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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve fucked everything up

328 replies

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 02:23

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

OP posts:
EverybodyLovesString · 10/01/2025 04:07

You have complete freedom to do what you want as long as he approves of it. Which is no freedom at all.

It's your body, you're allowed to make decisions for your health without his input. It's ridiculous he's now paranoid about you cheating in the past.

You lied because you knew he would be horrible about it. Don't apologise to him but do think about whether you want to stay in this very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

CosyFoxDen · 10/01/2025 04:12

Errr time to turn this around. If he had not been a controlling prick to begin with, you would not have felt the need to hide this from him. This is 100% on him. Time to stand up for yourself and not be a doormat any longer.

MollyButton · 10/01/2025 04:16

You lying probably is the end of this relationship.
But not because you lied to him
But because he made you feel you had to lie
When a relationship has got to that point the one who is being lied to is probably too controlling - exception affairs/addictions etc

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:19

EverybodyLovesString · 10/01/2025 04:07

You have complete freedom to do what you want as long as he approves of it. Which is no freedom at all.

It's your body, you're allowed to make decisions for your health without his input. It's ridiculous he's now paranoid about you cheating in the past.

You lied because you knew he would be horrible about it. Don't apologise to him but do think about whether you want to stay in this very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

@EverybodyLovesString Nail on the head really, about the freedom thing but surely this is the case for most relationships?

like if a partner hated the colour green and came back to find you’d painted the whole house green, that would be wrong of the person who painted the house green…knowing they didn’t like it, right? Surely there are things or boundaries in all relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:21

sorry, I’m starting to question everything and have been awake since midnight but I do appreciate everyone’s comments.

OP posts:
CosyFoxDen · 10/01/2025 04:22

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:19

@EverybodyLovesString Nail on the head really, about the freedom thing but surely this is the case for most relationships?

like if a partner hated the colour green and came back to find you’d painted the whole house green, that would be wrong of the person who painted the house green…knowing they didn’t like it, right? Surely there are things or boundaries in all relationships.

Show quote history

Your house is a shared space and belonging. Can’t you see how your analogy just shows how warped your mindset has become?

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:26

Okay well what if it was like a face tattoo or something, or wearing a perfume/aftershave that you love and means a lot to you but that the other person finds triggering?

OP posts:
PrincessFairyWren · 10/01/2025 04:30

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:26

Okay well what if it was like a face tattoo or something, or wearing a perfume/aftershave that you love and means a lot to you but that the other person finds triggering?

Well surely in those circumstances an open conversation would occur expressing your reasoning with each other. Your partner coming down like a ton of bricks, threatening to leave and accusing you of infidelity is not a normal reaction to what you have described.

I am concerned for your safety.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:33

Yeah but that’s the point we never got the chance to have that conversation, I just lied. I am physically very safe.

OP posts:
CosyFoxDen · 10/01/2025 04:36

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:26

Okay well what if it was like a face tattoo or something, or wearing a perfume/aftershave that you love and means a lot to you but that the other person finds triggering?

Again this isn’t the same at all. Yes there is such a thing as compromise. We can’t control what scents would be triggering, and scent is a very powerful thing. Wearing a strong scent that bothers someone is selfish and disrespectful to them. And no one needs to wear a scent at someone else’s expense to the point they are suffering because of it. A face tattoo is an extreme statement. Did he marry someone who would wear a face tattoo? Not likely. So suddenly getting one is cause for alarm. You’re talking about getting your health and emotional wellbeing in order, and he’s saying it’s a flat no (or would if you had felt free to even discuss it with him). Can’t you see how his being controlling of you is completely different to your examples?

HelenTudorFisk · 10/01/2025 04:48

It’s so very telling that the link he then makes is to accuse you of cheating on him years ago. There is no link whatsoever, but I agree with the previous poster that he’s saying no to weight loss drugs, Botox, fillers - things that he perceives will make you more attractive to other men.
Hes a controlling tool.

Kocduw · 10/01/2025 04:49

My initial reaction is not that you lied, but why you had to hide something that is going to be good for your health, both physically, and mentally.

Him thinking he has veto over this is, and trumps your own right to choose without pressure is really worrying?

Candy24 · 10/01/2025 04:51

How much did you lose?

isthismylifenow · 10/01/2025 04:55

It was a pretty big lie I agree. And to his face so that does make it worse.

BUT

You have to look deeper at why you feel you had to lie about it.

Lying is not great. But neither is being controlled about making a decision for yourself.

Fetburzswefg · 10/01/2025 04:57

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 04:19

@EverybodyLovesString Nail on the head really, about the freedom thing but surely this is the case for most relationships?

like if a partner hated the colour green and came back to find you’d painted the whole house green, that would be wrong of the person who painted the house green…knowing they didn’t like it, right? Surely there are things or boundaries in all relationships.

Show quote history

But this isn’t the same at all, because your house isn’t your body.

You have complete autonomy over your own body. He isn’t allowed to have boundaries which control what you do with your body. He can dislike choices you make but he can’t use his dislike to guilt you into complying with his preferences for your body.

Newmumhere40 · 10/01/2025 04:58

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 03:00

It’s the lying he’s so upset with. Which to be fair I think is valid. Not only did I hide it all and sneak around to begin with but I then outright lied to his face. I don’t think he’ll ever be able trust me again.

It’s also thrown up things from the past, like he came out tonight and asked I cheated on him when we’re teenagers when I went back packing on my own…wtf?! (I have never), but now say he doesn’t believe me and I guess I don’t really have a leg to stand on.

Hang on, what? Cheating as a teenager....this guy is a psycho.

Newmumhere40 · 10/01/2025 05:01

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 03:29

I wouldn’t have been able to do it, it just would
not have happened. if I’d of come out and said “I’m not asking you I’m telling you”and just went and did it I would have had a very unhappy husband who would be upset, accusing me of being selfish and honestly I think I’d probably be in a similar position to where I am now (him contemplating leaving me). True though I would have more of “AIBU leg to stand on.”

Is he actually contemplating leaving because of this???

Ignignokte · 10/01/2025 05:02

Hot damn what a thread. Just to stick my own twopence in - obviously there's usually a discussion to be had when either of you is considering a major decision, and this was a major decision. What you did was indeed a breach of trust, and you rightly feel crap about it. Which brings me to the second point.

In the conversation that wasn't had, I guess it could've gone two ways. Either a reasonable discussion e.g. pros and cons, maybe an offer of dieting together and if sticking to it doesn't work then go for the medication (through a GP not the internet) etc etc. Or a flat no kinda like "I won't allow you to do this" which is a different kettle of fish altogether, and seems to be what most posters are assuming would happen. You know your chap better than any anonymous poster on here does. Have a think what the most likely outcome of that conversation would've been and try adjust your thoughts accordingly.

All the best!

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:03

I guess I just don’t feel like its control (which I’m aware sounds pathetic). It’s more like he will say no and just hugely disapprove of stuff or say something like “no I don’t want you to do it, I think it’s a stupid lazy thing to do” or in the case of Botox as an example “it would fuck up your face” and then he would sulk and be cross with me for even suggesting it/be all arsey with me for ages and ages after bringing up something. Last week the topic came up in conversation naturally with someone, he was there and got really pissy because I said to the person that I didn't see a problem what someone chooses to do to their body/face as long as they were happy, which made him cross with me!

I think someone mentioned up thread about saying “this is what I’m doing, end of” and Ive remembered I actually tested this out a couple
months back. I sort of jokingly said “I know you don’t like it, but I do see myself getting a bit of Botox as some point” and he stormed off, and has since then bought it back up again, and again, and then I just start to think it’s not worth the hassle and if I were to do it he’d just be really mean about so I don’t.

OP posts:
Janie143 · 10/01/2025 05:06

This man is very good at coercive control. It is very difficult to recognise it when you are in it. I know beacae it took me years.

HolyPeaches · 10/01/2025 05:06

I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

Kindly OP, this is an extreme reaction. This isn’t a normal or healthy way to think.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

You haven’t been stupid at all. Assuming you ordered the prescription from a reputable pharmacy and you qualify and meet the guidelines for the prescription.

I am 100% taking all accountability in this. Im
just worried he won’t be able to forgive me.

If he won’t forgive you then you need to separate. Life is too short to live a miserable life with a controlling weirdo.

BambiBambi44 · 10/01/2025 05:10

OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:03

I guess I just don’t feel like its control (which I’m aware sounds pathetic). It’s more like he will say no and just hugely disapprove of stuff or say something like “no I don’t want you to do it, I think it’s a stupid lazy thing to do” or in the case of Botox as an example “it would fuck up your face” and then he would sulk and be cross with me for even suggesting it/be all arsey with me for ages and ages after bringing up something. Last week the topic came up in conversation naturally with someone, he was there and got really pissy because I said to the person that I didn't see a problem what someone chooses to do to their body/face as long as they were happy, which made him cross with me!

I think someone mentioned up thread about saying “this is what I’m doing, end of” and Ive remembered I actually tested this out a couple
months back. I sort of jokingly said “I know you don’t like it, but I do see myself getting a bit of Botox as some point” and he stormed off, and has since then bought it back up again, and again, and then I just start to think it’s not worth the hassle and if I were to do it he’d just be really mean about so I don’t.

Edited

If this is not control, what is it?
In the kindest possible way OP, you need to take on board some of these posts - this IS control. This is what coercive control looks like.

Original poster
OHara1991 · 10/01/2025 05:11

Ignignokte
thank you, this is reasonable and I think he thinks that this is what the conversation would
have gone like, but I believe (based off conversations similar) it would have been a no by proxy if that makes any sense at all. What I shouldn’t have done is to have done it anyway.

OP posts:
mumedu · 10/01/2025 05:12

Your body, your choice. Why do you need his permission?

CheekyHobson · 10/01/2025 05:12

OP, can I please ask you in all seriousness to start some therapy to discuss your relationship - not couple’s therapy but individual therapy. (Would your husband also be so aggressively opposed to that that you would feel the need to hide it from him, I wonder?)

Anyone who has been in and come out of an abusive relationship can see straight away that you are in a highly controlling relationship. At the very least read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It is available for free online if you look it up. I suspect it will help you identify a number of your husband’s controlling behaviours that you have been railroaded into thinking are normal.

Can I ask, what made you think he would have a strong angry refusal reaction to you saying you wanted to take Ozempic? Is it because that is how he has responded to some situations in the past?

ETA Okay I see from you recent posts that he certainly does have form for bullying, sulking and other forms of emotional manipulation.