Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

[Niddster]

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

That’s a good idea!

It’s perfectly clear to me.

Someone thought my post title was demanding women behave in a certain way, for fuck sakes. Idiocy.

"Be kind, mums" is literally a command on how to behave, targeted to a group entirely compromised of women.

What a strange question to ask!
Because there are often good items to be bought in a charity shop.
@Niddster Just ask her out for a coffee or a walk- if you can face a knock back. If you genuinely think she is interested- but she might just be a chatty person.

He’s asking for a kind approach to his post, from ‘mums’ as it is Mumsnet and mostly mums who use the site. I don’t think there is anything wrong in this, especially given how horrible people can be when replying

Just ask her out. The worst she can say is, no thanks. She'll be very flattered you asked her out, it's not a bad thing. Be brave and ask her to come out for a coffee.

I hope you have asked her out already, I had a weird chemistry with someone I used to see very regularly over a whole 2 years! And by the time I plucked up the courage to give him my number (had it written down ready) he vanished into thin air! 😂

I think this is a great idea.

I totally disagree with this response. And with every one who thinks this is a sweet guy.
i don’t think she’ll be flattered.
i was an attractive woman when i was young. Was pestered constantly and it was never flattering. Men should know that we are allowed to be friendly without it meaning they can pounce

It’s a request though really isn’t it. Born out of fear of attack. So a please would help and taking out the assumption that it’s all women on here isn’t helpful. But I think it’s clear what the meaning was.

The simple answer is, as you’re leaving ask her if she fancied having a coffee some time, if she says no find another charity shop.

So in that case what should men do if they are interested? Once there is some kind of friendship/acquaintanceship or interaction that means it’s a possibility then asking is the way forward.

A polite request ‘Would you like to go out with me on a date sometime? Is fine. We can then say ‘yes, I’d love to.’ Or ‘no thank you’ or ‘I’m not currently dating’ or if we are feeling kind, ‘I’m flattered and you are a nice guy but not right for me’ etc. it just needs plain communication.

The problem arises if it becomes pestering. Or when it’s done in a leery or manipulative way. Or if the ‘no’ isn’t accepted or the rejection gets turned into anger.

I have a son and this is what I will be teaching him. You show people respect. You treat everyone with respect. If you fancy someone you treat them with just as much respect as any one else and the only way to know if someone is interested in a date/a kiss/sex etc is to ask. If they say no then that’s their decision. If someone is nasty in response to your request you hold a boundary and point it out calmly and then walk away and count yourself as having had a lucky escape.

I’ve not read the replies on here but I am sure that they are all kind and non/-judgemental 😁

You obviously get on very well.

Some people are good at customer service but it seems that she is seeking you out/making conversations, which she’s unlikely to do if she thinks you’re a creep.

She could just like you as a friend though.

I get on with a lot of guys in my job and we have so much in common.
I look forward to seeing them and I’ll definitely seek them out to speak to them and can talk to them for hours.
But I don’t fancy them and I don’t see them as any different than if it was a female.

I would definitely look for a small, local event like a music thing on a certain date and bring up the conversation about it. Then breezily asks if she wants to come along with you.
I would tell her to have a think about it and to let you know in case she’s got plans that day.

She may feel put on the spot and just say yes to be polite but if you say to let you know, then it gives her time to think of an excuse if she’s not interested/in a relationship.

Then you don’t have to feel embarrassed or awkward about going back in there if she turns you down.

I look forward to an update on how you get on 🤞

Not RTFT because it started looking a bit unpleasant in the middle.

OP, I assume you’d have noticed if she was wearing a wedding ring.

If not, ask her out for a coffee. If she has a boyfriend, she will tell you. You do not have to establish if a woman is single (as in, no boyfriend) before you ask her out. You don’t even have to establish if she likes you.

The only thing, as I’m sure you know, is to have a plan for reacting graciously if she does turn you down.

This is a bit extreme! 😱

Many threads start with ‘be kind’, they’re not commanding people to behave in a certain way.

And yes MN is predominantly women, which is why OP has asked for our opinions and advice as we’re in a better position to give it.

If I went on a site of predominantly men I would say similar because it’s the men’s opinions that I’m after, not the women.

Asking a man to be gentle in his reply is not a command on how to behave.

asking her out for a coffee is hardly pouncing. Isn’t this how people got together before the internet and dating apps??

Just out of interest, if you've ever been in a relationship @Hysterectomynext how did you meet current/previous partners?

Then you are superior to me.

AA meeting. Big mistake 😂

I doubt the op will have asked her out. It sounds like one of those situations where he would probably prefer to live in his head with the possibility that she might be interested than risk losing that. (I say that in a sympathetic and judgemental way btw).

Oh dear. That explains a lot.

Does it though? What does it explain to you. Honest question

I went to an AA meeting as a 23 year old and had men in their 40s and 50s there hitting on me. They were like vultures.

If he was asking, it would be phrased as a question.

It's not phrased as a request, no.