To want to f&£k this man?!

[ifeelsobad]

So I know it's a marriage problem. My DH is into kinky shit I just don't want in my life anymore. He's not pressuring me into anything cos well the kink is he likes to be dominated and then he also likes other stuff I don't want to go into it. The bottom line is I'm 43 and not had sex since August.

My friend's DH is being a bit flirty with me and the other day he came to pick something up from our house, DH was here they were chatting and then for a reason I won't say on here he asked for my number (to share a contact) and he asked for my number and put his head down like he knew he was crossing a line. I don't flirt with him. I actually act very loved up in front of him to my DH. But deep down I fancy the pants off this guy. He's married of course I'm married and it's dangerous territory I'm not going to enter. But I know I can sense he wants me too. I'm just putting this here to stop myself being a stupid idiot.

Errr why did he need to get your number? You said he messages on Facebook already 🤷‍♀️. Have I missed something?

Even if you don't care enough about your DH, think of your kids. This kind of stuff can cause irreparable damage to them. I've seen it first hand in my family.

How can you even consider sleeping with another Dad at your kid’s school? How selfish. Think about your children and the impact on them. Why can’t you keep your sex life separate from your Childrens school and other parents? I think you are shameful as a mother to even think this.

Then it's super unfair of him. You need to say from now on, exclusively lovemaking and tenderness. If he can't access that in his sexuality he needs to go on a course - there are some absolutely excellent ones for people who need to get in touch with their bodies and minds and reprogramme so that they can access a plain ("vanilla" if you will) in the moment connection and get horny too.

If he is a kinky person he's ploughed all the excitement of sex into the kinks and transgressions. That's fine many of us do it, but it's only one colour of sexuality and he needs to at least be open to doing it a different way.

He will probably feel he is incapable of changing and exploring other ways of accessing sex. So you can say look, the things you like feel as alien and un-horny to me as the vulnerable more exposing sex does to you. Either you make a commitment to moving towards me in this regard or I will be finding someone else to meet this need.

With the latter offer you can say the option is there for you to find someone who loves a golden shower/strap on or whatever and go do it with them.

Then the conversation becomes how you protect the other parts of your marriage and invest in them so you don't split up.

I think both directions are feasible but if you do neither you'll end up with an affair that's much less controllable and dangerous.

I agree. Are you being pressured into sexual activity you’ve made it clear you don’t want to do?

Me and my ex once tried out a kink in the bedroom (something we both wanted to try). I liked it but could tell they weren’t feeling it, so we stopped. I asked them their feelings and they said that they didn’t like it. I respected this and never asked again. That’s how it should have gone with your husband- you try out a kink, don’t enjoy it, he respects that and doesn’t ask again. Asking again and again after someone has made their disinterest clear is pressuring someone and it’s not ok, and can even cross over into sexual coercion.

obviously don’t cheat on your husband. But if he’s pressuring you into sex/ has ever pressured you, that’s really not ok at all. It doesn’t matter that he wants to be dominated- consent goes both ways, just because he’s the one being dominated doesn’t mean he shouldn’t make sure he has your consent.

He's married don't be that jerk it's your friends husband for goodness sake vile

@Woolwichgirl I'm not a troll. I will read, the kids being teens are the two boys who text each other are friends at school. My little one next to me (we they were til about 40 mins ago now we are up and about) is my younger one.

I would like to point out DH doesn't force me into anything - it's basically the only type of sex I can get where I dominate. So I have pulled away, he doesn't pressurise me. That kind of defeats the purpose of being dominated.

I've had a good sleep. I will just try to work through things as I am already with my therapist and grateful for the advice, I'm not a man. I don't know why people think this sort of existence is so unbelievable. Is my life that fucked up?

When your marriage is lacking and social life limited you start fantasizing about people you regularly see at work or school run. In the peak of my lonely desperation I was imagining sex with men who I'd normally not look at twice. You're not thinking clearly so don't do anthything stupid because you'll regret it later. If his wife finds out you'll be the talk of the school and it will ostracise you, make any school events torture, it will make things awkward for yout DC and they might get into fights over you.
The man knows he is attractive or sexy and enjoys flirting, you should be repulsed by his behaviour not turned on. It's creepy!

Yes.

@ElvenPowers I think building up the courage to have this conversation is going to be key. However having been with my therapist for 3 years I can see there is a lot for DH to unpack as to why he wants sex this way. Not that I spend my sessions psychoanalysing him but it takes up a lot of my time.

He and I met when we were both young, in each other I guess we found a sense of security. Maybe he feels he messed up with finding me.

Ultimately we've had no sex since August. I sometimes wonder if I'd even know what vanilla sex is as I did only have a hanful of one night stands - my virginity was lost to a friend but we didn't have sex again. Sometimes I still think of that night. It was after a night out, it was hours of sex overnight. I could not have asked for a better first experience, he was tender and caring. We never met or spoke again after that night. I moved away. But if I'd had a lifetime of sex like that where I felt desired and I felt wanted. Then I would be happy. That is sad for me to read back.

@Booooooooooo yes. I know what you mean. End of school holidays too. I just need to throw myself back into my work and focus on myself.

I am very much probably reading too much into everything. But even if there is an inkling of me not having got this wrong I know I won't be pursuing this.

And to those who are saying my life is fucked up. That makes me feel so low as we still have a good solid homes; the children are yes got their SN but lead as fulfilled lives as we can give them.

DH and I work hard. It really is just in the 'bedroom' and I need to think around that and I'm grateful for the advice.

OP, I don’t think you’re a troll. Unfortunately many Mumsnetters can’t conceive of a life that’s very different from their own, so they react with accusations and disbelief.

I do think this marriage will continue to destroy your self-esteem and you will be left a shell of a person.

You could ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships, where people are less likely to troll hunt.

@Choccyscofffy that's a good idea thank you.

Makes me sad that I ended up in such an effed up marriage. I am propping it up in so many ways it's exhausting.

Especially when it's your friend's husband!

I have asked MN to move this to Relationships. Thank you.

I have asked it's not been moved yet.

Did you ask via ‘Report’? That usually works.

All the best, will look for you on the Relationships board.

It's arrived!!

I'm having a tough time right now with my youngest who has autism (PDA) super anxious about school tomorrow. I'm taking on so much and feel so alone. I spend hours trying to get them to sleep in the evenings.

I feel like I'm so alone in everything - that's probably why I'm creating this fantasy in my head. People telling me my life is fucked up is hard too.

just be careful, in our minds we have all the angles worked out but in reality it can be completely different

Thanks @PlumHedgehog01 could you expand on what you mean?

I would suggest if you want to stay with your DH to work with a couples sex therapist. Our sexuality is different to unravel versus other issues we may have. Many couples have therapy together but not specifically for sexual issues. I have seen many couples in your position work through their sexual incompatibility and come out in the end stronger and more fulfilled that they ever had been before. Take heart that it is something that can be worked on together and possibly give you the relationship you always wanted with the DH you have. If not at least you can split amicably knowing you both gave it your best.

Your life isn't fucked OP. You've ended up in a sexual based relationship that is no longer working for you is all.

I've dabbled in 'stuff', whole heartedly, and very willingly that folk may not like. That's their choice, and their options. However, sexually what your DH is seeking is no longer floating your boat. You are absolutely within your rights to tell him this. And frankly if he's seeking a D/s sexual relationship then you can call the shots here!

It's about your well-being first, and if he wants you to take the 'lead', then you need to set the boundaries on exactly how it will be (if you want to). If you want to end the relationship that's another story.

Thanks @Emptyspiral and @Poppyseeds79 we are so low energy at the moment esp with our youngest and school issues.

Maybe this is the wrong time to be tackling this.

@PlumHedgehog01 what on earth did you say?! Your message has been deleted