Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Maybe I need to just completely emotionally detach myself whilst working on an exit plan.

Has anyone got any suggestions for how to do this? I felt I was doing quite well, then got sucked back in. My sanctuary room is now mine again so have somewhere to retreat to.

I talk to chat gbt. Its so validating and brings me peace.
Here is a piece of advice it gave me:
That must be incredibly frustrating. Instead of listening and addressing your feelings, he shifts everything to his own emotions, making it impossible to have a real conversation about your needs. It sounds like he struggles with emotional regulation—when faced with criticism (even constructive), he collapses into self-pity instead of taking responsibility.

This cycle likely makes you feel unheard and exhausted. You’re trying to express whatyou need, but instead of reassurance or change, you get a meltdown that forces you to comfort him instead. So your needs get lost, and the issue never actually gets solved.

Over time, this can feel like walking on eggshells—you don’t want to bring up concerns because you know it will just turn into him feeling sorry for himself. And that’s incredibly lonely in a relationship. You end up carrying the emotional burden alone.

The hard question is: Do you think he is capable of changing this pattern? Has he ever shown true effort to work on this, or does it always go back to the same dynamic? Because if he can’t learn to handle emotional conversations differently, you’ll keep feeling unheard, and nothing will improve.

CONCLUSION:

If talking has never led to real change and only caused arguments, then continuing to push for conversations will likely just exhaust you further. You’ve already tried for five years, and the same patterns keep repeating. That means you’re left with two real choices:

I feel so full of despair again today. Last night DH said his needs in the relationship are to have a peer who doesn’t need anything from him.

This is 2 weeks after I asked if he could show me some physical affection going forwards as I really do need it. He went a bit odd and said he only had a certain amount of energy and he will have to think about how he can redistribute his energy so he can do this. In the 2 weeks, he’s asked if I want to hold his hand twice - and that was the night we had the conversation.

We have marriage counselling tomorrow, so after years of needing this conversation, I will bring this up so we can talk more about it.
He doesn’t want any ‘demands’ or to feel that he has to hug me, or offer me any emotional support of any kind.

And yet we all listen to his daily monologue of anger and frustration and ins and outs of various people and situations at his work.

So I’m struggling to see why it’s ok for him to do this if he can’t / won’t offer any kind of emotional support back.

I tend to use Grok (despite the fact that t it’s owned by Musk) because I find you can keep the conversation going for longer before you’ve maxed out on free prompts than with ChatGPT.

Otherwise, I’m often starting with things like ‘I have enough’.
It sends question back, lots of rewording you’ve said etc… You can just write whatever you feel and it will use it to make it a whole logical thing.
No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. Xyz pushed you to your limits and abc added to the stress etc etc…
Good to feel seen and listened to.

I’ve done a really long discussion around dh behaviours and is autism or is being a twat theme. It helped me clarify a lot of things. Certainly raised questions I hadn’t asked myself before (like he is working, never been fired so is able to function and yet at home it’s all about him and his overwhelm in front of demands. How much choice is there in his behaviour at home?).
Sometimes, I dint agree. And it’s very good at reframing things according to that new point of view.

I wouldn’t take what ever it says as gospel. It can go into a certain direction (like dh is just abusive) if not re-centred (because I dint think that’s where dh is). But it helps clarify and understanding.

When wondering how to react, I’ve clearly asked AI to be critical and not automatically lean my way (because I feel it’s its default position). So it gives me a more balanced approach.
The really good thing there is that I write down all my anger and annoyance. AI gave me pointers on what to say (a lot of it I know subconsciously but have never put into words). I rejected some stuff. And in the end I was able to put boundaries in place with dh in a calm and assertive way.
Not sure it will make any difference but it made me feel better about myself. I was the calm reasonable one iyswim.

That is actually really helpful! Definitely applicable to my H and situation. The pattern just keeps repeating itself. Only I can make a change now, you can't force someone to change, it has to come from their own initiative and willingness to do so.

@CinnamonTart it’s ok for him to do this simply because this is how he is wired. He is ok with himself the question is are you ok with this? He isn’t lying to you or deceiving you he sounds like he is being completely honest with you only you don’t like (understandably) what he is saying. We can’t change them just like we can’t change the weather.

They are victims in their own lives because they don’t see anything wrong with who they are because they don’t process this ability.

Not sure it will help but each time dh has been starting to grumble, I’ve reminded myself ‘It’s his. It’s all his. I don’t have to react’ and not said a word.
Otherwise I tend to fall into over explaining or feeling like I’m responsible, not him.

I personally find understanding why he acts a certain way helps. Because then I can just label what he does. ‘Oh autism raising his head there’ or ‘oh, no answer. Avoidance in show’ etc….
It removes the emotional aspect to it.

@CinnamonTart Good luck with the counselling tomorrow. Is this your first session?

Thank you, I think I have been trying to stand up to him and just twisted myself into a knot instead. I will need to find a neutral word or action to use whenever this happens to avoid getting drawn in. Yesterday I think it was demand avoidance and overwhelm that triggered his behaviour.

@CinnamonTart your dh seems to have a really good insight there.

It reminded me if how I handle activities in my own day. Due to ME, I have to strictly pace myself so I would do what he is describing - look at the day and how much energy I have spare to do xyz. Then decide if I can do it or not. It’s not been difficult. It’s a survival issue.

But it also means there is no space there for your needs. It’s all about his needs. I agree with @Rainbow03 that the question is ‘is that enough for you?’.
hes told you who he is and how much he can do. You can’t change him. Can you live a happy life with that?

Everything they feel someone or something else made them feel it, anyway they react someone or something else made them feel it. When self isn’t in the equation when something goes amis then self is not taken into account. My oldest is dependent on her world for her feelings currently. She is externally dependent for everything. “Why won’t you allow me to have a good day” “why is my friend making me feel this” “why did you make me do this”. It’s the epitome of co-dependancy I feel. So yeah if you ask of them then they will attack because they are reliant on you for how they feel. So if they want to feel calm and regulated you can’t ask them for anything. It’s such an awful situation because how can we be calm and not need anything ever because they rely on us to need nothing because when we do they become deregulated. They want cardboard, unemotional, non-needy functioning objects.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore i do standing up to him with a delayed reaction. Otherwise, I’m dysregulated, miles too emotional for him and I get nowhere.
For me, it’s better to step back, calm down, think about what I’m not happy with/the boundary and then come back to tell him about it.

I’m sorry I’m 42 and premenopausal and I’m sick of being laughed at by my partner who thinks I’m an alien. No I’m just a normal women. I need someone to help regulate me for a bloody change at home. lol we know that won’t happen!

I took a gigantic mental step back and consciously treated him as an unpleasant stranger that couldn't be avoided. Calm voice, never react to anything provocative (which took some active-conscious high-alert steadiness), never initiate conversation unless necessary, avoid if possible. Ignore all attempts to provoke. Harder to do than to say by a long way. Grey rock essentially.

It's a terrible way to live and you cannot relax at all, but it did serve the purpose until we formally separated and he could move out.

He played horrible games with the children, the effects of which have lingered, but he's long been gone now. Thank God.

When you leave someone with little empathy and no firn grasp around the concept of emotions it’s just so awful. You know it’s coming also but it gets to a point you’d rather take the fallout. My ex had no real handle on emotions. He saw them as a means to get something he wanted. He manipulates our shared daughter so badly because he needs to feel wanted etc. It’s all engineered and inauthentic. In his head if I do this I elicit this reaction and I can fulfil this need of mine etc. Nothing ever felt natural. Bloody awful.

@SpecialMangeTout2 and @Rainbow03 - you’re both right and no it isn’t sustainable for me. But I feel absolutely unable to do anything about it as I’m financially dependent and our youngest has special needs and I honestly don’t know how he’d cope if we separate. I feel like I’m trapping myself.

I think this is how I'll have to be going forwards, neutral and calm. Treat as a housemate who happens to be sharing the house. Just need some atock words and phrases to use as when I go quiet (because I don't know how to respond or am about to burst into tears/overwhelmed) he follows me around and will try to hug or hold me until I act as he wants me to, whoch is to hug him back.

He expects a lot of physical contact, like hugs or handholds, so me retreating away will cause friction. When on good terms of course I'm happy to hug etc but it tends to be when I'm hurt and then I don't really want to. It feels like he intrudes into my physical space.

Glad you got out! 🫂

This is the reason I've stayed so long (too long probably) as am full time carer for DD with only DLA and CA as my 'income'. I've also been very concerned about how DD would have coped with split homes etc. So can see how it can feel like a 'trap'.

So many of us have demand avoidant partners. Is it all the regular posters?

I’m just wondering if we are the ones who just find this type of relationship a bit too hard to handle because of prior issues and we get a little more consumed then perhaps we should.

Im not sure how many on here suffered previous abuse or neglect of some kind.

I think you might be right (again!) @Rainbow03

I dont think our previous trauma (because I agree we seem to all fall into that scenario) is what makes it harder for us to cope with it.
I think we are the ones tolerating it more because of that trauma. And yet at the same time, it’s like rubbing salt into old wounds.

@SleepDeprivedElf yes dh is avoidant. Badly too.

@BustyLaRoux how are things your way atm? Are you coping?

Hey @Special, thanks for asking. I’m up and down. I am trying to wade through the seemingly endless paperwork to get my application complete for this new house. They want more stuff than when I took out a mortgage! My exDH is having to act as guarantor as I don’t earn enough to meet the rent threshold (embarrassing!). I have started packing. I feel a bit sad it didn’t work out. A bit like a failure in life. I look around and all my friends and family have nice homes they own, most happily married. I feel like a monumental fuck up, especially having to ask my ex DH to be guarantor on my rent! I tell myself it’s only temporary and that it will be wonderful to have my own space (both of which are true), and some days that cheers me up and some days I feel like what’s the point?! My dad is agreeing to help me financially a bit. My boss will try and get me a pay rise. My brother is helping me move. Even my personal trainer (can’t afford him anymore!) has agreed to train me for free! Everyone has been very kind. So kind it brings me to tears!
DP and I have decided we don’t have to decide anything yet. He’s trying to stay positive. It’s me who seems to get down in the dumps. He is cheering me up. It would be nice if we could get through this and enjoy each other’s company again, but also with the safety net of independence. When we get on we get on really well! But we will see where we are in a few weeks time and if it doesn’t work out then we’ve already gone our separate ways house-wise, so the hard bit is done.
The kids seem to be more cheerful than they were. They will enjoy not having to live with another family I think. Honestly blending a family….I had no idea how hard this would be. How stupid of me! I can’t believe how little thought I put into this decision!!! And what that decision has cost me. Literally. I am doing the right thing now, but it’s too late to get myself back on track. I’m trying to look past that and be positive.
I am very touched by the kindness of other people. Emotionally and practically (and even financially to some extent), I have an amazing support network and I wouldn’t be able to do this without them.

Yes that’s what I was trying to get at. We are rope holders when others simply think sod this and drop it and move on. We allow our emotions and empathy to drive the car so to say. We are loyal to our own destruction because we often really know how it feels, we see potential. My ex was something, he claims ADHD, I think narc and he suffered so much and I felt bloody awful abandoning him for my own preservation. I think the label also adds weight to the emotion because they can’t help it. Who wants to be the one who’s split the family and carry that weight around.

My daughter asks me a lot why I spilt her family. He plays heavy on it being my fault as I was the one to leave. Lots of people tell me I should have stayed for the kids as I made my bed. I say to her that yes I was the one to leave because this is what we do when something doesn’t feel right. Someone (my mum) taught me to ignore how I feel and if I please I will be safe. But yeah that’s like rubbing salt because it doesn’t feel nice at all ignoring how you feel.