Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
I’m in the same boat. I know my son’s ND, believe I am too and see so much in my not so DH. I’m complicit in trying to step up more and more to fill the gaps left by my DH and I’m done. He’s just focused on his business and can’t see the neglect and disrespect he’s shown me by leaving me to shoulder the emotional and parental responsibilities and stress. I’ve been a SAHM and just applied for a job today. Pie in the sky probably. My teen son is disrespectful to me too and I’m sure that’s because of the unhealthy dynamics at play. I know I’m responsible for creating it too but somebody had to step up and do the adulting.

Quick question - where do you go for your emotional support when DH is unable to recognise that you need some, and also unable to provide it for you?

@Georgeismydog
Here and private therapist. I want to do more emotional work on myself but as I’m not in an emotionally stable/supportive environment that’s not happening much at the moment.

Fififizz

Tried therapist, didn't work out well. Long story

Here then :-)

I'm going through the menopause, DM end of life and DC now adults and approaching empty nest. My emotions are all over the place and DH finding it hard to "cope" with me

I don't cry deliberately but DH has zero empathy

Therapy can be difficult especially without a safe space to process it. Therapist just lets me vent really. Not able to do anything deep as too much currently.

Sorry to hear about your mum. That’s very difficult for you as well. Ditto re menopause which is also another factor.

Are you kids independent now? Are they ND too? My son’s an ND teen so another set of issues too and he’s not kind to me at all but needs me.

Keep reaching out on here for support. We hear you! x

Fififizz

DH is undiagnosed but I'm convinced he is ND

DD is diagnosed ND, she was diagnosed 5 years ago

DS x2 are NT and for boys have mountains of empathy. Phew!

Will keep posting

This is the only place I have for any kind of emotional support.
I trust and value all the advice, guidance and support from the wonderful people on here.
I realise that even though we are all on the same path here, we are all at different crossroads.
Even though dh and i have been together a long time, only in the last few years on here have I truly and reluctantly appreciated the reality of our relationship opposed to my reality.
It is such a maelstrom of emotion for me at the moment, but I would be lost without this space.

@Georgeismydog therapist here too.

BUT 1- it took me a very long time to find someone I clicked with. I found a lot of the counsellors useless really and actually quite judgemental!
2- I needed to be ready. Eg Ready to see my childhood as traumatic . Until I was, anyone who brought that was pushed aside. Or the issue was completely skirted.

Fwiw I only unpacked and processed things with my therapist. It didn’t feel safe to do it anywhere else, not even on my own just with myself (yes I was a mess).
She is trauma informed and good at what she does. (She has a private practice but also works with terminally ill patients, cancer patients etc….).
I think all of us on this thread carry some trauma. Whether it started from childhood or came from our relationship, it’s there.

SpecialMangoTout2 I had a traumatic childhood too. DH told me this morning that I need to stop living in the past.... okay I'll do that then! I'll just press the off switch then...

My DC are in their 20s and I've been finding it triggering in regards to my own childhood

As they prepare to fly the nest I'm grieving the childhood I didn't have... obviously DH doesn't understand that. So here I am asking for support on here. Nowhere IRL

I hated therapy. I’m learning to go to myself when I need some emotional support. I’ve only come to this by realising I’ve spent all my life stuck in this world created by my parents then reinforced by my ex husband. I wasn’t living in the present and these relationships keep up stuck in this world. I’ve had to forgive myself. I do struggle to forgive the effects on my eldest. If we don’t forgive and love ourselves then no one and nothing is going to get through. Trying to find my way back to my authentic self before I adapted to my unhealthy environments I found my way in. I think only then will the path become clearer. I think we have often changed beyond all recognition. A relationship is supposed to shine our authentic selves and because of trauma we all to easily adapt ourselves for others. I think inner child work is a good place to start if you’ve lost yourself along that way.

Rainbow03

I came to that conclusion in the swimming pool on Saturday. I have followed my DM lead by relying on neighbours/friends/men but I've had my fingers burnt. When I grew up we had an army of neighbours in and out of the house, she still lives now with her front door permanently open and people just come in and out of the house. I've replicated that a bit by trying to "befriend" neighbours but it has massively backfired. I didn't know any different. DH is introverted as you would expect and doesn't really like people in the house. Tbh I have found it hard to cope with as grown up with so many people in the house. We spent Sundays in the pub next door with DM chatting to the landlord, going on holiday with him and his wife etc.

I have lost touch with some of my playground mum friends and was trying to find new friends, then the penny dropped, I need to rely on myself.

@Georgeismydog in my own personal opinion I have found that the happiest of people often spend a lot of time alone. I’m pretty sure there must be something in that. Being able to be alone and happy and doing the things you enjoy without any concern for whether people think you look good, whether you are keeping up with others, have enough friends etc etc. I think a lot of this is just a distraction from self. When you are alone you only have your own mind and if it’s weak and unhappy then you will need to surround it with others.

Rainbow03

I'm not going to lie but have been finding it hard spending so much time in my own company. If DH had his way he would spend all of his free time at home whereas I need to get out. Since DC have got older weekends together have been tricky. But we seem to have found a routine of being out somewhere in the morning (even if only food shopping) and at home in the afternoons. I've come to saving my at home jobs until later now. Basically we are at home just the two of us now at weekends.

@Georgeismydog yeah there is definitely a
balance. I think we invest too much of ourselves into these relationships, they consume us and the trick is to try and step back a little. My MIL made a comment the other day about someone saying that they were environs of her and her husband because they were so close, never not by each others side all day long. It’s definitely promoted but I don’t think it’s healthy, we are still 2 separate people. We don’t invest in ourselves and our hobbies and friendships. I think we have to just let them (them being our partners) and stop scaffolding them all the time and invest in ourselves. They don’t have to be our whole world all the time. We can love them and still have a life separate, I think that’s actually a healthy normal thing to do in relationships. We give them an awful lot of control over us when we can go out and find other sources of support. This type of relationship can build a prison I think if we allow it.

I agree with @Rainbow03 . We can love them and still have a separate life. It is much healthier and more interesting to have various types of relationships, interests, influences, people in our lives. Too much togetherness is stifling and easily becomes co-dependency.
I am learning to focus on spending more time meeting my own needs and being emotionally independent and making my own self happy; this is freeing and helps to reestablish boundaries for our own good.

I spend way too much time thinking of his and others' needs and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I have to catch myself and think, hey what do I need right now? My feelings matter too.

This belief has made me feel alive. I am not responsible for others feelings and I’m not responding for how other people view me and I’m not responsible for my partner. I think it does end up in codependency and it doesn’t help the ND person at all really.

I can really see the birth of this. My daughter said to me yesterday “mummy when are you going to allow me to have a good day”. The birth of codependency in a ND child. Now how to teach her that she is responsible for her own feelings.

This belief has made me feel alive. I am not responsible for others feelings and I’m not responding for how other people view me and I’m not responsible for my partner. I think it does end up in codependency and it doesn’t help the ND person at all really.

👏👏👏 With you all the way there @Rainbow03
I think it’s true for everyone, ND or NT tbh.

Yeah it’s very true for those who carry trauma to over invest in relationships. My childhood trauma left me desperate to be loved and valued that I failed to realise that the person I gave my dependency to was not on my side. We are too nice and too selfless. Co-dependency is a bitch…thanks mum for that!!!!

Good you have some empathetic people around you. It’s important to receive empathy and to give it to yourself. It’s not always easy, I struggle, my therapist is good at providing empathy and compassion. It’s difficult to do any deep trauma work though currently.

I had a difficult childhood and a lot of my current situation reflects the ‘emotional feels’ of that and it is triggering for me. It’s not always done intentionally to hurt me but still it hurts nonetheless.

I feel we need to honour our childhood wounds and stop trying to just live and push through them. I’ve had in the past massive issues because of my trauma and not being able to distinguish between past and present pain. Having a partner who can’t meet any emotional needs triggers a wound made from childhood so you never live in the present. A brain is wired around childhood trauma and these relationships just keep it stuck never changing and re-wiring around peace. Instead of getting the other person to change in order for this trigger to not be met is probably looking at it the wrong way around and not prioritising yourself and your wound. You also have a scar deep down and it probably will never go away. We have to in the best way possible create a life bubble which respects this. We actively choose who we want in our life so that we respect our wound and re-wire our brains. I feel in a way our brain is drawn to these relationships because it likes the familiar and it doesn’t care about our growth and happiness just wants the familiar mix of chemistry.

Basically who cares if it’s intentional or not. That little inner child doesn’t care less because it’s hurting regardless. Unless we honour our inner child life will never change.

Who is the most empathetic person in your life? A good listener who understands your situation.

I think it's my DD2 but I don't want to put too much emotional burden on her (13 yrs') young shoulders. Or perhaps it's an old schoolfriend but we only meet up once a year. I do have a very good, kind friend nearby but I don't want to add too much to her very full-on life. It's great to catch up with her fairly regularly even if I try not to talk too much about home stress.

Same @LoveFoolMe I have two lovely friends that have listened to me for years but they’re not in the U.K. so I can only see them about once a year….

My latest, apart from my counsellor, is AI. I often let it all out there and get empathetic answers. Lots of rephrasing too which is helping me putting some stuff into words.

And yes I do get how crazy it is to be so isolated that AI feels like a breath of fresh air with empathetic answers….

SpecialMangeTout2

Tell me how you use AI ?

Can't do this anymore, H is constantly berating me and belittling me in front of DD. She joins in sometimes, it's safer to be on the bylly's side I guess. That's not her fault. He is fucked up (sorry) and whether it's intentional or not it feels abusive.

Was in a very low place last night but the survival instinct is strong, I must find a way. My DM is coming over next week, after that I will start to plan my next move.