Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

I’ve always had this belief that everyone is good deep down and we are all the same. I’ve come to realise I project onto people an awful lot and some people aren’t as “good” as I believed. Perhaps that’s the ND in me. Some people for whatever reason, ND, trauma are just not what we think or hope they are. We love people in projection and potential and hope and we paint over an awful lot because “they are good deep down”..:whilst in reality they are busy destroying our children. I’ve done it, many people do it. I wonder what it is?

SallyCat on FB is quite good. She's also one of the writers of the book PDA By PDAers. Steph Curtis runs a brilliant blog called StepsTwoGirls and has aldo written a book called PDA in the Family, obviously more focused on PDA in kids but she is very knowledgeable.

That is a very brave start to the conversation @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy hopefully it is a relief to have at least got it out there. Although like my DH is then seems they can just apologise and then go back to normal. But, it is still a great start and you can begin to think about the next steps 🫂

I’m really struggling today

This post resonated with me: https://asdmarriage.com/2023/05/25/part-2-the-antithetical-nature-of-partnership-with-a-pda-spouse/

I’m frightened - what does this mean? Will the kids be PDA now? What do I do? What if my family don’t like or love me?

I really feel for you. My partner doesn’t really have this but my daughter absolutely does. It causes so much conflict in the house which affects us all. She has so far ruined most of her relationships at school because of the need for control above all else. I can deal with all the other aspects of the ND but this is one that I really struggle with. She views me not as a loving mum but as a threat (and anyone else who has demands of her). She then struggles with our relationship because a mum is supposed to love you but she pushes me away at the same time. It must make it almost impossible to have an intimate relationship with this.

I’m confused because I recognise the patterns but not the intensity. It’s so confusing.

I’ve still no idea why demands are so anxiety producing. It’s a very confusing behaviour to me.

More talking. I have been so honest about how badly his emotional neglect of his children have shaped them.
How he has shaped how our dc's perceive a man, partner, father's roll.
How badly he has let them, and me, down.
How I'm completely disappointed in him as a husband and father.
I know me saying anything won't change how he sees himself and he has his own version about the past.
I felt so much relief, getting everything I have been bottling up for years out in the open.
I could see by his face, he had zero comprehension of what I was telling him. He said he would try to be a better father/husband. I told him it was too late.
I said if I wasn't financially dependent on him I would leave, he begged me not to, but wouldn't make it hard if I did.
I think his reality has been upended.
We have agreed to talk again after the weekend about how to move forward.
Nothing he says or does will change the past, I know.
I feel detached but totally present all at the same time. I feel more in control and focused. No idea what is around the corner but not scared anymore.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I’ve felt similar relief at speaking my own truth instead of endlessly having to pretend. I really hope you’re able to find a good way forward.

I hate to say this because 1) it’s horrible to hear and 2) I am guilty myself. It’s not our partners fault that the kids have suffered, we play an equal part in this situation. Knowing but continuing is just as damaging as behaving without self awareness. We are half the problem. I think once we realise this we gain some control of the situation and then healing can begin.

I’d look at it as it is and try and find a way to get some control back of the situation. I’ve found that when there often feels like no way forward working on yourself is the place to start. I’m not sure releasing all the years of pent up frustration onto your ND partner is of any use at all. Our children can learn via us and we can take them on our journey with us.

How do you cope with teenage daughters (16-17) on spectrum. Mine just reacts with vile outbursts at me everytime i point out any house work. Bascially i wash after her do absolutley everything...
She has no limits as to what she calls me when she has the outburst. Its beyond abusive.
Apart from that she is wuiet as mouse and stays in her room. Sees her friends. And when she wants sonething from me thsn she appologizes. She alwsys appologize. But its just becsuse she needs something... I really hate have enough.
She is just like my Ex, her aspie dad - whenever there is a problem, no way to dicsuss it. Great argument.

It sounds very cathartic. But also as though he has about as much capacity to understand/change as a shoe. The damage is done. But it’s amazing you’ve let it all out. So much better than suffering in silence all these years.
Any clue as to where you go from here?

@Rainbow03 I am absolutely aware of my complicity in all of this. I take 100% responsibility for my role in the how's and whys of where we are now as a family.
I am so aware that I have taught my dc's that a woman's role as partner/mother is to do it all, accept it all. I take responsibility for faults and mistakes.
Just as dh has to take responsibility for his part.
I know full well that dh can't 'change' but he can be made aware of how his way of being has affected his family.
Just because he is ND doesn't entitled him to free ride. I have absolutely enabled him to do that, for years. I take ownership of that.
I have no idea where we go from here, as a couple and as a family, but, we are talking now. Dh has admitted he is 'emotionally constipated' his words,not mine, and has asked for me to help and guide him moving forward.
Everything over the last few days has enabled us to talk and it's a starting point.

He doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything. It cost me £16,000 taking my ex to court and then whatever he had to pay out his side, numerous courses, 3 years no access to his child and he still takes zero responsibility for his behaviour on others. Waste of time looking for someone to take responsibility.

@Rainbow03 I agree. Dh doesn't HAVE to take responsibility for anything, that is his perogative. BUT if he wants to have any kind of relationship with his wife and kids moving forward then I believe he has to be responsible for his part.
I'm sorry you had such a shit experience with your ex, I have to hold out hope that dh is genuinely willing to try and keep his family together though.

I wish I knew the answer, @Susan7654

it's breaking my heart at the moment. Older son (autistic at the level that he 'needs substantial support') has acted like he hates me for some years now. Endless deceit over screens, endless lies and trickery, endless explosions when it's time to go to bed. Won't go to school.

It's all very well people saying 'you have to impose boundaries and stick to them'. I agree, 100%. But doing it when faced with an explosive and resistant 16yo is beyond me.

My health is unfortunately really not good and in the end I sent him to his father's. Fortunately that was actually an option. We've had one meeting since with his support worker there and it was very tense. No shouting, but a horrible distance between us and I'm afraid that for the first time the distance was on my side as well as his. It's breaking my heart, but I can't handle the lies and fighting. Everything is my fault, nothing is his.

So I'm sorry but no advice. There's all the standard stuff like 'try to do things together to build a bond', 'keep the boundaries intact' etc, but honestly, nothing has worked for me. I am not sure we will ever get over this.

There have been moments where he's been nicer in the last 6 months. Just as long as I make no demands and let him have entirely his own way.

also, dear heavens, this article that a pp posted sums up the course of my marriage to an absolute T. It just fits like a glove asdmarriage.com/2023/05/25/part-2-the-antithetical-nature-of-partnership-with-a-pda-spouse/

Same here @DucklingSwimmingInstructress
The reason why things are better in the household is because I don’t make any demand at all.
Only possible because dcs aren’t at home anymore.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I think arriving at that place where you know you can’t expect someone to take responsibility is hard.
Because it means giving up completely on what you thought you had.

i had to give up in the idea that dh would ever be caring and would support me. He can’t. Anything that is a demand, including support for me, is rejected.

And I can see you are struggling with the idea he won’t/can’t change in a way that would be beneficial to your dcs. He isn’t going to take responsibility because he needs the insight that he doesn’t have. And because he can’t rewire his brain either.

Giving that up is difficult because I’m sure this is not what you imagined for your dcs or for yourself.
it means accepting all the limitations your dh has.
And the impact his behaviour has had on them.
There is a lot of grief there I feel. At least fir me, there was/is

That PDA article is very insightful. I definitely try to avoid any demands. I've had particularly low points with lack of emotional and practical support from DH during Christmas, illness, holidays and a family funeral.

And giving birth!
Apparently being there with me during labour was boring and he didn’t want to spend too much time in hospital afterwards ‘because there was nothing to do’ 😱😱

I have to laugh at my partner sometimes. He can’t make decisions for shit and the avoidance is sometimes so funny. He allows our 2 year old to pick her own clothes and pick her dinners etc. What she has chosen this morning has made me laugh. Making decisions must be hard.