Husbands views bothering me

[Sensitiveelephant]

Recently some of my husbands views have been bother8ng me. He's listening to lots of podcasts and for me this is where these views have come from although he says it isn't.
he supports Trump and keeps going on about how great he is.
He is saying how "woke" everyone is. And goes on about trans people. They them etc
We watch a film and if there's a black actor where the actor used to be white. Eg little mermaid. He starts kicking off as it's woke and gets annoyed etc.
We were in the cinema yesterday and he saw an advert andbi think it was captain America was played by a black man. He started kicking off getting annoyed.
He said don't you think that's ridiculous?
I said no, why does it matter? He argues with me back and forth and kids were there so I said let's just leave it we obviously won't agree but he get going on. I don't like my kids hearing it and I said thay and then he said I was making him feel bad for his views and it's OK to have different views and he's glad I've got my views as mine are mainstream etc.
He also goes on about abortion shouldn't be allowed past 12 weeks. He knows I disagree and why but keeps going on about it.
I jyst feel like it's constant at the moment and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I think it's making me question him as a person. I'm not sure.
Anyone untangle my thoughts and help me see things clearly?
How do you cope with this kind of thing?
It's hard o want mynkids to grow up with my views I guess but is that wrong?

You are always always entitled to your own opinion and never have to agree with him just because he goes on and on.

Being lectured / hectored by some man about why abortion is wrong (repeatedly) would do my head in - I would go mad about that in particular.

I would lose all respect for and attraction to this man if he were my DH. My views are clearly not remotely in line with his, and the man I married has to be walking the same road as me if I am raising kids with him. If he has changed in all of a sudden and it’s in a radical fashion, I would wonder wtf has happened in his life to make him feel so frightened and small that he needed to start looking for these podcasts. Does he feel out of control? Less manly? Whatever… Maybe he’s having a breakdown. I’d check in with his family to see if their views lie in that direction or are less bonkers. Either way, I wouldn’t want anyone that labile around my kids.

I think I just ignore him or change the subject every time he starts, or maybe just say don't start roll your eyes and leave the room🤷🏻‍♀️

What did he say to his dad?
I know that DP has a wide circle of friends. Some of them have worked in Brussels with the EU, at the UN, and as global directors who have a broad worldview. He also has old friends in construction and family members who echo some of these views. DP listens to them and then puts the phone down exasperated. I do think men of a certain age start to become a tad curmudgeonly.

There's a knowledge gap, and your DP is currently listening to specific podcasts that focus on generating income through content creation. These podcasts often discuss ideas that sell, particularly current affairs and controversial topics related to ethics or dilemmas.

Tried ignoring and rolling eyes he keeps on at me asking me questions about it if I shrug or say one word answers he will keep on at me to elaborate or explain etc he keeps going until he gets a reaction

I think he was saying he wanted Trump to win. And he was just going on about that kind of thing. His dad said he can't believe how right wing he was becoming and it was all the podcasts he was listening to.

Opinions are like arseholes - everybody has one, and his is in overdrive.

To be honest, views like that are not something I would tolerate in a partner, so I'd divorce him.

That's true but a lot of women wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody with OP's DH's views. He supports a convicted sex offender and and his views on race and abortion are problematic.

I think there are actually 2 separate things here, both of which are concerning.

Point 1 is the opinions themselves - it's hard to maintain a long term very close relationship (family, friend, partner) with someone whose views are intrinsicially different to your own. Some variation and disagreement is normal, of course, but these sort of intimiate close relationships need to have a largely similar view of the world as otherwise what is the relationship really about? Shared hobbies don't make for long term partnerships....

Point 2 is that even if you are fine wth him having these opinions, eve nif they're different to yours becuase thse things aren't necessary deal breakers for youj, what IS a problem is the way he says he's "entitled" this opinion, but doesn't offer you the same respect. So if he thinks everything is woke and Trump is the next Saviour, fine. But why aren't you allowd to feel differently?

While I am not sure I could be married to DH if he supported Trump overall, I do know plenty of people who, broadly, are Trump supports and LOTS who are Republicans. We can have a disagreement about key political issues, or operate on a daily basis knowing that we disagree on this, but it doesn't result in huge arguments etc. We can even debate and discuss things and, while we're still going to disagree, we can get to a point where we recognise each other's points.

Oh, I'd also add that he's probably going down this path because he's actualyl been on it for a long time. The points about him refusing to socialise or engage with other people and, as a result, you having a very limited and restricted social circle is very much in line with a lot of these men, even if previously he wasn't expressing these views. He probably had issues with what you wore or how you behaved in public long before he started supporting Trump. Didn' tlike you going out drinking or for nights out with "the girls". Had strong feelings on what was appropriate for mums to do etc. But if you weren't that bothered, you didn't notice.

We can take it as a given that the OP knows this. She’s concerned about him going down a rabbit hole of podcasts, constantly having to air these views and letting his children hear borderline racist stuff.

Look at this long term. He’s not going to de-radicalise. This is the new him going forward. Can you manage to live like this for decades to come?

The pattern you describe @Sensitiveelephant of him disliking people, not making friends or an effort to do group social activities has made him ripe for this. He has had a superiority - more accurately inferiority - complex for a while which came out as isolation.
These podcasts offer him a community of likeminded people who he can identify with without any of the usual compromises people make in interpersonal relationships as he doesn’t have to actually speak to or socialise with them. It’s a safe echo chamber. You are the only challenger, and therefore the easiest for him to dismiss, as he’ll have ideas about your relationship hierarchy you may not be aware of. Yet.
His next step will be head of household / I’m the man nonsense and you and your children will be his unruly subordinates who need to fall in line. The alt right / anti ‘woke’ conveyor belt speeds along pretty fast and this is a big calling point on it.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I do find that some people seem to communicate almost exclusively via outraged rants, and it can get annoying. My husband and I are very well-aligned politically, if anything I am more right-wing, but I still quite frequently get annoyed when he goes into a social or political diatribe. We both very much agree with criticisms of recasting actors/actresses in established properties as a different race (despite me being a member of the non-white demographic who is presumably being pandered to), and are especially rankled by colour-blind casting in historical TV shows/films, however, my husband will go into a rant whenever we see an example of this, whereas I just shrug it off and avoid that media. It's the same thing with childrens shows/films/books with homosexual or transgender themes, positive depictions of having children outside of marriage, and many other things we both take issue with. He rants and wants to discuss the subject at length, but I know we already agree on the subject, so I just make a mental note of the media and don't expose my children to it moving forward. It's can be tiring to be married to someone like this even if you agree with them, so I can empathise with OP.

However, to answer OP's question, no it's not wrong to want your children to grow up with your views, but they have another parent with different views, so, however you got into this situation, you have to make the best of it and accept that your husband will jave equal infuence.

I don't know if I could abide a Trump-supporting spouse though, honestly. It doesn't say many good things about his intellect, or the consistency of his own beliefs.

They aren't his opinions. He has copied them from social media posts by dubious actors.

This is a very thoughtful response.
I've seen the same change in a lot of my middle aged male mates. It's very alarming!

I understand completely how annoying it is when someone can't express their opinions without forcing an argument. So that should be your issue, not his opinions themselves.

If you bring your kids up to be able to critically evaluate what they hear and read they will be able to develop their own informed decisions - which may or may not be the same as yours. They need to understand why you both think the way you do (in an age appropriate manner and when it forms part of a sensible discussion, not causing arguments in the cinema etc)

Not all of your opinions are necessarily mainstream - more than 50% of US voters chose Trump so they must have their reasons. Opposing
abortion after 12 weeks is not the same as being anti-abortion, and I suspect many women would agree with your DH there. Hardly radical. There are many legitimate concerns about the impact of trans ideology on young people and women so if that is what your DH is concerned about then many people share those concerns.
The Captain America and Little Mermaid ideas are a bit silly because they're fictional.

If he's reading and listening then point him to books or podcasts that come from your point of view, ask him if he's thought about XYZ and the impact of ABC.

You don't have to agree with each other but he needs to stop ranting and you need to stop assuming that he should agree with you. Turn it into a more critical analysis of the underlying issues and help your DC understand that it's important not to believe everything you read or hear.

Not when they juxtapose people just existing they don't.

We might have freedom of speech but we don't have freedom of speech to be inflammatory dickheads and not get called out for it.

And everyone is entitled to not have to stay married to a weak-minded little Trump and Tate-worshipping bigot.

’Views’ that are parroted from bigoted corners of the internet, where he feels echoed in his unarticulated resentment at being distinctly average and inexplicably hard done by, are not worthy.

It sounds like his values are now extremely in opposition of yours. That aside he can’t even seem to “Agree to disagree” because he is disregarding your opinion and trying to impose / convince you his are superior and correct.

I think podcasts / articles / social media can be dangerous for some people by validating views they may already have but then extremely inflating and influencing them.

I also dislike when it leads to people quoting buzz words “woke”, “boomers”, “nimby” etc etc in an effort to try and make their position seem more relevant or intelligent.

Another poster has already said it, he appears to think he is superior and is demonstrating this in an unhelpful way (although most likely he has an underlying issue with feeling inferior or insecure) and is using this to compensate.

I suppose next steps depend on whether you are able to articulate how you feel about all this with him being able to listen and respect your position or not.

Tough one.

I bet he gets pulled into other shite too, the rabbit hole will expand with his Internet searching. Apparently, my colleague git pulled into this during lockdowns..now fully paid up conspiracy theorist. He, like others, believes fully that it's not conspiracy theory but hidden fact. Everything down to the weather is due to 'them'.

I could not live with this, especially paired with a tendency to “stick the knife in and get people riled up” and the rudeness of interrupting and talking over when you do answer.

It’s immensely disrespectful and lacks good faith as he’s not looking for a conversation, he’s looking to start an argument and browbeat you (or whoever) into submission. It’s unpleasantly aggressive and egotistical and would massively give me the ick.

You should not stay with person whose values you despise.

No it isn’t.

I couldn't tolerate any of that.