Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Yeah I feel like a line was crossed. Ironically he was punishing me for making a quip about one of his more ASD traits, then he slammed the brakes on in rage. Then I had to explain to him (calmly, at home, no DCs present) that a) it wasn't an insult and b) even if it WAS an insult slamming brakes on isn't okay. When he argued I asked him was he allowed to give me a slap if I angered him? Would that be OK?

His thinking is just fundamentally disordered in some ways. He wasn't sorry. He thought I deserved it. He is a passive aggressive man and I sometimes think these men are as or more dangerous than outright abusive men because they are better at looking nice to the rest of the world. And he can be very nice he went out of his way to make dinner etc last night this is how he shows 'remorse' or being a good husband.

But yes something did shift yesterday. Another dent in the remaining love I have for him.

@SquirrelSoShiny I hope you're okay today. It sounds like you are physically okay but I imagine you're feeling some mental shock. My ex did something similar.

I suspect this is a boiled-frog situation, lovely. This behaviour is a serious red flag.

He is a passive aggressive man and I sometimes think these men are as or more dangerous than outright abusive men because they are better at looking nice to the rest of the world

Yes.

YES.

And if you try to talk about it, people clearly dont believe it because they really have no similar experience themselves. They think that 'it's not really that bad'.

The thing is my health is failing gradually and will continue to. At some point he will likely take on some carer duties and he will certainly have to be the driver more often as I will potentially lose my license. I am not sure he is a safe man to trust, especially as I become more vulnerable.

Absolutely! It was my DH’s response to being a carer when I was ill that has given me the resolve to make change. He can’t cope with the demands and i would be worried to have to reply on him. You sound similar. There’s also the alternative which is that he becomes ill and more erratic/difficult/risky - I decided that I didn’t sign up for that on top of what’s gone on already. I’d like a peaceful life. Think carefully about how this might look in the future - if this is the behaviour while you’re useful what might it be when you have needs?

Marking my place , ND husband, both children asd. I've a lot of stress. I cry a lot. Sorry. I also count my blessings....

Yes I think I'd struggle with this my husband is the silent type and gives no support emotionally but if he was in any way anger issues I'd probably have to leave. So sorry you are living like this.

“But yes something did shift yesterday. Another dent in the remaining love I have for him.”

this sounds so similar - I described it to DH years ago that there was a connection between us like a rope and he was slowly cutting the cords and fraying it. I tried to warn him but he wasn’t able to understand and is now devastated/in denial our marriage is over. It’s difficult to see someone in pain even if he’s caused me a lot of heartache. But I must think about myself and the kids now

100% this. My exH was like this and unfortunately H is a bit like it too.

Because of this I will never be able to trust 'D'H 100%, mostly he is Dr Jekyll but you never know when Mr Hyde will take over. Not great for the central nervous system!

Yes, can relate to that too 🫂

This is an important point. He may escalate irrational/aggressive behavior as your situation stresses him out more and this will coincide with a rise in vulnerability.

Being the power of a man who doesn't and can't understand, and who can be dangerous (that manoever was mildly dangerous) is very, very unpleasant @Squirrel grimly

I've mentioned this before, but I remember begging my ex to take me to hospital when I was pregnant and got a severe uterine infection. He spent half an hour or more refusing and I had to literally crawl down the stairs and to the front door - it took me 15 minutes - because he didn't want to go to hospital because he doesn't like them, and didn't want to help me down the stairs. I was so weak at the time that a neighbour had had to help me up off the floor earlier that day, I couldn't get up on my own.

We did get to the hospital eventually but the gynecologist said later there'd been only a 5% chance of my baby surviving (he's fine now) and my own life was in danger. I was going into sepsis. Even writing it down it all comes back. Fuck him.

I realised then that there was absolutely no way that he would/could support me adequately if I got into a long term dependent illness. He can be a total jerk anyway not related to autism, but I'm quite sure that in his case, his autism played a role in putting his personal dislike of hospitals over my severe unwellness.

I am stuck in my marriage. I want a peaceful simple life. Instead I'm run ragged dealing with everything cause he can't think about things the way things need be dealt with and our 2 children are asd. 1 a pda who is exhausting and emotionally abusive to me. I'm sick of it all. I do love them but I feel like it's destroyed me...

@SquirrelSoShiny
i know you’re very aware of the impact of your marriage and all its stresses has on your health.
Being so ill so that you have to rely on someone being a carer is shit. Having an ASD husband who doesn’t get you’re ill because they just can’t comprehend it is a very difficult place to be. By experience, I suspect it would have been easier on my own.

So if you can get out and create your own life before being in that place, you’ll be better for it.
Forgetting your dh for now, do you think you’d cope living on your own with the dcs? I mean cope physically. The financial side is a different matter.

@Fishandchipsareyum yep. I think all of us can recognise the difficulties you’re having. You’re not just raising two dcs with SN. You’re also dealing with a 3rd disabled person, that requires adjustments, when really all you’re craving is support rather than something to make the load heavier.

At the minute yes I can cope although sadly that can change at any point. Also stress in itself makes me ill, as does grief. He will likely get DC which will suit his narrative as he is 'the good father' and I am 'the crazy wife'. I am far from home and family. Sometimes I feel brave and sometimes I feel very afraid for the future. If anyone reading this is new to the thread read the stories here and run for your fucking lives. Don't give chances, don't live in hopeful denial, understand that one day leaving will be so much harder. Get out now and find a partner who understands love in more than a theoretical, practical way.

@SquirrelSoShiny

I've had a spate of ill health recently.

DP has mainly asked questions about how this affects him. 'Will you be up to going out or should I just arrange something with friends?' When we are apart he has not checked in to ask how I am doing. He sends me texts throughout the day to tell me what he is doing and share his thoughts about things to do with himself. I ignore a lot of them as I don't have much energy for his stuff atm.

DP had his mum looking after the kids yesterday. He could have come over to help me out. He went to a party.

This is a communication issue mainly. If I had specifically asked DP to come here and help me, he would have. When I ask him to drive me to hospital and wait to drive me back, he does it gladly. When I ask him to cook because I am tired, he will do it. When I need to leave something early because I am fatigued, he does not complain.

But those social niceties, that 'how are you doing' and 'is there anything I can do' are a form of helpful emotional support that could aid my recovery and this I am not getting and will not get.

I probably have to instruct him to say these things to me twice a day and he will put a note on his pinboard to do it. He will say these things robotically and without feeling.

It goes back to my thing that DP is not a full partner. He has major deficits and I have to seek emotional support elsewhere.

@SquirrelSoShiny how old are your DC? How likely is it really that he'd get them? I mean that in a kind way as I am often referred to or made to feel the 'crazy wife' but in reality I am not and statistically these men don't usually 'get the kids' or even 50%. But obviously you know him better than me but trying to reassure you.

I am too very far from friends and family and I haven't got a 'village' or support network. Yet I am not alone, I have this thread to vent on and share on, a weekly online Zoom Drink to fill intellectual needs, some hobbies and interests I can loose myself in, and I have started to really look after my health. The stress and grief has affected my physical and mental health but I am trying to do what I can to help myself, within reason. Look after yourself and you will find you have more strength for the next steps.

Teenaged settled well in school but unfortunately I live in an expensive area so if I moved closer to home it would mean changing schools which just isn't an option.

Can you bide your time until the children leave school. Then move somewhere cheaper by yourself? And do whatever you can to keep yourself safe and sane?

Unfortunately time isn't on my side healthwise. I think I'm actually stuck. I just need to make the best of it.

@SquirrelSoShiny It’s very hard to balance your personal needs (and staying healthy is pretty high on the list) with your dcs needs.

One thing that kept me there is the fact I didn’t think I would cope well being a single parent and I didn’t want my dcs, esp dc1, to become my carer.
And I didn’t think the dcs being with dh all of the time and me EOW would be great for them either.

It’s also impossible to know for sure how things will pan out. Would you feel much better put of the marriage, enough that you could cope with raising dcs AND working? Or actually the stress and grief from separating will make everything worse.

I so wish we all had a crystal ball on that one!

I too am far from 'home', have no support system here and would really rather not be here if I'm honest.
I had to take dh to A&E recently as he was 'dying'. They found absolutely nothing wrong but he is convinced "There must be something"
He has never been ill though, really ill, no broken bones, no operations, no hospital stays, so any ache or pain that I would probably just ignore, is for him a death knell.
I have started to think that I might end up being the carer and it fills me with dread.
I have given myself until after kids finish their education, so potentially another 4/5 years. I honestly don't know if i can manage that though.
So many wasted opportunities to change my situation that I didn't see at the time.
I only ever had a Plan A: Marry dh, have kids, live happily ever after.

I think the ‘Live happily for ever after’ is doing a lot of damage tbh.
As well as the idea of soul mate etc….

It’s making it much harder for women to leave. You can see that in many Relationship thread.