I am about to go crazy with my husbands family, and being gaslit by them all. Please tell me I am not crazy!

[meliisawalker29]

OK Situation 1

Me and fiancé (soon to be husband) planned weekend away wine tasting for our wedding. Was planned for 4 months and the only weekend the wedding venue could do. We get a text from brother saying that we shouldn't be going as its dads 50th birthday. We already had a plan to take dad out for dinner, and he was happy with that. at this point no plans or parties for dads bday. I reply and say well this is the weekend we needed to go, and that there aren't any plans for birthday. proceeds to tell me now that my fiance shouldn't be going, and there aren't any plans yet because he has been busy. 4 days later, he texts my fiancé with a miraculous plan for the dad, over the weekend we are going to the wedding venue. Fiance replies we cannot go, and why did you make the plan knowing we are not going to be here. whilst we are on our trip, brother delivers some bad news to my fiance whilst we are at dinner, and ruins our evening.

Situation 2
Last year family member died over my birthday. He was a doctor. Sad situation. I done everything I could to support, attended funeral, paid for therapy for my fiance, held his hand and supported him during the entire process. for the past year, there have been 'events', 'fund raisers', 'community events', 'sports games' honouring the family member. Really special and fiance and me where possible have attended every one. We lost money as we had a holiday booked over my birthday, but not important, and i have not once mentioned anything to do with that, and showed up for my partner. My parent was also in the hospital, very stressful time.
this year, we have planned a weekend away for my birthday. MIL contacts fiance months ago, saying its doctors week in XYZ city, and that all the family are going. Fiance says we cannot go as its birthday weekend, already have plans, and last birthday was very sad we don't want this one to be similar. MIL does not really accept no for answer, asks him to reconsider. Was consistently asking him everytime she saw him. Few days later, texts again asking, he sticks by his guns says no. We go over for dinner, asks me this time, i say probably not and she says its a week long celebration, can we go before my bday, i say ill take a look. Next morning, after not even 24 hours so we haven't dicussed it yet, asks my fiance on the phone. He tells me. This time i text her saying probably not going sorry, feel free to send details but not going to make it. She says no problem whatever is best for me and my fiance? Then 10 minutes later i get a text from the brother, saying "question" i say "yes..." he says are we definitely out of going XYZ, its a once in a lifetime oppourtunity and thinks we should go, i reply and say on this occasion no after last year, thank you for the invite but not going to make it. He then proceeds to change the subject and say my fiance will be angry if he knows he text me.

My fiance at this point is overwhelmed, stressed, and clearly feeling pressure from his family. We end up arguing. He calls older brother who lives in different country for advice, who says we should go for the days we can and then proceed to go onto my birthday weekend after. Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that, WW3 breaks out and have a huge argument, as quite obviously i am feeling ambushed and misunderstood/disrespected by this entire family, now including my fiance.

I am at a cross roads, my fiance is now kind of blaming me, saying yes his mum shouldn't of been going on, but saying i have a problem with the brother and mum? (of course i do after their treatment of me) and he wants to get us all in a room together (no). I do not feel ready to see them or want too they cause me nothing but arguments in my relationship, and i think are so used to my fiancé doing and being at every event, they do not like that he is not there. bare in mind, these women are nice to the uncles wife, but are horrible about her behind her back and are very false, so i have witnessed first hand two faced behaviour. My fiance has previously called his mum out for bad behaviour, and she cried for weeks, trying to make him feel guilty (he agrees on this) and trying to make him feel bad for going against her when she was being mean to another lady infront of us.

What do I do? My fiance can't cope with being in the middle and wants us to resolve it, and the more i keep going on for him to see my feelings, he gets annoyed and i look like the one with the problem. he is saying i am now being stubborn and spiteful (??!!) that i wont go to XYZ and go to my bday weekend after, maybe i am being difficult, maybe i should go, but i cant forgive the issues they cause in my engagement so far.

you know the mantra here on MN though "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

Take a step back. Evaluate the situation. is this a man who looks even remotely as though he's suddenly going to stop all this nonsense?

I can't see any gaslighting.

I can see a lot of bullying, though.

And your fiancé doesn't seem to be on your side at all.

I'd end this relationship.

Your fiance is either a coward, a hypocrite or both.
Personally I'd be looking for a new relationship because if he doesn't have your back now then your marriage will be hell.

Exactly. That’s pretty shocking to speak to your fiance like that.

He’s being all dictatorial when speaking to his fiancé /future life partner, but yet he can’t quite stand up and be decisive with his family.

This is a recipe for disaster and tbh it would totally put me off a man if he couldn’t back me up against his family. I suspect a family member essentially said “you’re the man - can’t you make her fall into line or are you under the thumb?” - or words to that effect.

So he’s been egged on by his family and stupidly fallen for it. And he’s also taking the stress his enmeshed family is causing him out on you.

As many others have said, his actions and words aren’t matching up. He said he believes in prioritising you over his family but he’s not doing that so far.

You think once you get the final ring things and exchange wedding vows things will change? Nah, he’s showing you who he is and what he believes. Pay attention!

Rethink any marriage.
You are not compatible.
His mother and brother clearly are controlling.
This will be your life on a loop.
Not worth the stress.

Your fiancé is telling you what you want to hear but with enough pressure from family he caves in. Once you’re married it will be the norm, it’s not just one family member it’s all of them. When you have children they will encircle your life even more, holidays will be chosen with them in tow. If you stand up to them your MIL will be in floods of tears and you will be blamed, your H will be angry and disappointed, backed by his family they will bully you to apologise to her, that will be your life.
I personally would tell him you won’t be press ganged into going anywhere and you will be going as planned away for your birthday with or without him.

Ok but that is not what he thinks. He thinks the pushiest people in his family take precedence and always will.

To be fair to the fiancé, he did go to the wine tasting with OP instead of his Dad’s 50th. Which he should really have prioritised by not booking something else that weekend, even if the party hadn’t been arranged yet. Who doesn’t know when their Dad’s big birthday is, and proactively arrange something.

As for the week celebrating the dead doctors (?!), the family have said ‘come for a couple of days before you go away’. But OP has said she doesn’t want to because remembering the deceased puts a damper on her celebration.

And the OP’s final example of celebrating a cousin’s 21st instead of the anniversary of their first kiss (or whatever) is patently ridiculous.

Fiancé may be a bit wet but OP sounds like hard work.

I think you say I can’t marry someone who’s not going to be on my team. I can’t work so hard every time something comes up to try and get you to understand how I feel and have you get mad at me for thinking I matter too, especially on my birthday. I think we need to take a break and you can use it to decide if we are always going to put your family first as long as they ask enough times, and if you genuinely don’t think I’ve supported you enough then you shouldn’t marry me anyway, as I think I’ve supported you a lot, and not had the same support in return. You don’t have to battle my family to prioritise us wvery single time anything happens, the way it’s going 150 days a year will soon be scheduled as critical for your family and you haven’t time for a wife or partner if you want to go along with that. I don’t want a partner who can’t celebrate our anniversary.

Honestly? Do not marry this man. You will have a lifetime of dealing with his dysfunctional family and he will side with them against you, as he has done now. The fact that he thinks he can say to you 'We're going and it's not up for discussion' is a massive 🚩

I wouldn’t like this so I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I think you’ll always be in the background compared to his family. Not every man will treat you like this.

Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion"

Fuck that. Don’t overlook this domineering controlling trait.

Your fiance is saying what he thinks yiu need to hear to put up with this behaviour.

Look at his actions - that's all you need to do.

If you have kids with this man, this family will become a complete nightmare.

It’s one thing to take priority as a family unit, it’s another thing to make up half baked reasons why you can’t attend any significant family birthdays. A 50th and 21st are important. Also you seem to be deliberately vague about the doctor week event, you either genuinely don’t understand it, in which case you should make an effort to understand it, or you’re choosing to gloss over it for the sake of getting people on your side against your husband and his family. If someone’s birthday is on the horizon it’s not fair to schedule in an event like wedding wine tasting and then insist it’s vitally important and your husband is betraying you by giving into his family. That’s gaslighting and soon he’s going to notice the same pattern that his family have already noticed.

OP are the family trying to break you two up? Because they are certainly going to end up doing so. I have seen this in an Asian friend’s family where they did everything possible to end the relationship as they didn’t want her in the family but in such a way where you couldn’t point the finger at them.
Could you plan things as a couple without telling them so they can’t then interfere?
I don’t like that your fiancé can put his foot down and sound controlling with you but is getting pressured by the family and can’t stand his ground with them.

Well he's given you an ultimatum.

Do as he says or else.
Is it really worth it? What happens when you get married? It gets worse. When you have kids, they become MILs grandchildren, then you become "unreasonable". I've seen how this plays out too many times.

Run for the hills. He's a walking red flag. Will tell you what you want to hear to begin with but when it comes down to it he's always going to please his family. That's what you are marrying into. Good luck.

You sound normal op. Your finance family sounds overbearing. Your fiance sounds like he cannot stand up to the family.

I don't think you are in the wrong, his family is , and he needs to have your back.

I would not be able to make a life with someone who didn't put us, as a unit, first.

This sounds a very stressful way to live. Not gaslighting but bossy and demanding. Sadly I think you need to reconsider the marriage because it is unlikely to change much and you are already very unhappy about how choices are made.

Whatever anyone else says or thinks you clearly aren't the right person to live comfortably within this large family group. He will never be able to cut them out of his life. You are not just marrying him in this instance. Up to you, but I can't see you being happily married

While i think OP needs to run away and not look back, i do actually agree with this.

The ONLY time you could do wine tasting? really? Agree that a 50th and a 21st birthday are normal celebrations and should be prioritised.

Dead Doctor Week - would you explain more about it, OP, because i seriously don't understand what they are doing. It may or may not be something that i would priortise (also the dates seemed to be fixed, so planning something else at that time tells me that your fiancé is either not contributing to any of this planning, or he's a twat)

But the pair of you are not compatible and should save each other the ballache that is planning a wedding and then a divorce.

This all sounds like hard work
Precious about birthdays, precious about wedding planning, pushy relatives and expectations…. This will be your life if you don’t nip it on the bud now.
Are you outside UK? 🤔

This.

The whole thing is weird though tbh. I absolutely could not be arsed with that much drama in my life.

Still baffled about the whole ' doctors week' thing. The family are all going away together to celebrate/remember doctors who have made sacrifices or died? Please explain this OP it's doing my head in!

And this isn't going away. He's clearly more emotionally and physically attached to his family that you would like so you'll either need to accept that (& possibly extract yourself from this) or walk away.

Your H2b has spent his entire life doing as he was required by his mother. It would be impossible for him to be independent without they gift him independence and there is no sign that they will grant him that.
As already stated once you are married you will be considered 'under contract' to them. It will get worse and any parenting of your children will come under their control.
Time to leave duckie, I would have gone long ago.