Husband late diagnosis of autism-i cant cope with it

[Itsallmakingsense]

Before I start- I want to preface this by saying anything i write I do not mean to be offensive to anyone in anyway and I apologise if it comes across that way.
This is just my personal experience of my own life and how it is impacting us on a family and my emotions around it. It will be long, sorry.

Background- we got together when we were both 16, we are now 40 so have been together a very long time. I was attracted to my husband because he was popular, cool, attractive, brave, and a bit bad. I was a sensible plain Jane from a sensible family, only child.
I loved being his girlfriend. Once we moved in together age 21 I noticed a few things , such as not wanting to socialise. I thought this was very strange as he'd always socialised before and had lots of friends. Life went on, he worked nights and i worked days so weren't together a lot, and at weekends I saw my family and he either stayed home or saw his. I would go out with friends , he stopped.
Once we had children, I started to notice more things. He struggled to engage with them , he is very good at rules and routines and is quite a strict parent but he isn't able to really play with them. There have been countless times where we have been dancing to songs in the living room and he is sitting staring straight ahead.
Over the years , this all culminated into me starting to dislike him very much. I felt our children were suffering and i was doing all the emotional stuff, I felt totally neglected as a wife , he never initiated intimacy, we would often sit in silence and he would never start conversations with me and the worst one is when I chat after a few mins he tells me to stop. He also became reclusive other than going to work. I would take the kids to see his family and he wouldn't come with us.
This built up and i came to the conclusion he doesn't love me or the kids, isn't interested in us.
Time passed and he had what we thought was a nervous breakdown/mental breakdown or something. He couldn't function at all- wouldn't leave his bed or eat. He went from being a smart man to looking like a homeless person, didn't wash, and this went on for a year at that severity.
Had involvement of mental health teams and a psychiatrist who even now see him every week at our home. They thought he had psychosis.
After much treatment, and therapy they made a conclusion that he wasn't following the expected recovery path , or responding to the medication as expected or engaging in the therapy as expected. Based on this and things he had told them they decided he has autism and was actually suffering from autistic burnout.
He was furious with this diagnosis, but after much talking we have both come to the conclusion that it is right.
He has admitted to me that the way he was as a teenager was all an act. Behind closed doors he was very different which all came out when we started to live together. There are also other members of his family who are the same.
Everything now makes so much sense. When he was not engaging with me and the kids it wasn't because he didn't love us but because he was over stimulated and would zone out.
He has also said that he doesn't feel love or have any feelings for anyone - he doesn't understand what that is.
The trouble is, there has been untold damage to our children and our marriage that I can't come back from. I have wanted to separate from him for years and haven't felt strong enough. Now I do feel stronger but now have huge guilt as his behaviours that I interpreted as intentional were not.
The hard part for me is I'm an extremely emotional person- the polar opposite to him. I pick up on the slightest chsnge of emotion and i now feel highly anxious in my own home as I'm always over analysing him.
Is there any way forward in this marriage? Although we now have an answer, non of his behaviours have changed and he gets worse as he gets older. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with someone who can't show love? I also feel lied to from when we were teenagers. The man i met wasn't him at all and he was fully aware of it.
He also manipulated many situations where he deflected everything onto me and made me feel I was the cause of everything and his behaviours were normal.
Everyone that knows us knows how he is. They never expect him to attend any social events for example. He can also come across as rude and standoffish. My parents and friends don't like him. They don't know his diagnosis as he won't let me tell anyone.
Our kids are teens now and our son has problems . I feel resentment over this is won't lie.

I dint think it’s not celebrating birthday that makes the OP thinks he is a psychopath.
But rather the fact she is deeply scared of him

It seems odd that this random piece of information was sandwiched between "he has no feelings" and "he worries me a lot" in a post specifically about his being a psychopath, if it's nowt to do with that though.

I apologise for the use of the term ASD. I don’t live in the UK and the term is used the most where I am but I will of course not use it any further.

I agree with the rest of your post. Like you I have been through some appalling trials with my dd including physical violence to herself and me. I know how draining and depressing it is having to carry on and do the best you can every day with little to no emotional reward in return.

My post was replying to someone who is blaming the person and not the autism itself and it’s really important we keep that distinction very clear.

My dd is acutely aware of how differently she is wired to others and it causes her endless distress. It’s so offensive when people imply that autistic people are manipulative and intentionally masking when the last thing she wants to be is autistic. She just wants to be like her friends.

We haven’t got to the stage of therapy yet where she can see any positives yet because it restricts her life to such an extreme degree.

There is a difference to feeling emotionally abused by a person or emotionally abused by their “condition” - sorry I can’t think of another suitable term.

Why are you not offended when people on this thread describe masking as manipulative and intentional?

Of course I have every sympathy with someone dealing with the fallout because I am that person! If that doesn’t come across in my posts it’s probably because, in my own mind it goes without saying, because it’s already understood.

I'm autistic. Diagnosed in my thirties.

There's no way he was even aware he was masking at 16 when you met him. I masked heavily at school and through my early twenties to fit in, I assumed this was part of my personality. I had heard people say they were exhausted after social events and assumed everybody felt as I did and that I was simply and introvert. I didn't understand that masking was exhausting and that I was burnt out. I didn't understand the moods that would follow were meltdowns and shutdowns.

Your husband shut down entirely which tells me something in his life is too stressful. I would think it's probably having children. While I lacked the self insight to realise I was masking and neurodiverse, I did understand that I could not be my upbeat normal self 24 hours a day every day. I never had children because I would have burnt out and not able to cope with them. I would do things they would find psychologically distressing, they would want to be loved and touched when I needed to be alone etc. They would see me and live with me flipping between being 'normal' and then seemingly depressed, snappy, frustrated, reclusive, angry, tearful etc. and it would not be fair to them. I also struggle to feel affection for things that I find to be an enormous burden, I'm not a psychopath I just quickly disengage from things and people if they are hard or irritating. Even my own relatives. The logical part of my brain overrides the emotional and I find the relationship to be watered down to a effort Vs reward equation. When I'm burnt out even seemingly trivial things can seem like they require absolutely enormous effort.

I do think you should leave, becsuse there's really not much else you can do. If you wanted to see if your marriage can be saved you could consider trial separation and maybe then looking at being together apart, if you live separately you will likely find when you see him he is able to mask and he can decompress in his own space away from you and you won't have to see that side of him as much. He will likely also have more energy after being on his own. I would guess he does love you and the children but because you're right on top of him he's struggling to see it for the more pressing emotions, like frustration, doubt, overwhelm etc because he's probably not capable of processing multiple emotions simultaneously. If you spend some time apart you may find he can realise these feelings, which again, I think is essential if you want to try to salvage the marriage. If you spend time apart and he is still not capable of loving you or his children then you have your answer and there's no point trying to reconcile.

I'm adding random things as I'm adding the info as and when I'm thinking of it
It's not all necessary related to other things in the same comment. I put about the birthdays and gifts as fact
The sociopath /psychopath is because he has openly admitted he doesn't care for anyone. Doesn't love anyone. Doesn't care about himself. Doesn't feel anything for others when they are suffering. Can't empathise. Had a mean streak that I am scared of. Holds grudges . Doesn't seem to care about his own son suffering because of him. The list is endless

My mind is now completely made up that this can't go on any longer and i want to separate
Now i need to come up with how to do it so it's fair on both sides. I do care about him and i don't want to cause undue suffering.
Without going into lots of detail , my parents own our home so myself and the children would need to stay here and he would need to move out. Because he's off work and just claiming high rate pip I don't know where he could go or what he could do. He would not want to go to his parents. He no longer has any friends he could stay with. He couldn't get a mortgage or rent i don't think as income not enough and not working. What would happen to him?

Op I have every sympathy with you but if you think your dh is a psychopath or sociopath and you are scared of him then you should have stated that very clearly in the opening post. It’s quite a big drip feed.

All of my replies to date have been geared to autism when clearly there is a lot more going on.

Can I ask why you don't like gifts? Thanks.

He may not want to go to his parents but if he has that option he's fortunate.

He'll probably switch the charm on again and find another woman to keep him, after doing all he can in his own best interests when you separate, no thought for you or the kids. People like this put themselves first...you don't need to worry about that.

I really don't think this is autism, OP. I guess it doesn't matter whether it is or it isn't, since you have to get out regardless. But there's cruelty and intention in there which I just don't think are autistic traits.

@Oreyt because it runs in his family but half of the family (STBExH included), refuse to go and get an official diagnosis. He presents with all the traits.

A lack of empathy can look like cruelty and intention. Just saying…

Where is the line?? This is what I ask myself repeatedly.

And yes I agree he must start with going back to his parents. If he has that option then this is a good place to start.

many many divorcees end up back at their parents. He won’t be the first, he won’t be the last.

Proud and happy for you OP. Life is going to improve immensely.

Not knowing what it is, not liking surprises, not knowing if you're going to like it and all the social expectation around it.

As cold as it sounds, this isn't your problem.

What you need to focus on now is extracting yourself from a one-way relationship. It won't be easy but it will be for the best.

He'll have to figure out what he can and can't do, and take it from there. Plenty of people with Autism are able to live independently and work; if his autism is that bad that he can't, he'll have to make use of the support that's available to him, but he'll have to get used to a drastically different quality of life, assuming he has no family who will take him in. If his autism isn't that bad, he'll have to get up off his arse and sort himself out.

But again, not your problem - just be ready for him to make you feel like it is.

Hopefully in time he'll be able to repair/maintain some kind of relationship with his kids (and you should do what you can to help with that while they're still young).

Good luck!

It may even be a relief for him OP. His best set up would be a 1 bedroom flat in a quiet place. Then he can just exist as he wishes with no further demands.

As often discussed on the MN threads, it’s the arrival of children that throws the NT/ND partnership off for many of us. No time for special interests, lack of sleep, routines smashed, endless noise and activities, drudgery to the extreme. No time to switch off and exist and recharge.

Im grateful to those who know their limits.

Fortunately the societal narrative that we must all have kids is changing but too late for your DH and mine.

Can I ask why you don't like gifts? Thanks.

I don't want to derail the thread, but mainly it's the social expectations that accompany the whole ritual and being forced to play along with the charade of pretending I like something I might not/want something I don't need, etc, despite having already asked people not to buy me anything and being railroaded into pretending to be grateful for something I expressly asked not to receive on the basis I will be criticised (or offend the giver) for being ungrateful if I deviate from the acceptable reaction in any way.

I think because I find it hard to get social interactions and facial reactions right in the first place, the pressure of everyone looking at my reaction when I open a present to see whether I like it and knowing that even if I do like it, I might not do the right facial expression to show that and might upset someone inadvertently just serves to make the whole thing incredibly stressful. Plus I probably don't want some random thing someone else chose anyway.

It also reminds me of all the other times I was told off or got into trouble for looking the wrong way and being misinterpreted in the past - it feels like one of those situations where I just can't win!

Also, the whole concept of adults celebrating birthdays baffles me a little bit and I don't understand why everyone else is free to celebrate their birthdays but I don't enjoy the same freedom to choose not to celebrate mine. I try not to let anyone know my birthday as people tend to railroad me into celebrating it if they know, and they seem to think it's an issue I have around not feeling deserving or something, so they tend to make a bigger deal out of it if I ask them not to.

And don't get me started on surprises!

Unfortunately OP, people with ASD are more at risk of developing personality disorders due to the trauma they often go through as children.

However Psychopath/sociopath is no longer a diagnosis and your husband doesn't come close IMO to a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. He doesn't sound at all reckless or impulsive, no history of violence, criminality or substance abuse (although maybe there's a lot you haven't said).

As a pp suggested his issue with being emotionless is much more likely to be alexithymia than ASPD. Alexithymia is commonly comorbid with ASD.

The issue really though is that you are desperately unhappy and this relationship isn't working. I think he needs to go to his parents. You cannot go on as you are.

I ended up with a restraining order against my ex and it ended up with him moving back with his parents, and he's still there 3 years later.

My children and I are much happier for it.

Do you have anyone who can be with you when you break up with him? I ended up in a dangerous situation but thankfully I'd given my dad the heads up and he was just outside the door, otherwise I could have been badly hurt. My children were at my sister's house so they were out of the way as well and didn't see anything. It was very difficult, but life has been so much better since then. I can breathe.

@AConcernedCitizen

if his autism is that bad that he can't, he'll have to make use of the support that's available to him

There is fuck all support

What do I do if he refuses to go?
I will speak to my parents first before I do anything

I'm autistic and feel love. I would never laugh in the face of a partner telling me about how the last few years had been hard on them. This isn't necessarily an autism problem this is an arsehole problem. I would have suggested getting some councilling with someone who understands autism to help him learn how to show love but that comment he laughed in your face, and him using his autism as an excuse to check out and leave all to you- makes me think no this isn't something to save. Leave him for his selfishness. Autism is beside the point.

If he won't leave then maybe you will have to. He's not abusive so you can't force him out. But if you make it clear you need the house to care for the kids and if he insists on staying in the house then all the housework and childcare will fall to him he will soon flee. If you have a period of time both in the house hit seperated make sure you allocate time for him to parent and don't cook or clean for him. He may not want to leave because he doesn't want to 'loose' to you but once he realises the life he wants comes from leaving he will change his time

Have a plan to give him time to pack and get sorted, and then stick to it.

Do you know where you stand legally/financially with everything already? If not, get advice and get that all sorted beforehand.

Have support on hand (from family or a friend) and try to get DC out of the way in advance of the conversation in case it gets nasty.

Once you've decided to leave the relationship, it's important to remember that you're not merely inviting him to leave if he wants to - you'll have to stand your ground and not take no for an answer. If you say "get out" and he says "no thanks", you don't just accept that and carry on for another year, as it seems like that's what led to this point, to some extent.

You can suggest he moves out to his parents as a form of trial separation. Would you be happy to do that?

You write a letter he presents to the council saying he will be homeless from x date.

Or you help him look for a studio flat or one bed apartment and put a deposit down. Put the bills in his name. Direct him to citizens advice who will help him claim what he’s entitled to.

If he refuses to leave call the police and ask them to remove him. It’s not his house and he’s been asked to leave.