Partner offended over couples sex toy I bought him

[Bamboosilverleaf]

Basically what it says in the title.
Been with partner for over a year. Sex life seems open and fun and we both love each other.
At Christmas we bough main present each and said a few jokey / sexy things.
One of the smaller things he got me was pretty lingerie that I loved.
One of the smaller things I got for him was a c*k ring as he opened it I said for both of us. He went oh ok. Got up and started a making a cup of tea. Anyway since then he hasn't mentioned it he's put it away in a draw. I wore my lingerie last night and said babe get the c*k ring out , massage oil etc . He didn't get it out the drawer. I left it, we had fun anyway.
So this morning I say to him , have you tried that c**k ring? And he said I don't really understand why you bought it , it's like basically saying I'm not enough for you or not getting your clitorous off by myself.

I'm in shock. I think I've made him feel insecure. He's being really distant with me this evening. He looks hurt. Have no idea why??

I have a lot of very good sex but I need to use my fingers to orgasm 99% of the time. It's not about quality of the partner, it's about the physiology of the woman's body and also how orgasmic she is. Lots of women need a lot of stimulation to orgasm. Some lucky women don't.

[retracted]

Oops. I should have read your updates first. There is clearly more going on.

This needs a wider discussion. Porn has taught men than a penis is enough. But it's not about him being enough or not enough. It's about joint pleasure and fun for you both. If it has a clitorial stimulator why wouldn't be want to use it? He would be giving you extra pleasure without needing to use his hands, which gives you both opportunity to be more sensual with your upper bodies. What part of any of this makes him feel bad?

Sex toys aren't about being 'not enough' it should be about fun together, new experiences, new sensations.

I wouldn't push him with it, also any conversations like this should be had outside of the bedroom. My final tip would be to be careful about what language you use 'why don't YOU like it' puts the blame on him.

Can we talk about sex toys together? Maybe I got it a bit wrong, I like the idea of a (sex toy) because of x y z. What do you think?

Non confrontational and no accusations should help you.

You've been with him a year and he's already lost any interest in pleasing you sexually? Eek.

How would power status affect a simple physiological need for clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm? We have different bodies. Only 18% of women are able to achieve orgasm through penetration alone. It's biology, your theory is a bit bizarre tbh

Well, here's your problem then. You bought him a Christmas present that wasn't for him, it was for yourself, and was actually a bit of a dig at him.

If he's not getting you off then have conversations about it, and if things don't improve, then dump him. But buying someone a present designed to insult them is really passive aggressive.

Actually I disagree. I would suggest most men like to feel they can get their partners to climax without additional support. It’s an ego thing and men can be very sensitive about sex and their abilities.

I also disagree that most women need sex toys to orgasm. This is news to me; my husband is more than capable all by himself.

Well there you go then. He’ll know he can’t get you off and this is just another reminder.

We've been together over a year ??

'a man wants to feel like you desire him solely without the need for additional support'

would be nice if that worked both ways then wouldn't it? would be nice to feel desired by men without them using only fans/porn and instagram girls in secret.

Well actually it's a toy for both him and I. Not trying to spin anything

Well this is it then - it's not really just about the toy, the toy has highlighted some sexual issues in the relationship.

Have you told him that many women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm and that's pretty normal? It's not that his penis isn't good enough, but rather that PIV sex doesn't stimulate the clitoris so the ring is one way to have both at the same time?

I'd agree with this to an extent.

DP finds it very hard to orgasm. When I met her at nearly 30 she'd never had one, and she's never managed to give herself one.

It took 5 years before we found a specific toy that did the trick, and another 3 years before I worked out how to replicate the effect without the toy.

I'm happy to use sex toys together, it doesn't make me feel "less than", I'm not sensitive about it. We've got a variety of them, most of which I bought.

But there's something different about getting someone off directly, without the aid of something that needs batteries. It is an ego boost, but more than that it's just more intimate, and makes you feel closer to your partner.

This is really interesting. I think I am being a bit performative. Don't get me wrong I enjoy dressing up, it makes me feel very sexy & I find it fun , however I think I may have an issue when I'm in a relationship & things aren't going so well I over compensation in other areas. The performative part interests me because sometimes I feel like I'm not in my own body, disassociated almost. It's very hard to explain. He's not forcing me to do anything nothing like that, I'm always up for role play but I do sometimes feel I am in someone's else's body when it comes to having sex with him.

You don't spring a cock ring or any other sex toy on your partner! Using them should have been discussed first. I don't blame him. I use toys, and I've bought rings like that. But never without prior conversation.

Well it works just fine for some of us.

We don’t all need toys.

He's not forcing me to do anything nothing like that, I'm always up for role play but I do sometimes feel I am in someone's else's body when it comes to having sex with him.

This doesn't sound great, OP. Genuinely. I would think about why you feel like this with him before looking at more toys. This is not about toys. You deserve more than what you're getting here.

He is also affectionate outside of the bedroom. Very affectionate

OP you have every right to want to have an orgasm from sex in the same way he does. Just explain to him that it's nothing to do with his penis, it to do with the lack of stimulation you get from PIV sex. It's simple biology, as every woman is different and not everyone can orgasm that way. Some need a little extra stimulation which the ring provides. If he can't handle that then make sure you have your orgasm before PIV.

Just catching up with all the replies

Who said we do?
But less than 30% of women can orgasm without additional clitoral stimulation so in fact a significant majority of women need fingers or a sex toy to finish. If you don't, lucky you! But you're a minority. It's just how most women's bodies work.

This doesn't sound like a good sexual connection.

He is just shit in bed and or selfish .

Okay so I’m not sure “merry Christmas, here’s a present” is best served by giving him something you’ve basically bought for yourself because you’re unsatisfied.

If my husband bought me a contraption for christmas that kept me tighter during sex, I’d also be pretty hurt (and embarrassed).

It sounds like the kind of issue you should have sat down and had a conversation about, and then suggested trying the toy, rather than dressing it up as a christmas gift.