Husband late diagnosis of autism-i cant cope with it

[Itsallmakingsense]

Before I start- I want to preface this by saying anything i write I do not mean to be offensive to anyone in anyway and I apologise if it comes across that way.
This is just my personal experience of my own life and how it is impacting us on a family and my emotions around it. It will be long, sorry.

Background- we got together when we were both 16, we are now 40 so have been together a very long time. I was attracted to my husband because he was popular, cool, attractive, brave, and a bit bad. I was a sensible plain Jane from a sensible family, only child.
I loved being his girlfriend. Once we moved in together age 21 I noticed a few things , such as not wanting to socialise. I thought this was very strange as he'd always socialised before and had lots of friends. Life went on, he worked nights and i worked days so weren't together a lot, and at weekends I saw my family and he either stayed home or saw his. I would go out with friends , he stopped.
Once we had children, I started to notice more things. He struggled to engage with them , he is very good at rules and routines and is quite a strict parent but he isn't able to really play with them. There have been countless times where we have been dancing to songs in the living room and he is sitting staring straight ahead.
Over the years , this all culminated into me starting to dislike him very much. I felt our children were suffering and i was doing all the emotional stuff, I felt totally neglected as a wife , he never initiated intimacy, we would often sit in silence and he would never start conversations with me and the worst one is when I chat after a few mins he tells me to stop. He also became reclusive other than going to work. I would take the kids to see his family and he wouldn't come with us.
This built up and i came to the conclusion he doesn't love me or the kids, isn't interested in us.
Time passed and he had what we thought was a nervous breakdown/mental breakdown or something. He couldn't function at all- wouldn't leave his bed or eat. He went from being a smart man to looking like a homeless person, didn't wash, and this went on for a year at that severity.
Had involvement of mental health teams and a psychiatrist who even now see him every week at our home. They thought he had psychosis.
After much treatment, and therapy they made a conclusion that he wasn't following the expected recovery path , or responding to the medication as expected or engaging in the therapy as expected. Based on this and things he had told them they decided he has autism and was actually suffering from autistic burnout.
He was furious with this diagnosis, but after much talking we have both come to the conclusion that it is right.
He has admitted to me that the way he was as a teenager was all an act. Behind closed doors he was very different which all came out when we started to live together. There are also other members of his family who are the same.
Everything now makes so much sense. When he was not engaging with me and the kids it wasn't because he didn't love us but because he was over stimulated and would zone out.
He has also said that he doesn't feel love or have any feelings for anyone - he doesn't understand what that is.
The trouble is, there has been untold damage to our children and our marriage that I can't come back from. I have wanted to separate from him for years and haven't felt strong enough. Now I do feel stronger but now have huge guilt as his behaviours that I interpreted as intentional were not.
The hard part for me is I'm an extremely emotional person- the polar opposite to him. I pick up on the slightest chsnge of emotion and i now feel highly anxious in my own home as I'm always over analysing him.
Is there any way forward in this marriage? Although we now have an answer, non of his behaviours have changed and he gets worse as he gets older. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone who can't show love? I also feel lied to from when we were teenagers. The man i met wasn't him at all and he was fully aware of it.
He also manipulated many situations where he deflected everything onto me and made me feel I was the cause of everything and his behaviours were normal.
Everyone that knows us knows how he is. They never expect him to attend any social events for example. He can also come across as rude and standoffish. My parents and friends don't like him. They don't know his diagnosis as he won't let me tell anyone.
Our kids are teens now and our son has problems . I feel resentment over this is won't lie.

But look at the post made by someone else - her husband did EXACTLY this.
Reverted to a 'charmer' and reeled the next woman in to be his handmaiden.

Men {ALL men and women} put their best face forwards when in the dating scene.

I

It’s not chilling! It’s the opposite of that.

It comes from a place of profound shame and confusion and constantly berating yourself why you can’t function like everyone else.

She literally did sign up to it, she married him. Marrying someone is always a step into the unknown.

Other than that, yeah it's a pain. My daughter's blind and 20 years in I'm so fed up with it. Still trips over stuff left lying around, won't learn to drive, struggles to do simple household tasks. Feels manipulative - I didn't sign up for this.

Wow thank you for all the comments, I have read them all and they are giving me strength that I need to move forward.
Just regarding a few things:
My son is 14. His behaviours are attention seeking. This is put down purely to the fact he gets nothing from his own father.
When my husband was really ill, I sat the children down and explained to them what was happening and that he didn't mean it . He didn't want me to tell them anything but I have. His mental health team offer family support services but he won't allow them too.
His therapies have all been cancelled and given up on by the team and the therapists. He won't engage with him, sits in silence or yes and no answers. Won't tell them anything. Won't accept help apart from medication.
Medications were given to treat depression and psychosis as that's what they thought it was but they haven't worked much. They did bring him out of lying in bed all day though and reduced his anxiety. He is still on them as we are too scared to take him off.
Work- he worked in senior management and earnt a lot. Quite astoundingly , he could give presentations infront of hundreds of people. And was confident in his job. The professionals think this is because he was confident in his knowledge of the job and could read from a pre planned script.
We have now lost that income and I only earn minimum wage so our lives have drastically changed

That may well be an individual’s experience but that is not my experience of most people with ASD who mask including my dd.

I suggest you read up about masking.

It’s not a conscious act.

The person with ASD copies the behaviours of people who they consider to be “normal” so they can survive in a non-ND world. It’s a survival strategy that people, especially girls and women who are socialised differently to men, do in order to survive.

This thread, in essence, demonstrates why living with ASD is such a lonely, depressing and anxiety-provoking experience. Because you are on the outside of society. And judged so terribly harshly for something you yourself can’t understand or help.

@Howmanyshoeboxesdoesittake being in the spectrum is hard because it means living with a disability.
Despite what the social construct theories say, life with a disability is hard mainly because of the disability. Yes being more understanding, having mitigations in place etc… help. It does. But it’s not going to make all struggles associated with being g autistic (or disabled) away.

I have a major issue with blaming society/NT for the struggles of autistic people. Basically saying that NT aren’t trying hard enough.
The reality is that ND and NT brains don’t work the same and understanding each other is always going to be hard.
Just like I have a neurological disease that means I’m struggling in a day to day basis. And I’ve yet to meet anyone who truly gets it that doesn’t have my illness (or something closely related).

It’s not about ‘not understanding’ or not having made the effort to learn about a condition. Its the fact that fir many conditions, the wide ranging impact and effect on everyday life is simply so far away from most people experiences that it’s not understandable.

Lets stop the shaming.

But we DO understand, we read & absorb & be the best versions of ourselves to help the autistic person. It doesn't stop it from feeling like you're emotionally abused.

I say this as I sit in my bedroom avoiding the worst parts of an autistic meltdown- I've been kicked very hard twice & my tears mean nothing. I'll rally myself soon & take him to a pre-booked activity that I can't stand because I'm his mum. I'll mask that I'm enjoying it, bevsyse otherwise that'll displease him. Do I DO know how depressing life can feel.

It's NOT ableist for the OP or others to show how they're struggling. In the kindest possible way, perhaps your own single-mindedness prevents you from seeing the other point if view?

I'm surprised you're using ASD, as many in the autistic community object to the word 'disorder'. I personal use autism or ASC (condition), but thay can also be objected to as they see it only as a difference, not a condition.
.

It's not his fault he's autistic and it's not yours either. But you are clearly incompatible and the fact he claims not to love his family and does not care about the weight on you means it's irretrievable. Your son already knows this.

You have no obligation to spend your life facilitating his for no return. It's not a noble or worthy thing to do, it's just a terrible waste.

OP I am also married to autistic DH and for years questioned what was wrong with me and why Dh didn’t seem to love me in the way I know as love. It’s only when DD was diagnosed aged 9 I realised it comes from him. The veil lifted. Two years ago I started reading the MN threads shown above, where mostly women share their experiences of being married to a ND partner,

My DH is very successful and makes a lot of money and this means I don’t work - I have two special needs kids which are extremely draining and time consuming supporting them, they are more affected than DH.

i can’t imagine doing EVERYTHING and then having a loveless marriage and a partner not contributing ANYTHING.

You need to leave this man. He will suddenly find a way to support himself. When push comes to shove, people find a way. At the moment he is enabled by you to continue being a victim.

It’s not his fault that he has a diagnosis but everyone must try to find a solution half way. It’s not just on the NT to bend over backwards and this is something repeatedly seen on the threads where we discuss the horrific mental toll it takes on NT to live with ND partners where our mental and physical health suffers because a diagnosis always trumps our needs.

Divorce this man and get your life, zest and soul back. It is nobodies fault. All you can do from here is build forwards for yourself and your DC.

Oh also I am 100% certain he is either a psychopath or sociopath which absolutely terrifies me. I have mentioned this to his nurse. I am scared of him.
He has never done anything to me or the children but I worry what's going on inside his head , and worry that he seems to have no feelings about anything.
He doesn't celebrate his birthday or accept gifts for Xmas. He worries me alot and that is why I stay mostly until the kids are older.

Don't be so obtuse. You have zero idea until you live with it. Take a walk in my shoes for a week, then come back & chat.

And OP didn't sign up for a life with autism. If it was clear beforehand you have a point, but it wasn't.

The fact he won't allow his kids to access support services is unforgivable. Can you arrange for this to start?

Whatever has caused this all he is being very selfish. Having autism and a breakdown doesn't excuse treating your wife and children this badly. He should want the best for them and for them to get all the support they can.

I have much beloved friends and family with autism. Treating someone ND as incapable of having loving relationships because they are ND is insulting to other ND people.

My DH also doesn’t accept gifts or celebrate his birthday or Christmas. Classic sign of autism if I may say so…

He hates parties or any reason needed to socialise.

i have started taking my children on holiday on my own and it’s so nice. No stress! 😎

OP I would see a solicitor and find out where you stand. Divorce is very hard but you can do it. The freedom on the over side is worth it 💪

Again, it seems irrelevant to me what the cause of his behavior is. He wanted you to lie to the children about him, he wouldn't let them access support despite one DC having difficulties because of DH's behaviour. This is abuse.

I’m really sorry op. That does sound incredibly difficult with all of the burden of working and childcare and the stress of your dh’s condition falling on you. I have every sympathy with you. No one would blame you at all if you needed to leave your dh to improve your circumstances and those of your dc.

What those of us on here who are advocating for people with ASD are saying is that certain aspects of your dh’s behaviour are not down to optional or the personal failings of your dh. Of course every autistic person is as individual as the next but there will be many things he won’t be able to help.

It’s very hard for his generation of men who were born at a time when there was so little awareness of the condition. And I am really sorry that you are dealing with the fallout of that.

Can you stay with your parents at all?

The solicitor will send a letter to him at your address to initiate divorce if you can’t bare talking to him about it.

This is sometimes the way it is done. Then it can be better to leave the house for a few days to let it settle in and stay with your parents.

You could talk on the phone.

many of us on the MN threads have autoimmune diseases, we often think brought on the stress of living with this set up.

I would imagine if you stay you will just get iller.

It sounds horrific OP, and as you've said in your last post this is more than "just" autism.

I think you should proceed with arranging help for your children asap - your husband doesn't have to know.

I'd also start looking into separating (get your ducks in a row, as we often read on MN) If your children are teenagers then their wishes in regards to contact with their father will be taken into account - and it doesn't sound like your husband would want to have much to do with them anyway. If you can get yourself and the children away from him, then it doesn't sound like you will be at as much risk given that he is housebound.

I wish you luck and happiness for the future, you are still young and you deserve it. So do your children. You own that man nothing, you've done more than enough for him already. Put yourself first now

You know, OP, I didn't want to say this before because I'm not an expert (though I am ND) and I didn't feel it was appropriate or helpful... but based on what you've told us, this crossed my mind. It sounded more like this than autism; autistic people are often very empathetic even if they can't read social cues easily (autistic children will often cry if another child is crying). Difficulty with navigating and understanding social atmospheres, or not being able to understand why people feel a certain way is not the same thing at all as being totally unfeeling and uncaring.

What you said about him being totally charming and a bit of a bad boy for as long as it suited him didn't sound to me like autism, it sounded like absolute manipulation, and while I know childhood sweethearts who last forever do exist, they don't seem to work on that dynamic. If this is actually who he is, then he's done what's needed to get what he wants and he won't have any other thoughts on it. You must get out.

"I am scared of him."

Do you have any idea how huge a statement that is? It is one sentence buried on page 5 of posts but it is the biggest issue of all. You have to leave.

Also OP I don’t know if you can see this but he has controlled and abused you.

not allowing you to tell your parents. That’s brutal. That’s ridiculous. He cannot mute and censor you like that.

That should be a very powerful warning to you that you have lost your agency and that this man has controlled you far beyond what could ever be considered moral or normal.

Also yes that he priories his own needs above his own child’s. He is utterly controlling and unable to consider others feelings or fundamental needs. You must get away from him. He will only cause further damage because he cannot procure balanced relationships, it will always be about him and his needs.

Your hair falling out and going white: the body keeps the score.

What else will he do to you?

You're not an emotional support animal OP. With your husband I wouldn't hesitate to move on.

It's trickier when - as with my DH - there are many good qualities that made and make it hard to walk away. Basically a decent man who struggles with 'normal' emotional expression but showers us with love in very practical ways eg taking the role of provider really seriously, being a very hands on dad.

I can't see a single redeeming feature in your DH and yes it definitely sounds like more than autism. Personality disorders can very much coexist with Autism. Autism and ASPD is an especially worrying combination.

As for reporting the person who posted about 'masking to reel the next victim in' - I've watched this happen with my friend's ex husband and 100% my husband would do it if I were to leave him. 100%. I don't know why it would be reported.

He doesn't celebrate his birthday or accept gifts for Xmas.

I'm autistic and I don't like gifts or celebrating my birthday either - I don't think this suggests he's a psychopath.

I dint think it’s not celebrating birthday that makes the OP thinks he is a psychopath.
But rather the fact she is deeply scared of him

You have to get out. What support do you have? Could you and your kids stay with your parents while you start divorce proceedings?

I’m wondering if women’s aid could help because he’s cutting you off from mental health services and effectively totally isolating you by not allowing you to be honest with your family, etc. It’s emotional abuse. Whether this is down to his own feelings of shame or not, the end result is the same.

@NonPlayerCharacter this bit of your post really is a good description of my husband:

You know, OP, I didn't want to say this before... It sounded more like this than autism; autistic people are often very empathetic even if they can't read social cues easily (autistic children will often cry if another child is crying). Difficulty with navigating and understanding social atmospheres, or not being able to understand why people feel a certain way is not the same thing at all as being totally unfeeling and uncaring.

It's why I waited and hoped for so long I think. And in his defence, DH does try really hard. I didn't always appreciate how hard he was trying.