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Original poster

Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

294 replies

Niddster · 09/01/2025 16:08

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 22:20

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I'm taking it as a mark in my favour that I don't know what an HB7 is, nor want to know.

OP posts:
MysteryPUA · 10/01/2025 22:25

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Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 22:26

Amarree · 10/01/2025 22:06

She’s around 37?
I went back to college when I was 33. I got asked out by a few guys who just assumed I was single, but I had been with my partner for 15 years and was actually pregnant just not showing when a couple of them asked me.
It sounds like she’s just being friendly tbh. I think she’d have given you more of a clue if she wanted you to ask her out.
There’s no harm in asking but bear in mind, she could be well beyond the point of “might have a boyfriend”.
In this situation, I think you’re better off to just be direct or else let it go.

People are odd, definitely myself included. I've wondered myself why she wouldn't be more unequivocal if interested, but I've met one woman in my life who outright asked me out. The others, despite whatever interest was in them from the start, all waited without giving clues. She could be being as careful as me; or genuinely uninterested.

Anyway I will ask her out. At some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niddster · 10/01/2025 22:27

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yeah can we direct creep accusations at the pickup artist with an actual rating system for women, please

OP posts:
MysteryPUA · 10/01/2025 22:28

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WeightLoss2025 · 10/01/2025 22:37

I genuinely don't understand why you're getting a hard time on here OP. I think you sound lovely, considerate, the signals from this woman sound good to me. Ask her out! Sure, it'll be mortifying if she says no but practice a response in advance that is gracious in the event of a 'no' and doesn't leave things awkward between you two.

When are you next popping into the shop?

crockofshite · 10/01/2025 22:50

As she's discussed a particular piece of art with you, maybe suggest she might be interested in seeing an exhibition that you've got plans to go to, ......does she fancy joining you on an outing of mutual interest? So not a date invite, more of a joint outing.

ForOliveDog · 10/01/2025 22:52

Ask her out, You’ll only forever regret it and wonder if you don’t!

Arlanymor · 10/01/2025 22:56

This reply has been deleted

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I spent a wet two days in Rhyl in November and it was fairly lovely actually!

But yes! I agree with the not pussy-footing thing.

Dude you've had loads of advice, get on with it. I expressed my feelings to someone a month back - shared it on here actually - and it didn't work out in my favour (wasn't bad - he's not in a dating place and was acutely honest about it) but I live to fight another day. Faint heart and all that...

Tillybud81 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I also can't understand the hate either OP, even your point on her relationship status makes sense. I mean it really isn't relevant to asking a girl out, you're only asking a question. It's entirely on her to then go no sorry I've got a bf/gf/husband/wife, and as you say she may be thinking of/in the process of ending that relationship anyway.

I don't understand how people on here think it's less creepy for you to ask a load of personal questions to try ascertain her relationship status than to simply just ask her out and get a no sorry I'm in a relationship

Your reaction after getting that info is of course very relevant in the creepy stakes, but you seem to be well aware of that.

Go on! Ask her for a coffee, and good luck

SassK · 10/01/2025 23:15

The only thing that gives me pause is that she refused a coffee... From everything else you've said, I think it's worth asking her out. She sounds lovely, so the worst that can happen is you get a polite no. Let us know what she says.

MarkingBad · 11/01/2025 00:44

YKM2829 · 10/01/2025 22:10

I think you're projecting your own experiences, and not shaping your advice to the context of this particular situation. You don't sound very empathetic towards this man who has, in my impartial opinion not come across as predatory or creepy at all. And infact you are highlighting the very reason in which men like him feel anxious in regards to these situations, while having honest intentions, because many women do tarnish all men with the same brush unfortunately.
He is just simply asking, on a forum of women, if we think, in a general populus, wheather the behaviour of this woman seems like she may be interested. If anything, you may have not created a tense conversation between you two, if you might have added ways in which you think this man could better his behaviour? You've taken the time to read the post and comment and reply, only to offer a short bold statement of you seem creepy.
Please I'd like to know your opinion, in meeting someone romantically in real life and not through apps or social media, other than at a pub or club situation, how else would you expect to even potentially be presented with a potential romantic partner without some risk, by offering polite subtle advances, which may or may not be reciprocated.
What would actually be creepy would be his reaction after the woman rejected him, if of an extreme negative persuasion.

Show quote history

You are right I am not an empath. Not everyone can or should be, it's a personality trait that has uses and has it's own problems too. We are all of us different.

That men shy away from asking the questions is not the responsibility or fault of women, and as my LT memory is still good, men often needed a bit of additional courage to ask women out even when I was young. The look fo relief on the face of a man who you know likes you when you ask them out is worth the asking. That people don't like rejection is nothing new, this has been an issue since time immemorial and way before then too.

Please I'd like to know your opinion, in meeting someone romantically in real life and not through apps or social media, other than at a pub or club situation, how else would you expect to even potentially be presented with a potential romantic partner without some risk, by offering polite subtle advances, which may or may not be reciprocated.

I'm dyslexic and I'm completely lost on this question. Are you asking how do I meet people?

If so I don't use the apps or SM to meet people reading and writing takes a lot out of me so I go out my front door to meet people. Of the more unusual places I've met two in a hairdressers, one was a customer in a unisex hairdresser, one was my hairdresser. I've met three men at different times in a supermarket, one in a shopping mall I helped pick up the bags he dropped when he walked into a glass door, I may not be nice but I am not unkind. Another walked into a lampost (cliche but there you go) and then nearly walked into traffic suddenly decided to step back onto the pavement and ask me out there and then. I met one walking, he and I seemed to bump into each other on a day of the week so we got chatting. I met one LTR in a ferry terminal. And one helped me restart a motorcycle I'd borrowed while mine was being mended and he hitched a lift back as he had a long walk to go and he happened to live in the same village as me, we had a date later that week and while the date went nowhere I had someone new to say hello to when I walked to the GPs or to the shop and bumped into him. One also spotted me while he was working at a business about half a mile away and came round to start a chat and after a couple of weeks I asked him out for a drink.

Others have been more usual through hobbies, extended friendship groups. I don't do workplace romances I am always polite about it but it's always a no from me. Not all dates turn into relationships of course but that's part of the fun of meeting people.

I'm actually a quiet person offline, I tend to speak when I have something to say rather than to fill a void but I am not shy so if someone chats to me or I see something I want to mention I do. If they want to chat I will continue, if not I won't. It's never bothered me either way but then as we established earlier I'm not an empath.

If all this sounds a lot of dates it is, I worked away a lot as a young woman which meant I couldn't easily commit to LTRs unless I had longer term contracts. It was better to have someone to go out with and do something fn than sitting alone in a strange place all night and I've met some really lovely people over the years.

YKM2829 · 11/01/2025 00:46

MarkingBad · 11/01/2025 00:44

You are right I am not an empath. Not everyone can or should be, it's a personality trait that has uses and has it's own problems too. We are all of us different.

That men shy away from asking the questions is not the responsibility or fault of women, and as my LT memory is still good, men often needed a bit of additional courage to ask women out even when I was young. The look fo relief on the face of a man who you know likes you when you ask them out is worth the asking. That people don't like rejection is nothing new, this has been an issue since time immemorial and way before then too.

Please I'd like to know your opinion, in meeting someone romantically in real life and not through apps or social media, other than at a pub or club situation, how else would you expect to even potentially be presented with a potential romantic partner without some risk, by offering polite subtle advances, which may or may not be reciprocated.

I'm dyslexic and I'm completely lost on this question. Are you asking how do I meet people?

If so I don't use the apps or SM to meet people reading and writing takes a lot out of me so I go out my front door to meet people. Of the more unusual places I've met two in a hairdressers, one was a customer in a unisex hairdresser, one was my hairdresser. I've met three men at different times in a supermarket, one in a shopping mall I helped pick up the bags he dropped when he walked into a glass door, I may not be nice but I am not unkind. Another walked into a lampost (cliche but there you go) and then nearly walked into traffic suddenly decided to step back onto the pavement and ask me out there and then. I met one walking, he and I seemed to bump into each other on a day of the week so we got chatting. I met one LTR in a ferry terminal. And one helped me restart a motorcycle I'd borrowed while mine was being mended and he hitched a lift back as he had a long walk to go and he happened to live in the same village as me, we had a date later that week and while the date went nowhere I had someone new to say hello to when I walked to the GPs or to the shop and bumped into him. One also spotted me while he was working at a business about half a mile away and came round to start a chat and after a couple of weeks I asked him out for a drink.

Others have been more usual through hobbies, extended friendship groups. I don't do workplace romances I am always polite about it but it's always a no from me. Not all dates turn into relationships of course but that's part of the fun of meeting people.

I'm actually a quiet person offline, I tend to speak when I have something to say rather than to fill a void but I am not shy so if someone chats to me or I see something I want to mention I do. If they want to chat I will continue, if not I won't. It's never bothered me either way but then as we established earlier I'm not an empath.

If all this sounds a lot of dates it is, I worked away a lot as a young woman which meant I couldn't easily commit to LTRs unless I had longer term contracts. It was better to have someone to go out with and do something fn than sitting alone in a strange place all night and I've met some really lovely people over the years.

Show quote history

Actually it was sarcasm. As in. How else do you expect to meet someone in real life. If you like them back it's romantic. If you don't like them back it's creepy to you. But that doesn't mean the behaviour itself is inheritanly creepy . That's just how you are personally perceiving it.

MarkingBad · 11/01/2025 00:51

YKM2829 · 11/01/2025 00:46

Actually it was sarcasm. As in. How else do you expect to meet someone in real life. If you like them back it's romantic. If you don't like them back it's creepy to you. But that doesn't mean the behaviour itself is inheritanly creepy . That's just how you are personally perceiving it.

Show quote history

Well done, you fooled me into revealing something about myself.

We all have our own opinions, it would be a very short forum if we didn't.

YKM2829 · 11/01/2025 01:03

MarkingBad · 11/01/2025 00:51

Well done, you fooled me into revealing something about myself.

We all have our own opinions, it would be a very short forum if we didn't.

Show quote history

Yes but you decided to use yours to personally attack this man just asking for help. You don't know the man other than a 2 paragraph post on social media with a 1 perspective view on a situation. Often women forget that mens minds don't often process data the same way ours do (generally) due to a multitude of factors. And whilst most don't like to admit, as a species we actually are not that much evolved from ancestors or primates when it comes to the physiological processes of our bodies, specifically in this instance with the gender specific hormones and ways in which we are hard wired to identify seek out and procure a mate. So yeah I think your personal experiences has slightly clouded your initial judgement and you might want to take a step back and re evaluate with a different perspective and this would also promote personal growth ☺️

MarkingBad · 11/01/2025 01:10

YKM2829 · 11/01/2025 01:03

Yes but you decided to use yours to personally attack this man just asking for help. You don't know the man other than a 2 paragraph post on social media with a 1 perspective view on a situation. Often women forget that mens minds don't often process data the same way ours do (generally) due to a multitude of factors. And whilst most don't like to admit, as a species we actually are not that much evolved from ancestors or primates when it comes to the physiological processes of our bodies, specifically in this instance with the gender specific hormones and ways in which we are hard wired to identify seek out and procure a mate. So yeah I think your personal experiences has slightly clouded your initial judgement and you might want to take a step back and re evaluate with a different perspective and this would also promote personal growth ☺️

Show quote history

What personal experiences?

SquirrelsAreGo · 11/01/2025 01:14

I haven't read the last half a page, but I have a question. Why do we need to ascertain relationship status before asking? That's actually a more invasive question. It could be very complicated. It could be that she wouldn't want to clarify/ talk about it to a shop customer?

To me it also implies that if I'm single then I'm up for a date. I might not have a bf or partner, but also not want to date anyone. I might like the idea of a coffee, but want to go for a coffee before laying out my dating thoughts. I once had a friend who, on seeing me go on a date with a mutual friend, said "oh, I didn't know you were OK dating in our friend group, otherwise I would've asked you out"!!! Assuming that if I'm open to dating, then I'd date him?

Just ask her if she'd like to go for a coffee or a pint, and see what she says. I love the idea of immediately having a comeback if the answer is no (eg if you're not sure your Aussie accent is on par, maybe "oh God, I'm never going to be able to shop here again!" in a light hearted way). If the answer is no, just never go there again. Easy.

As someone who's worked in shops, I can tell you that if a man had spent that much time talking to me, and I didn't feel good about it, I would indeed hide in The Back, or similar.

The only way I can see you might've misread is if she thought you were a frequent shopper because you're isolated, and she's trying to be a good Samaritan. However, I can't imagine anyone actively finding work to do near you so that they can chat, if they weren't at least interested in your brain. So there's that. Or she may like you, but is unnerved by how much time and money you spend on charity shops. You're not a hoarder are you?

Boltonb · 11/01/2025 01:24

I thought you sounded a bit naive and possibly slightly ND. Perhaps you were just finding it difficult to navigate a potentially complex or confusing social situation.

BUT the fact that you don’t have the confidence to approach, speak normally and ask if she’d like to go for a coffee, yet are happy being snippy, sarcastic, dismissive and rude on an anonymous forum is making you look like a bit of a dick.

Granted, many posters here hate men with a strange ferocity, but it’s always due to their experiences of coming across the worst of them. However, even with that being said you are coming across as a slightly disturbing mix of arrogance and seemingly lacking confidence, and tentativeness in approaching women whilst also not giving a shit what their personal situations are.

Definitely more disconcerting as your posts continue.

CharSiu · 11/01/2025 01:41

I have been pestered by men even after they find out I’m married. I wear a wedding ring. When I was single and looking to date I always looked for a ring and if they had one well it was game over before it even started. Granted marriage rates are down.

I think less of anyone who pursues anyone they know is in a relationship.

MistyEyeOfTheMountainBelow · 11/01/2025 07:36

I prefer just being asked out because saying sorry i have a partner, sorry im not single is the least awkward way of declining someone which I would use whether I was genuinely taken or single when I don't fancy the other person so if you had already asked me it makes me scurry for a reason if I didn't like you that way to date. It also feels calculating, when men asked me directly or indirectly about my status it makes me wonder if they are interested or im reading too much into things. i prefer to be directly asked.
I would lose respect for a guy who then says its ok or i dont mind after telling him im in a relationship. There are definitely guys and girls who don't care or mind that you're taken. Some even love the challenge and find it a naughty turn on..usually some inferiority complex wanting to be picked.

Didimum · 11/01/2025 08:42

Ask her for a coffee, OP. Be brave and get to it.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re just getting a hard time in here because you’re a man – that’s it. The snippy Mumsnetters don’t like it if a woman has any gusto in defending themselves against unfair posts, let alone if you’re a man.

Take them with a pinch of salt and engage with the more down to earth comments.

ElvenPowers · 11/01/2025 10:22

He's not been snippy etc! He's been quite funny and called out when people have done a fuckton of projection of their own, onto his completely normal behaviour.

On reflection I agree with the pp who said actually, finding out if she Already Belongs To a Man is more patronising than asking her straight and politely. So I now reckon you just ask her, being nice breezy and uncreepy if the answer is no.

Timetoheal4good · 11/01/2025 10:33

ElvenPowers · 11/01/2025 10:22

He's not been snippy etc! He's been quite funny and called out when people have done a fuckton of projection of their own, onto his completely normal behaviour.

On reflection I agree with the pp who said actually, finding out if she Already Belongs To a Man is more patronising than asking her straight and politely. So I now reckon you just ask her, being nice breezy and uncreepy if the answer is no.

Thankful to hear there are at least still some rational people out there.

Dotty87 · 11/01/2025 16:34

I think you've built this up quite a bit in your head over the months, you should ask her for a casual coffee and if she says no accept it with grace and remain friendly.

It does seem that she's showing an interest in you, however this may not be because she feel's anything romantic towards you.

Women do have male friends, maybe she likes chatting with you because you have common interests.

Your posts seem to indicate that you feel she's either being friendly to sell to you, or that she's interested romantically. It could very easily be neither, but you won't know unless you ask.

shuggles · 12/01/2025 01:33

@Niddster Some people just like talking to other people, OP. It's far more probable that she simply enjoys the conversation, which is why she is so talkative.

You said you have had contact with her for 2 years. If she was romantically interested in you, she would have made a move at this point.

You are old enough to know better, and to know that a friendly woman is just being friendly.