Unsure if woman working in shop is interested in me. (Be kind, mums)

[Niddster]

A tale as old as time, but interested in anyone's perspective.

It’s a marginally atypical situation in which I’ve (m37) done my best to not be creepy or overstep boundaries. There’s a charity shop in my town I go into most weekends, and the manager is a woman about my age. She was always friendly for the at least two years I’ve been visiting, but we didn’t talk much beyond a brief chat about something I might buy. I suppose I wasn’t really noticing her.

Then a few months ago a guitar got donated and it led to us talking about music, so I started to make more conversation with her subsequently, very aware that she works there and is to some extent obliged to make pleasant conversation in return, and not wanting to be the guy that bothers her at work.

Subsequently I’ve started going in twice most weeks, and I noticed that she was beginning - apparently - to seek me out. I would say hi if she was behind the counter, and then a minute later she’d come and work close to me and talk. This has happened enough that I started to think “hell, this is what I would do if I was interested”. I came in wearing a new coat, she complimented me on it; I bought some art, she said she’d thought of me when she was putting it on the shelf; she asked me my opinion on the provenance of an antique print, going so far as to fetch the massive thing from the back and write down the details for me to research. On a busy day recently I decided to press a little and ask if she wanted me to fetch her a coffee from the local place. She said no, but then hung around with me by the door for a few minutes chatting, and as I would turn to go she'd say something else to keep conversation going. This has continued for some time now. We have in-jokes and recurring references and everything. Anyway, now I like her quite a bit.

She’s either just a great liar in the name of customer service, naturally friendly or has some interest. I suppose there’s no harm in outright asking her out, but for the potential awkwardness of course, and being British I would implode.

There's a simple explanation for this apparently paradoxical behaviour - it is much, MUCH easier to be confident (I would not call it arrogance) to anonymous online strangers, from a place of anonymity, in an environment of essentially zero stakes and consequence... than it is to execute the simple-but-not-easy task of asking someone out you like and risk fucking it all up. And is it surprising I respond poorly to people who genuinely seem to think I'm a creep who demands women behave as I please, or all the other strange accusations?

And, frankly, experienced enough to know that a friendly woman in a shop is sometimes NOT just being friendly, as two prior longish relationships suggest.

Speaking from that experience, women very seldom make a move. I can't extrapolate from beyond my own life and call it a general rule. I only know that her not making a move doesn't prove very much by my own standards. You may as well argue that, because I've had contact with her for two years (really only a few months) and haven't done anything, I'M not romantically interested. If I can be stymied by nerves and pressure, so can she.

When are you asking her out @Niddster? We're all waiting...

Maybe you could write her a poem?

Just say do you fancy grabbing a coffee or lunch sometime? If she says yes swap numbers. Then make arrangements over text or call. See how the coffee or lunch goes is chemistry there. Get to know more about her. You're gonna have to put your balls on the line and risk rejection.

C'mon do it already - you posted four days ago - just ask!

If she likes you she won't care exactly how you ask her out, she'll just be excited you did. Ask her if she's free for a drink after work

If she doesn't like you it also won't matter what you say.

@Niddster are you going to ask her?

Any update @Niddster?

Asked her out then yet, or what?

C'mon @Niddster tell us how it's going? Did you ask her out yet?

Well now, my friend who works in a charity shop has been asked if she would like to go for a coffee by a regular customer. She is going tomorrow.

Could it be you @Niddster Her name starts with J. If it isn’t, it could still be you! Ask!

Was thinking of showing her this thread, but didn’t want to spoil anything if there is a spark at the cafe tomorrow. 😁

Whatever you do, if she tells you she’s single but doesn’t want to date/ is happy as she is, PLEASE believe her.

Women don’t have to belong to someone in order to prefer to be left alone.

just coming from someone who tends toward friendliness in a customer service role- I like people, and that doesn’t mean I’m extending an invitation. I can’t stand it when men think if I’m not “taken,” I’m “free game.” I am not a creature to be hunted unless protected by some man.

so please be respectful of her choice,
even if it means you need to accept that friendliness isn’t a signal. Thanks

Ooooh, wouldn't that be funny!

I do find the fact you'd debate whether approaching her or not based on the opinions of strangers on the Internet odd.

Kindly, if you can't navigate that without being on a forum site, then maybe it might be worth a different approach.

Wow. Have you never solicited the opinions of others to help make up your own mind on something? Doesn't mean you're going to follow their advice, but it can be a good sounding board. I recently asked a group of people for opinions on houses I was thinking of buying, in the end I didn't take their advice, but I thanked them for helping me clarify my thinking on the issue.

Thays very different.

It's asking for opinions on a situation to help think it through. Seems pretty similar to me, obviously.

They can see.the house and know you.

We don't know this woman or him
Very different.

"Chomps Elisey" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Have you asked what she did on the weekend - when I worked in retail that was a good chance to say 'did such and such with my boyfriend' if I wanted to make that clear.

Ignore the vipers determined to gleefully out you as a predatory creep, and the weirdos with their game-playing bullshit suggestions like not going in the shop for a week to make her keen...

Tell her you enjoy chatting with her, ask her for a coffee when she's free and if she declines, take it gracefully and don't attempt to push the issue.

Thats it, thats all you need do.

It's infuriating not to know how this panned out. Did you ask her out or not?

Your post makes so much sense!!

Your gut feeling is telling you she's interested and I agree it sounds like she is.

Ask her out!

Please just ask her out. If she says no, you don’t have to go back into the shop if you’re embarrassed. If you’re not embarrassed though, there’s nothing stopping you from continuing to shop there - you could still be friendly and chatty even, as long as you don’t start ‘pursuing’ her. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing now or what you might do, but that is when it would become ‘icky’ as you’ve said you don’t want to be. Whether she says yes or no to a coffee, I bet she’ll be flattered either way. Good luck 😁