Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

I agree with @pikkumyy77 about not expecting to get something from someone when that person isn't capable of giving it. It's like speaking different languages, literally, it doesn't matter how slowly or how much you enunciate or how loud you are, the other person just doesn't understand your language and visa versa.
I also get what @BustyLaRoux said about setting yourself up for misery by setting tests for dh that he is ultimately going to fail. I did that for such a long time, but the only person to be hurt,sad or angry was me. It doesn't matter how much i want dh to want to spend time with me. He doesn't need or want to.

It does make sense it just doesn’t feel nice I guess. Members of the family can talk hours about fire wood but never ever ask how you are if you aren’t well or how are the kids or visit the kids. They are more connected over a joint interest in wood then they are people in the family. Both sides of the family are like this, it’s rubbish. I’m not well at the moment, lost a lot of weight and awaiting tests. There isn’t single person who shares in my worry or has asked how I am, do I need help. If I asked for it they’d look at me like some kind of freak for needing help. If I found a piece of wood then I’d expect I could have a long conversation about this.

I’ve been reading the thread before posting but I couldn’t not respond to this - do not under any circumstances move in. Even if there is an improvement it is most likely to be temporary and unsustainable. You can have a relationship at a distance or find someone else. But based on my own experience once you’ve moved closer/in it will only get more difficult. Sorry to be gloomy!

Where do I go (other than here) for emotional support? I have some female friends but they all have their own problems and lives to deal with. I need an outlet to rant and get things off my chest which I don't have with DH

Also thanks BustyLaRoux about my expectations of DH and accepting what he can and can't offer me. Once I've got my head round that all will be well!!

@Neurospice I'm in a similar situation in that we dont live together. I'd echo keeping it this way. My partner would like that level of commitment but I can't see how it would work

@Georgeismydog honestly, I think a counsellor is your best bet, if you can find/afford one.

@Neurospice , I think@KnottyAuty is absolutely right about not moving in together.

Has anyone got a link to that fairly impactful youtube clip where someone is saying "this is how it is, it's not going to change, accept it or leave"?

Absolutely agree about not moving in together. Under no circumstances will it get better.
My dh is away frequently for work, though not frequently enough😉 so I get to see both sides.
The atmosphere at home when dh is here and when he is away is like night and day.
I reiterate: DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

Whiteboard? Held up in front of him?

Reflecting back on what people are saying about how hard it feels never to have your partner mirror your emotions or respond empathetically I want to bring up why that is so painful and damaging.

In an NT situation/family/community we are always in communion with people around us. First nonverbally, as a babe in arms, and later both verbally and non verbally. Emotions and the empathic recognition “this person is happy” and “this person is sad” or “this person is in danger” are hard wired into us for very good reason—they enable us as a species and as a group to act in concert, to wheel and move like a murmuration of starlings or a herd of animals towards food and safety and away from danger.

As a child develops its family and society tells it through reward or correction which emotions and needs are rewarded and which are disallowed. That’s why little girls snd women are praised for smiling while little boys and men are not. Nevertheless we still try to communicate our feelings and needs for help and connection in order to get our needs met.

The experience of making a mistake socially—of reaching out snd being rejected, of smiling inappropriately when others are crying or crying when others are smiling, is experienced as deeply shaming—(shame comes in at 18 months or so snd is one of the ways families control behavior they need to disallow in the young child. )

So reaching out for empathic connection and having it be denied is extremely painful and shaming in a way that other miscommunication isn’t. If repeated again and again the accrued pain and self doubt will become crippling.

@Georgeismydog agree that a counsellor would be great if it's financially possible. For me, it's been helpful to look at my own needs more and make sure I do some self-care and find small things to bring me joy. Everyone talks about mindfulness, but I really do think it helps me feel more present and gives me a break from dwelling on things and mulling over the same stuff over and over.

It's hard when you are in the eye of the storm and it's taken me a long time to detach and I often slip back into despair over something DH has said or done which then sends me off track again (as you all know on this thread!) !

I found the book The ADHD effect on Marriage quite useful and helped me understand our dynamic a bit better. Possibly because both DH and I have ADHD traits as well as likely ASD. The key motto of the book is to try different, not harder.

Not sure I'm the best one to give advice as I sort if broke up with DH, and then kind of took him back, with some changes in place and him promising to have therapy/me having more respite etc. Not sure how that is going!!

This is so interesting, as I'm ND too I can sort of see what you mean. I'm not sure I would want/be attracted to or be satisfied with the Volvo either as I do enjoy the dopamine hits the Ferrari brings 😄 sometimes I really do need a reliable Volvo though, one that is predictable, easy to live with and most importantly, even tempered and ready to drive safely through rain or storm. My ferrari stalls when I need it to fash DD to the walk in hospital late at night, or to take over parenting duties when I'm ill or overwhelmed.

I think my Ferrari had me fooled (masked) into thinking it was a Volvo (DH actually drives a Volvo!) And I think he sees himself as a Volvo too.

Dh is definitely a Volvo, one that never goes over the speed limit and stays in the appropriate lane at all costs.
I'm too old and tired for a Ferrari now, so basically f¿cked😆😁

I’m having a day of being spoken to in absolutes. Me: could you limit how much you tell me about x thing going on in your life as I find it distressing (it’s a never ending drama I have no control over).
Him: so I’m just not allowed to tell you anything about anything?

I plead busy with work at this point. He will shortly forget all about it. I’ve learned to stop explaining what cannot be understood.

I'm not sure a Volvo would put up with me and my ND though 😆

If not well, then tolerable at least perhaps. I think sometimes “tolerable” is the best we can achieve. Which is definitely about managing one’s expectations and using our coping strategies.

Interesting. So emotional distance is a learnt response rather than inherent?

Loving the Ferrari : Volvo analogy!!

DP does have traits of the Volvo. He’s good in a storm (as long as it’s not one of his own making!). Reliable in that he will do things for me if I’m poorly (without being asked), give me a lift at short notice, pop to the shop to get an ingredient I’ve forgotten, take the kids out to give me some peace and quiet, do nice things for my birthday….. absolutely Volvo!! But he is also unreliable (with the truth), creates unnecessary drama, is volatile, but also flashy and gregarious and confident. Definite Ferrari. A Volvo would bore me shitless I guess.

So reaching out for empathic connection and having it be denied is extremely painful and shaming in a way that other miscommunication isn’t. If repeated again and again the accrued pain and self doubt will become crippling.

@pikkumyy77 i imagine thats also why, when you start to accept your dh doesn’t, can’t, never will, show that emotional connexion/empathy because they just can’t, living with them isn’t as painful.
As you know they can’t do that, it’s not something you expect or ask of them. As you’re not reaching out, you’re not getting hurt.

@Georgeismydog i was also going to recommend therapy if you can afford it. My SIL got some free sessions through her employer through an employee assistance type scheme.

I will also say that @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore has managed to make some real changes to how she feels by carving out space for herself. In her case physical space! It’s wonderful the power that a bit of a sanctuary can give. I think the brain can reflect on its needs when there is some sanctuary.

I sleep in my DS’s room when he’s not here. I love it!! It’s in the attic. It’s warmer than the other rooms. His bed is much more comfy that ours. No one snores or breathes in my face. I sleep better. I feel calm and rested. Even if DP and I are getting along well, I still take one night a week to sleep there in peace and comfort. I take my book, light a scented candle. It’s my space I have carved out for me.

Another one here to highly recommend your own bedroom. The safe space where you can shut the door and just be.👌

Anyone have an ND OH/DP and ND kids/stepkids?

If so, have you found a way to support each other through this when your partner/DP is emotionally deficient and/or prefers to live in denial?

I have a good friend who sadly does all the heavy lifting with ASD/ADHD kids because her husband who clearly has the same conditions denies the kids have them, won't participate in conversations about his possibly having them, and responds to all her hard, thankless work by telling her she's making things up. The kids have started telling her she's making things up and refusing to go to medical appts for their 'made up' conditions. Her life is hell.

And actually after my friend told me all this I realised exactly the same thing happened to me. Twice. First with the exh who refused to acknowledge our child was ASD (diagnosed by NHS specialist within minutes), leading to the end of the marriage, and now with bloody DP. See my previous post on his difficult kids.

I was staggered the other day when, remaining focused entirely on himself, DP asked me to go on holiday with him and his kids.

I have said I'll think about it while I tie myself up in knots trying to find a way to explain that this will be impossible.

I stay with DP because in the time I spend with him he is a lovely, caring and generous partner. But clearly he is self focused. He is so nice to me because he enjoys our relationship. He simply cannot see that when things are not so enjoyable, with his kids, he has a responsbility both to manage them and to protect me. So he goes to this magical place where somehow it will all be better if I just try again, a bit harder this time. No.

I would like DP to accept and understand his kids' full challenges and get them into intensive therapy, then to learn how to support me with them. Is there any possible way I can communicate this to such a man and get my needs met? Or is it time to let this one fade? Such a shame when we have such a nice time together, but maybe that's the answer.

Moving in together - definite hard no.

It took me some time to accept this reality. I enjoy my time with DP but after say a long weekend together I am ready for him to leave. Its nice having a boyfriend who's so fun, but he is also intense and tiring. The second glass of wine is never as good as first and brings on the hangover. More is definitely not better.