At an impasse and my heart is breaking

[chanlol]

Hi,

Just looking for some honest abuse. Me and my partner are both 27. I met him whilst he was on a school exchange program. He is from America.

After a year or so, I was getting bored of England and agreed to move there.

We have a wonderful life. A nice apartment. A cat. I earn good money here. So does he. He loves America and whilst he likes visiting England, he doesn't want to live there.

Problem is, I'm getting so weary of my life here. I wake up and I'm not excited. That spark is gone. I've torn myself apart and put myself together to fit in this world. But I'm thinking about my future and having kids away from my family and it's putting things into perspective.

We've spoken about it and he doesn't want to move. But I miss my family so much. Each time I visit, I come back a wreck and it takes literally a couple of months before I can get out of the depression.

He knows but we've ignored it for so long. We've been dating for 6 years and it feels like I'm throwing the love of my life away.

Am I dumb for trying to make this work? I've lived here for over 4 years now. But when I wake up, I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't have hobbies. I don't think I recognised this until I realised I do want children, just not here.

So I'm at an impasse. We've spoken about it, fought over it and cried over it. But he doesn't want to live where I want to. At least not right now.

I'm jealous when we spend so much time with his family. When he goes out with his parents, it makes me envious. I don't want to resent him, because I'm in love with him.

The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty. He apologised profusely, but the anger shocked me and left me quite overwhelmed. I know there's a reason for this anger and its insecurity. But it worries me because if it wasn't this, would it be something else? Do I excuse behaviour which is so recent and so isolated?

I don't know what to do.

Oh ffs was meant to say advice not abuse! Please ignore that

Would you be able to bring your kids back to the UK if you split up and you wanted to come home? (if you have kids with him)
Would he let you bring them?

If not, then you need to make the decision to leave coz otherwise you would have to either give up on having kids or you will be raising them there without your family.

Which would be worse? You being without him or your kids growing up without your family every day ?

My advice would be to end the relationship and move home. You're unhappy there and instead of being supportive, he's turning nasty and that doesn't bode well. If you stay and have kids, you're trapped there forever.

When your family visits from another continent he tries to steal your time from them, even though you live with him, AND he wanted you to cancel a day trip with them during a visit because of a minor issue?

As someone whose inlaws live in a different country I can tell you this is NOT normal. It's controlling, and quite scary.

When we see my ILs, either here or when we visit them I automatically assume OH will be busy - and I'm HAPPY for him to spend as much time as possible with his family.

It sounds like your partner sees your family as the competition, and that's hugely unhealthy, not least because even though you barely see them, he wants you to see them less because that's better for him - even though it's not better for you.

I'd be thinking about going home, because he's already shown he will get nasty about you spending time with your FAMILY when they visit. He's not going to be happy until you see them even less.

Op, I think you know in yourself by writing this that things need to change.

It’s really sad and difficult but love alone just isn’t enough sometimes. Time and place have to be right too.

And your doubts about the relationship don’t just extend to the country you are in, they are starting to extend to your partner too. His anger and his insecurities.

When I read your op, my initial reaction was that it’s shame that you have already invested six years in to this relationship and not say half of that, BUT you are only young at 27 and you absolutely have plenty of time to return to the UK and make a new life for yourself and meet someone else.

In fact, as I think you know, you are at the age where this is a really pivotal decision, bc if you go on to get pregnant and have dc with this partner, you really will be linked forever to your dp and your dc will be stuck in the USA and you will be too.

Just to put the other side of the argument, many expats do find that having dc does strengthen their roots in a country and you get to develop friendships and a deeper knowledge of the country, through your dc. Equally though, children bring lots of extra pressures, and if you are this deeply unhappy now, then having a baby usually exacerbates the stresses on a couple and you are likely to miss your family even more.

Good luck op. You don’t need your dp’s permission to act unilaterally. Your dp doesn’t seem very concerned about your happiness. He also has the right to live where he is happy. So it’s up to you to break the impasse.

If you can reframe this in your mind a little that your depression and unhappiness, although really awful, is in a way a gift; because it’s sending you a big red sign that this relationship is not right for you. Depression is usually a sign that we are living the wrong sort of life. 💐

💯
so he’s showing you that This is who he is when things are threatening to not go his way - angry and spiteful. Believe him. He likes everything his way. Don’t get trapped there.

I was in a similar situation, moved Abroad for a relationship, lived in a rural out of the way place, became depressed and eventually moved back to UK after 12 years there, I should have done it sooner.

I was in a similar situation. Lived with my DP in USA. I loved him but not enough to give up my family forever. Because that's essentially what you'll be doing if you stay. I got more and more sad going to his family events; weddings, christenings, Christmas, etc. as it highlighted what I was missing with my own family.

I moved back to the UK after 5 years. It was hard but I've never looked back. My family are really important to me. My Dad died tragically 8 years after I moved back for the UK. I'm so glad I had that time with him.

To be honest, it does sound like your relationship is over. He doesn't love you as much as he claims to do, otherwise he'd make visits from your family magical not tense. He'd support you in your homesickness and would find solutions to being more involved with your family.

It's time to go home.

Thank you everyone. I am struggling because the comments are out of character. It's been six years and nothing like this but this is the first real stress we've had.

I've tried talking to him about it. He does stuff like invites me to drinks with his friends and then says it would mean a lot for me to come, whilst my family are here and gets weird (tone change, gets visibly annoyed) if I say no but then denies it and I feel dramatic. He asks things like "oh do you really need to spend the whole day with them?" like I'm crazy when they visit twice a year. I understand that he's insecure because he's very obviously panicked to lose me, but it's too much. I feel I have to do so much placating and accommodating when they visit.

@Azandme your comment really hits home. He occasionally goes away on fishing trips (slightly different but hey) and I am supportive and encouraging. Yet that's significantly more time away. One of my best friends also cancelled a visit for personal reasons and he suggested that my friend didn't want to come because of me and "my new life." It was a very weird comment and we got into a fight over that as I said how dare you make assumptions about my friends. It felt isolating. (But guess who apologised? Me.)

He’s definitely trying to isolate you. Run don’t walk

You need to move back to the UK without him. He's insecure and jealous and controlling. Run!

It's really really hard but you need to break up and come back. You need enough time to find someone new and start a family so don't prolong it. It's never going to resolve. It will be really hard but one day when you have kids and are near your family in your own country you will be glad you did it.

This. His behaviour isn't normal. Go home.

The more you write about him, the more he's looking like an abusive, controlling and intimidating man.

It is easy to pretend to be nice most of the time, but the real him is the nasty version that you've witnessed and it's that version that will prevail.

Remember: that's the real him.

Do you live in a rural area? Wondering because you said you don’t have any hobbies etc.

Either way the relationship seems to have run its course to me and I didn’t see anything about kids and you said he is your partner not husband so it should be relatively easy to have a clean break.

If you have kids it gets a lot more complicated because you can’t move them to be UK without his consent.

And yes there is emotional abuse going on which is displayed by you being isolated especially the way he gets upset when your family visit. Does he prevent you or get upset when you try to make friends or find new hobbies?

I currently live in Chicago though my spouse and I moved from the UK and while we love our life here it’s still difficult away from family so I get where you’re coming from especially as you haven’t been able to build your own community where you live.

I know there are some Brits in the US and various groups for different cities eg Brits in Chicago Facebook groups you can join for support and also see if there are any Brit’s near you that you can connect with while you work through this situation but as I said I think you need to end the relationship and move back to the UK.

To answer your question. Yes, you are dumb for trying to make this work.
You had a great time before the reality of long distance living set in. Cherish the memories but take your 27 year young self and find a job closest to where you would like to live long term in the UK.

Start afresh. You have learnt many skills like how to be a good partner, how to manage financially, how to cook etc. and how to keep a great job.
You are independent and free to leave the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Welcome to your liberty!

Search for another man who sets your heart on fire. Be on the watch for a man who likes the UK, his job and is kind to his family and loves yours. Look for a self motivated man who shares some interents and has the same life values.

This jealous, spiteful man child is literally stealing precious years from you away from your family. Don’t think of it as a waste of 6 years but the freedom of many years to come where you won’t be miserable.

You are still young, don’t waste your years away with someone who is self serving and emotionally inept. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about him. He doesn’t love you, he only loves himself. If he loved you then he wouldn’t want you to feel trapped and keep your family from you. You know he is wrong for you and you should leave and move back. We don’t make the people we love suffer, isolate them from their families and emotionally blackmail them. Do not marry him, get rid of him and don’t have his children because he will undermine you and overrule you at every turn and you will be stuck in a foreign land where your decisions and wants are disrespected and overruled.

I agree. Isolation from your friends and family is a crucial a step towards abusive control.

He resents your family and he sees them as his competition. He is trying to control you. If I were you I would run, very fast.

OP, you said, "He asks things like "oh do you really need to spend the whole day with them?" YES of course you do. You barely ever see them.

What this shows you is that he seriously lacks empathy. He cannot put himself in your shoes.

My son lives in Eastern Europe with his Eastern European wife and child. I live in the UK. His wife helps at every turn to ensure our visits together work, to build our relationships. I absolutely love her for that. She has empathy. She helps to make our spread-out family work. I know I rely on her good will, but I have it, because she loves my son in an empathetic way, not a possessive way.

Your partner sounds like the opposite of this. Watch out. He will make you even sadder if you stay.

He seems to be controlling, possesive and trying to have you just for himself.
It doesn't work for you. No wonder you feel trapped. Family time is precious, your parents won't live forever and the fact he is trying to minimise your time with them when they visit and forcing you to chose him even on these days speaks volumes. I have been through something similar with exH, and that was one of multiple abusive tactics he was doing which were meant to isolate me from any support I could have.
Stay loyal to people who love you, who care about your happiness and who want the best for you.
I would move back to UK. Tell him you feel homesick, can't do it any longer because it negatively impacts your health which is getting worse . You have done your bit, spent 4 years with him over there so he could be happy but now it is your turn to live life you really want. You only have one life.

Two things I would ask you to be wary about.
One is, be careful of his nastiness, he may want to make your move impossible, so plan well. Don't get pregnant with him because you will end up being trapped there forever. He will be equally possessive of his children and would never let you move back home if you have a child with him.
The second one is, if you ever want to have children, now is a good time to find a good man to create a family with. Your man is not a good one.
As an aside, if he was really into you, he would have at least proposed by now (not saying it would be a good thing here!). But to me that shows he is stringing you along whilst you are losing your young years and so many beautiful happy moments you could have spent with your family. Don't waste your time on him, he is not worth it

Respect what your heart is telling you. Please come home. You’ve tried living there and it’s not making you happy. Xx

Agree with PP - this is very difficult for you but you need to move back to the UK. Love alone is not enough - not wanting to live in the same country amounts to a fundamental incompatibility. You’ve given things a very good try but clearly life in the USA so far from your family is not for you. And there’s a selfishness and nastiness about him trying to sabotage you spending time with your friends and family which is really alarming. That’s abusive. He's not a safe partner for you.

If we set aside his recent behaviour - although I do think it's spiteful and controlling. I think you are coming to realise that the freedom you have in your younger years changes once you gain more responsibilities. Having children can set aspects of your life and make it much harder to change. I'm in my 50s and have had 4 serious relationships who I loved and all brought something different and magical to my life. My husband who I've settled down with and had children with was absolutely the right partner for this stage of my life. My adventure partner who I travelled the world with was wonderful but we wouldn't have stayed together through raising a family. Yes you love this man but he is no longer right for this stage of your life. You will find love again I'm sure but it's time to come home. A partner should bring joy to your life and this life is making you sad.

Why don’t you have any hobbies OP?

Do you have friends of your own there or are you friends mainly his friends?

I think you need to move home.

Thinking about worst case scenarios - you stay and him break up a few years after having children, you are then potentially stuck in the USA on your own without a support system. The children will be Americans.

If you decide to stay, you need to really start making an effort to build your support network there - get some hobbies, get your own friends, and start building a life of your own that’s not 100% connected to him.

p.s it’s really messed up he’s making you feel guilty for spending time with your family.