Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

You should see how other women talk about you when you divorce. You didn’t try hard enough…everyone goes through difficulties but they don’t give up…blah blah it goes on and on! I’m wrong and many others for not willing to happily remain a doormat for ever after!

I feel like a switch has flicked inside me it's really strange. It's like all my feelings have switched off.

It’s self preservation. It’s quite liberating and powerful in many ways. He cannot touch you now.

I know that feeling @SquirrelSoShiny.
Dh's attitude towards me is one thing but his lack of absolutely everything towards our children is the line that was crossed for me.

If he showed even the slightest speck of understanding that he was in the wrong it would be different but he doesn't think he is. He NEVER thinks he is in the wrong ever no matter what happens. When he apologised recently spontaneously I nearly fell over. It was completely out of character and I thought showed some growth.

I’d be very wary with apologising because this can be false. The only acceptable sorry is changed behaviour and unfortunately this is very difficult to achieve with someone who is wearing a mask and has a soft grip on self control and no self awareness. Our feelings are not important when someone is triggered or feels out of control or wounded. It’s a subconscious reflex to attack. It’s not really an ND issue but a horrible person Issue.

I have such a maelstrom of emotion going on with dh.
I absolutely do not understand how he can show no loving gestures or words to his children.
How can I love someone who doesn't show love to our children?
I feel I'm being disloyal to my kids by staying with dh. As though I'm condoning his behaviour. Does that make any sense?

I think being ‘stuck’ can be harder than loss. Though I didn’t divorce DH I recently gave up something massive to me personally that I had been clinging into for years. Although I feel the loss keenly I do feel better and so much relief.

We try to control things because we think that will be better, for us, our DC who need routine, our DHs even. Sometimes it’s ok to let go and not know what’s next on the path. To accept we can’t know if path B will be ‘better’.

Sometimes letting ALL the spinning plates come crashing to the ground in the sure knowledge they will smash to smithereens is what’s needed. It shakes us out of patters and ends some stuck ness that was holding us back. It makes way for something new.

Having an asd mum who couldn’t love me the way I needed messed up my life. She didn’t even try because she had no idea she was asd. I had a loving father but I took the behaviour of my mum very personally and I still do have struggle getting this behaviour out of my head. I became a massive people pleaser/fixer. I guess if the children are aware the outcome may be different as no one told me it was her and not me growing up. As soon as possible I just wanted to get out of my family home and NEVER need to move back! I think it’s wise to worry about loving him.

@SleepDeprivedElf I wonder what our life would look like if I let all the spinning plates come crashing down. I have been holding it all together for so long, it would be terrifying and also so liberating at the same time. I think I am protecting everyone, but in reality I'm just trying to hold our fragile little family together for as long as I can.
@Rainbow03 My mum was the same. "You know I love you" every few months was as much as she could give I think. The shock that I was actually using the same line with my kids on their dads behalf was the turning point for me. Hearing myself say "You know your dad loves you though" when he just wasn't there for them and my dd asking me to stop. Dad can tell us himself, she said, I'm still waiting to hear him say it.
I know the damage he has done to our kids because i am the still that kid, desperate to be shown love.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy so am I. I think a lot of us are sadly. Somewhere along the line it happened to my mum also and it’s just traveled down the family. I have a lot of guilt for my oldest whose father is an idiot. The fact she now has a blended family and as much as I try it’s not the same living with a man who isn’t her dad and doesn’t really understand her. It’s always about damage control. I don’t think many people get through childhood unscathed.

I think the way to do is to keep moving forward, keep trying, keep making mistakes. Standing still, shutting down, rolling over and playing dead is a mistake.

I called a solicitor, spoke to them, then chickened out of making the appointment. It's overwhelming. But I feel like something has snapped inside me I don't even know how to describe how strange I feel. I'm sitting in work trying to be normal.

It’s called anger I think it’s calling for change. It’s called ride with it and use it to motivate it you because your self esteem is telling you “I don’t accept being treated like this”! It’s you trying to get you to act!

@SquirrelSoShiny I understand how terrified you must be. Thinking about leaving, then actually physically doing something like lifting a phone and saying the words aloud must be like stepping into some alternate universe (that's how I imagine the thinking and actually doing stages must be like)
You may have a few false starts, but it's a start. As @Rainbow03 just said "Keep moving forward"
I wish I could be there to give you a hug.💟

Another one with a refrigerator mother here! Tho I think she was more of a covert narc than ‘just’ ND. I am by far the least affected among siblings as I worked her out and detached in my teens.

Do you know what? That’s Ok. I heard somewhere that it can take multiple attempts to leave. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t feel ready to see it through this time. You set an intention. If you come back to it in future then you might get further next time. It’s not about chickening out. It’s a huge step. It’s incredibly scary. Don’t feel bad for not seeing it though this time. You’re not in a massive rush. There’s no immediate clock ticking. No one is holding you to anything. You can speak to a solicitor and just get some advice and you don’t have to do anything other than park the advice somewhere in your mind to use (or not) at a later date. I don’t think it would harm you to get some advice. Perhaps knowing what your options look like will help you decide what to do. You could get some free advice and decide now it’s all a bit too much and you may come back to it later. We put far too much pressure on ourselves.

I do understand the snapping feeling and the disassociation that comes after. It can be used however you see fit. To empower you in the relationship, a bit like @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore has done or to line those ducks up. The main thing is not to give yourself negative talk (“I chickened out” etc etc). You didn’t. You’re good.

That is a step forwards though. It doesn't matter if you didn't book the appointment. You have made a move, and it might take several steps back and forth to get there, but something is changing. There is no right way to do this, there are other things you can do before you are ready to phone the solicitors (I still haven't spoken to a solicitor since my long process began, probably scared off by the £12k it cost me in legal bills to divorce my first H!)

It took me 2 years to tell DH I wanted to separate, but in that time, I detached and began to think of myself and my wants a needs a lot more. Spent a lot of time imagining my life as single, dreaming of peace and calm. I now have my peace and calm in my little sanctuary room, even though I'm still with H again. Kind of.

Took me years and I left for a few days a few times and then came back because my brain convinced me it’d change.

Yesterday I gently approached DH about maybe seeking some help and advice for his short tempered-ness (he is also constantly tired, drained and has sleep issues) all whilst complimenting him on the steps he's taken already (yoga, walks, sauna, breathing exercises, reading, eating better, drinking less etc) and how maybe a GP might be able to make any further suggestions or referrals (he seems certain he has ADHD but is reluctant to seek a diagnosis, I also suspect OCD).

I also mentioned that maybe some therapy might help. He didn't get defensive but listened and later he came up and apologied for making me feel uncomfortable (his words).

Yet, I suspect he won't actually get down to doing anything, again. He promised 'to do anything' after I broke up with him but later seemed mostly focused on me getting more respite, as if that was the main driver for the separation. It's like some sort of built in defence where he just can't turn to himself and really see how his behaviour has affected me and DD and how he won't be able to change that by just trying harder. Maybe he is scared to look at himself and speaking to a GP would be forcing him to do so and maybe that is too hard and painful.

In some ways that is me but I do now accept that things won't ever change in the way I used to hope for. It's more a practical solution to stay until something else changes (opportunity to work for me, DH finds someone else or I win the lottery!) or with the compromise that I have me space and my life yet we live and co-parent together in the same house.

We tried to live in the same house for 8 months. It just didn’t work out. He still expected me to behave the same way. Last straw was him using all the sugar and me saying why haven’t you replaced it because now I can’t have my cup of tea. You can tell where an argument involving blame went. He blew his top and I just had enough. Then the shoe throwing incident happened. He tried to be really nice to me which really pissed me off because I hated him at this point. In the middle was a 2 year old and 2 incapable parents at this point.

I can’t begin to explain how much time and how much more brain I have in this relationship compared to the other. I’m a much better parent, or should I say more available and more regulated and more funny and more me. I don’t think you realise when you are in it how much your brain revolves around the other person. Thinking about them, what they might do, how you can get out, how you can shut down, what will happen next, how to stop the triggers, do you speak or not speak etc etc.

Yes, I think I spend a lot of the very little energy I have on this. The 'getting out' bit took a lot but a lot less since I actually said I wanted to separate. The oppression lifted and although not ideal it is a lot better than it was.

That is where my head is at the moment and has been for way longer than is probably healthy. My brain it seems, is constantly focused on dh. What he did or didn't do, said or didn't say. If I do this, will he react like that? If I do that, will he react like this?
I just seem to be so annoyed all the time. I'm trying really hard to refocus myself, by doing things for me, but he always manages to slip back into my thoughts.
I'm actually really resentful towards him, every time he goes away for work, I hope he has to stay longer, or go away again sooner.
I'm sick or trying to make things for us as a family easier by doing all dh's thinking for him as he seems unable, or unwilling to think for himself. I think I am at the stage where, as @SleepDeprivedElf said, ready to let all the spinning plates fall and see what happens.