At an impasse and my heart is breaking

[chanlol]

Hi,

Just looking for some honest abuse. Me and my partner are both 27. I met him whilst he was on a school exchange program. He is from America.

After a year or so, I was getting bored of England and agreed to move there.

We have a wonderful life. A nice apartment. A cat. I earn good money here. So does he. He loves America and whilst he likes visiting England, he doesn't want to live there.

Problem is, I'm getting so weary of my life here. I wake up and I'm not excited. That spark is gone. I've torn myself apart and put myself together to fit in this world. But I'm thinking about my future and having kids away from my family and it's putting things into perspective.

We've spoken about it and he doesn't want to move. But I miss my family so much. Each time I visit, I come back a wreck and it takes literally a couple of months before I can get out of the depression.

He knows but we've ignored it for so long. We've been dating for 6 years and it feels like I'm throwing the love of my life away.

Am I dumb for trying to make this work? I've lived here for over 4 years now. But when I wake up, I just feel exhausted. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't have hobbies. I don't think I recognised this until I realised I do want children, just not here.

So I'm at an impasse. We've spoken about it, fought over it and cried over it. But he doesn't want to live where I want to. At least not right now.

I'm jealous when we spend so much time with his family. When he goes out with his parents, it makes me envious. I don't want to resent him, because I'm in love with him.

The issue is now that he's started making comments. I think it's underlying because he's worried he will lose me. He makes comments about England in an almost spiteful way, he gets upset if my family visit over little things but never admits and still wants me to spend time with him as much as possible when they visit. The trips with my family are exhausting because of this. Recently, my family visited and the same day we had a (milder) home emergency (like, the power went out level, not someone got injured level.). I refused to cancel my planned day out, and he left me a voicemail which was actually rather nasty. He apologised profusely, but the anger shocked me and left me quite overwhelmed. I know there's a reason for this anger and its insecurity. But it worries me because if it wasn't this, would it be something else? Do I excuse behaviour which is so recent and so isolated?

I don't know what to do.

Well done, OP. Stay brave!

Oh I read the update now. Well done!!!!

Good luck with the rest of your course. Ah, 27. What a fab age. So young! But old enough to have knowledge, experience and power. I think at that age I was vaguely worrying about meeting someone. I didn't meet him for another 3 years after that, and we didn't get around to having children till I was 37 then 40. Life is grand at 45 now.

I lived elsewhere here and there for most of my 20s and it's quite a nice thing to have been somewhere. Pity he turned out to have been an arsehole but hey ho if an arsehole is going to pop up in your life there's no good time but it's as well you got him over and done with now. In the bin, Yank, chanlol is coming home!

Have you got the money and time after your course to see a little bit of some other part of America? Even in a cheapy backpackery way? Go somewhere in America that dick boy has never been and never will go to and take a few tourist photos. Then come home and have a cup of proper tea. (Is American tea still shit? I bet it is. There are many things America does marvellously; tea is not one of them).

In most relationships, there should be a bit of grace for mess ups or mistakes. But I had none. And maybe I am a bit shit and scatter brained sometimes but that's me.

It sounds like you’ve been in an abusive relationship and your self esteem has been so eroded you’re still criticising yourself. You aren’t a bit shit or a scatter brain, you’re a strong independent women who’s ready for the next chapter of her life!

Well done lovely, you're brave like a lion! You're going to be just fine 💪 good luck with your University course, you can smash this and you are winning at life! Look after yourself, you deserve all the good things 💐

OP, putting aside for a second your BF’s behaviour which is clearly a red flag (as others commented, trying to control your time, not liking when you give your family your full attention for a visit despite you being separated from them most of the year, etc)… you said yourself the spark is gone, you miss home, you feel depressed in America after spending time in England.
To me, it sounds like if you were to find the courage to leave this man, and it’s probably going to be very challenging after 8 years together, you will later remember him as the bullet you dodged.
After having children your priorities will change. Things like how to educate them, what culture, values, identity you want your children to have, what roots & where they call home, all become very important. Imagine if he did with your children what he does with you when maternal grandparents come to visit.
another thing to consider is that the woman you are today is not the woman you were at 19 when you met him, and by the time you are 35, then 40 you will have continued to evolve.
When I was in my 20s being close to my family was the last of my priorities as I went exploring.
Later in my 30s and beyond that changed completely, and I see it across my age group.
Think about who you’ll want around you when you’re raising children, when you yourself are ageing, etc

You need your family near. I had a child with a partner in the UK, and I could not move to where my family is after we split up because my ex wont let me take my kid. I actually love UK so its fine but not having my family near me is horrible, not having any support and help and not being able to see them more than once a year.

Also, I would think twice about bringing you child in the US. Its a great country but its very, very different to UK and anywhere in Europe. Its like another planet, actually.

How long have you got left in University?

It does sound like he is controlling OP. Sounds like if you stayed each time your parents visited he would have a way of making you feel guilty spending time with them. If you had kids you would be stuck with all the sulks and efforts to upset you if your parents visited. Only you can make that decision but think about the consequences for you and if you could put up with that without becoming very depressed.

@chanlol - it’s great that you have ended the relationship. It sounded wrong for you even before your latest update but your latest update shows that he has abusive tendencies. What you describe - random rules, always being made wrong, having to buy him apology gifts, tensing up when he comes home in case you’ve forgotten a chore - that’s toxic stuff and you need to be away from it. Stay strong, OP. Onwards and upwards.

Well done! Stay strong, and if you have to see him to sort stuff out, take a friend with you - it’ll help you focus on the practicalities and not get dragged into his emotional bullshit.

Staying with practicalities: if finances are now going to be a struggle, do speak to your university and tell them you need financial assistance to continue there. Most have discretionary funds for this, which might cover not just any remaining fees, but provide a stipend towards living costs.

Well done OP. It is a huge decision, but the right one. Your update shows exactly what sort of man he is and you don't need to be with a man like that.

He is very controlling and would only isolate you more and more and if you had DC you would be trapped there.

Finish your course, make your plans to come home and enjoy the rest of your life. Good luck!

Well done OP - and good luck for the next few months and beyond. Do reach out to your family for emotional support also.

I have a DD about your age and hope she would be as brave as you. You deserve better.

Well done! Very relieved to read your update.

Good luck with the rest of your course and enjoy the rest of your time in the USA. Just don’t fall in love with another American before coming home! 😄

He is now saying he wants to talk and that he wants to think about options such as moving to my home country. And said we could go to relationship counselling. He seems to genuinely believe he means it, but I don't believe he can.

I swing between feeling fine and then also thinking I'll never find anyone again with a connection like this or be as close to someone again. I keep wanting to text him random shit (but obviously I'm not.) We have major issues but we're still so close.

I think I've become very reliant on him and I don't want to get into destructive patterns. I don't know how common this type of feeling is after such a relationship. I'm worried the emotional intensity of the relationship is creating a feeling of over reliance for me from the ups and downs.

We are not back together but do have to talk due to shared lease etc and bills. I am trying to stay strong!

He might turn the love bombing up a notch, op.

Maybe you can write those messages you want to send him down on paper just to get them out of your head and then you can bin them?

You've made a good, clean break, in all likelihood he will try to sabotage it.

You might want to try grey rocking him and taking a friend every time you need to sort out one of the practical things with bills etc. he will use it as an excuse to get back into your mind and mess with your emotions.

I am trying to leave my own toxic relationship except we're married and have children. Do not be me op. X

@Newyearnewness

It is hard! I have some insight to reliance on rocky relationships. I'm trying to remember how I felt in the moment when I was treated like that. Plus, the future. I'm trying to think of what I want my life to look like in a year, not a month.

I also don't believe people can change that quickly.

Having children in such a situation is hard. I hope you can figure it out x

You could read the book should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft.

He's unlikely to change. He will say anything that sounds like what you want to hear, until you are back in the relationship then the promises will fade with seemingly plausible explanations.

If you can keep focused on your vision for your own future it might sustain you through this part where there's lots of raw emotions on your side, and possibly some calculated manipulation on his side.

Me mentioning that things get more complicated once you have kids is just a bit of extra motivation for you to get back to where you actually want to live..you really have your whole life ahead of you x

The fact he thinks you should ditch your visiting family to drink with nis friends says it all. He’s controlling and abusive.

Your family must have noticed what a prick he is.

OP, you refer to him as your partner, but you surely must be married? You wouldn't be able to stay in America for many years and to work if not. Just curious.

I'm British but have lived in America for many years. I went through the whole visa thing when I married my US ex-spouse.

I have other British friends here, and you're right to be ultra-cautious about the kids thing. If you have kids in America with him you will never be able to go home. (Unless he gives his permission, and why would he say OK to his kids being brought up thousands of miles away?)

And as the kids get older, the permission thing becomes not the only issue. The kids will be American and will have all their friends there. It's very hard to uproot say, an 11-year-old and a 14-year old. My friend got stuck in the States after her divorce, when she had young children. Her ex died of terminal cancer years later, but she still couldn't take the children back to the UK, because they are American and the States is their home.

And I know older ex-pats who really miss Britain but don't want to leave because not only are their adult children there, so are their grandchildren.

If you start a family in America, you WILL get completely and utterly stuck there for the rest of your life, unless you're OK with leaving all your family there.

OP, I do feel for you, it can be hard living abroad even in a loving supportive relationship.

But your partner is controlling, criticises you for ridiculous reasons, tries to keep you away from your family, and makes you feel you’re walking on eggshells. Far from supportive.

He seems immature. But there’s no reason to expect he would improve with age, as he’s already rigid in his thinking.

Luckily you’re young too, and have plenty of time to find someone better.

I'm going to be honest - I don't think your husband is a very nice man, and I think he is self centered. Women want to be near family when we have children because we are so vulnerable. Most men seem to understand that and make allowances. It worries me that your husband doesn't and that he is becoming abusive about this. You're at a decisive point around having children and deciding where you will live and what your life will look like. Marriage is supposed to be for life but it's difficult to stay married when your husband can't be flexible. I think most people here would broadly agree with me, I suspect your family would agree too. You have to make your own decisions but don't compromise yourself, your desire for children or your long term plans for this man.

Just read your update (what I get for not reading all your posts) - well done. It sounds like you've had a moment of clarity and that is really good. Hold onto your anger for the time being and use it to focus on getting home and re-established. Best of luck for the future, you have a long life ahead of you.

I think you are in denial in that you are recognising you are depressed when you return to the US after visiting home, but you are missing what I think is the main cause of the depression, your unhappy relationship. Perhaps you have thought for so long that he is the love of your life and perfect for you and you moved a long distance to be with him and so on, so you have a lot invested. I was similar when I was 27 and I think you should run a mile. He doesn't make you at all happy. 5 years together is nothing in a lifetime and your 20s are a great time to make mistakes and move on.

Also, he sounds awful.

Just read your update, stay strong, OP. You've done the right thing.