Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve fucked everything up

328 replies

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 02:23

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 10/01/2025 14:50

Op yes the lying is awful and he will feel like maybe he can’t trust you, but not to the extreme you’re blaming yourself, and while he might be justified in feeling upset now, most definitely it’s not something that’s equivalent to what you think it is and he can’t make this something that changes your relationship forever. Just talk to him x

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 14:55

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 14:50

Op yes the lying is awful and he will feel like maybe he can’t trust you, but not to the extreme you’re blaming yourself, and while he might be justified in feeling upset now, most definitely it’s not something that’s equivalent to what you think it is and he can’t make this something that changes your relationship forever. Just talk to him x

More like he will feel like he can’t trust that she will do what he tells her to. That’s why he’s so upset. If my DP lied to me about taking weight loss injections then I’d maybe think it was odd but I wouldn’t take it as some personal insult because what he puts in his body is up to him. However if I was a controlling knob I’d probably be upset because he had gone against what I told him to do. I’d actually assume that the reason someone had kept it quiet was because they felt a bit self conscious about it or were embarrassed about ‘cheating’ or not having enough willpower. I definitely wouldn’t twist it so that it was all about me.

StopGo · 10/01/2025 16:30

@OHara1991 I think he was checking up on you deliberately and has been doing for a long time.
This time he hit the jackpot and now he has a very big stick to beat you with. This, sadly, won't get any better.

Therapy for you is a good idea, consider doing the freedom programme and reading "Why Does He Do This" by Lundy Bancroft. Educate yourself.

Snugglemonkey · 10/01/2025 16:38

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:03

I guess I just don’t feel like its control (which I’m aware sounds pathetic). It’s more like he will say no and just hugely disapprove of stuff or say something like “no I don’t want you to do it, I think it’s a stupid lazy thing to do” or in the case of Botox as an example “it would fuck up your face” and then he would sulk and be cross with me for even suggesting it/be all arsey with me for ages and ages after bringing up something. Last week the topic came up in conversation naturally with someone, he was there and got really pissy because I said to the person that I didn't see a problem what someone chooses to do to their body/face as long as they were happy, which made him cross with me!

I think someone mentioned up thread about saying “this is what I’m doing, end of” and Ive remembered I actually tested this out a couple
months back. I sort of jokingly said “I know you don’t like it, but I do see myself getting a bit of Botox as some point” and he stormed off, and has since then bought it back up again, and again, and then I just start to think it’s not worth the hassle and if I were to do it he’d just be really mean about so I don’t.

Edited

You are describing control and abuse.

Michellesbackbrace · 10/01/2025 16:50

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 14:50

Op yes the lying is awful and he will feel like maybe he can’t trust you, but not to the extreme you’re blaming yourself, and while he might be justified in feeling upset now, most definitely it’s not something that’s equivalent to what you think it is and he can’t make this something that changes your relationship forever. Just talk to him x

Some of these replies are so damaging and ignorant.

He DOES NOT have any justification for acting the way he’s acted. He is not the OP’s keeper. He sounds like an abusive, selfish knob who makes the OP’s life hell when she doesn’t go along with his wishes.

You are telling an emotionally abused woman that her dh’s behaviour is ok and that she should feel bad for lying about something that he basically forced her to lie about bc she’s scared of his reaction. The whole point of this tale is that the h’s domineering behaviour is the REASON she lied. In a healthy relationship she would’ve had no reason to hide it from him.

Posters here who are very wise to this type of behaviour are trying to get the op to seek help and see his reaction for what it is - coercive and controlling.

Posters saying stuff like “yes you should be ashamed” and “yes he has a right to be upset” are frankly ignorant and are setting the op back in what may be a reality she really needs to become aware of: that the dynamic between she and her h is not healthy or normal.

Snugglemonkey · 10/01/2025 17:17

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:35

We’ve been together since we were 14/15 I’ve only ever known or been with him.

I think this is the problem to be honest. You don't know what it is like to be in an equal relationship.

Wannabeamummybad · 10/01/2025 17:23

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 10:01

Thanks everyone for all your messages, I have read them all.

I think there is a lot to be said for the fact we've been together since we were very young. I've never thought of it in that way before, but we really do not know any different and are very entwined, which is clearly not healthy for either of us. It really resonated with me when someone said we both don't know how to be independent adults, because we've never been, we've always relied on each other.

He is a good person, I know people will talk about scales and eyes and everything but he is and I know he loves me, as I love him. I do though acknowledge that his behavior, is not healthy and I've been going along with it for a while. However, my behavior is not much better either. I'm going to start individual therapy and I'm going to apologies for my lying again but then make it very clear that I want to draw a line in it and move on.

If after exploring it with my own therapist and if I want to go down that road I will also suggest marriage counseling, he would be open to it.

I will work on my behavior, and I will not lie again. However, I will also be more vigilant if something comes up that makes me want to lie and I will stand firm and do whatever I want to with my own body.

Thanks x

Edited

Hi OP. Therapy is a great step. That should give you a safe space for exploring things. Please have solo sessions, even if you also have additional couple ones. Boundaries are important, even with people we love and can't imagine living apart from.

Flyg · 10/01/2025 17:27

Michellesbackbrace · 10/01/2025 16:50

Some of these replies are so damaging and ignorant.

He DOES NOT have any justification for acting the way he’s acted. He is not the OP’s keeper. He sounds like an abusive, selfish knob who makes the OP’s life hell when she doesn’t go along with his wishes.

You are telling an emotionally abused woman that her dh’s behaviour is ok and that she should feel bad for lying about something that he basically forced her to lie about bc she’s scared of his reaction. The whole point of this tale is that the h’s domineering behaviour is the REASON she lied. In a healthy relationship she would’ve had no reason to hide it from him.

Posters here who are very wise to this type of behaviour are trying to get the op to seek help and see his reaction for what it is - coercive and controlling.

Posters saying stuff like “yes you should be ashamed” and “yes he has a right to be upset” are frankly ignorant and are setting the op back in what may be a reality she really needs to become aware of: that the dynamic between she and her h is not healthy or normal.

Show quote history

Agree with all of this. I left a relationship where coercive control was taking place and this thread has really shaken me and chilled my blood because it is SO OBVIOUS why she didn't tell him. She isn't a malicious liar and she shouldn't be beating herself up like this (re-read her OP, where she says she's sleepwalked into fucking up her husband, kids and own life - that is not a proportionate reaction)

He has made her feel that way by telling her he has now decided that nothing she ever says is to be trusted, he believes she cheated on him years ago and he is carrying it on with the silent treatment.

The only thing he is upset about is that she dared do something he has let her know he doesnt like.

Funny that he just happened to ask her about it, leading to her panicked lie because she was scared of his reaction, and then he just happened to be looking at her transactions isnt it?

OP please stop minimising this. People on this thread who have been through similar can see exactly what is happening here. You will spend your life feeling awful about yourself, scared to be free, scared to be yourself.

Read Lundy Bancroft. DO NOT show him this thread.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/01/2025 18:08

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 03:53

Good question re HRT I think if it was prescribed by a doctor then yes he’d be fine, if I were just to order it because I felt I needed it then no.

Edited
Show quote history

Does he know that Wegovy is prescribed by a doctor?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/01/2025 18:10

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:19

@EverybodyLovesString Nail on the head really, about the freedom thing but surely this is the case for most relationships?

like if a partner hated the colour green and came back to find you’d painted the whole house green, that would be wrong of the person who painted the house green…knowing they didn’t like it, right? Surely there are things or boundaries in all relationships.

Show quote history

Your body isn't a shared house. HTH.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/01/2025 18:14

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 06:28

Wildwalksinjanuary
Well I'll guess I'll never really know, but I would imagine it would have been a huge thing about why he disapproves, how could anyone anywhere inject themselves with something off the internet, I always do whatever I want, his opinion doesn't matter, that sort of thing.

He just left for work without saying anything to me. Which he never normally does (silent treatment).

The silent treatment can be a form of abuse.

Honestly, you need to leave this rat.

TipsyJoker · 10/01/2025 18:21

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:19

Shit, I see what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s consciously doing it if that’s of any help.

Thank you to whoever suggested therapy, I’ve reached out to a few this evening. He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Edited

He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. He does it for a purpose which benefits him. Read this. I bet you’ll find him in it.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Caaarrrl · 10/01/2025 19:07

OP, I hope that you start to realise how controlling he is now. There are so many things wrong with everything you've posted. Good luck.

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 19:19

Michellesbackbrace

If it’s a money or a health worry thing he can be upset, are you saying in every relationship people can just put their hands up and say no it’s my choice? Other things impact people in your family

duckyducko · 10/01/2025 19:31

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 19:19

Michellesbackbrace

If it’s a money or a health worry thing he can be upset, are you saying in every relationship people can just put their hands up and say no it’s my choice? Other things impact people in your family

You're not posting on a thread about "every relationship", you're posting on one in which the OP is dealing with coercive control, which is a form of abuse.

Arguing about hypothetical situations where somebody might be justified in being upset isn't helpful.

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 19:51

duckyducko

saying that definitively is as damaging to the op to be fair-this is a thread on mn where people are saying things that could lead op down a dark path that might not be there. She needs to talk to family and friends and people who know her and her dh’s relationship because there’s a thin line between throwing accusations and a marriage being blown up. I’m not saying it’s not coercive control, I’m saying it might not be, I amn’t a psychiatrist and neither is anyone on this thread I’m betting

Michellesbackbrace · 10/01/2025 20:00

stayathomer · 10/01/2025 19:19

Michellesbackbrace

If it’s a money or a health worry thing he can be upset, are you saying in every relationship people can just put their hands up and say no it’s my choice? Other things impact people in your family

If you’re talking about taking medication that can get you to a healthy weight - yes.

He can be as upset as he likes - although why he’d be upset about his DW getting to a healthy weight I don’t know - there are only negative reasons for that I can think of. How exactly does her losing weight impact their family in anything but a positive way?

What he shouldn’t do is sulk, give her the silent treatment and turn it around on her with accusations of cheating and how he’ll never be able to trust her again. Slamming out of the house, creating a bad atmosphere and making threats to leave is a complete overreaction and has the OP treading on eggshells and feeling guilt akin to murdering someone - that is very disordered behaviour and anyone who doesn’t think so I would guess is maybe controlling themselves so doesn’t see the problem. Or is well under the thumb.

Anyone who cares about and loves their partner would not act in such a way but would understand the reasons for the non-disclosure of taking weight loss medication.

Id also wonder what the h spends money on that the op doesn’t know about. Does he run every purchase by her and ask approval? That really isn’t normal either.

If he said he wanted a new bike and the op said no because she was worried about road traffic accidents wouldn’t you think that over the top? And if he went ahead and secretly bought it she’d have the right to completely flip out, start throwing accusations relating to trust and threatening to leave? Punishing with silent treatment and asking him if he cheated on her as a teenager as he clearly can’t be trusted?

I can’t understand how anyone can read the OP’s posts and think his behaviour is anything but utterly controlling and nefarious.

CaptinKitty · 10/01/2025 20:41

OP, I would bet money on the fact there is a part of him that is delighted this has happened because he can now use this to control you further.

Every time you step out of line or he wants to pull you back in, this will be the example he throws back in your face. And you were so conditioned and so ready to take all the blame and think his reaction was normal that you would have bent to his will every time.

Going out for dinner with a friend? Can’t do that now, what if you’re cheating? You say you’re not but remember that time you lied to my face and destroyed all our trust…… rinse and repeat

He would have leveraged your guilt time and time again to keep chipping away at any self autonomy you had left.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/01/2025 21:54

You've sleep walked into fucking up his life?! What on earth.

It's not good to lie to partners but equally you should be allowed to take whatever medicine you like (including Botox if you like - highly recommend!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/01/2025 21:55

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 02:46

He’s not distraught about the ozempic, it’s about the fact I lied to him. He says he doesn’t care about that aspect of it, although it would have caused a huge thing if I’d have been honest from the start and it would have been a flat no I know it would have. I paid for three months of it out of my own money, I work full time.

For complete transparency I was borderline needing it. I was on the higher scale of overweight but not obese. So I think there’s that too

So many you need to tell him you're equally upset that you felt you had to lie to him and let's start a conversation there

(This is NOT like a cheating scenario when they had to lie because it's wrong and against the terms and conditions of the marriage)

Flutterbees · 10/01/2025 23:40

You haven't destroyed anything, he is controlling and the fact that you've had such a reaction to him checking your bank records and seeing the purchases indicates how ingrained that control is in your life. I'd advise you to seek the advice of a trusted friend who can see your relationship from the outside, to get another perspective on how this man is treating you.

TipsyJoker · 11/01/2025 09:35

is this another case of the OP not liking the replies and buggering off? I hope she’s alright.

category12 · 11/01/2025 09:59

TipsyJoker · 11/01/2025 09:35

is this another case of the OP not liking the replies and buggering off? I hope she’s alright.

Probably shocked by the perspective change from "everything would be great if only I wasn't so awful" to "actually it looks like you're in a controlling relationship".

Hopefully she'll think on it and be back in time, whether this thread or a new one.

NotaRealHousewife · 11/01/2025 10:08

The issues is that you felt you had to lie. It's your body and your money so nothing to do with him

SpiggingBelgium · 15/01/2025 09:19

You need to get rid of this controlling arse. Of course he doesn’t want you to take Ozempic - he’s scared that, if you lose weight, your confidence will grow and you might start to question whether you really need to put up with this crap. He’s not worried about you lying; he’s worried about your eyes being opened.

Swipe left for the next trending thread