OK Situation 1
Me and fiancé (soon to be husband) planned weekend away wine tasting for our wedding. Was planned for 4 months and the only weekend the wedding venue could do. We get a text from brother saying that we shouldn't be going as its dads 50th birthday. We already had a plan to take dad out for dinner, and he was happy with that. at this point no plans or parties for dads bday. I reply and say well this is the weekend we needed to go, and that there aren't any plans for birthday. proceeds to tell me now that my fiance shouldn't be going, and there aren't any plans yet because he has been busy. 4 days later, he texts my fiancé with a miraculous plan for the dad, over the weekend we are going to the wedding venue. Fiance replies we cannot go, and why did you make the plan knowing we are not going to be here. whilst we are on our trip, brother delivers some bad news to my fiance whilst we are at dinner, and ruins our evening.
Situation 2
Last year family member died over my birthday. He was a doctor. Sad situation. I done everything I could to support, attended funeral, paid for therapy for my fiance, held his hand and supported him during the entire process. for the past year, there have been 'events', 'fund raisers', 'community events', 'sports games' honouring the family member. Really special and fiance and me where possible have attended every one. We lost money as we had a holiday booked over my birthday, but not important, and i have not once mentioned anything to do with that, and showed up for my partner. My parent was also in the hospital, very stressful time.
this year, we have planned a weekend away for my birthday. MIL contacts fiance months ago, saying its doctors week in XYZ city, and that all the family are going. Fiance says we cannot go as its birthday weekend, already have plans, and last birthday was very sad we don't want this one to be similar. MIL does not really accept no for answer, asks him to reconsider. Was consistently asking him everytime she saw him. Few days later, texts again asking, he sticks by his guns says no. We go over for dinner, asks me this time, i say probably not and she says its a week long celebration, can we go before my bday, i say ill take a look. Next morning, after not even 24 hours so we haven't dicussed it yet, asks my fiance on the phone. He tells me. This time i text her saying probably not going sorry, feel free to send details but not going to make it. She says no problem whatever is best for me and my fiance? Then 10 minutes later i get a text from the brother, saying "question" i say "yes..." he says are we definitely out of going XYZ, its a once in a lifetime oppourtunity and thinks we should go, i reply and say on this occasion no after last year, thank you for the invite but not going to make it. He then proceeds to change the subject and say my fiance will be angry if he knows he text me.
My fiance at this point is overwhelmed, stressed, and clearly feeling pressure from his family. We end up arguing. He calls older brother who lives in different country for advice, who says we should go for the days we can and then proceed to go onto my birthday weekend after. Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that, WW3 breaks out and have a huge argument, as quite obviously i am feeling ambushed and misunderstood/disrespected by this entire family, now including my fiance.
I am at a cross roads, my fiance is now kind of blaming me, saying yes his mum shouldn't of been going on, but saying i have a problem with the brother and mum? (of course i do after their treatment of me) and he wants to get us all in a room together (no). I do not feel ready to see them or want too they cause me nothing but arguments in my relationship, and i think are so used to my fiancé doing and being at every event, they do not like that he is not there. bare in mind, these women are nice to the uncles wife, but are horrible about her behind her back and are very false, so i have witnessed first hand two faced behaviour. My fiance has previously called his mum out for bad behaviour, and she cried for weeks, trying to make him feel guilty (he agrees on this) and trying to make him feel bad for going against her when she was being mean to another lady infront of us.
What do I do? My fiance can't cope with being in the middle and wants us to resolve it, and the more i keep going on for him to see my feelings, he gets annoyed and i look like the one with the problem. he is saying i am now being stubborn and spiteful (??!!) that i wont go to XYZ and go to my bday weekend after, maybe i am being difficult, maybe i should go, but i cant forgive the issues they cause in my engagement so far.