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Original poster

Boyfriend following "Anti feminist" women on Instagram and twitter

158 replies

Applepop · 06/01/2025 18:31

Would that worry you? We've been together 3 and a half years.
He has only just started following/ sending me stuff from these people.

We are supposed to move in together soon and I'm a little concerned about it, it's not Andrew Tate level ( he says he hates him)
I'm not sure if I can put the accounts on here ?

He's never he has never expressed anything misogynistic to me before

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 07/01/2025 08:36

@Applepop when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He is sharing this with you because he wants you to live like these dumbass trad wives.

You've to do 100% of everything while holding down a job and he is testing boundaries to push you that way.

Pathetic. Dump him now before you end up wasting years down the line with kids and wonder when you lost yourself. It's now. This is how you lose yourself and end up in a pit.

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:36

Dolphinnoises · 07/01/2025 08:08

Ok - talk me through what a simp is, in a way which sounds like you’re not actually an incel

Show quote history

Anyone who’s dated recently will recognise the characteristics of a “simp”…it’s basically a man who fawns over you and is a people-pleaser, someone who doesn’t stand up for themselves and won’t take the lead.

gannett · 07/01/2025 08:37

OneLemonGuide · 06/01/2025 20:46

Although it might surprise those in the progressive echo-chambers, only about a third of people identify as feminist. It’s seen by many as a toxic term and a facet of “wokeness”. It doesn’t mean he’s
misogynistic… In fact, it’s the knee-jerk presumption of many that anyone who doesn’t identify as feminist must therefore be a misogynist that turns people away from feminism…

So if the idea that he’s not a full-on feminist offends you, and that he dares to engage in content that challenges a feminist agenda, then you’d be doing both of you a favour by dumping him. However, don’t then complain that you’re then only able to attract soy-boys and simps… as the men displaying the masculine traits that we tend to love, tend not to be feminists!

"We" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that last sentence. Don't presume to speak for all women.

Personally I find it incredibly attractive when a man goes out of his way to stand up for justice and equality, especially if it's for a group he's not actually part of. It shows empathy and a good moral core.

Men who self-define as "anti-feminist" are just ignorant idiots. Anti which feminism? First, second, third wave? Intersectional, radical, exclusionary?

Men who are heavily invested in traditional masculine qualities are bores and turn-offs. Maybe if they have decent bodies they're good for sex but absolutely nothing more - not husband material.

gannett · 07/01/2025 08:39

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 07/01/2025 00:38

The term soyboy is used to imply that a man who consumes soya products will be effeminate due to the phytoestrogens in soya.

Simp is sometimes said to be an acronym for ‘sucker idolising mediocre pussy’ or shamelessly idolising mediocre pussy, ie fawning over a woman who’s not interested in him and isn’t even that hot.

Show quote history

You learn something new every day! (Re: simp which I always assumed derived from "simpering")

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:41

Jazzjazzjazz · 07/01/2025 07:39

I would imagine that most men with common sense and dignity hate feminism as much as any woman should hate chauvinism. Marrying a full on feminist would be as draining as marrying a chauvinist. Constant commentary on gender and sensitivity to everything, making their partner feel on the back foot. When gender becomes a front and centre issue, then there is a problem. If you want a man who identifies as a feminist, go to a woke rally or something, or join a forum, you’ll find someone more suited to your particular agenda.

Edited

Completely agree!

Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 08:43

OP, the fact that you've been with your boyfriend for years and have come here rather than speaking with him directly about these posts and getting to the bottom of this, tells me that you're not ready to move in with him. Your relationship should be able to handle tough conversations at this point.

You should ask him:

  • Why do you watch those video's?
  • What's the core message you're getting out of them?
  • Why do you feel like sending them to me? What's the motive?
  • What do you expect me to learn from them? How do you expect me to respond?
  • Are you trying to communicate something to be about your wishes for our relationship? If so, why do you choose video's to do that, rather than speaking to me?
  • How do you think these video's make me feel?
  • Have you tried watching these video's from my perspective and seeing what I see, as a woman, when hearing what they have to see?
  • ...

The way he responds to these questions, should help you determine whether you want to continue down the path of this relationship, or whether you should probably walk away. And I don't mean that only by content, but also the way he enters this conversation. Does he get defensive? Does he deflect? Does he avoid the sensitive issues? Does he get angry? Does he shut down? Is he intentionally vague? Can he even articulate his own feelings on this topic, or explain his motives?
Couples sometimes have to have very difficult conversations about things they have very different opinions on, but that never justifies using toxic communication strategies.

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:46

Dolphinnoises · 07/01/2025 07:35

@OneLemonGuide you’re a bloke. No woman ever uses the term “simps”. Women like a man who likes women as people.

Get yourself back on YouTube where your people are. And by “your people” I don’t mean men, who are quite welcome here - I mean misogynists, who aren’t.

What? Women use the term all the time to describe a certain type of man… Incels often are simps, that’s why they’re incels!

GrammarTeacher · 07/01/2025 08:57

Jazzjazzjazz · 07/01/2025 07:39

I would imagine that most men with common sense and dignity hate feminism as much as any woman should hate chauvinism. Marrying a full on feminist would be as draining as marrying a chauvinist. Constant commentary on gender and sensitivity to everything, making their partner feel on the back foot. When gender becomes a front and centre issue, then there is a problem. If you want a man who identifies as a feminist, go to a woke rally or something, or join a forum, you’ll find someone more suited to your particular agenda.

Edited

That isn’t what feminism is

GrammarTeacher · 07/01/2025 08:58

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:32

In which case, feminism’s work is done, at least in the UK (though it definitely isn’t in many places in the world!).

However, those who promote feminism today in the West often don’t seem to be advocating for “equality” anymore, at least in terms of equality of opportunity and rights (which is something most people, including myself, overwhelmingly support).

Rather they are advocating “equivalence”, where the aim is for men and women to be essentially indistinguishable in all aspects of life except perhaps in how they identify, but where feminine traits are promoted and masculine traits are frowned upon… with the result that men are only accepted if they adopt feminised characteristics, but shunned if they adopt masculine ones (hence my use of the terms simps and soy-boys which I accept was rather provocative and now regret using).

This is a trend many,many women, as well as men, don’t like, and why only a 1/3 or is of people identify themselves as feminists.

Show quote history

It really isn’t.

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 09:04

GrammarTeacher · 07/01/2025 08:57

That isn’t what feminism is

Show quote history

Although feminists often say that they only want “equality”, which is what most people agree with, including myself… in actual fact what they tend to be advocating for is “feminised equivalence”, and that’s something many people, men and women, don’t want.

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 09:10

GrammarTeacher · 07/01/2025 08:58

It really isn’t.

Show quote history

In which case why is there such a huge gap between those who identify as feminists and those who believe is equality for women.

In my opinion, it’s because much of feminism, in practice at least, deviates from the simple idea of “equality” for women, and extends it to mean the promotion of “feminised equivalence”.

MangshorJhol · 07/01/2025 09:19

Erm my husband is a feminist and proudly so. He doesn’t see his career or life as being more important than mine. He’s (shockingly to some on this thread) made career decisions that disadvantage him to allow mine to flourish. He’s an equal parent. He chooses and packs presents, he is on the school PTA, he organises holiday childcare and camps. When I travel for work I don’t have to leave him a list of who needs to be where or batch cook food.
He’s not pathetic or a people pleaser. He’s hugely successful at work. He’s also very quiet and soft spoken.
And yes we do talk about gender roles at home. As a father of two boys he’s committed to ensuring (as I am) that they don’t expect the women in their life to be doing constant invisible labor for them.

(He can also be annoying and is fussy about food sometimes, can be moody and a bit of a perfectionist and expects everyone to meet his standards…)

In OP’s case I would be having a very serious chat about what her partner thinks about life, parenthood, who takes leave when the kids are sick, who does daily housework etc before committing to moving in.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2025 09:21

@OneLemonGuide "However, don’t then complain that you’re then only able to attract soy-boys and simps… as the men displaying the masculine traits that we tend to love, tend not to be feminists!"

Wow! What are there masculine traits of which you speak?

category12 · 07/01/2025 09:22

The incel-derived language around this is so disgusting and regressive. Boxing people up into flawed and rigid categories.

I don't think it is mainstream and I don't think it's useful or constructive.

BellissimoGecko · 07/01/2025 09:23

OneLemonGuide · 06/01/2025 20:46

Although it might surprise those in the progressive echo-chambers, only about a third of people identify as feminist. It’s seen by many as a toxic term and a facet of “wokeness”. It doesn’t mean he’s
misogynistic… In fact, it’s the knee-jerk presumption of many that anyone who doesn’t identify as feminist must therefore be a misogynist that turns people away from feminism…

So if the idea that he’s not a full-on feminist offends you, and that he dares to engage in content that challenges a feminist agenda, then you’d be doing both of you a favour by dumping him. However, don’t then complain that you’re then only able to attract soy-boys and simps… as the men displaying the masculine traits that we tend to love, tend not to be feminists!

What a load of bollocks this entire reply is!

BellissimoGecko · 07/01/2025 09:26

What sort of stuff is he sending?

And what's he like around the house and in general? Does he do his share of cooking and housework? Is he respectful towards women or does he have incel tendencies?

Bobbingtons · 07/01/2025 10:26

I see the Musk fanboys are spreading their wisdom beyond AIBU now having tried to take over the rest of the forum with their idiocy.
As for the op. I think you need a frank and honest discussion with your partner about their views to work out if you are compatible for an ongoing relationship.

OhBling · 07/01/2025 11:02

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:32

In which case, feminism’s work is done, at least in the UK (though it definitely isn’t in many places in the world!).

However, those who promote feminism today in the West often don’t seem to be advocating for “equality” anymore, at least in terms of equality of opportunity and rights (which is something most people, including myself, overwhelmingly support).

Rather they are advocating “equivalence”, where the aim is for men and women to be essentially indistinguishable in all aspects of life except perhaps in how they identify, but where feminine traits are promoted and masculine traits are frowned upon… with the result that men are only accepted if they adopt feminised characteristics, but shunned if they adopt masculine ones (hence my use of the terms simps and soy-boys which I accept was rather provocative and now regret using).

This is a trend many,many women, as well as men, don’t like, and why only a 1/3 or is of people identify themselves as feminists.

Show quote history

This might be one of the silliest posts I've ever read on MN. And I've been on here for a very very long time.

I think you're getting a bit confused about some modern feminists. Back when I was a young feminist, I was all about "equality" and equal opportunities. I am still, largely, pro all of that, of course. But what I came to realise is that because there are biological and social differences between men and women, this doesn't always work. eg, theoretically, in a law firm, I 100% want to see men and women working equally, being promoted equally etc. BUT that doesn't work in the real world necessarily because there are deep seated differences. Some of these are biological and therefore unchangeable - women are the ones who bear children. Some may well be cultural/societal - such as women taking the lead on childrearing - but which nonetheless are firmly entrenched. As a result, in order for men and women to succeed equally in those law firms, these differences need to be accomodated for on TOP of m anaging for bias and other more basic issues around sexism and misogyny.

Equivalence is also about equally valuing contribution of both men and women. A classic example being the value of the unpaid domestic labour that is largely performed by women - caring for children, elderly or disabled people, managing family budgets, cooking, cleaning etc. These contributions are not in any way valued in the same way - not at a global, governmental or individual level. But many feminists, myself included, feel strongly that these contributions SHOULD be valued equally (whether performed by men or women).

As for your theory that men are only accepted if they display feminine traits... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Noerc · 07/01/2025 11:28

OneLemonGuide · 07/01/2025 08:36

Anyone who’s dated recently will recognise the characteristics of a “simp”…it’s basically a man who fawns over you and is a people-pleaser, someone who doesn’t stand up for themselves and won’t take the lead.

Show quote history

Why is a gendered definition needed? Drippiness as a trait is highly unappealing in people of either sex, and more importantly it isn’t good for them either. We all need to be able to look after ourselves.

I can only think this is because the sort of men posters are correctly identifying as having an incel mindset do indeed value women who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves. The possibilities of where that leads to are chilling to contemplate.

Not hard to imagine the consequences of fragile egos taking out their frustration and anger on women who can’t fight back.

TwoTuesday · 07/01/2025 12:00

I think you should talk to him about how he is anticipating your cohabitation arrangements working, as if he expects you to be subservient to him and you don't see things that way, it's best to have the discussion now. It would more than worry me if a boyfriend of 3 years who I was about to move in with suddenly started sharing anti feminist views. Actually I'd run a mile as I'd see it as a precursor to abuse. Is he gullible generally? Has he been radicalised?
People on here using derogatory labels, policing who can call themselves a feminist based on door-holding expectations and dictating what "we women" find attractive in a man, are not being either constructive or helpful.

ClapKissBang · 07/01/2025 12:05

Personally, I don’t care about who my husband follows online, as I’m not interested in social media. As long as he’s not acting foolish, I’m unbothered. There's far too many distort opinions online for me to invest time in.

Well, if he's anti feminist, is he a provider? Does he want you to live in comfort while he takes care of the bills?

NoMoreOfThis · 07/01/2025 12:16

OneLemonGuide · 06/01/2025 20:46

Although it might surprise those in the progressive echo-chambers, only about a third of people identify as feminist. It’s seen by many as a toxic term and a facet of “wokeness”. It doesn’t mean he’s
misogynistic… In fact, it’s the knee-jerk presumption of many that anyone who doesn’t identify as feminist must therefore be a misogynist that turns people away from feminism…

So if the idea that he’s not a full-on feminist offends you, and that he dares to engage in content that challenges a feminist agenda, then you’d be doing both of you a favour by dumping him. However, don’t then complain that you’re then only able to attract soy-boys and simps… as the men displaying the masculine traits that we tend to love, tend not to be feminists!

What absolute nonsense.

NoMoreOfThis · 07/01/2025 12:18

Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 08:43

OP, the fact that you've been with your boyfriend for years and have come here rather than speaking with him directly about these posts and getting to the bottom of this, tells me that you're not ready to move in with him. Your relationship should be able to handle tough conversations at this point.

You should ask him:

  • Why do you watch those video's?
  • What's the core message you're getting out of them?
  • Why do you feel like sending them to me? What's the motive?
  • What do you expect me to learn from them? How do you expect me to respond?
  • Are you trying to communicate something to be about your wishes for our relationship? If so, why do you choose video's to do that, rather than speaking to me?
  • How do you think these video's make me feel?
  • Have you tried watching these video's from my perspective and seeing what I see, as a woman, when hearing what they have to see?
  • ...

The way he responds to these questions, should help you determine whether you want to continue down the path of this relationship, or whether you should probably walk away. And I don't mean that only by content, but also the way he enters this conversation. Does he get defensive? Does he deflect? Does he avoid the sensitive issues? Does he get angry? Does he shut down? Is he intentionally vague? Can he even articulate his own feelings on this topic, or explain his motives?
Couples sometimes have to have very difficult conversations about things they have very different opinions on, but that never justifies using toxic communication strategies.

Great post.

Jazzjazzjazz · 07/01/2025 12:18

category12 · 07/01/2025 06:29

Yeah, that language shows what internet echo chamber they came out of.

Show quote history

That might have been the feminism of the 1950s, it the world we live in now, we do have equal rights. Feminism now is so much more than that, and is about emasculating and belittling men, and pretending there are zero differences between men and women. It’s about eradicating masculinity and femininity totally. It’s about a war between the genders when in actual fact your partner should be your best friend, not a gaggle of girl mates ready to tear him about first chance they get. I would hate to date a chauvinist, and most men would hate to date a feminist

Nesbi · 07/01/2025 12:29

As I man I would love to learn more about these “feminine” traits I need to avoid in order to make sure I’m not a soy-boy! This is fascinating drivel…sorry, I meant “info”.