Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy yes to the resentment. I am building resentment currently for my in-laws because they won’t accept me or even acknowledge my existence and I want to not be in this situation. It simply doesn’t feel very nice having resentment in my brain. Im not sure how possible it is to really accept something without being emotionally triggered because being ignored and not included isn’t a nice thing.

Logically it makes so much sense to just say:
" Yup, they don't like me, they don't want me around and they certainly don't accept me, but, I'm going to be the bigger person here and I'm just going to ignore it"
Emotionally though it's almost impossible to be around people who don't like you, don't want you around and definitely don't understand or accept you.
Resentment builds as you try and be yourself while it feels like your wading through treacle doing so. It's soul destroying.

It is, I dread family get togetherness because I know I’m not valued. It’s just a horrid performance. I wish sometimes that they would just outright say we don’t like you so I can say cool I’ll stay at home. Do they treat you rubbish so that you make a fuss and then they can say nothing to do with us and look the better party. Being ND this just baffles me. Why do people need value? You meet you chat and then you leave don’t you, I don’t really dislike anyone as there is always something to be interested in.

I'll talk to people until they give me reason not to. I'll talk to most people, as you say, you meet, you chat, you leave. It's not complicated. If I don't like someone I don't seek out their company, and I would assume if someone doesn't like me, they would not seek me out.
When it's family though, it's so much more complicated.

Why do we seem to have such problems with the words can’t and won’t? For example why is it different if someone can’t empathise and someone won’t empathise? The outcome is the same but we make allowances for can’t!

I’m going to say because can’t suggest a proper issue and in our partner’s case, a disability.
It’s pretty normal to make allowances to someone who has a disability.

Not so much to someone who ‘wont’ aka just can’t be arsed but could if they wanted to.

But what about narcs who can’t because they have a mental illness? It seems in my personal case this was my biggest issue. Narc and ASD both can’t but one is more acceptable than the other.

I wonder if the issue lies with us not wanting to be selfish and have others say we are selfish by wanting something different? For example it’s a disability so I have to allow it otherwise I’m being selfish.

I agree about "it" being a disability. I also agree that it's part of who that person is and with any disability we make allowances for it.
The resulting trauma on that persons nearest and dearest shouldn't be diminished though.
If someone is physically disabled and their partner ends up with chronic backache from helping them physically, they still have chronic backache. It wasn't intentional, but the resulting pain is still the same.
The resulting pain from an abusive/neglectful relationship due to an emotionally disabled partner is just as real.
I think we are so busy managing/justifying/excusing our partners disability that we lose sight of how we are actually feeling.
For me, I'm constantly reacting to what dh has/hasn't done, said/hasn't said. Trying to work out why he would do or say that or not do or say that, I forget that I'm actually entitled to feel hurt/angry/upset regardless of whether he meant to do what he did.

@Rainbow03 Surely it's the difference between "they can't walk to the shops, so I have to push them in a wheelchair" and "they won't walk to the shops, so I have to push them in a wheelchair". In both cases, you'd have sympathy for the wheelchair pusher, but in the former, you'd also understand it was necessary and feel sympathy for the wheelchair user. Whereas in the latter, you'd probably think the pusher was a bit of a mug and the user was an unpleasant person.

Either can’t or won’t creates non relationships though so why do we try and have relationships with those who can’t do relationships? Are we the issue with the expectations? After all it’s not the person with the disabilities fault. We come into the relationship with expectations that the other person can’t meet. Then we ask them to try and meet them, then get annoyed because they can’t and we get hurt.

edit to say can’t do relationships I the conventional way or the way we want.

In either instance though, they still get pushed to the shops, and we still get backache from pushing them.😟

A narc only wants control and to be adored and needed and special. Are they wrong to have the need? We don’t have to meet the need or anyone’s really (apart from kids).

We don’t have to push anyone’s wheelchair do we?

What are we getting out of meeting people’s needs? Surely the goal is to get something in return?…for me it’s a deeper safer relationship. If I can’t get this from a relationship then there’s no point in an intimate relationship. Relationships aren’t unconditional are they (apart from your kids).

We all depend on others to a greater or lesser extent. Agree there should be some reciprocity in an intimate/partner relationship - I guess it's a case of whether what your ASD partner provides is sufficient for you or not - regardless of the can't/won't question. I have to say that I don't believe it's true to say that ASD means that you can't do relationships. Rather, relationships are very different for ND people, and that they may not meet NT needs. I don't think you should stay if it makes you unhappy- life's too short- but staying in the hope that someone will learn to behave in ways that they are unable to is just flogging a dead horse, isn't it?

I just need to post so I can come back and read more, when I'm not emotionally drained from my DH and his ND life.

I'm so so tired of it all.

I'm trying to plan my (our) retirement and saying "can we plan for a join age" his answer is yes.

Great what would you like to do in retirement, his Answer "oh I don't mind whatever"

Shall we live overseas for a while "yep sounds good"

I'm not sure I can carry this anymore, it's been 24 years, my whole life carrying a passenger, a happy good well meaning passenger.

But fml I'm so tired and I need a break.

I've even just planned and paid for my own 50th birthday.

What is too old, i suspect I may have to run away.

@rivalsbinge I could have written your post. I'm 60 though. Have been trying to discuss retirement with dh for years.
No input whatsoever, just happy to be told what we're doing.
I have raised our kids and they'll be off living their own lives soon.
I am not prepared to keep parenting dh, I want a partner not a passenger.
In nearly 30 years he has never organised or decided anything, from what to have for dinner, vacations, birthdays, homes we have lived in, cars we have driven. I make every decision because he "doesn't mind".
I am so fed up with his lack of interest in our lives.
I saw retirement as freedom to go and do things we are both interested in. Problem is dh isn't interested in anything.

Marking place again as I managed to lock myself put of MN and needed to create a new account 🫣🫣🫣
im sure you’ve all worked out who I am.

I’ve been quite unwell lately, had lots of tests today and yesterday. I’m hedging on ulcerative colitis or IBD…. anyways I’m in pain but he hasn’t done any of the things you’d expect someone who was concerned to do. I’m a little confused. When I’ve said to him I’m in pain he just says “I know”. He is getting more and more what I can describe as annoyed, with me and with kids etc. Is this because he is worried but not doing anything about it verbally or affectionately. Or simply not caring, it feels not caring.He’s just sat on his phone going about his normal things. I’m really not feeling well and I don’t know if he understands. It’s not nice to be sat and not have any concern or a hug or something.

DH reacts like that too.
It’s a mix of not getting it at all, being overwhelmed by the situation, not knowing what to say ‘because nothing I say will make things better’.
And yes it feels like he isn’t caring.

🫂🫂🫂 IBD/UC aren’t fun at all.

I don’t understand how you can not get it. Someone you love is sent for emergency next day tests and is sat in pain. He is simply operating as normal but agitated.

If he doesn't acknowledge it, then it's not happening. Dh is the same when I've been quite ill or on a couple of occasions been hospitalised.
The sheer inability to sympathise or be empathetic makes him numb. He will also just carry on as normal, hoping I don't die i suppose, because that would really screw up his day.
Sorry you're not doing well @Rainbow03 💐

Thanks. It’s the one thing I think being late diagnosed with ADHD has done to me. Being on high alert all these years and never doing anything about it has given me autoimmune condition after condition. I expect my body is attacking my bowel now as well as the other things. 😞

It’s sad because he is a very sweet man when he wants to be. But I can really see the inability to empathise coming out. His niceness is entirely dependent on when he wants to give it and for reasons he wants to. Even my next door neighbours face looked sad when I spoke to her yesterday. My partner nothing he just says the words “I know” when I say I don’t feel well. There’s no change in facial expression (apart from annoyed if I say too much) no reaching out to embrace…just nothing. I’m probably projecting because this is how it feels but I’m not sure he cares. Perhaps he does internally.

I'm sorry you've been unwell @Rainbow03 🫂 hope they can get to the bottom of it and hopefully treat it or find ways to make it less painful and more barable.

Can sympathise with OH not acting the way you'd expect, DH can be very caring and attentive when I'm ill yet at other times he completely leaves me to it as if he is 'numb' and has on occasion even been a bit dismissive and making me feel a nuisance.