like a massive twat. Do the Freedom Programme.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:34

HelenTudorFisk
He was actually going to go, we had a really frank discussion when I told him I’d only tried it once (lie) and we sort of explored that. I should have come clean with it all then but I was on damage control and figured once was better to deal with than actually buying it and taking it for three months.

OP posts:
Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:35

We’ve been together since we were 14/15 I’ve only ever known or been with him.

OP posts:
TurqoiseJasper · 10/01/2025 05:36

tolerable · 10/01/2025 03:16

seriously?
its the deceit thats the issue. the absolute intent comes close second. she skipped pages,got caught out,lied that time for sure..and let him find evidence that she had.
where did you pulll "worried bout confidence growing"?? nothing op suggests he feeds her pies to devalue her shelf appeal. Not hes a jealous abuser control freak.she could have opted to announce plan,knowing would disapprove. but didnt.
@onceuponatimelived .She did.she was decietful.repeatedly\increasingly.how is that ok.
@OHara1991

yu have to take ALL the accountability for this... that doesnt mean he waould be right saying n/but the fight you have now is harder than the honest route(im NOT asking you\am tell you im doing it).

Show quote history

Are you alright??? Seriously?
yourself.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/01/2025 05:37

House green or strong smelling perfumes impact HIM.

How does you taking medication impact him?

You don’t have freedom.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2025 05:38

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Edited

Have a think about what you mean.

You don't think he's consciously trying to control you...

You want one thing.
He wants another.

He argues, sulks, threatens to leave, accuses you of things. And then you do what he wants. He's not sleepwalking when he sulks and argues. He's fully conscious, trying to make you do what he wants with your body.

FFS my DH currently has a beard I hate. I don't go on and on at him until he shaves.

Sceptical123 · 10/01/2025 05:38

TurqoiseJasper · 10/01/2025 05:36

Are you alright??? Seriously?
yourself.

Show quote history

Sounds like her Oh wrote that

Userxyd · 10/01/2025 05:41

If you went to a counsellor and explained this they would see through it in an instant. They'd likely ask you both the same questions about whether you feel you are/are not free to make decisions about your own lives and he would get very uncomfortable very quickly, make an excuse- or start an argument- leave and make you leave with him.
He will know all this already and will have ZERO intention of actually going to a counsellor. Tell him you've booked one and see his reaction. On the day or right before, he'll cancel.
It's all bluster, part of the routine.
He's completely controlling and you are completely programmed by him.
So sorry OP you've got a sad awakening ahead of you where you'll review various events in your relationship through this new lens and it will all become clear.
Time to start getting your ducks in a row Flowers