Husbands views bothering me

[Sensitiveelephant]

Recently some of my husbands views have been bother8ng me. He's listening to lots of podcasts and for me this is where these views have come from although he says it isn't.
he supports Trump and keeps going on about how great he is.
He is saying how "woke" everyone is. And goes on about trans people. They them etc
We watch a film and if there's a black actor where the actor used to be white. Eg little mermaid. He starts kicking off as it's woke and gets annoyed etc.
We were in the cinema yesterday and he saw an advert andbi think it was captain America was played by a black man. He started kicking off getting annoyed.
He said don't you think that's ridiculous?
I said no, why does it matter? He argues with me back and forth and kids were there so I said let's just leave it we obviously won't agree but he get going on. I don't like my kids hearing it and I said thay and then he said I was making him feel bad for his views and it's OK to have different views and he's glad I've got my views as mine are mainstream etc.
He also goes on about abortion shouldn't be allowed past 12 weeks. He knows I disagree and why but keeps going on about it.
I jyst feel like it's constant at the moment and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I think it's making me question him as a person. I'm not sure.
Anyone untangle my thoughts and help me see things clearly?
How do you cope with this kind of thing?
It's hard o want mynkids to grow up with my views I guess but is that wrong?

the trouble with radicalised people is that they WONT choose you over their radical beliefs... believe me, I live with someone in just this situation. They are right... and if you don't agree... you are part of the problem. I've been called Idiot, ignorant and accused of "drinking the cool ade"....They are totally blind to their own deficiencies.

He sounds utterly exhausting

For millennia, heterosexual white men have (wrongly) been treated as more important than everyone else. There is a type of heterosexual white man (not all heterosexual white men, by any means) who is really struggling to live in a world where people who are not heterosexual white men are starting to be regarded as equally important. That’s what these podcasts are about. That’s where your husband is coming from. I think you may need to do more than just roll your eyes or agree to disagree because this is really nasty stuff. Your husband wants his privilege back. He wants his unearned advantages. You can educate yourself on the rebuttal arguments (for a start, Captain America dates back to a time when everyone who wasn’t a heterosexual white male was marginalised and that is why he’s white.). You might also want to work on expanding your social life beyond him because he’s isolating you.

PS you may not be able to change your husband’s views but if you challenge them, there is less chance your children will accept them.

I agree with all this 100%. However, everyone seems to be claiming that only men have these views. There are lots of women spouting the same rubbish. If you spend ten minutes on X there are loads of female Tommy Robinson fans. I was looking at some of their profiles and it was all "100% white and proud", "My DNA is white British" etc. It seems like the only thing they feel they can be proud of is the fact they have white skin. I just don't see how that can be seen as any sort of achievement. I also go on the anti- racist counter protests whenever there's a far right demo. Plenty of women are there shouting racist slogans.
But yes, I'm sure some men are feeling most affected and angry about societal changes.

OP - the problem is that you probably now have "the ick" - I actually hate this term but it's good in this context. Now your husband's views have changed so dramatically, how will you ever see him in the same way? How will you ever feel respect for him as a person? This is the issue.

I'm going through the same thing with a friend. We've been very close friends for 30 years. She's an extremely intelligent, well educated woman. We always had very similar views and were in tune. Now she's spouting exactly the same views as your husband. Whilst she used to be a bit of an eco warrior, she's now a climate change denier. Apparently it's all a hoax to control us. She is suddenly incredibly racist and a keen supporter of Trump, Musk, Tommy Robinson, Nigel Farage. She's anti-abortion, anti-gay people, anti anything she perceives to be woke. She believes all sorts of weird conspiracy theories.

It's not that I can't be friends with different views to me. I can and I am. However, her views are so extreme to me, so fundamentally wrong that it's changed the way I see her. I used to see her a wise, kind and compassionate person. Now I longer trust her judgement on anything. I don't like the way her mind works. She has become mean spirited, suspicious, paranoid, hateful of some of the most disadvantaged groups in society. I can't believe that she just blindly believes whatever she sees on TikTok and X and has lost the ability to think critically and question what she's told. I most definitely have the ick. I no longer liker her or respect her. If I was you I'd be feeling the same way about my husband - which is actually a very sad situation to be in.

@SallyWD - that’s a very fair point. There are female racists and my post was limited in ignoring that.

@Dery great post!! Exactly this.

And yes @SallyWD there are definitely more women falling down the same rabbit holes.

A colleague has done exactly that through finance podcasts and crypto bros. She’s gone from a very left leaning, kind and compassionate woman to ‘you shouldn’t give them money because they are scum’ about homeless people and thinks benefits shouldn’t exist despite having grown up on them and living in a house that is subsidised by benefits. She has also became extremely misogynistic despite being a gay woman.

I suspect racism towards immigrants is next.

There is a very clear pipeline from far left to far right. I understand people who are already right wing going further down that pipeline but can’t understand how so many previously left wing people are now identifying with values that are completely opposite to who they have been until recently.

Bloody hell @MNHQ - why are my replies on here being hidden?!

to recap - great post @Dery and agree re women @SallyWD

I have been thinking about this thread and wondering if there is a broader perspective from history.

www.ox.ac.uk/news/arts-blog/covid-19-aftermath-insights-history
'Racial and class-based divisions, economic strife and extreme politics have all followed pandemics in history, as suffering populations and authorities have sought answers and scapegoats for their plight. Whatever tensions or problems existed, epidemics have found them, sharpened them and they have come into the open as the illness receded - from the Black Death in 1348 to the plague of 1665 from the 19th century cholera epidemics and the 1918 flu to HIV/AIDS. Many large-scale outbreaks of disease have resulted in scapegoating of minorities and been followed by prolonged civil unrest.'

Maybe it's not just social media.
I think we will react as we have always reacted (the idea that we can override our base instincts is hopelessly optimistic) and I struggle to just reject individuals (who are humans reacting to societal forces). Of course for OP and lots of others on this thread there are personal decisions to be made and choices about how to navigate.
Rumour (disinformation) has always followed pandemics too. We are profoundly affected and lose trust in our structures and systems.

Very interesting and thought provoking perspective.

It's definitely not men only, but I think there's a saying I can't quite remember about how when privilege is taken away it starts to look like discrimination. This is especially true for white hetrosexual men, obviously, but it can also be true for white women.

I think there are also lots of different things happening within different groups that drives this. In the case of DH's (female) cousin for example, I often wonder if it's an attempt to feel in control - she always had form for conspiracy-type theories, but obviously Covid sent her down the rabbit hole. I don't know her well but she always seems like a nice person, and very kind. But her life always seemed quite "small" to me. She lives in South Africa in a small city and seems to have her entire life within just 1 or 2km of where she lives - when we visit, if we want to see her and her family we have t ogo to her, there's always some reason she can't come to meet us in the City or at the beach or whatever. She hasn't travelled much, not even within SA, and, of course, as a white person in SA her life and privilege has changed quite a lot (well, from where I'm standing she has an amazing life etc... but lots of white South Africans have struggled with the shift post-Apartheid). She visited London once years ago - I think she was late 20s at the time and I believe it's the only time she's ever left South Africa. I found it so odd how frightening she found it - she wouldn't use the tube at all unless DH was with her (or me at a push), and she spent most of her time just in our local area hanging out - very little interest in any of the sights etc.

So when she's posting all this stuff on facebook (and the irony of "them controlling everything" while she uses facebook as her main communication tool is completely lost on her), I do find myself thinking that this is jst her way to feel like she has control or to justify things?