I’ve fucked everything up

[OHara1991]

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

Ironically whilst on Ozempic I was eating the most normally I have done and consistently for a while.

That is the whole point of taking this, OP. It’s ironic you think this is ironic.

Have you told him this?

Op I think showing him this thread could be dangerous for you Pleae don't. Try not to be any different around him and please talk to domestic violence service like women's aid in secret. They are the experts in abuse. If you tell them how he is and they say no that isn't coercive control (abuse) that will prove to you we are all wrong. But if we are right you need their help.

Wow it gets better !
OP your relationships isn’t based on what you thought .
He is so secure and jealous that he is not allowing you stuff to make yourself feel more look better. .

Tell the guy to leave.
My next secret would be counselling then I bet your next secret is a trip to the solicitor.
The amount of manipulation is unreal .

@Janie143 having now read the full thread, I agree...

This all seems a bit dramatic.

It sounds like he is controlling.
it can be tricky though - my partner would hate it if i used Botox for example - because its unnatural etc but also because of the look - i wouldn't necessarily feel the need to discuss it with him - if i did i would be prepared to ignore his opinion and do what i wanted (which then creates additional issues)- but could accept that he may find me less attractive as a result.
DP has currently changed his hairstyle to one that i find unattractive to a large degree ( i actually find it repulsive as it's unkempt doesn't look clean, makes him look old and he has developed annoying habits of playing with it!) - whilst i have told him this - they are my views only and i don't get to veto what he does (merely how i interact with him!)
what other decisions do you feel the need to run past him?

“Caught out for lying”, “I was in damage control” - listen to the language you’re using. OP. Like a little kid frightened of being in trouble with your dad or schoolteacher.

He may not be physically threatening, but the dynamic of your relationship is that he’s the person in charge and you’re the one at fault or to blame or in trouble. His emotional control is dominating the way you think, speak, feel and behave.

You have been with this man since you were a child, and to me it sounds like you have never developed your adult voice op.

You are mot allowed opinions or to make decisions that are separate from him.

I am on weight loss drugs. My dh doesn’t approve either but I just said I’m doing it anyway, it’s my body, my choice. This is the difference you don’t seem to have any autonomy over your own body or your own life, he is deciding absolutely everything for you.

To such an extent you don’t trust yourself at all any longer.

This is the very definition of a controlling and abusive relationship.

He should not be making these decisions for you, or punishing you if he doesn’t agree.

The only way you are going to address this is by standing by your word and decisions and if he wants to be upset/angry/ leave because he doesn’t agree then let him.

You are an adult op, you can decide for yourself what goes into your own body: he doesn’t get to decide what’s best for you. He will get upset, because he is used to calling the shots, but unless you start to say to him - you are being utterly unreasonable and h will make my own decisions thank you, then you will remain a shell of a person being controlled and coerced by someone else.

The fact he threatened to leave you over this small issue, shows he emotionally manipulates you. Uses the threat of abandonment to get you in to line. Please call women’s aid and talk through how you can start.to speak up.

For those saying you have to be obese, I wasn't. It was prescribed by a doctor, but from an online pharmacy. I was at the wrong end of over overweight and I'm short but was not obese. I can 100% see the worry about how very easy it was to buy.

It would still be that persons choice then the other person is allowed to make their own mind up if it’s a dealbreaker or not .
Your dh can have an opinion . It’s not like he would see Botox like a face tattoo.
As for a smell naturally we wouldn’t want to wear something that made our other half sick.
But op it’s our choice this isn’t what you get .

Your dh is deciding=controling

My friend has secret botox. Her husband doesn’t know. She knows he hates it but she works hard and keeps that quiet. It’s the only thing she keeps to herself. They’re very close and have been married over 20 years.

He’s not your dad. I really don’t think it’s a big deal lovely. You’ll feel ok soon. It’ll pass.x

OP, if the rest of your relationship is truly as you say/ believe it to be then couples therapy so you can both see what is actually happening here is needed: you think you have a freedom, and you don’t: He controls you with moods and disapproval. The fact he thinks YOU need therapy for lying but hasn’t stopped to ask himself why his behaviour would make you feel that you need to, speaks volumes.

you tried to improve your life and health. If you’re getting on well with them and meet the medical criteria as you say- why stop? Persue your health unapologetically. He should be supportive. It is your body.,

whilst I understand your green paint analogy, it is not relevant here. You do not share your body. Your health and your body and your money are your own.

Are you not allowed to have conversations about his behaviour that he is not privy to, OP? Because that is also control.

My abusive ex was very clear that if I ever spoke to my friends and family about him, he would consider that utterly disloyal. All abusers do this. It is their way of maintaining control over you, by making out that they are entitled to know everything you think and everything you discuss.

My boyfriend and I have disagreements from time to time and he would have no issue if I sense-check things with others. He also would have no issue if I did something he doesn’t like to do himself.

Counselling together seriously?

Anxiouswaffle
But this is exactly what he does, he lets me know his opinion, a lot. I feel this is what he feels he is doing, exactly what you are. We all do it to some extent.

I have lots of opinions different to his (politics/social stuff), lots of stuff we agree on but we debate often, it's a part of our relationship I like, but I do admit he struggles with it sometimes. I am not a war flower, but I did lie about this because I couldn't be arsed to deal with the sulking, and argument it would cause (which is tiny now in comparison) which would then inventibly end in me not doing something I wanted to do.

But he's not your dad. He's not your boss.

It's your body and your decision.

Is he like a "feeder" or fetishist? Does he like you overweight?

Being overweight and binge-eating have health implications too. So why is one OK but not a medication you choose on your own for your own body?

Couples therapy is never recommended in situations where there is or may be abuse as the abuser often berates their partner outside the session for what is said and weaponises it against them.

You lied, yes because you couldn’t tell the truth, because he would have punished you - because his opinion is different to yours.

You have every right to take weight loss drugs if you want to, obese or not, it’s irrelevant. Why? Because it’s your body, you can do whatever you like. You are adult, not a child. You can decide what is best for you.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary , I know people who do this, I've thought about it...But (and I know this is lol ridiculous) I didn't want lie. My weakness is my body though and I obviously thought it was worth the risk.* *

You’ve been together so long and from such a fragile age, he doesn’t recognise abusive behaviour and nor do you because you’ve fallen into a comfortable role where he dictates in a way you think is reasonable simply because you’re in a relationship with him.

if you felt you had to lie to your best friend you’d be considering whether it was a true friendship.

people can disagree. He can tell you he doesn’t like the idea of something, but it’s emotional manipulation if you actually feel you can’t or must lie or hide to do something you actually want to do just because he doesn’t like it. I don’t think either of you have matured into fully grown adults in this respect, a danger of relationships that start so young admittedly.

So what would have happened if you had said I am taking weight loss drugs tomorrow, I know you won’t agree and I accept your view but I feel diffeeemtky and I have made my decision?

And then you took the weight loss drugs as you said you would.
What would have happened?

I get this- but let’s be realistic, she’s unlikely to leave a sixteen year relationship tomorrow and she seems to think the rest of their relationship is solid. We can’t possibly tell this from a this post alone.

if nothing else I think therapy for you OP alone would be hugely beneficial.

@OHara1991

I take anti depressants and don’t tell my DP. I’ve also bought a weight loss drug online - same way as you’ve done.
Similarly, I think my DP wouldn’t be ‘happy’ if he knew - but I don’t see the need to tell him. It’s my body and I’m not doing anything unlawful.
My DP had codeine for pain relief which I questioned, he bought a hugely expensive toothbrush after visiting a dentist, which I questioned - but I’d never stop him.
The reason you feel you’ve needed to ‘lie’ or hide the truth is because he is being so hugely controlling. I wouldn’t let him ‘win’ this. He needs to address how controlling he is which has lead you to ‘lie’ or hide it from him.
BTW I think people ‘lie’ or hide the truth all the time. Whether it’s a ‘that’s ok’ (when it isn’t) or claiming not to be controlling when they absolutely are. I’m sure you can find plenty of examples of your DH hiding the truth.

A partner has a right to say they disagree with your decision. They don't have the right to give a 'flat no', because you don't need their permission.