To want to f&£k this man?!

[ifeelsobad]

So I know it's a marriage problem. My DH is into kinky shit I just don't want in my life anymore. He's not pressuring me into anything cos well the kink is he likes to be dominated and then he also likes other stuff I don't want to go into it. The bottom line is I'm 43 and not had sex since August.

My friend's DH is being a bit flirty with me and the other day he came to pick something up from our house, DH was here they were chatting and then for a reason I won't say on here he asked for my number (to share a contact) and he asked for my number and put his head down like he knew he was crossing a line. I don't flirt with him. I actually act very loved up in front of him to my DH. But deep down I fancy the pants off this guy. He's married of course I'm married and it's dangerous territory I'm not going to enter. But I know I can sense he wants me too. I'm just putting this here to stop myself being a stupid idiot.

You and your husband sound fundamentally sexually incompatible and that's generally a deal-breaker in relationships. Personally, I couldn't stand doing the kind of stuff that your husband is into so completely understand why you don't want to do it and that it is making you lose attraction to him.

However DO NOT allow your sexual frustration to lead you down the path of losing your own integrity. As a SA survivor you are already vulnerable to having weak boundaries and it sounds like this is the case with your friend's flirty husband.

DO NOT make the mistake of thinking that shagging him will make you feel better. It won't. You will end up anxious, guilty and most likely feeling used. If your friend's DH is looking outside his marriage, he is to some degree predatory, and for the sake of a shag that you could easily get from Tinder, you would be risking hurting your friend, your children and your husband (even though you may not have terribly strong feelings for him right now).

You need to make a decision about whether you can remain in your marriage happily, and if not, do what you need to do. Once you're separated, you can pursue guilt-free sex with all the single fellows you like.

@IridiumSky but I feel like that is for his pleasure. I guess maybe what I'm asking for is something that doesn't exist, I was very inexperienced when we met. 22 a virgin til 21.

I want to be desired, I want to feel like a physical
And mental connection - I don't want to go all Hollywood but I want that making love that I see in the films.

He's your friend's DH? And you're asking if you should sleep with him? I think you need to get a grip and take a good look at your moral compass.

Sounds like you are building things up with this other man in your mind and making it something it really isn't

As PP have said you need to fix your marriage or leave

@CheekyHobson in reality you're right it would destroy me to do that - I know I have poor boundaries.

My friend's husband is a powerful man in a lot of ways, he's quite domineering. I think I'm also attracted to what could be the opposite of my DH.

I would say he is potentially predatory he has cornered me a couple of times.

My friend's husband is a powerful man in a lot of ways, he's quite domineering. I think I'm also attracted to what could be the opposite of my DH.

Feeling strongly desired is a powerful aphrodisiac and it is a tool that predators use to get vulnerable people in their thrall.

Add in an element of danger and it will really get all your receptors firing and make you feel as though a certain path is 'inevitable' and that you are being swept along by something larger than you. But it's a false high, and comes with a devastating crash afterwards.

You have to use your head here, not listen to your hormones.

@CheekyHobson I've never viewed it this way before. You are making me see him differently. He likes to put DH down subtlety in front of me I've noticed.

It's also very natural that when a certain situation is upsetting, disappointing or repellent to us that we become strongly attracted to situations that seem to be the complete opposite, kind of as a reaction against the situation we are moving away from.

Your best move here would be to avoid all contact with your friend's DH and focus on yourself and what you are going to do about your marriage. Focusing your mental and emotional energy on this potential affair is most likely a way of avoiding having to make tough decisions about your own relationship.

Forget films. They are, by definition, fantasy.

But being physically desired and sharing a connection - not only physical but also in many other areas as well - is what any partnership/ marriage is supposed to be. That’s what it’s for! What’s the point otherwise?

It sounds like you were not experienced enough to make an informed choice, and have married the wrong man. That’s very sad.

Yup. This guy is not a good guy. He doesn't respect his wife, he doesn't respect your DH/your marriage... do you really think that he will respect you? You're just someone he's clocked as potentially being of use to him.

@CheekyHobson you are so right, how do you know this?

I am always avoiding the reality of our marriage I have since I was 22. Because to the outside world we look so perfect. Also DH is from a securer less traumatic background than me and he felt like a safe option. This man, he is more dangerous I guess, powerful, a wheeler dealer etc.

You know he’s into you. You know it’s a bad idea. You’re obviously not friends with his wife because otherwise you wouldn’t even entertain the possibility.

Change your settings so that he can’t see what you’re posting on social media and block his contact. Don’t entertain this any further before you do something stupid.

And either get counselling and a vibrator or divorce. You shouldn’t have to live an extremely unfulfilling sex life, it’s not your fault your DH can’t have sex beyond his kinks.

@IridiumSky also my experiences were tied around SA. Therefore DH felt safe for a number of reasons and I guess the sex was something I put up with as he offered/offers stability in some many ways.

I feel a real tightness in my chest like it's all just getting too much for me and I want to explode. I should go to sleep.

I was taken in by someone like this when I was much younger and in an unhappy relationship, so I've learned to spot the dynamics.

I've also seen it happen in outside situations since, with predictably negative consequences. One friend's husband was lured into an affair with another mutual friend of ours who has turned out to be basically a psychopath - the classic femme fatale. She's been through three other people's husbands since him.

This is definitely a lot for you to take in. I really advise trying to get as much time for yourself as possible, journalling, walking, away from anyone who might be trying to influence you, to get in touch with yourself. Sleep does help too, sometimes you just need to switch off and allow your emotions to calm down.

Not good. Remember things always feel worse at night.

It may be a good idea to turn this addictive nonsense off and go to sleep!

Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to about all this IRL?

@CheekyHobson I'm so very glad I posted and you have taken the time to care for a stranger. I am very grateful. I did say to myself I would start journaling in the new year and the kids did get me a pretty little journal book.

My therapist has asked me to spend time focussing on myself, to focus on building myself physically and mentally. I know I'm fragile in a lot of ways still but I have a better idea of what I do want in life. Thank you again.

In my experience when marriage is a bit shit and it’s a long slog heads turn. He shouldn’t be messaging you though. But maybe you’ve overthought it. Sex therapy with dh could be an option? Don’t ruin your worlds because of it even if it’s a day dream.

@IridiumSky I dare not speak with anyone. I did comment months back to my mum that me and DH don't have much of a physical relationship. Which she found odd as her and dad (when he was alive) seemed to have a very active sex life!

I have my therapist who I see every two weeks. So I see her again later in the month.

Yes I should sleep. Yes MN is addictive.

I am glad I came and posted.

in case hq do pull the thread all the best

Thank you @PlumHedgehog01 I hope they don't pull it. I need to go to sleep shortly and want to revisit in the morning and read the advice.

if your on pc or phone try to save it or screenshot the main points just incase

@PlumHedgehog01 I leave my phone around the house all the time!! Plus kids use my phone for random stuff. So I can't take photos.

But I will try to memorize it. Do you think HQ will delete it? I don't know why they would. They can get in touch with me.

its the messages of some of the responses and some of the other mumsnetters thinking your a troll, which is not a certainy but is likey to get it pulled etc