At an impasse and my heart is breaking

[chanlol]

Hi,

Just looking for some honest abuse. Me and my partner are both 27. I met him whilst he was on a school exchange program. He is from America.

After a year or so, I was getting bored of England and agreed to move there.

We have a wonderful life. A nice apartment. A cat. I earn good money here. So does he. He loves America and whilst he likes visiting England, he doesn't want to live there.

Problem is, I'm getting so weary of my life here. I wake up and I'm not excited. That spark is gone. I've torn myself apart and put myself together to fit in this world. But I'm thinking about my future and having kids away from my family and it's putting things into perspective.

We've spoken about it and he doesn't want to move. But I miss my family so much. Each time I visit, I come back a wreck and it takes literally a couple of months before I can get out of the depression.

He knows but we've ignored it for so long. We've been dating for 6 years and it feels like I'm throwing the love of my life away.

Am I dumb for trying to make this work? I've lived here for over 4 years now. But when I wake up, I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't have hobbies. I don't think I recognised this until I realised I do want children, just not here.

So I'm at an impasse. We've spoken about it, fought over it and cried over it. But he doesn't want to live where I want to. At least not right now.

I'm jealous when we spend so much time with his family. When he goes out with his parents, it makes me envious. I don't want to resent him, because I'm in love with him.

The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty. He apologised profusely, but the anger shocked me and left me quite overwhelmed. I know there's a reason for this anger and its insecurity. But it worries me because if it wasn't this, would it be something else? Do I excuse behaviour which is so recent and so isolated?

I don't know what to do.

OP you need to listen to your instincts. This relationship has run its course. Its not wasted years - like many people you fell in love and spent what it sounds like was a really lovely time abroad with that person. But now he is trying to isolate you and it will only get worse. You are still young.
I repeat LISTEN to your instincts. The only time I ever did a sensible thing was to return home to the UK from Oz when I found out I was pregnant. I would have been stuck there otherwise. Love is not enough. If he were reacting in a different (supportive) way, then perhaps you could find some sort of compromise e.g. moving to a different location within the US, but he is showing you the future. Please leave. NOW.

It’s not forgivable for him to behave like that when your family are over. It is controlling and there is no excuse. Unfortunately it’s going to be really difficult for you if you split up after having kids as pp have said.

She wouldn’t be able to. My friend is in this situation now. Stuck in a small town in Delaware as her kids were born in the USA and her ex won’t allow them to leave.

OP You love him but you are having to give all of yourself to this relationship. He’s not wrong for wanting to live where you live, but you aren’t wrong for wanting to move home either. He is being cruel and unkind by interrupting your family visits because he knows that you yearn for home. His comments are made trying to make you think less positively about your home. He’s wrong to do this, it’s controlling but I suspect it’s coming from a place of fear recognising he can’t give you what you need - it needs to stop. He sees your depression. He can’t fix it.

OP tough as it is, you want different things. For each of you to have what you want, the other is going to be miserable by going along with it. You can’t stay there. He can’t move with you. Once you have kids you are trapped there no matter what happens. Tough decisions needed. Xx

You know what Freud says "no such thing as an error". At some level you know that this is abuse. Imagine that you are not in love with him. Look at the situation clearly, look at the whole of him, not just the good parts. What would you see if he was with your sister and not you? His interests seem to be self interests, he isn't thinking of your greater good or your happiness or returning what you have given him by living in America and enabling him to have his needs met.
If you were my daughter I would be watching this situation evolve with unease. I wonder if you should talk to your family about this? How do they view him? do they think that he is the best catch for you? Remember, we get what we settle for.
Love is a verb, not an noun. It is a doing word. What is he doing to show love for you? How does he show that he loves you so much that he will do anything to ensure your happiness?
When you have a child, choose its' father very carefully. Choose someone who is emotionally secure, whose ego is not fragile, whose kindness is endemic. I chose my childrens father very carefully and every day I am glad of that. I respect him enormously for being such a good father. He puts me and them first and adds a little humour and lightness to the situation, because having children is difficult and they will need everything that you have got to get them to the finishing line. Someone who has your back in that endeavour and who wants you to experience the joy of parenthood, is what you need. Not someone who will be putting up obstacles so that your child can't get to know his English grandparents. Not someone who will not fully embrace your childs' dual heritage.
You can love and lose and go on to love better. Love yourself enough, first of all. If he wants you, he won't lose you, he will follow you and never let you go. It sounds like you are doing all the giving and he gives you a flat no in return. This is a negotiation and when you negotiate there should be a respectful give and take. His home, his family is not more important than yours, if he loves you, he will compromise.

It sounds like you both know the relationship has to end.

You sound depressed and he’s lashing out.

With his current nasty behaviour I would start planning to leave and keep that to myself.

Once you’ve made the decision and started to plan I think you will feel better.

Is there a reason you haven’t got any hobbies after being there 4 years? Have you made any close friends? It seems strange, and I wonder if he’s been controlling the whole time but you’ve only really noticed it when your family are there.

Never EVER have children when you are somewhere you don’t want to be. That will cause you to be stuck there for the rest of your life (how keen would you be to move away when they are 18yo when it’s now their home country and they will not leave). I’ve known a few people in this situation and it just sets you up for a really miserable life you have to ‘make the best of’. I instilled this in my kids, and they have seen it themselves with people we know and on becoming adults have grasped the importance . It needs to be a life rule.

Just saw your second post about this being your ‘new life’. 🚩

It doesn’t have to be.

Get rid and go home

I’ve lived overseas, including in the US, and, although I didn’t move for a relationship, I met my now husband there.

My experience suggests that to make it work, you both have to be open to living in each other’s country or elsewhere, and that compromise is possible. We’ve ended up in the UK (and I regret it, because Brexit slammed the door on my retirement plans) with the agreement that if that didn’t work for my husband after a reasonable length of time, we’d move elsewhere.

We talked about this stuff very early in our relationship, and if he’d been averse to the idea of moving back with me some day, I wouldn’t have got involved with him. So yes, in your shoes, I’d leave.

Even without the added complication of living in a place where you do not want to be, I would urge you to leave him and go home.

Way too many red flags.

Add to this that, if you stayed and had children you'd be well and truly stuck..... - no, just no. Don't do it.

Is there a reason you haven’t got any hobbies after being there 4 years? Have you made any close friends? It seems strange, and I wonder if he’s been controlling the whole time but you’ve only really noticed it when your family are there

This.

I have a very different take on this and have been in exactly your situation. Honestly, unless you have been in this exact situation I don’t think you understand how hard it is. It seemed easy right? English speaking, similar media etc but it’s a constant culture shock and it’s flicking hard.

Living with someone with severe homesickness is exhausting, hard and relationship destroying. Why? Because the only solution is for the person to move home but then the relationship is over.

Firstly, I would join a group online like Brits in the US if you haven’t already. Shared experiences make things better. Most have said it takes about seven years to start to feel part of the country. Everyone struggles with what you are saying.

Otherwise, you need to make a choice and both are hard and both mean heartbreak. But make that choice and then live with it. Making someone feel guilty (inadvertently, but you said you were jealous of his family time) forever will never work. Nor will it just get better over time.

I”ll be honest, I’ve been here over 20 years (I went the other way to the UK) and it does get easier, but you have to make a conscious decision to mentally be happy with where you live. I hate living here but I don’t regret it for a second because of my husband and kids.

Good luck.

I'm sorry OP, but heartbreaking as this is for you, you need to leave and return to the UK. This relationship just cannot work.
He's not going to leave America. You don't like it there and are very unhappy. You realize you want children but want to have them with your family around and not across the Atlantic Ocean.
He's starting to show behaviour that isn't pleasant.

This is only going to get worse. I think you need to make the break now. You met when you were quite young and started a serious relationship and you've lived abroad with him for 4 years. Lots of relationships which started in the very early 20s don't work because people change a lot over those years. Your priorities in life change. Your life goals change. The romance of meeting someone and moving abroad to be with them has worn off and once your mind starts changing towards thoughts of starting a family then different factors come into play. You've realized you want children but you don't want to be separated from your family.

Rip the plaster off now, leave him and go back to the UK. It's going to be very upsetting for you and you will take a while to get over him, but you will recover and you will be happier for it in the end. You need to do it now so that you don't waste any more years when you could be establishing a life back in the UK and meeting a suitable partner. Good luck!

How long you have been with him is not relevant, you want different things in life and that is ok. He wants to stay in the US and you want to be close to family when you have children. Unfortunately that means something has to give and I would suggest it’s you moving home!
Many years ago I had an Italian boyfriend, we worked on cruise ships together and were happy, dated for 4.5years before he proposed on Xmas day in front of all of my family. It was at that exact moment I realised shit, this isn’t for me. I was too shocked to say anything (and obviously Xmas day and during a proposal isn’t the time to have a heart to heart and break up). So l found myself going along with it and goi g to Italy to “celebrate” with his family and I remember being sat at his kitchen table being told by his mother about where we would get married (no discussion on it being in the UK!) and TOLD I would like downstairs from their apartment to raise the children (I hadn’t mentioned wanting kids or when) and TOLD I would be giving up dancing (I was a dancer on the cruise ships).
I was just numb. Although me and the boyfriend got on great, I thought I loved him, but ultimately I just couldn’t picture this future I was being told I’d have. I didn’t want to live in Italy, I didn’t want to stop dancing, I wanted to be close to my family (after traveling for 10years on ships I had always pictured myself going back home) and I just knew we could never make it work as we wanted different things. Which is the same as you. You want to raise kids close to family and there is nothing wrong with that.
Anyway, I ended the engagement and continued dancing for a few more years and then moved home, met my now husband 6 months later, bought our house, got married and now have two children and my husband actually is my “soulmate” and best friend.
Just because you love your current boyfriend doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else better matched for you. The fact he is turning nasty (even if it’s because he is scared to loose you…if anything it’s just pushing you away further!) just speaks volumes. So every time he doesn’t get his way he will get nasty? If you stay and have kids with him would he be happy for you to take the kids and visit your family at home?or will he get nasty and jealous??
Don’t let fear of being single and changing your whole life by moving home stop you from making the change and leaving your boyfriend. If he loved you why wouldn’t he be prepared to move to UK for you? Why are you the one making all of the sacrifices? You moved for him but he won’t for you! So he isn’t your person and he doesn’t love you as much as he says he does.
You now know what you want (to live in the UK close to family and raise your kids there)… so go make it happen xx

Firstly love of life is nonsense.

I’ve loved four people very deeply and if I had only met one of those four, I could easily have described them of the love of my life - until the next one came along!

it sounds to me like staying there isn’t going to make you happy so it’s time to bring the relationship to an end, however painful that may be and move back home.

you have time on your side.

I think he has come to assume that you are just an extension of him, not a person in your own right. I'm not saying that he started out that way, or that he targeted you because he could isolate you abroad, just that it has worked out over time that you don't have other things that interfere with your time with him. He doesn't need to compromise because you are available to fall in with his plans and he really likes that, and when your family are there he really doesn't like it that something else in your life has a higher priority than him.

So he is setting things up to make it difficult for you to do the things that you want. He is literally negging the UK and making things awkward for you when you want to see your family. Of course he's not going to consider moving to the UK for you, he's happy where he is and if you're not happy, well, you just need to learn to put his happiness first like you have been for the last few years. He probably does love you, but an adult should be both loved and respected, not loved the way that you love a dog that you can train to behave the way that you want.

He's not going to change and put you first, or even consider your priorities equal to his, why would he when it's working out so well for him as it is. Start planning your move home. You may need to move out and rent somewhere temporarily while you work your notice and make plans because once he knows you're going I think he could turn quite unpleasant.

You're so young, make the break while it's still relatively easy.

You definitely need to leave and come back to where your family are.
The fact he makes spiteful comments about your family says it all. You have made the upheaval so he should make a huge effort when your family visit. Not necessarily with your family but with facilitating you to spend that time with them. If you have children there with him the children will need to stay in that country if you split up.
You still have plenty of time to have children so leave now. Don't wait another year or two to see if it gets better because it won't.
Good luck.

Hi everyone,

We are no longer together as of about a few hours ago. I'm staying with a friend, it's a trek from work but I'm fine. We will have to talk further as we have stuff to sort out, but it's for the best.

It's scary as I am alone in this country! I can't move back right away as I actually am completing a university course and I don't want to waste my money. I can tough it out for a few more months because I don't want to give up a course that means a lot to me.

I thought more and more about it and actually became quite angry. There were so many more things I forgot going back years- all the many occasions I got ignored for spending time with my family, the lack of support or willingness to help me connect with my family whilst living abroad, getting my friends names wrong, the silent treatment. And other things- little criticisms because I didn't stick to bizarre standards or did things "wrong," (did you know there is a specific way to hang the recycling bag?), going all moody on me, refusing to hear my side of the story and then telling me I don't "drop things" or "always need to have things heard from my perspective" because I didn't agree with his random interpretation of whatever I said or did wrong. Even making me buy f*** gifts to apologise, every time. And how every time I did something wrong, it was such a massive deal. Even my work had become an issue really- He had started saying my university course (and it's just a fun diploma!) and work was "more important than him."

I know I'm not a baby or a teenager, but I think I was too involved and had become codependent, especially living abroad. Now I've broken away it's scary, but I feel better. I have my control back. I realise that is not how a relationship should be. There shouldn't be random fights every week, I shouldn't feel anxious or on edge when my partner is about to get home in case I've forgotten a chore.

In most relationships, there should be a bit of grace for mess ups or mistakes. But I had none. And maybe I am a bit shit and scatter brained sometimes but that's me.

All in all, I feel rough and raw. But it's not the horrible feeling I've had for ages.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I read this thread again and again to give me courage.

I keep thinking I might not meet someone else, or maybe the good parts were worth it. Or that he could get better. But I know that's not true. Weirdly, it's become more about the relationship and not the location issue anymore.

Good for you OP. It'll be hard at first but you're on the way out of the valley.

Very well done chanlol for making that brave first step. It's going to be tough but so worthwhile ultimately. And very impressive too sticking to your university course. Good luck for the next few months.

Well done, you are amazing for taking this step! Luckily I checked for updates as I was going to respond to your original post first. I was going to say there is so much brilliant advice here and wanted to add (you probably already know this now), being a wreck and depressed for 2 months after visiting the UK just shows that the relationship wasn't right. No one who is happy in a relationship would feel this way. Many people live abroad away from families and while they miss them, don't feel as you do because they are happy in their new life with their partner. Your focus now is your studies and coming back to the UK. Just have that vision in front of you and you'll be fine. And if you ever feel anxious, re-read this thread!

RUN!

Well done OP , you have been courageous making this step and won’t look back .
Best of luck going forward .
Would be great to have an update from you in 6 months or a year if you felt up to it .

A very happy New Year to you

Well done, hang on to your courage.

Well done you, you have made a good choice.