I am about to go crazy with my husbands family, and being gaslit by them all. Please tell me I am not crazy!

[meliisawalker29]

OK Situation 1

Me and fiancé (soon to be husband) planned weekend away wine tasting for our wedding. Was planned for 4 months and the only weekend the wedding venue could do. We get a text from brother saying that we shouldn't be going as its dads 50th birthday. We already had a plan to take dad out for dinner, and he was happy with that. at this point no plans or parties for dads bday. I reply and say well this is the weekend we needed to go, and that there aren't any plans for birthday. proceeds to tell me now that my fiance shouldn't be going, and there aren't any plans yet because he has been busy. 4 days later, he texts my fiancé with a miraculous plan for the dad, over the weekend we are going to the wedding venue. Fiance replies we cannot go, and why did you make the plan knowing we are not going to be here. whilst we are on our trip, brother delivers some bad news to my fiance whilst we are at dinner, and ruins our evening.

Situation 2
Last year family member died over my birthday. He was a doctor. Sad situation. I done everything I could to support, attended funeral, paid for therapy for my fiance, held his hand and supported him during the entire process. for the past year, there have been 'events', 'fund raisers', 'community events', 'sports games' honouring the family member. Really special and fiance and me where possible have attended every one. We lost money as we had a holiday booked over my birthday, but not important, and i have not once mentioned anything to do with that, and showed up for my partner. My parent was also in the hospital, very stressful time.
this year, we have planned a weekend away for my birthday. MIL contacts fiance months ago, saying its doctors week in XYZ city, and that all the family are going. Fiance says we cannot go as its birthday weekend, already have plans, and last birthday was very sad we don't want this one to be similar. MIL does not really accept no for answer, asks him to reconsider. Was consistently asking him everytime she saw him. Few days later, texts again asking, he sticks by his guns says no. We go over for dinner, asks me this time, i say probably not and she says its a week long celebration, can we go before my bday, i say ill take a look. Next morning, after not even 24 hours so we haven't dicussed it yet, asks my fiance on the phone. He tells me. This time i text her saying probably not going sorry, feel free to send details but not going to make it. She says no problem whatever is best for me and my fiance? Then 10 minutes later i get a text from the brother, saying "question" i say "yes..." he says are we definitely out of going XYZ, its a once in a lifetime oppourtunity and thinks we should go, i reply and say on this occasion no after last year, thank you for the invite but not going to make it. He then proceeds to change the subject and say my fiance will be angry if he knows he text me.

My fiance at this point is overwhelmed, stressed, and clearly feeling pressure from his family. We end up arguing. He calls older brother who lives in different country for advice, who says we should go for the days we can and then proceed to go onto my birthday weekend after. Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that, WW3 breaks out and have a huge argument, as quite obviously i am feeling ambushed and misunderstood/disrespected by this entire family, now including my fiance.

I am at a cross roads, my fiance is now kind of blaming me, saying yes his mum shouldn't of been going on, but saying i have a problem with the brother and mum? (of course i do after their treatment of me) and he wants to get us all in a room together (no). I do not feel ready to see them or want too they cause me nothing but arguments in my relationship, and i think are so used to my fiancé doing and being at every event, they do not like that he is not there. bare in mind, these women are nice to the uncles wife, but are horrible about her behind her back and are very false, so i have witnessed first hand two faced behaviour. My fiance has previously called his mum out for bad behaviour, and she cried for weeks, trying to make him feel guilty (he agrees on this) and trying to make him feel bad for going against her when she was being mean to another lady infront of us.

What do I do? My fiance can't cope with being in the middle and wants us to resolve it, and the more i keep going on for him to see my feelings, he gets annoyed and i look like the one with the problem. he is saying i am now being stubborn and spiteful (??!!) that i wont go to XYZ and go to my bday weekend after, maybe i am being difficult, maybe i should go, but i cant forgive the issues they cause in my engagement so far.

@RosyappleA i think they want him to be with a woman who will happily be 2nd best to the family, and i am not that woman. so yes, they are i think

And they're succeeding.

You're never going to be happy.

This isn’t a family member who happened to die and they found some charity event to tangentially tie the memory of the loved one. This is a family member who died “in service” and the event is specifically in honor of the deceased. That is a special circumstance and it supersedes normal plans and celebrations. Your fiancé shouldn’t be in the middle because there should be no middle. If he was remotely close to the family member, he needs to be at this event in its entirety.

as his fiancé, you might not be able to get the time off work so might not be able to attend the entire event, but you should still want to support him as much as possible. Instead, you are making this harder on him by asking him to prioritize your birthday.

Normally I consider birthdays a pretty big deal. I actually have a pretty big chip on my shoulder about birthdays because my parents and then my XH all considered my bank holiday birthday an inconvenience. Sometimes though, life happens and this is one of those times.

The family want a second doormat. Make a choice. You have the gift of experiencing the chaos before marrying into it. You’ll always come last.

i have never experienced so much drama, and gossip since being involved with this family, i honestly want no part of it, i want a quiet life and to focus on my husband. most of it all revolves around alcohol. luckily, fiance wants to move away in a few years. thank god. he has told his family to leave me alone before, and not to text me, they clearly do not listen to him, which is why he asks me to deal with it for him, but i dont feel comfortable in doing so

Are you expected to give up time, money and birthday celebrations for this doctors week event every year? It sounds like it could fall on your birthday some years.

What are you going to do, OP? Nobody here seems to think this situation is going to get anything other than worse, you will not be free of this enmeshed and interfering family if you marry this man. Are you going to put up with it? Do you have confidence that he is able to put you first? Has he shown you that he is willing to?

@Pamspeople well he has said his actions speak louder than words, that they try to guilt trip him and get him to do what they want, but he said we still went to the wedding event, and we are still going to my bday weekend, it won't stop them trying i am sure for the entire marriage though which i need to work out if i can deal with, he is bad with words, but says his actions are he is going to put my first....

You've just told me what he says, but I'm much more interested in what you want and how you feel about it. We're hearing a lot more about him and them than you! What do you truly want and what do you truly think is going to happen?

@Pamspeople its hard when you love someone that wants to be better, but circumstances (family) won't let them be... I am not 100% sure, I know I love him, I know I want it to work, whether I think it will, whilst we are living around his family, unless I mentally switch off, I don't think so, unless I cut them off... I am going to work on me, gym, being outdoors, making friends.

There will always be an emergency that requires your 2bh to make a split second loyalty choice. Because that is the kind of family they are. Everything is a test—will he choose them or you?

He is so used to it, and he is such a limp piece of duckweed, that he experiences the battle for control as perfectly normal. His mother calling him every day to badger him us perfectly normal. It is you who are out of order eith your “plans” snd “goals” and no doubt separate money snd work needs.

Stop negotiating with him. Stop telling us “he said this” or “ he said that”—he is a sulky man baby who can’t make up his own mind about anything. He says whatever to get out of the fix his family puts him in.

He thinks throwing your plans in the air because his family tells him to is normal. He thinks badgering you about it until you concede something (first half of the week) means he’s a great man! He should be thanked for all the trouble you’ve put him through.

wake up: he is not man enough to get married. He’s still stuck on mummys teat.

@pikkumyy77 you are right, it is ALWAYS something, with every trip we plan, which is why i just think its easier to not have a relationship with them so they dont know what we are doing, i told him pretend i have died to them

This man isn’t ready to get married as he’s not able to be independent from his mum.
This is so accurate, so true.
For him to be willing to become independent of his family would take a battle like you have not yet seen. You would also risk being cut off from them entirely for about 10 years. Would you both be willing to put up with that and make your own life together?

OP might be willing to cut them off but they will never let him go.

OP you might be resolved to cast them out of your life.

I can assure you that they won't cast him out of their lives.

They'll always be there in the background, and if you have children they'll want to see them.

@meliisawalker29

Just ask yourself this; is this the way you want to live the next 20/30/40/50 years of your life? Fighting against his parents and him for every inch of ground for every decision you make they don't agree with?

Stop thinking short term, start thinking the rest of your life, because he's not going to change. He doesn't want to change. He agrees with his family regardless of what you say to keep you on the hook.

He has caved in and going part of the week to please his family but you have to go with him. His issue is that you are rocking the boat by not wanting to go so he expects you to explain yourself to his family. It’s like you’re on trial @meliisawalker29 and god forbid if they don’t like what you say. Let him go by himself, you know they have badgered him relentlessly but he will never see it once he has been forced to do their bidding. Tell him you will see him on your birthday weekend, let him go alone as he needs to realise you will not cave to their demands. Then the next time they try to change your plans to suit themselves he will know if he caves in he will have to do it on his own.

The family also want you to know who is in charge, his M knows they have caused trouble and you have argued so she keeps ringing up to stay in the loop. She knows you’re not a good fit for her family, they need someone who will jump when they tell you to, she is helicoptering around him staking her claim over your H2b.

Isn't this the plot of The Godfather Pt 2?

But he is already showing you that what he is telling you is a complete lie he will always prioritise them and it will be worse when you have kids

It’s so obvious to me she’s calling up to be nosey and play the good guy. She’s telling him she’s just concerned, and offering a place to stay. I’ve never seen quite evil like it. Karma and i like to think good always prevails. She’s playing it off like oh I just wanted all the family together poor me poor me.

Has he prioritised them by still going on my bday weekend though and only joining them for the first half? X

He’s a trimmer—he trims to fit. He is constantly going to be splitting the baby so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy to either side. But this never works longterm. You are’nt happy and his family aren’t happy. You keep trying to find a horse buried in this augean stable but its not there, just a pile of shit.

Maybe he bitches to you about his mother pressuring him and you feel vindicated! But at the same time he bitches to her about how difficult you are. The treatment, in that sense, is equal—but both sides end up hating each other. He will try to ride two horses with one arse—but does that ever work?.

Your fiancé does not have your back. This is meant to be the happy loved up time before getting married but it sounds awful. The problem is that your fiancé has somehow lost his balls which seemingly might be in his mother's handbag or maybe the interfering brother is minding them. I don't think your fiancé will make you happy - why even reading this I want to cleave his head from his shoulders. (Don't do this!) I would leave unless you want decades of this kind of drama and ramping up if you have children. I have been married for over 30 years and I still remember when I was cooking dinner for his family as a relatively new girlfriend, my now MIL asked my husband to do something and he refused saying he had to help Paisley with the dinner first (as I was a very inexperienced cook panicking quietly in the kitchen). I knew then he had my back and he was the one. I would have come to quite a different conclusion if he had behaved like your fiancé.

You do realise all this priority statements you are coming out with are just opinions, not facts?

Why are women always expected to be the ones to put themselves and their priorities second?