I could have written this in relation to my elder brother who was diagnosed in his early 50's after the proverbial hit the fan. He won't acknowledge the diagnosis unless its to his advantage.
We always knew he was different but the older he has got the more reclusive he has become and doesn't seem to have any consideration for other people at all. He can do what he wants and my Mum blames it on the autism, its his "get out of goal free" card for everything. He is a high functioning autistic who has professional qualifications and his own business. In his business he understands what he needs to do to be professional but can't apply that same rational to his family life.
Knowing about his diagnosis, explains a lot. My brother has always absolved himself of any responsibility for everything and put himself first, he has no ability to empathise. He is lonely and miserable. I take no joy in seeing him like this and the older he gets the worse he is. He is not trying to improve his lot, he is sinking into abject misery and taking us with him.
I also have a young niece (in my husbands family) who is autistic and it profoundly affects her life. But she tries. She doesn't interpret emotions in the way I do, but she has come to understand social "norms" for lack of a better word and will hug you upon meeting and then pats you on the back to signal its over. She knows I like to play Uno etc and she will volunteer to play although I do know she hates it. It means nothing to her emotionally, other than she is trying to fit in and understand my needs. I can work with that. They can't help being autistic but they also need to help themselves and not expect everything to be done for them and this is where I struggle with my brother.
Elderly Mum is told (not asked) he is coming for Sunday lunch, he wants it at 2pm, Mum falls in line with it, nuts to the rest of us that were invited at 12. 2pm comes, no brother, Mum will not dish up until he comes. 4pm comes no brother and he isn't answering the phone. We get burnt and mushy offerings. Two days later he rings up and says he is on his way as if nothing had happened. Mum makes him another meal and says nothing.
When he started doing this (he lives very far away) we were pulling our hair out from worry, imagining him in a ditch somewhere or lying unconscious in his bed. But no, he has simply changed his mind and is not coming. We are supposed to be psychic. Along with his Autism, he also has demand avoidance so when we ring, to find out where he is, he can't cope so avoids the call. He does not do this at work, he makes an appt with a client, and if he is going to be late, he rings and lets them know. But when it comes to family, and there maybe an emotional element to the call, he cannot face it and will not make the call - this is demand avoidance.
He won't join in stuff for the greater good or because it makes them happy whereas my niece does. I genuinely believe that autism doesn't rule out other personality traits too.
I understand that it is how he is wired and that he has coping mechanisms in place to protect himself but constantly having to sacrifice my own wellbeing and that of my families for him is annihilating the family dynamics. I am forever left dealing with the fallout and get nothing from the relationship. I love him, he is my brother and I want him safe and happy but he is incapable of making any effort to meet me even part way. In my family, our needs have constantly been sacrificed for him and I shamefully say I cannot cope any longer.
What really gets me is that when I explain how I feel, all I consistently get is....he can't help it. No one denies this, but they won't accept from me that I can't help the way it makes me feel and has me on my knees because of how it affects the family dynamics.
So I say this to you, you need to sit your husband down and tell him that you understand that no-one spotted his autism when he was younger and if they had, things may have been different. But he is becoming more and more withdrawn and you no longer feel any loving emotional exchange between you, you feel more like his carer and its not the right environment for the kids.
Tell him he needs to try and get counselling and support and at least try to address some of the issues you have, otherwise you are walking away with the kids.
Do not let him or others guilt trip you.