At an impasse and my heart is breaking

[chanlol]

Hi,

Just looking for some honest abuse. Me and my partner are both 27. I met him whilst he was on a school exchange program. He is from America.

After a year or so, I was getting bored of England and agreed to move there.

We have a wonderful life. A nice apartment. A cat. I earn good money here. So does he. He loves America and whilst he likes visiting England, he doesn't want to live there.

Problem is, I'm getting so weary of my life here. I wake up and I'm not excited. That spark is gone. I've torn myself apart and put myself together to fit in this world. But I'm thinking about my future and having kids away from my family and it's putting things into perspective.

We've spoken about it and he doesn't want to move. But I miss my family so much. Each time I visit, I come back a wreck and it takes literally a couple of months before I can get out of the depression.

He knows but we've ignored it for so long. We've been dating for 6 years and it feels like I'm throwing the love of my life away.

Am I dumb for trying to make this work? I've lived here for over 4 years now. But when I wake up, I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't have hobbies. I don't think I recognised this until I realised I do want children, just not here.

So I'm at an impasse. We've spoken about it, fought over it and cried over it. But he doesn't want to live where I want to. At least not right now.

I'm jealous when we spend so much time with his family. When he goes out with his parents, it makes me envious. I don't want to resent him, because I'm in love with him.

The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty. He apologised profusely, but the anger shocked me and left me quite overwhelmed. I know there's a reason for this anger and its insecurity. But it worries me because if it wasn't this, would it be something else? Do I excuse behaviour which is so recent and so isolated?

I don't know what to do.

I think you already know the answer is to go back to the UK but you want some reassurance it’s the right thing to do, which is what you have here.
please prioritise your happiness, I suspect some of the feels of being down lately are less linked to the country you’re living in and the subconscious realisation that you’re not safe and happy in your relationship.
be brave and leave, you only live once and if you want a family please for the love of his don’t start one with this man

I think the relationship is good when it's good because your life revolves around him and it sounds like you're dependent on him socially.

As soon as someone else has a claim on your time, he acts out. That's controlling behaviour, not insecurity.

You need to get your own life back. You sound depressed.

Come home OP. As fast as you can. You are young and have more new chapters ahead of you.

PS. Fwiw I also lived and worked in the US for a time and desperately missed my family and friends. Moving back was the best decision I ever made. I have a family of my own here now and am so grateful I have them nearby.

Book your ticket and get the fuck out of there!

What makes it really challenging is that he is happy for you to live an unhappy life in the USA but isn’t willing to consider relocating with you to the UK. That just makes it really stark that he is being selfish and is not an equal partner in the relationship. There are thousands of women who post on MN about this dynamic. Believe him the first time and create the life you know you want.

Your family visits twice a year . How often do you visit them ? Does he always go with you ? What’s he like in the U.K. ?
If you were my daughter I would be advising you to return home .,

You are making excuses for him and explaining it away. No one is perfect of course but he is trying to chip away at things that are important to you. I’m sure he is perfectly lovely when everything is on his terms, many people are, but unless you are happy to exist in his bubble forever that is not going to work. And you are not happy. Time to recognise the end of this chapter, not easy.

My perspective, as the mother of a DD who lives overseas and has done for 8 years, with her partner who was born there.

She absolutely loves life out there, adores her partner and his family and her job. But she came back over summer and I could feel her reluctance to leave to go 'home' again. She misses all her family more - and I think it's to do with getting older. Her siblings are having children and her DF and I are ageing (he faster than me, he's nearly 70, I am mid 60's) and I think she can see a future in which she becomes completely detached from her 'real' family, hardly knowing their children and having no real points of contact with them.

She has too good a lifestyle overseas to give up, but she is planning to buy a small property over here, save very hard, and be able to travel between countries more regularly than the once every couple of years she is currently able to (one or other of us tries to get out to see her every year). Would that work for you? To sort of 'straddle' two countries? Although, if your OH really doesn't like the UK, this would be harder.

Try to imagine what your life will be like if you have children with this man. How little contact your family will have with them. How unlikely he will let you will bring them to the UK. As PPs have said, you already know it’s time to leave.

You NEED. To come home.

yes, 6 years feels like a L O N G time together at 27, a lot to 'throw away' but out of a lifetime if really isn't. It's no reason to spend the next 60 years of your life with him, away from your family & where you want to be.

your family will become less able & less willing to visit you & you them. He will be become more difficult if they do visit.

if you have a child, you will be trapped there forever.

short term pain for lifetime gain. Come home while you can.

Listen to your gut, OP. Ignore it at your peril.

I think you need to call this a day Op, he’s showing you who he really is now and it will only get worse.

I was in a somewhat similar situation with a man in the US, I moved over there to make it work for 2 years, I just missed the UK so much. The culture over there is so different and I had thought we were far more similar!

He couldn’t move over here because of the visa requirements, so I ended it. Seeing your update he doesn’t sound very nice anyway, but not enjoying a country to the point of depression is reason enough to leave. America isn’t for everyone.

Ah OP you know what you need to do. Come home. This man really isn't worth staying for - I know it's hard when we love people but instead of trying to support you and facilitate time with your family he's showing his true colours. This is a relatively small area of stress - what would he be like when you have young children and he is tired? Or if (god forbid) you got ill? I wouldn't place my trust in a man like him to support me.
Start sorting to come home today. You will feel so much better for it I suspect.

In your shoes I'd leave him and go home.

You say you were getting bored of England and now you feel the same about the US. How long before you got bored of England again if you split up and returned home?

This sounds really dodgy op. I'd say you are seeing the real him, his mask has slipped. He sounds very jealous and controlling.

Time to get out. Even if you don't leave, whatever you do, don't get pregnant with him.

You're very young, it's very usual to have a long relationship and it not work out.

Putting aside his personality change, the sheer fact that neither of you will be happy whichever way you decide.
i met and married the love of my life (him Ireland, me nz) … moved for him, was so homesick it nearly killed me. We made it work with me having lots of trips home. Eventually moved back here where he was miserable. It’s taken us years to feel settled and feel at home, I didn’t feel great because he didn’t feel great.
so 12 really tough years out of 25, I would advise my younger self not to do it.

How long have you been unhappy and pushing to move back to the UK? He may well be feeling under pressure if you've bringing the topic up a lot.

It sounds like your relationship is at an end - you don't want to stay and he doesn't want to move.

I did similar. Lived in UK and while I was not unhappy and determined to give it a go I preferred home . It was an easy commute though as in Europe. However once I had kids I really really wanted to be near family and determined to move.Luckily my Dh was open to it and been here since .I was so glad I did as my DCs were raised around my large extended family.

I do think you should leave him. I don’t think his reactions to you spending time with your family are at all healthy. Obviously it’s hard if one partner is living in a country that is not their own and I would’ve thought the way to approach that as a couple is that you happily embrace all the ways your partner can keep in touch with their family overseas eg lets visit/they come here every year; why don’t you go for a week so you can spend some proper time with them; be happy that you’re happy spending time with your family when they visit. If what he’s doing is with the aim to keep you there it’s an immature, unkind and I feel controlling way to approach things. Where you live is a pretty big question that obviously involves compromise and he’s not approaching things as a team. Ok he doesn’t want to move to England but it’s ok that you do. My DH is from overseas and it is without question that he spends as much time as he can when his family come over or we go there. Your DP is not supporting you in what I think are pretty basic needs re your family. He does not seem capable or is unwilling to navigate things in a healthy and constructive way. You’re not happy and he’s actively obstructing things that can contribute to your happiness and not looking for compromise on his part. Good luck.

America is a huge place. It doesn't sound like you are bored with the relationship, just where you live. Could you not move? To a city perhaps? Or somewhere you could build a community?

I would second the point that if you have children there, you will never be able to move back to the UK…..

It’s time to move on OP.
Home and family beats America and your life there.

You are seeing the truth of him and what your life will be like if you stay.

I am sure others can advise on exactly how to do this, but I would begin planning your escape. This might mean:

Talking to a family member
Making sure that your passport is valid and in your possession
Tidying out your things - perhaps you can send some ‘out-of-season’ clothing home via post or a cheap courier.
Looking into flights and travel arrangements

Something tells me that you shouldn’t discuss this with him first, but book a flight for a few weeks’ time and then tell him your plans with just a few days to do.