Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

@BustyLaRoux I remember that feeling all too well. I can fully imagine you feel utterly shit atm. Sometimes I think flowery words just don’t cut it. I know we can think of the positives but sometimes it’s just shit. And comparison is just the worlds lovely way of making us feel a little bit more shit on top.

I know. I should be feeling great really! I mean I’ve often dreamt of getting my own place (though in my day dream I’d won the lottery and could afford a nice house of my own with a walk in wardrobe and a kitchen island!!). And being free to make decisions that were not based on circumstance or guilt. I know it’s the right thing to do. I will enjoy my own space. I know I will. I am just overwhelmed by how much I have to do! Work is a nightmare as well. I can’t take any time off. I just have to keep plugging away. Tick a couple more jobs off the list every day. Tomorrow: sort broadband and TV deal. Contact agent so I can get in the house and measure (think my wardrobes might be too tall!!). Check reference checks are complete. Get brother to book lorry for moving day.

Getting there…..

How would you go about this? Before I spend the next few months worrying. If you have to make a decision on something whose needs do you take into account? In this example a holiday with family where my oldest will be with her dad so won’t be able to go. She would be devastated to miss out. But then the smallest needs to make memories also but I would like both to be there. The person arranging is ASD (unable to put anyone’s needs first but what they have decided so is fixed on one date). Whatever I choose I upset someone.

edit. Partner being ASD thinks I’m ridiculous even worrying about the oldest missing out. He just says it is what it is and they can’t go so we go without them.

@Rainbow03 If I was to play the Devil's Advicate here I would say your DD might feel like she's being left out of of this experience that the 'new' blended family unit are going on, if you go away without her? She is old enough for it to be a big deal, whereas the youngest is a toddler still? It's a delicate thing, and I have no experience of blending, but I would definitely put my DD's needs above that of a new partner. Some might disagree with that which I appreciate, it's just my own personal feelings.

That’s why I don’t want to go. They don’t seem to want to put her needs first but she is the one out of us all who will feel the most.

Cpuld a compromise be made where you go on a day trip or one night with the youngest (maybe something toddler appropriate that your DD might not be interested in amyway?) and then also do a short break all of you together.

@BustyLaRoux it's a form of grief ending a relationship, whatever the reasons were 🫂

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore This is the only break with these family members. I really want her to feel part of it but I know I can’t make others feel the same way (which is a shame). I’d rather not go and live with the guilt. But then my partner wants to go as it’s his family. I hate having feelings sometimes, someone upset whatever I choose but I’d it be him and not my child. I don’t want to hear the you are making me choose between my family and you. He can go on his own but I know be won’t.

It's a really tricky one @Rainbow03 completely get the feeling of not wanting to upset anyone. Do you think your DD is keen to go?

@Rainbow03 I would be exactly the same as you. I would fight my DDs corner and say her not being able to go is totally out of her control (unless she can see her Dad another date instead?) and so we would need to change the date to accomodate her too.

No her dad’s visits are also a non controllable issue because of his work. This is literally how I have worded it. This is all out of her control and the date really is the only thing that is controllable. We can’t afford to go twice either so if we go with them then we don’t have the money to go again. But the family member will not budge on the date because they are so rigid thinking. For me it’s simple, we don’t go and they go have a good time without us as they wouldn’t be effected by this (most people would but not these).

@Rainbow03 I wouldn’t go - and this will give a very big message to your DD that you love her, you have her back and that she is an equal member and is always considered. How old is she? Sorry if you’ve said already!

She is almost 9. She doesn’t know, I haven’t said anything as I don’t want her to feel like she is the reason we aren’t going. It will just go ahead without us all anyway. It’s very odd as the place is a kids place so in my eyes all the kids should be able to go (4 in total with ours)

Would it be possible for you to take over the arranging and do all the faff that comes with changing the date. Is it a ‘logistics’ overwhelm thing that’s causing the blockage and inflexibility?

I’ve given a couple of extra dates but they have said they can’t do those. They have their heart set on one date and have created all the reasons why and it’s not changeable.

That’s so frustrating. Well then they will need to go alone. ;)

It’s so difficult dealing with such rigid thinkers, they don’t play by the same rules and don’t think about the feelings of those around them. It’s either come or don’t come full-stop. Their answer is to come and don’t tell her… 1)I want to enjoy the family time with her (so should they) and 2) if she found out what then, she missed out and was lied to be her family! Lovely! Will be a no and partner will have to deal with it and I’ll have to listen to how it’s unfair to the little one to miss out.

I’ve been lurking again, thanks for the collective thoughts on why some people resist being the one to break up the family. That’s me.

im going to try counselling by grok, see if i can work out why!

the main issue is financial. I stayed at home with kids, we had abut ten years of illness to manage (which I did alone) and now my earnings have collapsed to not nearly enough.

my plan is to spend the year increasing what I earn and working out why I haven’t left before - and then moving on.

it’s very sad.

It is very sad but hopefully the counselling will help with the guilt.

I'm planning on doing the same myself and hoping to find a good therapist (if I can afford it!) to help with the process.

I’m skint and really can’t justify counselling - which is my excuse to avoid going. I don’t want to face the fact that I have said the same thing for over 20 years and he has ignored it every time. He seems to recognise that I need some sort of physical and emotional intimacy, that you can’t really be married in your own, he promises change and nothing actually changes. So here we are, I’m bitter and resentful and even if he changes it all today if think “why couldn’t you have done that yesterday? Or a decade ago? Or the first time I said it?”

the marriage is dead, I do not want to be sad. I want my own little place where I can play music and stamp about and crash cutlery when I put it away and hoover anytime I like and have friends round and laugh and laugh and laugh.

what have I done? It was such a waste

I'm skint too @Seriestwo and I think the NHS only offer CBT which is not what I need. I had some counselling last year through a semi private health insurance H has taken out for us, it helped a bit to help me look at my own needs more and feel less guilty about wanting to separate. But I think what I need is something that goes a bit deeper, perhaps psychotherapy or something trauma focused.

@Seriestwo what have you done? Nothing apart from being a human being like the rest of us, flawed, hopeful, loyal, empathetic. How many relationships end, absolutely millions and millions. We have to make the best from what we have, when we have it, how much we have of it.

Yes, I think what I need isn’t really counselling but a good scream. I was cheated, he promised to love and cherish me and he didn’t. I hoped for a while that he’d have an affair, but that would require going out of the house and he doesn’t need that. He wants to sit in his particular chair playing his particular computer game with the door shut and no noise from me and the kids.

he can have that, easily, but he says he loves us and wants us. He probably believes it too.

you’re right, Rainbow. I wanted to leave about 10 years ago, but I also wanted a clear conscience. I have that now. So it wasn’t wasted time, I won’t have any regrets, it’s just going to be a big effort to get myself financially independent and with a deposit for a flat.

This time next year, I shall have my own mantelpiece and I shall have flowers on it. Daffodils, I think: those are cheering

@Seriestwo I gave my ex 12 years of marriage and my absolute best shot but he was the one uncontrollable issue that I eventually realised I had no control over (despite trying my heart out). I have no regrets leaving the relationship despite how hard it was and how my oldest wishes us back together. I don’t know what it is that we hold onto because the relationship isn’t real anyway it’s just a projection, a hope a comfort a wish but it certainly is not a mutual connection.

Gosh, that’s insightful, thanks.

No, it’s not real. I saw old friends recently, hadn’t seen them for a couple of years (he didn’t come, of course) she said “he’s your friend in his own way” and I realised he’s not even my friend.

we are in a legally binding marriage. He seems to like the respectability of that. I don’t give a shit, I’ve spent a lot of time and effort trying to rescue this to no avail.

ita like my marriage has a theme tune of The Corrs “what do I do to make you love me?” Nothing. There is nothing to be done.