Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

I basically feel like I’m a single parent with a lodger who occasionally watches DC for a few hours but generally has no idea about routine etc. It’s not a great basis for co parenting if we were to split. I really worry.

However, I’ve read some posts in this thread and I really don’t want my DC to be damaged by our relationship and think this is the way to live. I don’t even feel we are friends anymore, there’s just nothing.

How do I deal with dh's apparent inability to communicate in any way with me or the kids.
He doesn't seem to need to converse at all. I don't think he has spoken one word to our dd in the last 2 days. He asked ds what was in the airfryer tonight, that's it though.
He says goodmorning to me, then doesn't say another word all day. We can be in the same room too.
I see the hurt and disappointment in the kids when they come home from school and he barely lifts his head away from his phone to say hi never mind ask them about their day.
I keep making excuses that it must be how he is wired and his adhd and the kids need to accept and understand.
But, how can he not want to talk to us? How is he not interested? Why doesn't he care.
I think I'm at the stage where I don't care what his reasons/ excuses/ justifications are. Why do we have to reason/excuse/justify his behaviour ?
It's fucking shit and I think i may hate him for it

No advice but this sounds horrible, I’m sorry. I can sympathise because DH never wants to talk to me about anything other than the practical (e.g asking what he can have for dinner, where is x, can I do y for him etc) or about DC - I can’t remember the last time he asked me anything about my day, took an interest in anything I’m doing. I’ve recently started a new job and he couldn’t care less, hasn’t asked me once about it. To be honest, I’ve stopped asking him things too really, so we often just sit in separate rooms in silence!

I’m almost embarrassed that my marriage is like this, how the hell did I end up here?

@BustyLaRoux great news! Of course it’s going to be a rollercoaster. You’ll have monkey brain going overtime if you’re anything like me! Do not get distracted by things like bigger houses. They can be gilded cages

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy as often gets said you don't need a reason to leave if you are unhappy then leave.
He may not be able to consciously control his behaviour, probably doesn't even register that he is so wrapped up in his own head that he ignores you. However regardless of the motivation this behaviour is soul destroying for you and the children.
If you can leave then do so, don't live like this, it's not healthy for you or your children and the danger is they learn this is ok and go on to repeat it with someone who is genuinely abusive rather than merely mentally absent. It sounds awful having to live with constant rejection, which is effectively what he's putting you through.
Your kids can accept that he has ADHD but they should not have to accept that being ignored is normal or pleasant. When they are older they can go Dad is shit, right now they think I must be shit because he isn't interested in me. That's his problem not theirs, but it's unlikely they are able to see that.

@Goldstar88 I am also embarrassed and ashamed that this is my life.
I hate that this is my kids life and by staying im somehow ok with all this.
@Pashazade If i could I would have left already. I'm not financially able to leave, but I don't know how much longer I can stay.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy please don't think I'm condemning you for staying as I appreciate how hard it must be if finances are what is stopping you from getting away. But I would say don't defend him to the children anymore teach them that it isn't acceptable. Let them know it's ok to recognise that he isn't capable but stop apologising for him, they must find it terribly confusing so let them know it's ok to not like the fact or find it acceptable that he ignores them.

Wow….

You’re quite right. No point. I wouldn’t want to live in this bigger house with them in it. I meant I wish I could afford it for me and my kids. Not that I wish we were all moving to it. I don’t wish that at all!!!!

And he’s only seen one house. The one I drove him to. I offered. I didn’t mind. We have vowed to try and help each other as much as we can. He’s going to help me move, lend me some cooking stuff (I have none!). I am happy to help him too. He is actually very kind. I mean he is a bully as well. I see him. But I am grateful for all and any help anyone can offer me right now. Emotional, practical, financial. I am not proud. I will take what’s offered. If I need it. Which I do this week and for the next few weeks.

I’m so sorry. I completely understand about not being able to leave. @Pashazade is spot on. Must be like constant rejection every day. I don’t think you should excuse it. Is it possible to accept something is what it is, but also not excuse it? Rather than excuse it “it’s just dad’s ADHD” could you acknowledge it’s shit but also that he can’t help it and isn’t likely to change. Acknowledge they are right to feel upset as it’s hurtful. It’s a difficult balance. My mum was an alcoholic and her behaviour was quite upsetting the last few years. I accepted it because I knew why she was like that and I knew it wasn’t her fault. And I found it less hurtful than my brother who couldn’t seem to accept it. Couldn’t understand how she could be like that. It hurt him much more than me, I think, because he struggled to accept it. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m probably not describing it very well.

Ideally you would be in a position to leave. But you can’t wave a magic wand. You have to find the next best alternative. Whatever that is. Hatred is understandable. But also kind of pointless. And damaging for you. Try and find your peace with what is. Though I realise that must be very very hard.

I too feels like I've 'justified' some of DH's behaviours which probably hasn't been great for DD. Nowadays I do call him out almost every time but it means I now sound like a contstant nag who is unreasonable. H just can't stop himself from saying really inappropriate things or getting huffy over small things.

Prime example of inappropriate comment: I spilt something on my top on Saturday and looked down on my chest area to see if there was a stain. H makes jokes about me showing off my bust, mimicking me in an almost suggestive manner. In a girly voice 'ohh look at my chest' kind of thing. All in front of DD at the dinnertable! I lost my cool and told him that was highly inappropriate. To which he responded that 'ohh mummy is going to tell me off later'. Really uncomfortable and I left the table with the excuse that I was going to wash up. I was so angry and upset and also felt humiliated that he behaves like this.

He literally has no filter of what is appropriate behaviour, it's like living with Benny Hill! So off-putting.

I think I'm reaching my limit, again.

Oh no @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore thats horrible in front of your DD! I would not like that either. He sounds very childish. Could he follow a rule? (Please do not make any comments related to sexual inuendo or sexual based humour in front of our daughter. Even if these are meant to be funny. These are not appropriate and will be confusing for her).

But yes, very annoying and humiliating. DP might do something like that. And I would have to say please no. Not appropriate. I Understand it was meant to be lighthearted but really please don’t. He would huff a bit for being told off, but would follow the rule in future so to speak.

Is your new bedroom sanctuary still full of DH’s stuff or has he moved it out now? Xx

He did apologise and could see it was inappropriate, BUT, we keep having these moments when he spurts stuff out without thinking or assessing if it's appropriate or not. Lack of impulse control perhaps. He does get huffy and childish about a lot of the time when called out but is choosing to apologise nowadays. Yet, I can't forget all the times when he hasn't. I do wonder if there is something more to it/ or even 'wrong' (as in psychosis or more dark) with him, as in personality disorder, rather than 'just' ND. As he is so verbally incontinent at times and also quite nasty and even insidious?!

My sanctuary is more sanctuary like again, H's stuff mostly moved and he bought and assembled wardrobes for me so it's now a calm dressing room with a relaxing reading nook to chill in. I qualified as a Colour Consultant/Stylist mamy years ago but never actually did it as a 'job', too self-conscious I guess. But the new room means I can maybe explore this as a virtual thing as now have somewhere inspiring to 'work in'. That and maybe get back to writing again.

Yes I feel embarrassed too and worried that by staying I'm sending DD the message that this is ok. It's hard 🫂

@BustyLaRoux

@pikkumyy77 has been forthright but she isn't entirely wrong, I'm afraid. You really have put up with extreme abuse, and I sincerely hope you can do the Freedom Programme and begin to see that.

Agree that The Freedom Programme is brilliant @DucklingSwimmingInstructress I've done it online for about £12. Also Why Does He Do That is available free online which is also quite illuminating.

It was more the suggestion I have been forced into sexual slavery which was deeply unhelpful (and not correct!). Also I think she thought I was lamenting not being able to move in with DP to the big house he was looking at. I wasn’t. I don’t want to live with them. I was sad I couldn’t afford a better house for me and my DC. I was comparing what he can afford with what I can afford and it made me feel a bit shit. I stayed with him for a variety of complex reasons and I resent the suggestion I did it all just to get a big house. Which essentially makes me sound like a prostitute. I can and will do this alone and without a man. But many of us on here have stayed for financial reasons. That doesn’t mean we her modelled sexual slavery to out DC!

Mine also makes so many inappropriate comments in front of the kids, so does his whole family. They mock me for being prude but I don’t really like it. I often ask him where is your filter as it’s disgusting.

Yeah, I think DH's family were a bit like that too. His dad, FIL, lacked a filter yet at the same time was very polite and gentleman like. Poor MIL used to despair at him!

I don’t know why as a collective we all seem to aspire to the same things, big houses being one of them. We get so focused on these external markers that we forget about the chaos often going on inside. Perhaps this is why, the big house is often more obtainable than fixing the internal chaos. I have a family member who has achieved this external success but they are not happy really and living off of anxiety medication. Looking externally successful has done little to solve the chaos going on inside their brain. She has shrunk herself so small, makes as little noise as possible so that her partner can go and earn the money for the big house and car that they barely exist at all. This is not a life. I’d rather have nothing and work on the internal chaos to truly become happy.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore My partners brother is totally disgusting and in front of his parents and if I was his partner I’d have a massive issue but she just sits and giggles it off. Mine knows that there is a line he really shouldn’t cross. Lots of very personal sexual disgusting jokes. I don’t enjoy time with them really when they get together.

I know why I do it! When we were kids my mum would book viewings at these nice old houses for me and my brother to look round and pretend we were looking to buy. I think estate agents asked fewer questions in those days! I don’t mean mansions. Just nice old houses. And we would come home and draw floor plans and imagine how we would rearrange the space etc. I remember a painting she made of one of the cottages. She was a dreamer. Always making plans and dreams. I mean 90% never came to anything. But I’ve always had a love of property. I just love houses. Renovating, decorating…. My internal space is one of the things that brings me the greatest joy in life. I am so happy in a beautiful space. So yeah, I know why I aspire to that. It’s not a prestige thing for me. It’s a childhood dream and a real love of old houses.

I guess in my own experience my bar is set very low. Coming from neglect really of my emotions and then into an abusive marriage I simply want a space I feel safe in. I don’t feel safe in large houses, or houses with high ceilings. Also too much to clean lol. My need for safely now trumps all other feelings and memories I have. Small warm cottage with nice garden would be great. Im not hugely keen on my house and would like to move to somewhere that feels better.

I just thought you might all enjoy (wrong word, said tongue in cheek!) of my dad’s response to me reluctantly telling him I am moving out. I tried to avoid bringing it up. Was out with family for a birthday meal. I knew it would come up. But I also knew exactly what his reaction would be and I could not bear for it to play out.!!!! And of course it did.

In car on way back to brother’s house and it gets brought up. He asks “oh are you moving AGAIN?!” And I reluctantly reply that yes, me and DP are going our separate ways. He sort of grunts in the way he does. Lots of “urrr” and “pfffff” and noises. He doesn’t know how to react or what to say. This goes on for several minutes. (Normal people: oh I am sorry to hear that. I hope you’re ok?)

We get out the car and everyone goes inside. He asks if we could speak outside for a minute. I know what’s coming. He asks if I am buying the new house. I say no, I won’t ever buy a house. I shall be on benefits for the rest of my life now. I try, and fail, to hold back a few tears. And of course he comes out with the inevitable “urrrr…..urrrrr…..well that’s upset me a bit actually!” I respond with a slightly sarcastic “oh yes this must be very difficult for you!” And he goes on about not knowing what to say and how upset he is. I hang about for a bit and then say I need to leave as it’s getting on and I have to start work at 6:30 tomorrow.

He doesn’t once ask how I am. Or what I need. He offers to call me tomorrow. I say no thanks. I have so much to do and I don’t want to talk about it, because I know the conversation will consist of me having to “support” him emotionally. It will not occur to him that I don’t have the personal resources to scoop him up right now. He cannot conceive of supporting me. Support consists of him phoning me and going on about how upset he is. And I cannot bear it! And despite me saying no please don’t call he has of course rung. He needs emotional support and how much capacity I have to give that is not even a consideration for him.

My brother’s wife’s dad was there at the meal. He’s a proper dad. He paid for my meal on the quiet and wouldn’t accept any thanks. He squeezed my hand when I looked sad. He made me laugh all evening. And was just the kind of dad one would wish for. Broke my heart a little bit!

Well you’re very welcome to visit as I am just about to become the very proud new tenant of a nice cottage style house which has a little garden (more yard really but hey ho, it has a flower bed!) 😊