Husband late diagnosis of autism-i cant cope with it

[Itsallmakingsense]

Before I start- I want to preface this by saying anything i write I do not mean to be offensive to anyone in anyway and I apologise if it comes across that way.
This is just my personal experience of my own life and how it is impacting us on a family and my emotions around it. It will be long, sorry.

Background- we got together when we were both 16, we are now 40 so have been together a very long time. I was attracted to my husband because he was popular, cool, attractive, brave, and a bit bad. I was a sensible plain Jane from a sensible family, only child.
I loved being his girlfriend. Once we moved in together age 21 I noticed a few things , such as not wanting to socialise. I thought this was very strange as he'd always socialised before and had lots of friends. Life went on, he worked nights and i worked days so weren't together a lot, and at weekends I saw my family and he either stayed home or saw his. I would go out with friends , he stopped.
Once we had children, I started to notice more things. He struggled to engage with them , he is very good at rules and routines and is quite a strict parent but he isn't able to really play with them. There have been countless times where we have been dancing to songs in the living room and he is sitting staring straight ahead.
Over the years , this all culminated into me starting to dislike him very much. I felt our children were suffering and i was doing all the emotional stuff, I felt totally neglected as a wife , he never initiated intimacy, we would often sit in silence and he would never start conversations with me and the worst one is when I chat after a few mins he tells me to stop. He also became reclusive other than going to work. I would take the kids to see his family and he wouldn't come with us.
This built up and i came to the conclusion he doesn't love me or the kids, isn't interested in us.
Time passed and he had what we thought was a nervous breakdown/mental breakdown or something. He couldn't function at all- wouldn't leave his bed or eat. He went from being a smart man to looking like a homeless person, didn't wash, and this went on for a year at that severity.
Had involvement of mental health teams and a psychiatrist who even now see him every week at our home. They thought he had psychosis.
After much treatment, and therapy they made a conclusion that he wasn't following the expected recovery path , or responding to the medication as expected or engaging in the therapy as expected. Based on this and things he had told them they decided he has autism and was actually suffering from autistic burnout.
He was furious with this diagnosis, but after much talking we have both come to the conclusion that it is right.
He has admitted to me that the way he was as a teenager was all an act. Behind closed doors he was very different which all came out when we started to live together. There are also other members of his family who are the same.
Everything now makes so much sense. When he was not engaging with me and the kids it wasn't because he didn't love us but because he was over stimulated and would zone out.
He has also said that he doesn't feel love or have any feelings for anyone - he doesn't understand what that is.
The trouble is, there has been untold damage to our children and our marriage that I can't come back from. I have wanted to separate from him for years and haven't felt strong enough. Now I do feel stronger but now have huge guilt as his behaviours that I interpreted as intentional were not.
The hard part for me is I'm an extremely emotional person- the polar opposite to him. I pick up on the slightest chsnge of emotion and i now feel highly anxious in my own home as I'm always over analysing him.
Is there any way forward in this marriage? Although we now have an answer, non of his behaviours have changed and he gets worse as he gets older. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone who can't show love? I also feel lied to from when we were teenagers. The man i met wasn't him at all and he was fully aware of it.
He also manipulated many situations where he deflected everything onto me and made me feel I was the cause of everything and his behaviours were normal.
Everyone that knows us knows how he is. They never expect him to attend any social events for example. He can also come across as rude and standoffish. My parents and friends don't like him. They don't know his diagnosis as he won't let me tell anyone.
Our kids are teens now and our son has problems . I feel resentment over this is won't lie.

Just to add - his autism diagnosis doesn't bother me and would never have, it was the fact he kept it hidden at the start, lied to me all these past 20 years whilst being fully aware there was an issue- letting myself and the kids think he didn't love us .
This has been going on for nearly 5 years now and I am his carer. He doesn't work anymore and is much happier now just being in a little bubble in the home . I on the other hand , work full time , carry the whole emotional load of the family- and feel smothered by him as he never leaves the house

Divorce him. Life is short. You deserve a happy life. A diagnosis is neither here nor there.

It doesn’t matter if his intentions were to hurt you and the kids or not. What matters is the impact his issues had on you all. Then there’s the gaslighting…
Leave now that you feel able to, and don’t look back. No guilt (easier said than done obviously).
It’ll be hard but not nearly as hard as staying.
Hugs xx

What an incredibly difficult situation you're in.

Is it five years since his diagnosis? Have either/both of you had any therapy to help you come to terms with his diagnosis?

Ultimately I think as much as there might be reasons for someone's behaviour, you have to decide whether you can live with it indefinitely or not.

It sounds as though this is already a pretty unbearable weight for you to shoulder and is impacting your kids. Combined with the trust aspect of him not revealing his true self from the outset I would be making plans to leave if I were in your shoes.

This.

I don’t think he really lied because he didn’t know he was autistic and probably didn’t even realise he was ‘masking’. He was probably really, really confused about what was going on in his head. Autism is so complicated. That doesn’t mean you should stay with him though. Maybe try therapy (if you want to and you’re both willing) but don’t feel like you have to stay, if it’s making you that unhappy it’s okay to leave.

My husband has just been diagnosed at 52, he's in counselling now weekly that is really helping him. It has made his world smaller, in that he will assert himself now rather than suffer. For example last year I went on holiday by myself as he wasn't prepared to put himself through it. We don't do anything much together anymore, haven't had a meal out for a couple of years, except on my birthday when I insisted and had an early lunch at a posh place, but we are working our way around it.

He has help at work with apps, he us allowed to WFH permanently which saves him £600 a month on the commute alone never mind lunches and coffees out. Lockdown was when he really flourished, as life moved more online. Together you can find ways of working it out. I wish you luck.n

It doesn’t sound like much of a marriage
I can sense in your post how much resentment you feel towards him and that you almost feel your relationship was built on a lie and not built on love.

Yes it's been 5 years since the diagnosis. He has accepted it now and seems to use it to his advantage in some respects which i don't like. It's like he now has a valid excuse to never have to go anywhere so now he doesn't, and i can't moan at him about it because he is "ill" he says to me. He still makes me out to be the bad person.
When he was at his worst, I cannot tell you the amount of stress I was under and he wouldn't let me tell anyone as he didn't want them to know. Even my own parents. For a year I had to act as if everything was normal even though we had teams of people in our house for him all the time.
Eventually I cracked and told my parents he had had a breakdown. They haven't helped in any practical way but have given me somewhere to vent. But it makes them dislike him more.
It made me ill. I put on a huge amount of weight through comfort eating, became slightly reclusive myself. I have lost half of my hair as it all fell out and has turned white. And I now have PTSD due to it all.
He laughs in my face if i say any of this , and says there was no impact on the family at all.
I don't know if he says this because he genuinely can't remember as it's all a blur he says, or if it's guilt , or he just doesn't care or isn't able to recognise the impact on us.
Unfortunately our son who is an older teen now despises his father and they don't speak. Which is very hard to live with

And now I feel trapped in the marriage as he doesn't work so where could he go?

You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

Your 'son has issues' - can those issues be explained by autism as it is largely inherited and autistic parents are likely to have autistic children.

It's not true that he can't show love, he just might show it in a different or unexpected way but if you aren't getting what you need from the relationship then it's fine to call if a day.

It doesn’t matter whether he was masking or lying, or whatever. You didn’t sign up to life with this person, you signed up for life with someone he pretended to be, for whatever reason.
Leave him and live your life.

OP, I have a friend who is also going through this but is now in her 70s and leaves she cannot leave. Don't let this be you!

In her case she married what she thought was a charming outgoing man who was a bible bashing priest, had massive churches, was highly regarded in the community but neglected her and their 3 kids. She was furious that he spent all his time either writing sermons, preaching, or visiting little old ladies while she carried the burden at home.

Fast forward to about 10 years ago he completely burnt out and it's become clear that he is autistic. Spends most of the day in bed and looks like a tramp as he hasn't had a shave or haircut in years.

My friend is heartbroken even though the 'treatment' of her was not intentional, but it's not what she signed up for (kids all grown and flown and she feels stuck). Take heed what pp are saying.

I'm autistic and honestly OP, leave. He isnt going to change, he will be very set in his ways.

What you have wrote is very very similar to what happened in my mums last marrige. His autistic side came out more and more the more comfortable he got and he ended up being a hermit and my mum felt so unloved. She tried for years too. Just cut your losses, your not going to ever get what you want from him because he doesnt have the capacity to give it to you

I cant think if its here or reddit but there is a forum where partners of autistic adult men all basically say the same things you have said

Doesnt mean hes a bad person, just means you arnt suited anymore

You can’t say that you feel lied to. He may have been the life and soul of the party at 16 but you knew who he was in your early 20s. You knew how he was as a father after your first child. A diagnosis doesn’t change who he is, it just attaches a label to him. In short, you have known who he is for upwards of 20 years! Go ahead and be angry at yourself for spending decades with someone you are clearly incompatible with and have come to resent. I suggest you don’t spend another 20+ years in the same predicament and, instead, leave him and pursue a life that will invariably make you happier.

At the end of the day the whys and wherefores don’t matter now. What matters is your future. You are miserable. You are resentful. You are angry. None of that is doing you any good.

He has checked out as he now has a reason. He doesn’t have to pretend. So he doesn’t. You can do the same. You don’t have to pretend to be happy with him. You don’t have to stay with him.

He will probably be very happy living alone in a lot of ways. And you and your children will be happier not living with him. And without the pressures of him in the home his relationship with the children may improve.

He didn't lie, it's called masking. Autistic people fake a normal life because they feel so different. It's a coping mechanism. And masking all those years probably lead to his mental burnout.

Having said that it seems you just don't like him so you should split if you don't want to be with him, regardless of his diagnosis.

Just move out, there is no love from him, no respect or help from him and he's making you and your son miserable. There is literally nothing good to stay for.

You're not leaving him because he's ill or because he's autistic, you're leaving him because he's completely checked out of your relationship and family life. He's an adult and he needs to figure out his own place in the world without you.

Actually, he sounds really horrible! My husband is wonderful and we work together really well, I am the opposite of him in so many ways. We are like two halves and together we are stronger.

He is kind, generous and will mask with other people, he has learned from me how to flatter and make small talk with people and is doing really well at work. He had just been told he needs to speak out more on meetings and we are working in that.

I couldn't stay with your husband, how you have described him here, I think there is more than autism going on here. We don't have sex, and I too gained weight lost hair and went white whilst he had burnout for three months last year, but he sought help, engages with it. We practice the tactics together before he goes out by himself, which he will do, he went to boots yesterday to pick up medication.

Your husband seems to be revelling in the diagnosis and using it as an excuse to be an awful shitty person, I'm sorry to say. I think your life would be better without him.

I was on here a few years back with a similar problem. I was with (although not married to or living with) a man who had presented whilst dating as a social, outgoing person who loved to travel and do different and new things, Precisely what I was looking for. However, as we were together it slowly came out that he hated all the things he'd pretended to love at first. The world dwindled and he eventually started using his dog as an excuse to never go anywhere or spend money or do anything new.

All the advice I received was to leave him. I felt dreadful because he genuinely was a lovely man but so obviously autistic that he could only get a girlfriend by masking hugely. I felt cheated, lied to and very very angry (to be honest, I still do) about the deception he practiced. I separated from him and am now perfectly happy but eternally single because I can't get over meeting what I thought was the perfect and compatible man, only to find what an act it had been.

Sorry to make this all about me, but thought that it might be useful to hear that other men do the same thing! And that you can leave them, and that - certainly in the case of my XP - they are happier without you as they can do their own thing entirely.

I feel for you OP. I think my mum is like your husband. I don’t think she feels or knows or truly understands love. She pretends however to be mother of the year and puts on a wonderful act for others. It is devastating. Like you, I put on stacks of weight as a teenager, through comfort eating. I echo others when I say this won’t improve. I would suggest you leave, not just to protect you, but also to give your kids a fresh start. Maybe he’ll also ultimately feel better on his own, in his own world, with all of his own rules. And yes, I relate to that too.

Yes this is exactly what has happened, he tried very hard for 20 years until it all broke down and now he is able to be his true self. I respect that and totally get it- but I can't forgive his complete denial all the way through when I kept telling him i thought something was wrong.
And I am angry at myself for putting up with this for so long but I was ground down by it all to a shell of myself with no self confidence at all.

Yes it is masking.
But it still feels like a lie and has the exact same consequences for the person on the receiving end. The OP thought he was simeine he wasn’t agd would probably not have chosen to settle down with him if she had known. The deception is still there.

I know you said you didn't mean to be offensive and your DH sounds like an idiot.

However, your husband has what's called alexithymia and that's why he can't feel emotions. It's common amongst autistic people but we're not all like that. I'm autistic and I would say that my personality is more like yours than his...very emotional and sensitive and always feeling guilty if I feel that I've not been the perfect mother.

We don't tend to be manipulative either....that's definitely more of a narcissistic trait.

It isn't a deception consciously practiced it is called masking and is a subconscious behavioir that is utilised to help the autistic person survive and navigate life.
Sorry you felt lied to and deceived but please stop the ablesit crap if you don't understand autistic behaviours.

At the end of the day, you can finish a relationship for any reason or none, you aren't happy, he sounds quite horrible as a person anyway aside from the autism, he will need help to find a place to move to likey but that isn't your responsibility.
Make 2025 the year you put yourself first op.