I am about to go crazy with my husbands family, and being gaslit by them all. Please tell me I am not crazy!

[meliisawalker29]

OK Situation 1

Me and fiancé (soon to be husband) planned weekend away wine tasting for our wedding. Was planned for 4 months and the only weekend the wedding venue could do. We get a text from brother saying that we shouldn't be going as its dads 50th birthday. We already had a plan to take dad out for dinner, and he was happy with that. at this point no plans or parties for dads bday. I reply and say well this is the weekend we needed to go, and that there aren't any plans for birthday. proceeds to tell me now that my fiance shouldn't be going, and there aren't any plans yet because he has been busy. 4 days later, he texts my fiancé with a miraculous plan for the dad, over the weekend we are going to the wedding venue. Fiance replies we cannot go, and why did you make the plan knowing we are not going to be here. whilst we are on our trip, brother delivers some bad news to my fiance whilst we are at dinner, and ruins our evening.

Situation 2
Last year family member died over my birthday. He was a doctor. Sad situation. I done everything I could to support, attended funeral, paid for therapy for my fiance, held his hand and supported him during the entire process. for the past year, there have been 'events', 'fund raisers', 'community events', 'sports games' honouring the family member. Really special and fiance and me where possible have attended every one. We lost money as we had a holiday booked over my birthday, but not important, and i have not once mentioned anything to do with that, and showed up for my partner. My parent was also in the hospital, very stressful time.
this year, we have planned a weekend away for my birthday. MIL contacts fiance months ago, saying its doctors week in XYZ city, and that all the family are going. Fiance says we cannot go as its birthday weekend, already have plans, and last birthday was very sad we don't want this one to be similar. MIL does not really accept no for answer, asks him to reconsider. Was consistently asking him everytime she saw him. Few days later, texts again asking, he sticks by his guns says no. We go over for dinner, asks me this time, i say probably not and she says its a week long celebration, can we go before my bday, i say ill take a look. Next morning, after not even 24 hours so we haven't dicussed it yet, asks my fiance on the phone. He tells me. This time i text her saying probably not going sorry, feel free to send details but not going to make it. She says no problem whatever is best for me and my fiance? Then 10 minutes later i get a text from the brother, saying "question" i say "yes..." he says are we definitely out of going XYZ, its a once in a lifetime oppourtunity and thinks we should go, i reply and say on this occasion no after last year, thank you for the invite but not going to make it. He then proceeds to change the subject and say my fiance will be angry if he knows he text me.

My fiance at this point is overwhelmed, stressed, and clearly feeling pressure from his family. We end up arguing. He calls older brother who lives in different country for advice, who says we should go for the days we can and then proceed to go onto my birthday weekend after. Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that, WW3 breaks out and have a huge argument, as quite obviously i am feeling ambushed and misunderstood/disrespected by this entire family, now including my fiance.

I am at a cross roads, my fiance is now kind of blaming me, saying yes his mum shouldn't of been going on, but saying i have a problem with the brother and mum? (of course i do after their treatment of me) and he wants to get us all in a room together (no). I do not feel ready to see them or want too they cause me nothing but arguments in my relationship, and i think are so used to my fiancé doing and being at every event, they do not like that he is not there. bare in mind, these women are nice to the uncles wife, but are horrible about her behind her back and are very false, so i have witnessed first hand two faced behaviour. My fiance has previously called his mum out for bad behaviour, and she cried for weeks, trying to make him feel guilty (he agrees on this) and trying to make him feel bad for going against her when she was being mean to another lady infront of us.

What do I do? My fiance can't cope with being in the middle and wants us to resolve it, and the more i keep going on for him to see my feelings, he gets annoyed and i look like the one with the problem. he is saying i am now being stubborn and spiteful (??!!) that i wont go to XYZ and go to my bday weekend after, maybe i am being difficult, maybe i should go, but i cant forgive the issues they cause in my engagement so far.

Anniversary for what? I didn't think you were married yet. I can see why a 21st birthday is more important than a celebration if an anniversary when you met.
It sounds as though the family have had a very difficult time. I can see it from their point of view but also from yours. I don't think his family will change so it's really up to you to decide whether you think you can cope with it

That’s very bizarre.
Do they have the same for Veterinary surgeons and dentists?

Bonkers.

Well yes, a family 21st party would trump an anniversary and it is nice to have a party on the day for big birthdays.

Just like a 50th birthday trumps wedding planning. Not every birthday every year has to be celebrated on the exact day.

In general I think his family are in the wrong to push things on you, but I do think you’re being inflexible on your perceived “important dates”. There’s no reason not to push back on the wedding venue to select a different date. Or celebrate an anniversary on a different date. Only times

It reads to me that anything that is to do with his side of the family will take precedence over anything that is happening with you or your side of the family.

When is your H2b going to stand up to his family and tell them that no, you can't do X, Y or Z at the drop of a hat and that is the end of the discussion? It's like death by a thousand cuts. One family member doesn't like what they hear and then they run to another, bad mouth your H2b and keep getting at him to change his mind and lo and behold - what does he do but change his mind. Simply because he knows that you will not behave in the same way towards him.

I'd have to have a long hard discussion with that man and tell him that the wedding and future marriage is on the line - it's that serious a situation for you. Imagine if you were picking a name for a baby and they kept on at him? Or perhaps a primary school? Or something equally important to you? Would you always play second fiddle to his family??

You sucked up the fact that you didn't go away on holiday last year as you were dealing with the funeral and all of the arrangements. You were planning on going away this year and yet again his family throw a tantrum (of sorts) and it's impacting on your plans.

How can he not see this? Is he consumed by the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt)? There are loads of threads discussing this if you search for them (and lots of information on other sites too).

Last thing - H2b, just in case you're unfamiliar with the term is Husband-to-be.

I hear you and I'm not criticising you. He's showing you the truth though whatever words he says, and trust me this will not change

That's all talk - let him show you that he is on the same page as you by his actions.

I think it's because the close family member was a doctor. It sounds as though it might be some sort of fundraising event?

Walk away. They sound like a mob family where you do as they say, or else.

Some families put their parents and adult siblings first.

Beware, it won’t change.

But he is SHOWING you that's not the truth

The thing is, mumsnet always demonises this kind of family set up but actually it has its perks. A sense of belonging, a sense of camaraderie, having a network, having people you can call on.

Yes they are pushy but it’s the only way you actually organise a big group of people to go and do something all together.

I have a big pushy family and I roll my eyes and get frustrated but I then also have the BEST time when we are all together and I’m never lonely or feel like I’m missing out.

Id say your fiancé possibly feels a bit like me. Can you live with it OP?

he 100% thinks that anything to do with HIS family comes before anything happening with mine. I am somewhat OK with that, I would put my family before his too. but i am not ok with is him putting his family before ME, and vise versa. isnt that the whole point of a marriage? to become one unit and to put your partner before anyone else to develop and grow into a happy marriage? thank you for your words! i appreciate it

This! It’s going to be a nightmare unless he puts his foot down now.

It’s not his family that is the main issue here (that’s whole different problem) it’s your Fiancé.
When it actually comes down to it regardless of what he says (just saying what you want to hear) his actions are his family comes first regardless if they are right or wrong.
I would be evaluating my relationship here.

Your fiancé is placing the wishes of his family first and prioritising them above you. He is also giving a clear message to his family that you come second to them, which gives them power.
Is this what you want for a husband? a man who has so little respect for the woman he is supposed to love that he states it is not up for discussion, and demonstrating by his actions that he has no thought for your feelings or of putting you first on your birthday.
Whichever way it goes now your birthday is tainted, because to even expect you to swop celebrating your birthday for a week of celebrating deceased doctors is just plain weird and selfish.
I’m sorry OP, I’d be seriously considering walking away from him and his selfish demanding possessive family. I can’t see a happy marriage when he chooses their happiness over yours.

This, I'm afraid...

I predict every time you plan something that's important to you his family will override them with their plans and he will agree.. Is that the life you want? He really won't have your back.

I’m a bit unclear why you aren’t okay with the idea of going to this event before your birthday trip and then going on to your planned birthday trip, though I would be very unhappy with the way your fiance told you that’s what you were going to do and there was no discussion to be had.

I think I remember you posting about the wedding planning FiL birthday clash before. From that and the above I sort of agree with an early poster who said you sound somewhat inflexible. That might be a reaction to how overwhelmed you feel by their demands (which I also agree do sound very over the top). You seem to have a lot going on both yourselves and with his family’s demands. And it might be that you have given up so much already in the name of being flexible that this is you trying to reclaim some control. But the two examples you gave seemed to be you drawing a line in the sand that prioritised keeping what you had planned over trying to make things work with the new opportunities.

Have you gone to every thing his family suggest except these two things, or are these just the ones where the refusal has been met with resistance that’s become a source of friction between you and your fiance? I’m wondering if this is a power trip on his family’s part (not letting you ever say no) or if it’s more nuanced.

Ultimately, though, you aren’t going to change his family, so you either need to make peace with it and find a way to handle the stress and decision making in a way you can live with, or break up.

Sorry I also agree with this. Most people don't get to choose when they die or the anniversary of their death. It's a shame its over your birthday but then you have life on your side. His family are overbearing - but its not just them putting pressure on him its also you. He's having to choose between marking the 1st anniversary of someone's death or your celebrating your birthday. You can celebrate your birthday another day but anniversary of someone's death not so much. I think if this happened again next year you might have a point but not the first anniversary.
I am guessing you are in your 20s - when you are older you will look back on this and laugh that you gave your birthday so much importance.

Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that

Sorry, what? Who does he think he is talking to you like that?!

Run. Save yourself. This will only get worse and your fiancé is fucking useless. And controlling.

The 21st birthday party was on OP's anniversary. She canceled HER birthday holiday because someone died.

Two separate things.

Same, I'm sure this is a repost

He can talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. When faced with his family he backs down. He is a wet lettuce when it comes to them and his inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as you. He still wants their approval too, they will never give him this. Read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and think about your future here because this is how it will be if you and he marry.

Sorry OP but this marriage is doomed. This dynamic WILL NEVER CHANGE.
He needs someone who will slot into his family dynamic with ease - you're not that person.
You need someone who's life centres only around his wife with no big family pressures outside of it - he's not that person. There is nothing bad about the kind of woman he needs. And there is nothing bad about the kind of man you want. You're just not right for one another.
This is why it caused WW3.