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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands views bothering me

162 replies

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 09:00

Recently some of my husbands views have been bother8ng me. He's listening to lots of podcasts and for me this is where these views have come from although he says it isn't.
he supports Trump and keeps going on about how great he is.
He is saying how "woke" everyone is. And goes on about trans people. They them etc
We watch a film and if there's a black actor where the actor used to be white. Eg little mermaid. He starts kicking off as it's woke and gets annoyed etc.
We were in the cinema yesterday and he saw an advert andbi think it was captain America was played by a black man. He started kicking off getting annoyed.
He said don't you think that's ridiculous?
I said no, why does it matter? He argues with me back and forth and kids were there so I said let's just leave it we obviously won't agree but he get going on. I don't like my kids hearing it and I said thay and then he said I was making him feel bad for his views and it's OK to have different views and he's glad I've got my views as mine are mainstream etc.
He also goes on about abortion shouldn't be allowed past 12 weeks. He knows I disagree and why but keeps going on about it.
I jyst feel like it's constant at the moment and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I think it's making me question him as a person. I'm not sure.
Anyone untangle my thoughts and help me see things clearly?
How do you cope with this kind of thing?
It's hard o want mynkids to grow up with my views I guess but is that wrong?

OP posts:
Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 11:10

MerrilyOnhigh · 02/01/2025 11:00

So does the fact that he spends all this time listening to podcasts rather than his work affect productivity? Unfortunately that will only feed into his sense of being a member of a persecuted minority, because he will be struggling economically. Can you gently point out to him that he would get more work done, and therefore make more money, if he actually concentrated?

No he does an active job so has it on his headphones wirelessly while he works with his hands. He earns alot more than me and is not struggling to earn money at all.

OP posts:
Bogginsthe3rd · 02/01/2025 11:13

I guess you just need to decide if you can stay married to a racist really.

user44221 · 02/01/2025 11:15

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 10:15

He is self employed and works a job where he doesn't interact with people really

I think the research is showing that people, particularly men, who are socially isolated and feel 'left behind' (rightly or wrongly) are more likely to fall prey to this kind of social media radicalisation.

Is he happy with his life choices and his job? Does he spend time with friends or family, have hobbies, interact ins real life with some of these people he has opinions about?

sunflowersngunpowdr · 02/01/2025 11:15

If you don't like it then leave but he is entitled to his own opinions and you cannot stop him from sharing his opinions with his own children or anyone else.

Madamegreen · 02/01/2025 11:16

Why is he ranting to you with these views? Is this because he doesn't have an outlet? I do think anyone garnering their worldview from social media and even the news is travelling down a path of misinformation.
I believe ethical issues are up for debate though.

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 11:20

We are sp busy with 3 kids and work. We have no help. So no not really. But neither do I. I work with children. He works in a job where he talks to clients briefly then gets on with hos job for a few hours. He phones family every day and speaks to people. I know his dad feels the same as me as he said something to him at a family dinner recently. We don't see family much as we live in a different country. He stays in touch with friends and will talk to people whenever he sees them but wouldn't go out really. I encouraged him to go on a football night out recently but he doesn't like being away from us he says as he feels like he misses out on being with us at work.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 02/01/2025 11:20

I have family like this and it’s very disturbing, theres no benefit in arguing with them because they “do my own research”. You debunk any one of their theories and it makes no difference. It just gets worse as they go further into it, they can infect other people with enough exposure. The only way to continue to have a relationship is if you can get them to agree not to discuss their views with you (very difficult if you live with them full time).

The consensus seems to be that you need to find other activities/interests that are safe to do/discuss if you want to keep a relationship going with them. It’s hard to see how that works if you actually live with them! Traditional cult de-programming methods apparently don’t work. I would start making plans for a life apart just in case. We all hope they will snap out of it but it just seems to get worse 😢

Apfelkuchen · 02/01/2025 11:21

Does he have friends and a social life? You have described a socially isolated man who is leaning heavily on podcasts and other people’s relationship troubles for his entertainment.
FWIW this type of behaviour towards me would be a deal breaker. He is a disrepectful, misogynist bully, which is bad news for you and very bad news for your children, who are in their formative years and should be learning what a healthy relationship looks like.

IAmAWomanWorkingFromHome · 02/01/2025 11:23

I would pick which battles you want to fight on this.

All his views together are pretty grim. But looking at each one in isolation and you can possibly eradicate some and challenge others while ignoring others.

Trump is IMO an awful human being on so many levels. But the fact is that more than half of the American population voted for him. We can say that every one of those trump voters is a sexist, misogynist racist, but the fact is that many of the people who voted for him are women, and many who voted for him were from ethnic minorities. If we just dismiss someone’s admiration of trump as a load of bollocks then we’ve achieved nothing. Because there is a valid question to be asked here - why do so many people admire him?

It’s not as simple as just saying that all those people are all the above. There are additional reasons, such as promises Trump has made regarding the US economy, in a time when the cost of living is at an all time high and people want some hope to cling to. So they’re prepared to dismiss the talk of dogs and cats being eaten because those aren’t things which affect them personally. Many people are done with having children and so the abortion rights of others are inconsequential to them.

People will vote for the policies that matter to them while dismissing the rest which don’t.

The trans argument is here to stay for now, and tbh it’s best just to ignore, because it’s a battle that we cannot win, but will IMO fade out over time. But as things are now, most teenagers will go down the trans acceptance route. Almost every teenager will have friends who are either trans or gender neutral, and while people say that this is all about women’s rights, ironically the people I know who have come out as trans have all been women. I even know one who has had top surgery so far. Pronouns on emails are becoming a thing, but you can ignore that without actively standing against it. And generally as teens get older their views start to soften if they haven’t themselves come out as trans, and as they develop intimate relationships of their own.

The black/female actor/actress is an argument which has been raging for years now. Because positive discrimination means that many of these actors/actresses are being cast because they’re black/female, not necessarily because they’re best for the role. Of course in many instances they are, but it only takes one for that whole balance to shift in favour of the conspiracy theorists.

If he’s not open to discussion on any of the above then all you can do is dismiss his views.

The racist element you can keep your children from, but you’re not going to be able to shield them from the trans debate. In fact I would go so far as to say that your children are almost certainly going to be embroiled in the trans culture, if not themselves then through friends.

marmia1234 · 02/01/2025 11:23

Get him out with some excuse, call a locksmith and the police.He;s not allowed in anymore, you are afraid of him. They should take him whilst the locks are changed. Lock your windows. Order a ring doorbell. Sorry you are in this situation.
If he calms down then all may be well. Can he go to his parents?

Walrusdress · 02/01/2025 11:24

He probably feels the same about your views.

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 11:26

Our social life is each other and the kids. Neither of us go out regularly. Maybe once or twice a year. He goes to concerts but goes alone. He had a friend offer to go with him a few times but he said he prefers going kn his own and enjoying it. He's very selective about people and dislikes alot of people 🤣🙈 he wouldn't say that. But just me thinking about his friendships. We had an option when we moved here to be friends with people and I made friends but he disliked some of them (alot of the husbands he doesn't like) so whenever they asked us to hang out as couples he would decline and didn't want to hang out with them. So we missed out on that really and as a result we didn't become close to them and hang out in that way. I still kind of speak to the women but don't meet up as much as we did because I guess they grew closer with the women who hung out in couples etc.

OP posts:
marmia1234 · 02/01/2025 11:27

user44221 · 02/01/2025 10:06

I think you're not capable of engaging in the argument if you don't understand it @WilmerFlintstone.

First of all, it's Nazis, plural, not possessive, no apostrophe. And second of all @Whoarethoseguys said:

I'm sure people also said that Hitler was entitled to his own views and that Nazis youth was a harmless organisation for young people

Which is not calling anyone a Nazi, but explaining that the philosophy did not spring fully formed out of nowhere, but started off with exactly the same kind of fear-mongering and rumour spreading the OP's husband is being exposed to on the podcasts.

She's talking about Godwin's Law which is kown globally.

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 11:28

marmia1234 · 02/01/2025 11:23

Get him out with some excuse, call a locksmith and the police.He;s not allowed in anymore, you are afraid of him. They should take him whilst the locks are changed. Lock your windows. Order a ring doorbell. Sorry you are in this situation.
If he calms down then all may be well. Can he go to his parents?

Think you have the wrong thread?

OP posts:
Secretpony · 02/01/2025 11:36

Following closely as in similar position. Husband has always been an introvert. Is a very high earner on paper but comes from a deprived background so has never felt a success/confident and I think this has made him more vulnerable. He used to be centre-left but is now increasingly concerned about immigration and constantly pointing out the backgrounds of various lone wolf terrorists etc. Am dreading tonight when he will no doubt be reading all about the grooming gang details and using it to justify his social media diet.

What I really need is some alternative links to de-radicalise his social media feed. Listening to the Rest is Politics isn’t going to cut it - not least as even Rory Stewart is now obsessing about immigration being too high.

How do we acknowledge that some of their concerns may be valid without green lighting the racist overtones? Any links welcome though I’m worried about what a PP said about traditional method of cult removal not working…

user44221 · 02/01/2025 11:38

marmia1234 · 02/01/2025 11:27

She's talking about Godwin's Law which is kown globally.

Yeah, I know about Godwin's Law. Used by right wingers and Nazi sympathisers everywhere to shut down discussion and comparison, no matter how apt.

You might want to look up how Mike Godwin feels about the use of it these days.

Tittat50 · 02/01/2025 11:40

I started watching some guy called Andrew Wilson who has podcasts that espouse this sort of thing. He's what they call part of the red pill movement. At one point I was almost seeing some of his points! Because he's a skilled professional debater and has a tactic for winning every argument. He has an annoying wife who comes along and also supports him. They are all god loving though here.
It is really brainwashing and the content he's watching is feeding it.

You mentioned your suspicion that he's ND. Yes I know I'm going to be offensive here; do you feel that there's some rigid thinking as part of that for him. That can be difficult to work with if he tends to be fixed on opinions and views without room for manoeuvre. ( I know not everyone is like this but there is a vulnerability to brainwashing in my view).

I'd really struggle with some of this stuff around the kids. The more he watches the worse this will become. Some of these podcasters are militant and the people in the comments are in large swathes and very supportive.

Sensitiveelephant · 02/01/2025 12:32

Thank you everyone. I guess I felt a bit guilty as he got sp offended and I felt like in future I should just nod and say nothing but that didn't sit right with me
So seeing all these replies makes me realise I'm not in the wrong (I don't think) ans has made me feel a bit better thank you

OP posts:
Ppzd · 02/01/2025 13:27

thatsmymug · 02/01/2025 09:04

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions

Not when those opinions are racist, misogynistic and bigoted.

CrystalSingerFan · 02/01/2025 14:02

Oioisavaloy27 · 02/01/2025 10:14

How does he get away with listening to them at work for hours?

Yes! My first question, so thank goodness I'm reading the full thread.

Can the OP's hubby spell 'professionalism'? Or 'work ethic'?

Mischance · 02/01/2025 14:06

Your thoughts do not need untangling. You are a decent person who cares about equality and fairness. He is not. Do you really want to be with him and have his views tainting your children's minds?

Maddy70 · 02/01/2025 14:16

He sounds awful. He sounds like he is being radicalised

Moonlightstars · 02/01/2025 14:21

thatsmymug · 02/01/2025 09:04

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions

But if they are racist they are not entitled to spout such rubbish in front of my children. OP it will be impossible to get him to see he has been basically brainwashed. I would have to leave. I would also point out to the kids that their dad has been brainwashed and what he says is sometimes racist and wrong. I feel for you so much.

Over40Overdating · 02/01/2025 14:22

@CrystalSingerFan The OP has already stated the husband works for himself so can listen to what he likes. I’m sure whatever else his flaws, he could spell ‘read all the updates’.

CrystalSingerFan · 02/01/2025 14:27

Over40Overdating · 02/01/2025 14:22

@CrystalSingerFan The OP has already stated the husband works for himself so can listen to what he likes. I’m sure whatever else his flaws, he could spell ‘read all the updates’.

Yes, that's embarassing and I apologise.