Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

It is funny how life’s cards affect us and our needs. Someone wants a big house, another a small. People tell me I’ve lived and experienced and there is a positive in this yet id give anything to have had the life of someone who hadn’t. It feels as if we live in relation to all the events that happen and the “dream” becomes somewhat irrelevant. I thought life was different to this but it feels like it’s all luck and circumstance. I have decided quite recently that I must try and be happy with things as I go through this life and stop dwelling on what I think I should have. It is hard.

I'm sorry your DF is making it even harder for you @BustyLaRoux It's very similar to how my DF would react, so can see how hard that would be.

As someone who grew up cherishing the day the IKEA catalogue came in the post I can relate to the dreaming of decorating houses and living somewhere beautiful. Yet the most beautiful place I've lived was the Key Worker flat I moved into after I fled my hortid ExH. It was quite basic and the kitchen units were awful but I made it my safe and cosy place. It was tidy, smelt great, and I chose all the stuff for it myself. White with jewel colour accents. It was beautiful. Your cottage will be beautiful too!!

I have also gone through life with no supporters. It is not a nice way to live and I think having people support you makes life so much better. No one knew I divorced my ex, no one congratulated me when the 3 years of court was over, no one knew the abuse or was with me after my operations because of what he did. No one knows. I’m not even sure if these are things people congratulate you over, after all it was my own silly choices that lead to having to do those things. I think it leaves a void in you having supporting parents and partners. I desperately want people to see me but then I also hate the idea as I’m ashamed of many of the stupid things I’ve done.

These shitty fathers have got a lot to answer for!

My father was great…my mother on the other hand everyone was scared of.

I'm so sorry you had no supporters, that is a lit to go throughby yourself. You absolutely haven't made silly choices and it's not your fault so there shouldn't be the feelings of shame. Your exH was abusive, that was not your fault. Yet, I have felt shame too over similar life choices so I get it. But after many years of healing I now know it was not my fault. I was an undiagnosed autistic woman with bags full of trauma and an avid people pleaser.

@BustyLaRoux your description of your dad reminds me of my mum.
Except she’d probably have asked if I needed money (they can afford it).
Butcshe wouldn’t have been able to offer anything else. And yes it would have become about her rather than about me. That's why I never share much with her. It was the same when I was a child too. I had to adjust my emotions so she could cope.

She is NT. just very emotionally immature.

And yes it’s hard.
Did I say I’m having counselling? Which include childhood trauma?

Sounds like a description of myself. I had no idea I was ND and just thought I was wrong for a long time which was compounded by my ex husband who told me daily something was wrong with me. I wish to god I knew I was ND back then as I’m sure my life would have been a lot less traumatic. I am trying to leave the past in the past but trauma doesn’t really follow that and some of my memories just scare the hell out of me. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen.

Oh wow. Good for you! It’s a good step to working through some of this shit and the self destructive patterns of behaviour we have all adopted through childhood trauma (am dreading what I’ve done to my DC!)

I wish my father would offer my financial support. He cannot offer practical support (not that old but very unhealthy and in the doctor three times a week). He cannot offer emotional support (incapable of recognising anyone other than him has emotions). He could offer financial support. I loaned my house deposit years ago and I am still paying him back. Though the money is all gone I make interest payments every month. The loan doesn’t go down. All I’m doing is giving him jnterest which I cannot afford. Think a couple of hundred a month. He would NEVER consent to letting me off this. Never. The only he could offer is financial support. And he won’t. He could afford it. But he still won’t.

@BustyLaRoux that’s bloody awful of him. My mum can offer no emotional support but she has helped me physically. This is part of the struggle I have with some ND people ( if it is even down to the ND part). Most ND people I know are able to distinguish their flaws and that it’s dysfunctional to their living. For example I know I’m too emotional, or should I say external things create sensations in me that are disproportionate and that have a negative effect on my wellbeing, I’ve zero resilience, forgetful etc. My partner on the other hand who’s very clearly autistic can see zero faults in himself and loads of faults in everyone else. It’s not a nice quality and feels narcissistic to really believe you are completely faultless. I don’t know how a person can’t see that they behaving unfairly. In my own case the hoarding, it’s so selfish yet they don’t see this at all. Is this a big difference between adhd and asd because my self awareness cripples me and he doesn’t have a care in the world.

We’ll blow me sideways. Dad has just messaged to say he is upset (par for the course!) and will let me off the interest payments for a few months. (I mean he will probably add them to what I owe him rather than write them off!) but he’s never given so much as £5 before so this is a turn up! It will help. Gosh things must be bad if my dad is offering financial help!

Hi, i am new here. Lots of issues. But first one: Does anyones Aspergers partner has problems with using your name? My partner can not use my name naturally, he has to force himself, so doesnt do it. He doesnt even call me by nickname, nothing...Suprisingly he calls me by my name only when we are argueing.
He thinks its ok the way he is, as when he is talking to me he doesnt have to use my name.
That was the reason we found out he is on the spectrum.

Yes my mother she has no diagnosis but after 50 years of trying to figure her out suspect she is autistic has trouble using my name. She is ok with other people while she is interested in them or they are doing what she wants after they they become the target of criticism and become he, she , they or them sometimes ‘that woman’. My children are her only grandchildren they are now ‘the chiildren’

I sometimes wonder also whether this is a male/female thing. A lot of the autistic ans ADHD men I know have very little awareness of their faults. But women spend so much time again using over theirs. I don’t want to generalise too much or come across as sexist. I just wonder if that might be adding to the dynamic of yoj and your DP.

Perhaps. His mum is very clearly asd also and is the same. She isn’t motherly at all and feels very masculine. My mum also has no self awareness and acts the victim all the time. Now I think about it I’ve never met a soft loving motherly women in my life. I must attract these cold people.

I wonder if it feels better to have no self awareness. You don’t know when or if you’ve upset people so you don’t worry about it or carry guilt though life. It must be easier? But then I suppose you blame everyone for all your feelings and that must be difficult especially if you’ve contributed.

Rainbow, have you looked at alexithymia? Might explain the difficulties with self awareness.

I think my partner might be PDA, does anyone have good resources for understanding this in adults? I think he suppresses this a lot.

@SleepDeprivedElf Yeah I definitely suspect this in my partner and his mum. I find it quite judgmental. I guess that’s because they blame other people for all feelings, not having the ability to check on their own behaviour. Do they have feelings like jealousy etc? Mine doesn’t appear to have any feelings apart from irritation. I wonder how it feels to not feel, it must be useful really because feelings get in the way a lot. I know my MiL finds me irritating with my emotions and everyone else really. She likes very controlled and monotone people.

I guess it fits him when framed as Pervasive Desire for Autonomy? I don’t recognise any resistance to everyday actions. But he has a really high need for autonomy, I wonder if that’s the reason he can’t be there for me when I really need him, as that’s a demand.

Sometimes he can be there, and then other times not (I can’t tell why). Being on the receiving end of such inconsistencies is really bothersome for me. So any additional patterns I can understand, really helps.

Yesterday i told dh i couldn't live like this anymore. I told him I was prepared to walk away with nothing rather than live like this.
I thought those words would be really hard to say, i have never said them aloud, for fear of what the consequences would be. Surprisingly I didn't really feel anything.
I told him I was heartbroken for our children and what his emotional neglect has done to them over the years.
He made all the right noises about being sorry and thanked me for making him aware of how self absorbed he has been 'lately'. He has been obsessing over his 'perceived' health woes for the last couple of months, basically shutting down to anything other than that topic of conversation.
He said he would talk to the kids and apologise. I stayed out of the way and left him to it. He did apologise to them for his behaviour over the 'last couple of months', due to his health woes. Completely missing the point. The last couple of months have just brought everything to a head for me. I know he has absolutely no clue of the damage done over the years and this apology has somehow erased all past hurts.
This morning I briefly asked the kids if dad's apology had made any difference. Dd: 'No, none whatsoever'
Ds: 'It's a start I suppose'
I am now in new unfamiliar territory. Dh knows i am prepared to leave him now, I also know he can't change who he is.
The only clarity I got was I think it may be 'To little to late'

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy that sounds like a lot for you, sending a big hug. It sounds like you have clarity. It was great that you managed to communicate with him. I’m sorry he missed the wider pattern with the kids 💔. I hope you can navigate a next step that makes you happy ❤️.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I doubt it will have the effect you are looking for. In the end we just have to leave because they have lived through a completely different history to the one we have. We are living in a different world unfortunately. You can’t make a person become a person they are not based on a set of behaviours they have no idea they are doing. The only way a person changes is because they feel their own behaviour clawing on them and they want to change it. Im sorry, it’s awful. You will have to carry all the burden and the weight of leaving because they won’t.

I guess this flags up the consequences of not feeling empathy and feeling guilt. We don’t always do the right things or know the right things but our feelings about a situation force us to change our behaviour. If a behaviour of mine was hurting someone I loved then the physical force of my feelings would make
me act. If you don’t have this then what makes you change? You simply don’t know how the way you behave makes a person feel. That’s how I have got to a position of forgiving my abusive ex in a way. He simply didn’t and doesn’t have this internal force effecting the way he behaved. It’s probably not his fault but I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it.