I am about to go crazy with my husbands family, and being gaslit by them all. Please tell me I am not crazy!

[meliisawalker29]

OK Situation 1

Me and fiancé (soon to be husband) planned weekend away wine tasting for our wedding. Was planned for 4 months and the only weekend the wedding venue could do. We get a text from brother saying that we shouldn't be going as its dads 50th birthday. We already had a plan to take dad out for dinner, and he was happy with that. at this point no plans or parties for dads bday. I reply and say well this is the weekend we needed to go, and that there aren't any plans for birthday. proceeds to tell me now that my fiance shouldn't be going, and there aren't any plans yet because he has been busy. 4 days later, he texts my fiancé with a miraculous plan for the dad, over the weekend we are going to the wedding venue. Fiance replies we cannot go, and why did you make the plan knowing we are not going to be here. whilst we are on our trip, brother delivers some bad news to my fiance whilst we are at dinner, and ruins our evening.

Situation 2
Last year family member died over my birthday. He was a doctor. Sad situation. I done everything I could to support, attended funeral, paid for therapy for my fiance, held his hand and supported him during the entire process. for the past year, there have been 'events', 'fund raisers', 'community events', 'sports games' honouring the family member. Really special and fiance and me where possible have attended every one. We lost money as we had a holiday booked over my birthday, but not important, and i have not once mentioned anything to do with that, and showed up for my partner. My parent was also in the hospital, very stressful time.
this year, we have planned a weekend away for my birthday. MIL contacts fiance months ago, saying its doctors week in XYZ city, and that all the family are going. Fiance says we cannot go as its birthday weekend, already have plans, and last birthday was very sad we don't want this one to be similar. MIL does not really accept no for answer, asks him to reconsider. Was consistently asking him everytime she saw him. Few days later, texts again asking, he sticks by his guns says no. We go over for dinner, asks me this time, i say probably not and she says its a week long celebration, can we go before my bday, i say ill take a look. Next morning, after not even 24 hours so we haven't dicussed it yet, asks my fiance on the phone. He tells me. This time i text her saying probably not going sorry, feel free to send details but not going to make it. She says no problem whatever is best for me and my fiance? Then 10 minutes later i get a text from the brother, saying "question" i say "yes..." he says are we definitely out of going XYZ, its a once in a lifetime oppourtunity and thinks we should go, i reply and say on this occasion no after last year, thank you for the invite but not going to make it. He then proceeds to change the subject and say my fiance will be angry if he knows he text me.

My fiance at this point is overwhelmed, stressed, and clearly feeling pressure from his family. We end up arguing. He calls older brother who lives in different country for advice, who says we should go for the days we can and then proceed to go onto my birthday weekend after. Fiance then texts me saying "we are going and this is not up for discussion" after that, WW3 breaks out and have a huge argument, as quite obviously i am feeling ambushed and misunderstood/disrespected by this entire family, now including my fiance.

I am at a cross roads, my fiance is now kind of blaming me, saying yes his mum shouldn't of been going on, but saying i have a problem with the brother and mum? (of course i do after their treatment of me) and he wants to get us all in a room together (no). I do not feel ready to see them or want too they cause me nothing but arguments in my relationship, and i think are so used to my fiancé doing and being at every event, they do not like that he is not there. bare in mind, these women are nice to the uncles wife, but are horrible about her behind her back and are very false, so i have witnessed first hand two faced behaviour. My fiance has previously called his mum out for bad behaviour, and she cried for weeks, trying to make him feel guilty (he agrees on this) and trying to make him feel bad for going against her when she was being mean to another lady infront of us.

What do I do? My fiance can't cope with being in the middle and wants us to resolve it, and the more i keep going on for him to see my feelings, he gets annoyed and i look like the one with the problem. he is saying i am now being stubborn and spiteful (??!!) that i wont go to XYZ and go to my bday weekend after, maybe i am being difficult, maybe i should go, but i cant forgive the issues they cause in my engagement so far.

That was his first reaction. But then she kept on and on, and then told him rather than 1 day like we originally thought it was, it was a week long, so then obviously he felt like why wouldn’t we go if we can, for the first half of the week. That’s how the argument happened. Does that change anything? Either way, even before she knew it was a week long, she didn’t accept a firm no for an answer. His answer was actually if Melissa changes her mind that’s up to her but she cancelled her birthday last year for us.

So many words and so much angst OP. Just stop. You have one decision to make and you can make it tonight for ever.
Do you want to be part of this family as it is, or not?
They are not going to change, your fiancé is not going to change. This set up works for them. It seems it doesn't work for you which is absolutely fine. But you then have to make the decision to walk away.
'fiance, I am separating from you. This is not working out for me. I hadn't realised how things are with your family and I don't want to be as involved with them as you do. I hope you find someone lovely who wants the same things as you, but it's not me I'm afraid. Good luck.'
The end.
This isn't going to work so stop wasting your energy and end it.

I get what you’re saying but I have to admit we did go to the wedding plan, and we are still going to my birthday weekend and I am not going to the doctors week. He says his actions speak louder than words but it’s a shame it had to be days of arguing whilst they try and get in between us.

I do think the birthday party is a little bit of a red herring in a way.. it was his dad's 50th birthday, he should really have known that it would fall on that weekend when you booked your wine tasting, it's not unusual to organise a party within a couple of months of it happening.. so I can understand family being a bit miffed that you as a couple booked something on what your fiance should have known was his dad's milestone birthday weekend.. none of that is on you though, though I can see why you have suspicions abut his family over it, I'd personally let that one go as unfortunate timing.

With regards to the other one, as far as I read, if I'm understanding correctly, they asked your dh and he categorically said no at least a couple of times (as you had both decided not to attend) then they asked you in person and instead of backing up your fiance with a firm no, and explained why you'd both reached that decision, you said 'probably not, send me the details and I'll look into it' .. THEN they rang your fiance to put the pressure on, before deploying the big guns (his brother) to guilt trip him into it.. I think some of that is on you I'm afraid, you gave them an opening and your fiance obviously struggles to say no to them unless he has a really good excuse, so they knew they could divide and conquer to crack him, you need to work on not giving them the slightest hint of an opening, if the answer is no then the answer is no, it sounds like you struggled to say no to them too in fairness when asked directly, but if your fiance is weak you need to be strong.

You BOTH need to decide what you are happy to do and not to do and make sure you back each other up 100%, leaving no ambiguity that you are both on the same page, playing one of you off against the other is a horrible tactic but his family are obviously not above doing that if it suits them to get their own way.. and it worked on this occasion, so it will probably happen again, they sound a bit nuts to be honest.

The first thing I thought when I read your OP is that he sounds like he's doing a good job up to now in keeping your existing plans as a priority, he just needs that extra support from you to be able to say no to them and put your needs above theirs, if he thinks you are saying no just because you don't like them he will struggle going forward to get behind that though.

They will not change and you will have same sort of thing again and again. It all sounds awful, just reading about it - it would drive me bats.
Tell your partner this is making you miserable and you can’t carry on with it, he’ll reassure you but will it affect his actions in future?

Then you need to point out to him Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh".

He's only 'caught in the middle' because he won't take a side, your side. Rather than stand up to them, he wants you to bow down to them. All in the name of making his life easier. I hate to sound sexist, but he needs to man up and make a decision. Either he is your husband (-to be) first and foremost or he is their son first and foremost. And that decision is his and not yours. But I think you need to make him understand that he won't be allowed to 'run with the hares and hunt with the hounds'. That from now on, you will make your own decisions for events and issues that involve you and will no longer 'give way' to their objections or their plans if they conflict with yours. Now, obviously there will be times that it will be right to put them or their needs first, but I think you are wise enough and compassionate enough to know when those times are. And at this point, you really need to consider marriage/relationship counseling. He's not going to change unless he sees his current behaviour is endangering your relationship and a counselor can help him with that.

My MiL was a dream and she fully believed that my DH's first loyalty should be to me, his wife. I remember once we were talking and DH said jokingly that if we had a spat he'd 'go to his mother's'. And she said tartly "First I'll ask you what you did wrong. And then I'll send you right back to apologize!". I think she was only half kidding.

So you will be expected to change any lambs you make because your in laws will suddenly decide they've got special events happening at the same time? Without informing you of said events?

You can't marry into this family.

They sound so difficult, controlling and manipulative.

You will be forever making plans, telling them about your plans and then having to change your plans to keep them sweet.

Just save yourself the bother and escape.

Plans not lambs. Ffs.

🤣🤣

@meliisawalker29 - You wrote "but what do i say to him when he responds "they just wanted us to go, they just wanted the family to be together"

You reply with "I'm your family. Don't you want this family to be together after the year we've had? Why don't your parents want us to be together, celebrating life and not mourning death...again???" (maybe leave out the 'again' bit).

Your H2b seems so caught up in still trying to please his parents, his relations instead of starting or having cut the apron strings and being his own man.

What, do you think would happen if he said "No, mum. No dad. I can't make this event. Please stop asking me. You're coming across as bullying me into doing something I have already said that I can't go to and I won't be able to make, for other reasons. You may not like those reasons but they are important reasons to me.".

I think your H2b is trying to be everything to all people and at some point he'll snap and I hope it won't be that he snaps at you. He needs to take some time to work out what it is that he wants and hopefully it will align with what you want too.

@meliisawalker29 - you also wrote "He still wants me to talk to his family about it, as he says i am the one with the issue with their behaviour, he says they can try to change his mind or this and that, but he said no one will ever change his mind or get to him."

I'd tell him it's a firm no, on having a conversation with his family as they will carry on regardless of what you say. As someone up thread said "you can't teach an orange to be an apple" and they will never change. What can change is how your H2b reacts to their demands. He needs to learn to be assertive and this will take time but he is the one who can change how he reacts to their demands, not you, and not them.

One thing that strikes me is the contact to-ing & fro-ing and I wonder how clear your DH is in his communication with his mother? If you listen to their conversations, how much is "I'll speak to DW" or "we probably can't" it's not looking likely" or worse "DW says..." It leaves him open to their nagging and don't forget he's been like this his whole life so won't be fixed overnight but if he's genuinely on board, help him see this and change.

If plans are truly set in stone then make that clear "Sorry mum we won't be able to come as we already have XYZ planned". And shut down any further conversation on it "as I've already said, we have XYZ planned so no need to discuss this again"