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Original poster

Husband late diagnosis of autism-i cant cope with it

256 replies

Itsallmakingsense · 03/01/2025 11:38

Before I start- I want to preface this by saying anything i write I do not mean to be offensive to anyone in anyway and I apologise if it comes across that way.
This is just my personal experience of my own life and how it is impacting us on a family and my emotions around it. It will be long, sorry.

Background- we got together when we were both 16, we are now 40 so have been together a very long time. I was attracted to my husband because he was popular, cool, attractive, brave, and a bit bad. I was a sensible plain Jane from a sensible family, only child.
I loved being his girlfriend. Once we moved in together age 21 I noticed a few things , such as not wanting to socialise. I thought this was very strange as he'd always socialised before and had lots of friends. Life went on, he worked nights and i worked days so weren't together a lot, and at weekends I saw my family and he either stayed home or saw his. I would go out with friends , he stopped.
Once we had children, I started to notice more things. He struggled to engage with them , he is very good at rules and routines and is quite a strict parent but he isn't able to really play with them. There have been countless times where we have been dancing to songs in the living room and he is sitting staring straight ahead.
Over the years , this all culminated into me starting to dislike him very much. I felt our children were suffering and i was doing all the emotional stuff, I felt totally neglected as a wife , he never initiated intimacy, we would often sit in silence and he would never start conversations with me and the worst one is when I chat after a few mins he tells me to stop. He also became reclusive other than going to work. I would take the kids to see his family and he wouldn't come with us.
This built up and i came to the conclusion he doesn't love me or the kids, isn't interested in us.
Time passed and he had what we thought was a nervous breakdown/mental breakdown or something. He couldn't function at all- wouldn't leave his bed or eat. He went from being a smart man to looking like a homeless person, didn't wash, and this went on for a year at that severity.
Had involvement of mental health teams and a psychiatrist who even now see him every week at our home. They thought he had psychosis.
After much treatment, and therapy they made a conclusion that he wasn't following the expected recovery path , or responding to the medication as expected or engaging in the therapy as expected. Based on this and things he had told them they decided he has autism and was actually suffering from autistic burnout.
He was furious with this diagnosis, but after much talking we have both come to the conclusion that it is right.
He has admitted to me that the way he was as a teenager was all an act. Behind closed doors he was very different which all came out when we started to live together. There are also other members of his family who are the same.
Everything now makes so much sense. When he was not engaging with me and the kids it wasn't because he didn't love us but because he was over stimulated and would zone out.
He has also said that he doesn't feel love or have any feelings for anyone - he doesn't understand what that is.
The trouble is, there has been untold damage to our children and our marriage that I can't come back from. I have wanted to separate from him for years and haven't felt strong enough. Now I do feel stronger but now have huge guilt as his behaviours that I interpreted as intentional were not.
The hard part for me is I'm an extremely emotional person- the polar opposite to him. I pick up on the slightest chsnge of emotion and i now feel highly anxious in my own home as I'm always over analysing him.
Is there any way forward in this marriage? Although we now have an answer, non of his behaviours have changed and he gets worse as he gets older. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone who can't show love? I also feel lied to from when we were teenagers. The man i met wasn't him at all and he was fully aware of it.
He also manipulated many situations where he deflected everything onto me and made me feel I was the cause of everything and his behaviours were normal.
Everyone that knows us knows how he is. They never expect him to attend any social events for example. He can also come across as rude and standoffish. My parents and friends don't like him. They don't know his diagnosis as he won't let me tell anyone.
Our kids are teens now and our son has problems . I feel resentment over this is won't lie.

OP posts:
jubs15 · 10/01/2025 07:16

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 09/01/2025 22:56

@jubs15 @NeedsMustNet

This is factually incorrect!! Autistic people can feel empathy and can care when told a partner feels neglected or whatever the partner communicates. I'm autistic and feel deep deep empathy it's actually crippling at times. I'm constantly checking myself to make sure I give space in conversation and asking questions about the other person, remember what they say and ask about that again in a few days time. It's not natural to me but I absolutely can do it when I know a partner needs that. It's not that I don't care it's that I can't understand what this NT obsession is with needing to be asked about yourself- if I want to talk to a partner I would just talk- if I needed support or felt unloved I'd just tell them. To me the NT way is the mind games, getting offended because you don't want to have to speak up and expect to be asked. BUT I understand that to a NT partner asking about them and giving huge pauses to give them a chance to speak is how they feel I care. So I do it. And I can do it. It takes effort to remember but can absolutely be done. I once set a reminder on my phone to ask an ex how his day at work was because he said I never asked and didn't seem to care he had a bad day. I adapted. He refused to adapt in return and just fucking tell me he had a bad day but it was no great cost to me to set the reminder and concisely monitor is face and body when he gets home to determine is mood and if he needed support.

It's not that we don't care it's that we work differently. like that example of the phone call just talking about himself then hanging up. He probably expects you to interject and carve out the space. You should see me conversing with some of my autistic friends and family we just start talking over each other amd the other gives way and either circles back if they hadn't finished that part of the conversation or it moves on. It's very different to NT conversation. It's always this expectation that the autistic person should change how they communicate not the NT person. And this horrible myth that because we don't naturally prompt others participation we don't care. For me being prompted like that can feel very invasive, if I wanted to talk about my weekend or my sick parent I would 🤷‍♀️.

It's called masking. When you force yourself to adapt to the NT ways of doing these things. And it costs us emotional energy. It exhausting running through checklist ls in my head constantly to make sure I'm meeting NT social requirements. I can and do do it. I work and socialise with NTs. It would be nice not to have to mask constantly for a partner but generally remembering to ask how their day was or if the sick relative is any better doesn't cost much. If your partner is functioning and working and living an independent life out of supported accommodation then they can mask for an extra few minutes or half an hour to please a partner. I think of it like the love language acts of service. I feel loved when a partner unloads the dishwasher they feel loved when I vocalise my interest in them and their thoughts and feelings. And actually if you live someone you do want to know these things and would be getting upset your partner never shared which would trigger you to remember NT people like to be asked and prompted.

I read descriptions of autistic people and they are being called unempathetic or uncaring and selfish. Whatever variation on that. And it can seem that way if the autistic person doesn't understand the differences in NT/ASD communication. But once told they can make the effort for their partners if they care (and if the partners give a little in return). Most often these descriptions are just of selfish men who happen to be autistic. You can be both. Just like you can be autistic and narcissistic or autistic with a personality disorder. It's not fair to say all autistic people are like this and quite frankly it's offensive

FFS, read what I wrote. I said autistic people can be very different to each other and that my experience wouldn't be everyone else's.

I spent 6 years doing all the adapting, compromising and sacrificing to meet my exes' needs, to the point where I was chronically depressed and seeing a therapist at the hospital. At some point, my needs have to matter too and my exes could not understand that. The counselling gave me the strength to walk away and save what was left of my sanity.

Rainbow03 · 10/01/2025 07:32

jubs15 · 10/01/2025 07:16

FFS, read what I wrote. I said autistic people can be very different to each other and that my experience wouldn't be everyone else's.

I spent 6 years doing all the adapting, compromising and sacrificing to meet my exes' needs, to the point where I was chronically depressed and seeing a therapist at the hospital. At some point, my needs have to matter too and my exes could not understand that. The counselling gave me the strength to walk away and save what was left of my sanity.

Show quote history

This is an awful lot like my ex husband. I think it depends on how much awareness the ND has gained or been taught or just naturally has. My ex simply thought I didn’t have or need any feelings about anything. There weren’t allowed and simply dismissed as me being sensitive because they were inconsequential to him. He had never learned about feelings so just assumed we were all the same. Ignoring your own feelings does an awful lot of damage. Our joint daughter is the same but it’s been picked up early and the school are teaching her.

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 10/01/2025 08:27

@jubs15 I'm sorry that was your experience. My experience is the opposite that I'm the one making all the changes to accommodate how a NT partner works and all problems blamed on me being too sensitive or autistic. The common denomination is these are men treating women badly. I don't think it's fair to blame autism and by perpetuating this belief autistic people don't care about others is letting adults get away with terrible behaviour and causing us to not work on feelings and relationships with they children because it's believed they can't do it. I'm sorry my reaction was extreme but can you imagine how it would feel if I picked a demographic you fit and said not understanding or caring about others is a real problem in this group of people in my experience. Then you hear it over and over again and have that levelled at your children too. It's sociopaths and psychopaths who who don't care or connect with others NOT autism. It's just so incredibly offensive and constantly said.

I did apologise to the other poster for my rant. There were a lot of posts were these negative falsehoods about autism were perpetuated yesterday I had a short fuse

Peridot1 · 10/01/2025 09:31

Have any of you people arguing amongst yourselves realised that the OP hasn’t posted on this thread for a week? She posted looking for help and support and her thread has gone off in a tangent and been hijacked by people arguing amongst themselves.

RockOrAHardplace · 10/01/2025 12:49

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 09/01/2025 22:56

@jubs15 @NeedsMustNet

This is factually incorrect!! Autistic people can feel empathy and can care when told a partner feels neglected or whatever the partner communicates. I'm autistic and feel deep deep empathy it's actually crippling at times. I'm constantly checking myself to make sure I give space in conversation and asking questions about the other person, remember what they say and ask about that again in a few days time. It's not natural to me but I absolutely can do it when I know a partner needs that. It's not that I don't care it's that I can't understand what this NT obsession is with needing to be asked about yourself- if I want to talk to a partner I would just talk- if I needed support or felt unloved I'd just tell them. To me the NT way is the mind games, getting offended because you don't want to have to speak up and expect to be asked. BUT I understand that to a NT partner asking about them and giving huge pauses to give them a chance to speak is how they feel I care. So I do it. And I can do it. It takes effort to remember but can absolutely be done. I once set a reminder on my phone to ask an ex how his day at work was because he said I never asked and didn't seem to care he had a bad day. I adapted. He refused to adapt in return and just fucking tell me he had a bad day but it was no great cost to me to set the reminder and concisely monitor is face and body when he gets home to determine is mood and if he needed support.

It's not that we don't care it's that we work differently. like that example of the phone call just talking about himself then hanging up. He probably expects you to interject and carve out the space. You should see me conversing with some of my autistic friends and family we just start talking over each other amd the other gives way and either circles back if they hadn't finished that part of the conversation or it moves on. It's very different to NT conversation. It's always this expectation that the autistic person should change how they communicate not the NT person. And this horrible myth that because we don't naturally prompt others participation we don't care. For me being prompted like that can feel very invasive, if I wanted to talk about my weekend or my sick parent I would 🤷‍♀️.

It's called masking. When you force yourself to adapt to the NT ways of doing these things. And it costs us emotional energy. It exhausting running through checklist ls in my head constantly to make sure I'm meeting NT social requirements. I can and do do it. I work and socialise with NTs. It would be nice not to have to mask constantly for a partner but generally remembering to ask how their day was or if the sick relative is any better doesn't cost much. If your partner is functioning and working and living an independent life out of supported accommodation then they can mask for an extra few minutes or half an hour to please a partner. I think of it like the love language acts of service. I feel loved when a partner unloads the dishwasher they feel loved when I vocalise my interest in them and their thoughts and feelings. And actually if you live someone you do want to know these things and would be getting upset your partner never shared which would trigger you to remember NT people like to be asked and prompted.

I read descriptions of autistic people and they are being called unempathetic or uncaring and selfish. Whatever variation on that. And it can seem that way if the autistic person doesn't understand the differences in NT/ASD communication. But once told they can make the effort for their partners if they care (and if the partners give a little in return). Most often these descriptions are just of selfish men who happen to be autistic. You can be both. Just like you can be autistic and narcissistic or autistic with a personality disorder. It's not fair to say all autistic people are like this and quite frankly it's offensive

I so agree, everyone whether autistic or not has different personality traits and just because you are autistic does not preclude you from certain other personality traits.

My husband is autistic and he is amazing, the pros way outweigh the cons which in his case are negligible anyway. Every Autistic person presents differently and sadly in the case of the OP her husband is selfish to the extreme which may well have nothing to do with his Autism.

My ASD brother is pig headed to the point of stupidity sometimes and it gets him in no end of trouble as he is highly intelligent. But the two are not necessarily connected.

And its unfortunately. that she was not aware he was autistic when they met and that he was masking it. But equally you need to understand that if you fall in love with someone when you don't know they are masking, the reality can be a shock.

Cursieputed · 10/01/2025 14:14

Peridot1 · 10/01/2025 09:31

Have any of you people arguing amongst yourselves realised that the OP hasn’t posted on this thread for a week? She posted looking for help and support and her thread has gone off in a tangent and been hijacked by people arguing amongst themselves.

Absolutely agree with this

This thread has been derailed with reams and reams of text, but nothing to help OP

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