My daughter has moved to Australia and she’s not coming back

[pensionsums]

She’s only 26. Moved there with her husband a year ago, only for two years was the plan. Everything now changed and they’re never coming back. Aibu to be a bit upset? Would you be upset if this was you?

I've got one age 29 who's been out there for around 15 months. She came back for a couple of months in the summer which was wonderful.

We miss her very much.
Nobody gives you a manual for this parenting business and this has been the hardest thing ever for us as her parents. I've tried really hard not to guilt trip her about it, all I've ever said is how much we all will miss you which is a factual statement. Successful parenting is raising a child with the confidence to fly the nest and go out into the big world and pray they don't want to settle on the other side of the world
She says she'll be home by next Christmas and I hope she is and stays here. But who knows, she might meet someone special and stay. However, seeing her so obviously happy and well and absolutely thriving out there makes me happy.
It's so hard isn't it?
I'm going out to see her for 3 weeks at the end of February, it will be the farthest I've ever gone in my life!

No one has said they have to stay close, op has discussed her own feelings at a life change, that's OK.

I'd be utterly devastated but also happy for them.

This. I hope you have a great time on your visit. Will be amazing.

OP didn't say that she's never coming back. She said that she's not coming back, which I read as 'not coming back as was planned'.

Maybe because your post was so glib?

My kids live a long way from me. I haven’t got them at home tied to my apron strings. And if They said they were going to Australia I would never let them know how upset I was. But I’d be upset. And sending A kid off to uni abroad is so so different from what the op posted anyway. Her daughter has said she’s staying permanently. You can see the difference I’m sure.

I’d see it as a huge success as a mother - you have given your daughter wings and she’s absolutely flying. She has been bold and brave enough to take up an amazing opportunity, secure in your love and and the knowledge that you’ll always be there for her. That’s truly rare, and something that you should be proud of.
Let’s be honest, she will have far greater opportunities in Australia than in the U.K., she’s making a shrewd move for her future.
I would be over the moon for her, and would be planning how I could visit as much as possible!
Give yourself a big hug, then figure out what the new normal can look like for you all. it will
all be okay!

I was about to mention this too. I am so proud of our First Nations culture and history here in Australia. We have more than Indigenous 250 languages here, and nearly 1000 dialects. Thousands of Dreamings and ceremonies. I’m lucky to have a job working with Traditional Custodians and it’s a massive privilege. I’ve had magical experiences here and my whole outlook on life is different and I’m 1000 times happier for it. It’s impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived here and really taken time to learn more about Australian First Nations culture.

I’d be a hypocrite if I was sad because my DH moved from UK to Australia for a year, met me and never went back. That was almost 30 years ago. Our kids have two passports and I really hope they take advantage of the opportunity to live and work in another country.

My brother lives overseas and one of his kids has recently moved to Australia for Uni. My DD is planning on doing an exchange to the UK during her Uni degree. I love the interesting lives this generation is leading.

We have a big circle of friends here who’ve moved from the UK. They miss their families but only a few have gone back and some who have only stayed a couple of years then returned to Australia because they missed the lifestyle or because the family support they expected didn’t eventuate.

You only need to spend a bit of time on MN reading complaints about families and ILs to know that living in each other’s pockets isn’t enjoyable for a lot of people.

This is really upsetting. I’m in my 40s and immigrated here almost 20 years ago to create a better life for myself and my children… and in extension my entire family. It wasn’t so I could give up on my entire life before. I am aware there are challenges and nothing is perfect but my children are safe and secure and that’s what’s most important to me and my parents.

Thanks everyone! Sorry, I fell asleep shortly after posting this last night. I had no idea I would get so many replies. I'm going to read them all now.

I'm not devastated as such, as I know we can visit, but this just isn't how I thought our lives would pan out. They are going to have children out there, and I think that's when it might really feel shit, as I will not really know my GC. Of course we will visit, but it's very costly. We did go out a few months ago, and it was £10k.

I do have 2 other children who are close by.

You have to be under 35 to get in.

Her DH is also from the UK. They have no family over there whatsoever.

It depends on the visa.

It's great she's found somewhere she really likes to live.

I have zero expectations of my dcs living near me. I want them to feel free and liberated from all sense of duty towards living near me. I would have hated it if my parents had laid that on me.

Forever is a long time. Things can change. She may find she stays in Australia for ten years and then comes back. She may fancy HK or Austria.

Just visit when you can.

Wages are higher in Australia so it’s not so expensive if you live here. My husband is a cop and his equivalent in the UK earns $30k (just under £15k) less than he does. He also gets 9 weeks annual leave, plus superannuation. Needless to say there are a lot of ex UK police here. If I did my job in London I’d also earn $30k less, and who knows what the wage would be in a smaller town. We live about a hour outside Melbourne so housing is cheaper and both work ten mins drive from home. Fuel in the UK is $1 more per litre than in Australia. We also get gov incentives for home solar panels and to buy EVs. Public transport here is still publicly owned so cheap…fares are capped at $10.60 (£5.30) per day to travel anywhere in Victoria. Granted food is cheaper in the UK but not by a huge amount. Eating out here is much cheaper than the UK which is odd considering ingredients are more expensive. One key benefit for the kids is that the gov subsidises public pools, community houses, libraries etc, and play parks and splash parks are free so there’s tons to do without spending money. You can also camp free on Crown land so can have a cheap holiday. And you can take your kids out of school anytime you like and the school just wishes you a nice trip! Surely that’s incentive enough to emigrate 😂

It's visa dependent and there are visas for family members including parents. It also depends on how much money you bring.

Maybe they will have children, and then perhaps the children will go to university in the UK?

I know some people who went out to Australia. They report similar problems to the UK, and are looking forward to a possible change of government soon. It’s not all milk and honey and Australia could be facing a recession soon also.

After my grandparents divorced in the 1950s, my Granddad emigrated to Australia. He stopped paying maintenance for his two young children, remarried and started a new family. His English children never saw or heard from him again and had quite impoverished childhoods.

A few years ago, my parents put our family tree on the Ancestry website. A nice Australian in-law got in touch and gave us some data, until their spouse (one of Mum’s half-siblings) told them not to talk to us. Later the same half-sibling contacted us to demand we remove their name and Granddad’s name from our family tree. Personally, I’d have refused to remove Granddad’s name, but my parents didn’t want any hassle, so took the whole family tree down.

Anyway, it’s a lovely heart-warming story … not.

It actually took longer than usual for the thread to take a turn towards Australia-bashing.

Gosh, who did you book with? If you book far enough in advance it's usually around £1k-£1.5k per person for flights, and then accommodation isn't vastly different in cost from other countries. Far from cheap but £10k sounds extreme!

(Singapore Airlines is having a sale at the moment, worth a look.)

I realise reading all these messages how my attitude has changed. I travelled and lived abroad in my 20s. I am late 40s. My parents late mid-70s. My mum (widowed by my step dad) has recently moved a mile away, was always 50 miles away. Dad has had a nasty accident and I can get there in 2 hours. I realise at this point how much this means to me. If I was far away it would be really tough in their old age. For me and them. My DC gas gained huge amount from having grandparents around. My DS has to live his own life but wanting to be able to see family regularly is absolutely normal. It doesn’t make people selfish.

But it’s equally unselfish to choose to live the life you want without any feeling off duty.

I really feel for you OP. If it helps my in laws are a short drive away and have little to do with my daughter whereas she’s incredibly close to her grandparents in England. They FaceTime all the time. When she was about three I set up Siri so she could ask the iPad to ‘call grandad’ and they talk for hours multiple times a week. She will tuck the phone into bed like they are dolls or prop them up and play cafes or whatever with them and they just play along their end. They read her stories to her, and now she’s 8 and she reads to them. My daughter has ADHD and she is her true self with her grandparents which is how I know she feels totally safe with them as she masks with everyone but us (her parents) and them. My in laws don’t even know about her diagnosis. It’s absolutely possible to be close to your GC, I promise!