Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Yeah we don’t live in disconnected lives like this. We love and feel loved in return by actions and feelings. Other people might feel loved in this disconnect but that’s those people.

Yes,he is happy, genuinely happy. He thinks we have a loving relationship and my need for conversation and time and touch is unreasonable.

I read an interesting book called “sociopath” by a woman called Patrick who is a sociopath and couldn’t get help so she landed up doing a PhD in sociopathy to provide help. She made a comment about her marriage, that she loved her husband completely in the way she is able to love him, despite not really understanding feelings because of her sociopathy.

I sometimes wonder whether my husband is similar, he’s definitely got ASD traits but they overlap with narcissism and opathies, don’t they?

it’s academic, he’d never go and be assessed because the issue is that I am too needy and he will never see the need.

I have grown to understand how people can die of loneliness. It feels pathetic, I should have sorted this out at least a decade ago!

I guess it depends if you want to be loved and viewed as person loves a washing machine or a toaster. They love you as long as you function in the manner they understand. We don’t get to control how another person loves us but we do get to control whether we are happy with it.

I sometimes wonder whether my husband is similar, he’s definitely got ASD traits but they overlap with narcissism and opathies, don’t they?

Does it matter anyway?
Whether it’s ASD, narcissism etc… it’s all down to the wiring of theur brain. He isn’t going to change.

I think knowing ‘this is a ‘normal’ reaction due to autism/BPD/narcissism/whatever’ is great to get meaning and an understanding our own story.
It doesn’t change the end result. You dont need to know if it’s ASD or being a narcissist to know he isn’t going to change and act accordingly.

There are loads of amazing asd and adhd people out there also so it’s not an excuse but I guess it’s one part of the ingredients that goes into the overall cake. Depends on other aspects of a personality, beliefs, morals, childhood etc. Whether they’ve had support or had to survive with just masking etc and unhealthy behaviours. No one is a label, we just have to take m as they are in present day face value and not project or hope.

Totally true @Rainbow03

Yes, and the same should be examined of me. What is it about me that means I would accept such disappointing and neglectful behaviour? It’s disrespectful, but I allowed it. I wouldn’t encourage another woman to tolerate this, so what on earth was I thinking?

it’s partly circumstance, young kids and lots of them and daily illness, partly stubbornness, I meant my vows and feel that I should keep them, and partly because leaving is hard and painful and I had hope it might change.

it won’t.

Agree about amazing people with ASD and ADHD, some of our kids are those people!

they aren’t mean spirited though. Which is Arse v which is asd behaviour, that’s the root of problems on this board, isn’t it?

My biggest negative for my self preservation is that I see the good in everyone and I take on board their past suffering and I give allowances for this even if I hurt in return. I thought that me behaving a certain way could affect change in my partner because deep down everyone is good. I want people to do the same for me as I do for people. I’ve found out by hard knocks that others don’t feel the same way as me (my ND coming out). People are much more self oriented than I realised (which is a form of self preservation I don’t have). We are in a way not selfish enough but then we can’t help being what we are. There is nothing wrong with us or any if us.

I honestly think this is a support thread for partners of PDA people. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone.

I think this combination of traits is highly challenging for relationships.

I can see now that DH is at his happiest if he gets to control everything we do, and have zero demands on him, yet I’m just around in the background- giving him positive signals to regulate his nervous system.

This is just not great for the other person who doesn’t get to have control, doesn’t get to be connected, and has to regulate their own emotions the whole time. That just isn’t how humans (most NTs but plenty of non PDA NDs as well).

That’s very helpful, for me, anyway.

the more I have said to him “this ain’t great, is it?” The more he has pulled away.

we just watched “adolescence”, I won’t do spoilers (it’s an extraordinary bit of work) but I’m bubbling at the end and he said “I’m sorry it upset you” and was unable to see that it wasn’t the programme that upset me but that families, even in extremis, pull together and find a way to support each other.

I do not have that.

i think I’d rather live alone than be this lonely. So I have emailed a few local counsellors to see if they have space for a woman who needs to work out why she hasn’t left her husband who’s not a bad man but who l, together, created a mess of a life.

thanks for the wisdom. I do appreciate it

@Seriestwo Hope you hear back from the counsellor(s) soon. It is a lonely place to be 🫂

I certainly think my H has strong PDA @SleepDeprivedElf but so do I to a certain extent. Although I try my best not to let other people be affected by it or hurt by my unwillingness to meet some demands. Unlike H who is unaware that he becomes very unpleasant and controlling.

Not sure if my situation is 'bad' enough to be considered abusive? (feel free to comment if any of you think so) I am actually considering contacting Women's Aid after my DM has been here, partly to talk through H's behaviours with someone who can confirm if he is abusive or not, and partly to help point me in what direction I can take. I seem unable to do this myself. Having already separated and then taken him back, it now feels even harder to do it again!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore You can do the freedom programme. Why does it matter so much if someone tells you if it’s classed as abusive or not? You are in control of your life and you get decide whether someone’s behaviour is appropriate or not. Abusive behaviours are shouting, swearing, pushing, throwing, hitting, controlling money, who you see, what you wear, putting you down, mocking you. Narcissistic abuse is much more covert. They literally just have to be the better person in every room they are in and they view the world through a filter of them. It’s all about power and control of usually very insecure people. To fully diagnose the person would need to be evaluated. Women’s aid will tell you what to look for but they can’t diagnose a persons intensions. We have to make a leap of faith on that one. Why is it just not enough that you aren’t happy and don’t like it (whatever it is). What reason will be enough for you to leave because I don’t think you are going to get it, its on you what you do.

@Rainbow03 what you are saying makes perfect sense, I will reread that a few times to seeif it sinks i.

I guess for me it's whether it's classed as ad enough that I should get out as soon as I can, which would be very, very hard. Or if it's something I can live with until I can work again and then leave with the possibility of renting somewhere.

Bad enough is life threatening, is he at risk of hurting you, being a threat to life? In my own case the answer was yes. We had a small argument when trying to live together over him using all the sugar and not replacing it that escalated to him telling me to get out before he does something he’d regret. I left that day. I knew full well he was capable of hurting me having previously exploded and threw things and his eyes changed when he was angry to very scary. I think only you can answer that question, can you live with him? Are you being black and white when communicating with him or are you letting him think that he has a chance. I was not blunt enough and mine thought and tried to change my mind and that got on my nerves so much. Once I was blunt he changed completely (that was because he was a narc).

Honestly I couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore and his mere presence in the house was creating so many negative emotions in me I had to just go. Once I lost the love I hated him for what he did to me, I couldn’t live with that hate and be a good mum to my 2
year old back then.

@Rainbow03 No it's not life threatening, it's more a slow kill by switching from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde, one minute being complimented to the extreme, to being belittled and scowled at the next. He throws things in anger and frustration, but not at me. He huffs and puffs and snarls and walked around with an aura of menace at times. It's not nice to be around.

My first H did throw things at me, destroyed furniture, locked me out, was very mean to me and one day nearly strangled me when drunk. That was life threatening, I did get out and I thought I found a man I felt safe with. I don't feel emotionally safe with H. I can't trust him and I can't rely on him to support me at all times.

And I think when H acts like that it triggers the feelings of fear and despair I had in my first marriage. It feels like such a failure to have ended up with another unkind man. I can see why now, a tendency to people please and very low boundaries. Plus H was fun, exciting and kind when we first met. He is still fun and exciting, just not always kind.

I think you need to work on ultimate disconnection. No worries about his motive, no worry about is he/isn’t he, no maybes it will
work. Just a clean line split. I’m staying until I can get out but there is no gaps left open for him to get through. As we’ve said before this no mans land is a slow death. Stop questioning what you want, shut up that voice in your head because it’s a nuisance lol. I often hear it as my little child inside who doesn’t want to hurt anyone (my programming) but sometimes she needs to trust me! I’m an adult and I can deal with this because his reactions and his emotions are his to deal with! We are going to hurt people in life unfortunately and we are going to have to live with doing so.

Thank you @Rainbow03 it is the little child speaking I think.

It is. We have allowed her to drive the car for a long time. She is speaking from a time in the past though and we are not in that time anymore. She had no control but we do.

That is a good way to sum it up! I still feel guilty over breaking up with my first boyfriend when I was 15, he was devastated and ignored me at school for years after. I'm 45 and should know that it is unavoidable to hurt people sometimes. Yet I gone to great length to avoid doing so and in the process probably hurt them even more!

You mean hurt yourself even more. People are getting something out of your people pleasing otherwise they would be gone. You are the one suffering, repressing, changing, never honouring yourself. The other person is happy getting what they want from you.

True ❤️

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore You sound like me with my own adhd. Constantly searching for logic behind my feelings, for someone to make the decision for you and for someone to say the one piece of the missing puzzle that will just make it all make sense. Only trouble is there is no logic to a feeling really and most NT people I think have a feeling, act on it and deal with it because they don’t have this brain of ours. We get stuck on logically trying to work out the feeling and the best way to deal with it.

Yes! I do strongly suspect I'm AuADHD rather than just ASD. I've been stuck for years trying to make sense of it.